Teenager not working at Uni

[Busymum45]

I have a lovely lad who started uni in September, problem is we just found out he's not done any of the assignments and only attended 28% of lectures. Asked him and he said he struggled to get into the routine, kept missing things and now feels so.far behind he doesn't know what to do

We sat down together and he wrote an email to.his lecturer to ask for a meeting. Hopefully he will go and get something sorted.

I fear he can't cope with uni and really struggles to study independently.

Getting myself so stressed over it as pretty sure he will fail the year .

Is it something I should help him with or leave him to.it? They.may be adults at 18 but he is not mature enough yet?

Any advice welcome xxxx

Hi
He was in halls he was evicted in term one. Long story but unfortunately got involved with a girl who was on her final warning and she brought friends back to his flat late one night, someone reported it and he had to leave. He's in a student building but not university owned and doesn't know anyone, and it's a lot further away.

Having sleepless nights as so stressed. How do I private message any of you? Appreciate all the replies x

Blimey op, time for some tough love I think, it’s not the girls fault, or the unis, time to make it clear to him he’s the one responsible.

Personally I’d be considering quite hard talking him out of returning next year and taking on even more debt. He’s failed his a levels, will almost certainly fail this foundation year, has not attended the vast majority of his course, done no assignments and been chucked out his halls.

He should either be coming home and working for a year or doing a foundation course at a local college/uni, whilst living at home.

He acknowledges it was his fault too about the halls.
Sat here in tears as he is clever but throwing his life away.
If he could pass on discussions about his chosen subject he'd get a first lol.
Definitely agree with you on tough love.

Ah don’t cry, he’s not throwing his life away, he can turn it round. I’d honestly not be convinced on supporting or encouraging him though to go back and repeat at this stage. I’d suspect there is a very high chance he will simply repeat what he’s done this year and have even more debt.

Maybe working for a year is what he needs. Learning routine, getting up every morning and going to work and being accountable for his performance. Paying you board. Earning and Managing his money etc.

He can then decide what he wants to do, return to study, do an apprenticeship etc, after he’s grown up a bit and learned to behave responsibly.

I agree with Bluntness. In my experience, students with this kind of attendance problem don't suddenly transform in their second year. A lot of students are just not mature enough at 18 for the kind of independence that university study requires. I wasn't myself! I wish we were more set up in this country for people to go to university at different stages in life so that young people weren't automatically corralled into it aged 18.

Not all young people are ready for university at 18. In all honesty for his sake I would suggest he tries to work out how to pass this year (there's time in theory) then comes home and works. I recommend somewhere like McDonald's where there's lots of young people, structure etc and he can experience what hard work is like - dd did this after a levels, then he can save money, mature and consider university when he is emotionally ready to go. There's also different types of university and some are more structured like school, whereas the top ones tend to be sink or swim. Pm me if you want to know more h is a lecturer and 2 student DD's so I know a fair bit

I was going to suggest moving back, finding something local, at least he’d have structure. He needs help to regulate himself by the sound of it. Coaching might help? Obvs you can’t do it for him but you can show him the way. The aim is to get him launched.

Hi OP, I too think you should support your DS through the rest of this year but then make sure he leaves Uni and works. He really is not mature enough for Uni - kids all develop at different times and we now know that the brain is not fully formed until the age of 25 - particularly the part of the brain responsible for long-term planning.

A friend's son, very bright, quit his course this year (1st year) and she supported him as his mental health was shredded. He is working now and will return to Uni at a later stage. The best thing you can do is support your DS to find a plan for the next couple of years that does not involve debt and Uni. He can always return to study - I have returned many times over the years and just finished my latest post-grad last year.

Good luck and keep posting for support - you sound like a great mum, please try to keep your spirits up - he will be fine, no one has wasted their life as a teenager - he has many, many years in which to find success in a field he loves. And look into apprenticeships - BT do great ones. I'm sure there are loads more.

It sounds as though he might be better off giving up now instead of letting it drag on. Getting thrown out of Halls in term 1, and not attending lectures when he is doing a Foundation year designed to bring him up to degree entrance standard after failing A levels make the chances of him actually catching up/doing the work very low. I'm not being unkind, just realistic. Let him leave uni and get a full time job for a year or two while he sorts himself out, he can always apply again when he is more mature.

OP - he needs to pull his finger out, put his big boy pants on and face the music. He needs to take some responsibility.

Thanks everyone I totally agree.
I think we will see if he can pass this year as only 3 months left anyway, may as well and then discuss with him maybe taking a year out, working and seeing how he feels. He just cannot seem to cope v well independently at the moment (comes home every weekend too.)

He worked last summer in a sports shop and has worked at Mcd before that, he loved the sports shop and was their top salesman on the leader board the whole time he was there !

I think the signs are clear, just suppose I felt under pressure too, as my mum in particular keeps saying how he is making the family proud etc etc at uni, but uni isn't the be all and end all.

Thank you :)

How old do you think is old enough to take his responsibility for himself?

You feel 18 years old isn’t mature enough to get up and go to lectures and seminars?

I used to chase my DC during primary school, at secondary school I started off helping them but they had their own alarm clocks and got themselves up, I made sure to ask them if they got their packed lunches sorted the night before, would also ask if they washed their uniforms on the weekends and mid-week. They got everything they needed together. I would ask them if they had any homework if they appeared to have nothing to do at home.

At college I don’t do anything, eldest DC sorts herself out, I will help when asked, we all go off to the train station together, and sometimes if I’m up in the morning and haven’t seen her I’ll give her a shout.

And have no plans on racing around after her, getting her up at university level, I am certainly but not going to liaise with her lecturers if she screws up her course. I don’t now. DC has a problem with her course this year (first year A levels), I made suggestions and she took her own initiative and sorted things out for herself.

When do you think is old enough for a young adult to accept the consequences of their own actions? When do you think a young person should be expected to take charge of their own life and get themselves out of bed and into lectures/work?

I’m a bit shocked that people feel sorry for this young man.

I’ve seen so many very very bright young men (and it is overwhelmingly men), who coast through GCSE’s then get a shock when they can’t carry on like that. My friend son really really regrets messing up his A Levels and taking up the unconditional offer he got at university. As he is finding it very intense and he’s having to work very hard and still lagging behind.

I think you need to tell him this is the consequences of his actions and he needs to solve it. Either he needs to find a different way into the path he’s chosen, or he needs to do damage control speak to his lecturers and student support and see whether he has any chance of passing or if he’d be better off dropping out and re-starting fresh next year.

I don’t think an 18 year old is a child to be molly coddled and told it’s too hard to get up in the morning so it’s not his fault!

Sadly happens to lots in their first year. I saw lots fail because they couldn't make themselves go and most ended up depressed or anxious.

Don't leave him to it, support him, keep him in touch with his tutors and check in with him.

Some of the most capable kids just can't hack self discipline. I knew one who got 3 A* at A level, started first year with me... when I graduated he was resitting first year for the 3rd time.

In a lot of cases he only needs 40% to pass. So push him.

Well I disagree with everything you have said. Every chid / young person/ adult is different, you don't suddenly become all organised when you hit 18, male brains especially take till 25 to mature (as mentioned above)
Im pleased your children are independent but every one is an individual and different, we all grow and change at different rates.

Its a shame some people can see that :(

You’re still making excuses for him with the “male brains don’t mature until 25” thing. Most people (male and female) enter uni at 18 and have graduated long before they turn 25. Most of them do just fine.

The 'not mature until 25' is a bit of a cop out though. My DP is 25 (just turned in January). In that time he has completed a 4 year degree, become a chartered Accountant, bought a flat in London, worked abroad and been with me for 6 years of that...

If he's not a real adult I wonder what he'll manage now he apparently is...

He would not be throwing potential away by not going to uni now, it will still be an option in future or alternative ways to achieve the same end (apprenticeships, internships etc) . What is he studying a hoping to do afterwards? Too many blindly leave school and head into HE , following the crowd or family expectation,hoping things will resolve themselves and it be wonderful, but then flounder. Unfortunately some unis (often those recently converted) do little to discourage this with unconditional or minimal grade offers, just needing to fill places, then just hope they complete with little support. Was he even interviewed for his place?

Oh I know they do, that's great but not everyone is the same are they !!

That's wonderful your son has achieved so much Coriander lord, very impressive. However, please try and have some understanding this isnt the way it goes for all of us.

I fully intend to support him to try and pass this year and then have a good chat about the future xx

What does he say, OP, about why he is not going to classes? Because that is going to be the key factor in getting him to pass the year. He needs to start going now, which means he needs to understand what the problem has been and fix it. 'Not being very organised' doesn't explain missing so much time.

Erm he's not my son he's my boyfriend but yes, I suppose we're all different

My DP is 25 (just turned in January). In that time he has completed a 4 year degree, become a chartered Accountant, bought a flat in London, worked abroad and been with me for 6 years of that...

Not even a stealth boast really. Just a boast. The OP is here asking for support. If you have nothing helpful to offer, perhaps don't bother.

When I was at uni a few students had done a foundation year to ensure they got a place on the degree. Some said its as degree and one of our tutors said no its not its a level 3 year to ensure students who do not have proper level 3 qualifications got on the course they wanted to. Could your son not take a couple of years to get a job and be a 100% sure what he really wants?

Yes I think he needs to perhaps work a year, then mature a bit too, decide his path,

thank you everyone :)

Starting to think its my fault, must have done to much for him and helped too much, in doing so ive caused the issues haven't I x