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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenager not working at Uni

168 replies

Busymum45 · 01/03/2020 18:14

I have a lovely lad who started uni in September, problem is we just found out he's not done any of the assignments and only attended 28% of lectures. Asked him and he said he struggled to get into the routine, kept missing things and now feels so.far behind he doesn't know what to do

We sat down together and he wrote an email to.his lecturer to ask for a meeting. Hopefully he will go and get something sorted.

I fear he can't cope with uni and really struggles to study independently.

Getting myself so stressed over it as pretty sure he will fail the year .

Is it something I should help him with or leave him to.it? They.may be adults at 18 but he is not mature enough yet?

Any advice welcome xxxx

OP posts:
IceColdCat · 02/03/2020 10:03

OP, I would expect that his first year is split into modules, are some of them Semester A only modules (ie now finished) or do they all continue into Semester B? If the former, he'll now know the results for the Semester A modules so that will give you a clearer picture of his chance of passing the year.

notaflyingmonkey · 02/03/2020 10:06

Not sure how helpful that comment was intending to be PaddyF0dder but it came across as not very.

I can only speak for myself, but I know my DS. I know his strengths and weaknesses and I can do very little at the moment other stand on the sidelines as he fails. I know what laziness looks like, and this isn't it. He is struggling with his MH and uni aren't able to support him in the way that he needs. I hope that plan B works for my boy.

Original poster
Busymum45 · 02/03/2020 11:12

Definitely unhelpful comment and uncalled for.
I emailed support services and they called me back.today, said he should have had someone reach out ages ago and they will try and do.this now , they are also looking at re take options if it comes to.it, and if he can be on campus accomodation again etc.
Trying all I can , v stressful

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 02/03/2020 17:21

I'm glad you could talk to the university. Would it be very outing to say which one it is?

Sooverthemill · 02/03/2020 17:27

Foundation years are designed for students like the OPs sone. But if he dies then do the work, he won't be able to move on to a degree course

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 18:02

Of course he won’t. Guaranteed funding is not available to someone who doesn’t make it through the access course.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 02/03/2020 19:13

Not necessarily directed at OP, but I think its pretty unreasonable for people to be blaming the university for not reaching out to offer support. The whole point of university is that it's independent living and independent education - if your child isnt ready to cope without you, surely its on you to a) get them ready or b) keep them home?

IceColdCat · 02/03/2020 19:20

Does your DS have a personal tutor OP?

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 02/03/2020 19:21

If he was going to the 8hrs of lectures he would be engaging with the course and making friends. He sounds way too immature to be on a degree course. I did foundation for my degree and we had to be in every day, that in itself creates a routine and structure.

He has to get into uni every day and that will help him engage and catch up

GCAcademic · 02/03/2020 19:23

Not necessarily directed at OP, but I think its pretty unreasonable for people to be blaming the university for not reaching out to offer support.

A student who has missed that amount of teaching would be contacted by their personal tutor or director of studies at most universities. I get what you're saying in the rest of your post, but that is the idealistic view, not the reality that universities have to deal with.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 02/03/2020 22:06

A student who has missed that amount of teaching would be contacted by their personal tutor or director of studies at most universities.

...they did contact him. OP said they sent him attendance emails, which i assume he ignored. What more are they supposed to do, knock on his door and drag him out?

GCAcademic · 02/03/2020 22:34

...they did contact him. OP said they sent him attendance emails, which i assume he ignored. What more are they supposed to do, knock on his door and drag him out?

You're right: she said he'd "had the odd attendance email". It's not clear what's meant by that, so I may have interpreted it incorrectly. I assumed that meant he'd simply had some emails noting his poor attendance, and not necessarily ones that requested he attend a meeting with his personal tutor / director of studies (which is what I would expect).

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 22:36

An email noting poor attendance would almost certainly contain a request for the attendance to improve?

Bluntness100 · 02/03/2020 22:46

To be fair the op never said he was doing a degree in her first post.

He’s doing a foundation year, it’s usually designed for those who fail a levels or don’t have them for some reason,. If you pass this year, you then go onto do your degree, starting in year one.

Students with the required a levels, at the required grades don’t do foundation years

Op hopefully he can fix this, but every year gets harder, so this year is the easiest, escalating in complexity and work till the third and final year of his degree.

He’s not received funding, he is borrowing, although he doesn’t have to pay it back till he earns over a certain amount, I think about 25 k, and then on an escalating scale.

The word “funding” is misleading. He can borrow money to pay for up to four years and a spare would be the more accurate way to phrase it. No one is funding him. He’s borrowing.

So he needs to be sure he wishes this, as he’s building up thousands and thousands of pounds of personal debt to do it.

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 22:56

It was the phrase “he got an unconditional offer” that confused people. It wasn’t dependant on A Levels at all.

Original poster
Busymum45 · 02/03/2020 23:02

He had 3 attendance emails but no request to meet with anyone. He knows he has to attend lectures and hopefully see a member of staff, his words were he's been forgotten....
Will see what happens, yes it's an unconditional offer foundation so no A levels required . If he passes he can continue degree there or do the degree at another uni

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 02/03/2020 23:08

An email noting poor attendance would almost certainly contain a request for the attendance to improve?

Yes, sure. But given that there were three such emails and such poor attendance, he should have been called in to speak to someone.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 03/03/2020 02:32

his words were he's been forgotten....

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 03/03/2020 02:36

his words were he's been forgotten....

He's fundamentally misunderstood how university works. He hasn't been forgotten, they've just assumed that he's an adult who's made a choice to not bother, and they're letting him get on with it. I imagine a course that accepts people who didn't get any A Levels has a very high incident rate of people who can't be fucked with going to lectures.

It's not their job to remember to make him go to lectures. He needs to take some responsibility here.

Original poster
Busymum45 · 03/03/2020 07:11

I agree it is his responsibility, I just don't think he's emotionally ready for it all. Still thought someone might have asked to meet. Still, he has asked for a meeting now so see what happens.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 07:21

I think he needs to understand uni is not like school.

It is not compulsory. It’s wholly voluntary, and the individual pays for it. School is compulsory and if you don’t turn up then the authorities get involved.

Uni is wholly voluntary and generally for adults. They can send emails about attendance but that is it, they can’t insist he sees them, he is there only through choice, nor can they front up and insist he speaks to them. Because it’s voluntary, his choice to borrow money and be there, his choice on what to do when there.

He is required to take responsibility, to reach out if he needs help and they will support,, to make a decision to act on the emails or not.

I wouldn’t let him try to blame the uni op, saying he was forgotten or they only emailed him three times. It’s not school and he needs to grasp that. It was wholly his choice to go to uni, to borrow the money, then to not attend lectures.

Taking personal responsibility is part of growing up. If he wishes to continue with his course then he needs to accept he was responsible for his behaviour. Otherwise he’s just going to fail or borrow even more to re take the year and end up in huge debt.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/03/2020 07:26

I’ve been discussing a similar situation with a friend, I think a lot of teens are very ‘spoon fed’ through the latter part of secondary school and therefore find uni a massive shock when they realise it requires self motivation and independent learning and quite a few aren’t ready for it.

missnevermind · 03/03/2020 07:43

My son started uni at 18 and really struggled. He was highly intelligent and very independent. But he couldn't cope with the work or the structure. He decided he was on the wrong course and only returned for a few weeks after the Christmas. He found it difficult to return home and felt a failure.
He found a decent job and stayed home for the next 18 months. When he decided he now knew what he wanted to do and started a completely different course. He is now thriving, keeping on top of the work has a good group of friends and already sorted a house share for next year.
He needed to come home and have that break. He was making himself ill with worry before, thinking he had to stick to a decision he had made before he was 18.
Support him to make the right decision for him. And I really do think at this point their mental health should be at the forefront of your decisions.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 08:01

Op you sound like w caring parent, so did he mislead you also? He’s attended approx two hours of uni a week, and missed over seventy percent of it, and all the assignments. This is really important to consider when he’s decided if to resit the year or not.

It’s March, so the year is nearing its end. I’d wonder about the task at hand to try to catch up. I’d discuss that realistically. As he needs to do the last six months, whilst trying to not miss the next three or so. The catch up will predominantly be self led.

It looks like from what the lecturer and the support services have said they think he needs to redo the year. However as said, this isn’t school and there is a huge cost associated with this. How much has he borrowed for this year, assuming you’ve not funded, twelve grand? I think foundation courses are cheaper than degree and I guess maintenance on top.

So doing it again means the year costs him 25 grand? A debt he will have to pay back or have hanging round his neck for decades.

Maybe taking a year out, getting a job, would be better for him at this stage. Work really helps folks grow up and learn responsibly. Then like the pp he can decide what he wishes to do.

Other wise it may be better for him to do a repeat of the foundation year at a local college or uni, stay at home, so you can ensure he is not struggling.

It really is worth looking at all the options.

Herocomplex · 03/03/2020 08:14

I’m sorry to hear he hasn’t made any friends, is he in halls? Things have really changed at uni, it’s very challenging for lots of people and it’s quite easy to just disengage and stay in your room.

People talk about drinking and having fun but for lots of students it’s just not like that, it’s a lonely experience.

Your son needs to seek some help from student support. But quite honestly I think if he’s starting again in September is he prepared to find ways to engage and make the most of it? It’s a lot of debt to carry if he’s not getting a really good degree.

Good luck.