13 dd....Sugardaddy!

[Maurice169]

My 13 (going on 18) year old dd got a new phone for Christmas; I inherited her previous phone.

She was having trouble resetting it and gave it to me; I did have a scroll through the left over messages, mostly typical teen conversations with friends. There were however some random numbers; she’s been chatting to adult men on the website Sugardaddy.

She has a profile on it and these men have shown interest and contacted her though txt. I did some research and can’t believe how easy it is to go on it?!

She’s totally lied about her situation, making up a complete story about her struggles with money etc, she’s lied about her age.
The conversations weren’t explicit, more like banter, these men wanted to see a photo of her, she sent some with filters on. They also asked for proof of age, driving licence, passport. When she didn’t provide it they stopped texting.

I’m pretty sure this is a game to her, I don’t think she would go through with anything. She hasn’t had a boyfriend yet, she hasn’t kissed a boy (I overheard a conversation with a friend) . I also track her phone (she doesn’t know it) and she always goes where she says she’s going.

I’m not going to tell her Dad, I’ve realised sharing info with him is often disastrous.

I just really want to know what anyone else would do in this situation Thanks

Take her phone. Way out of order behaviour from a child that age.

You need to have a stern and honest conversation with her and take the phone away or at the very least put some blocks on it.

Concerning. You need to talk to her and report these 'men'.

just really want to know what anyone else would do in this situation

Take the phone away and talk to her. You don't need anyone to tell you how to tell a 13 year old this isn't ok!

I would question how a 13 year old was able to access anything she wanted tbh, the parental control was obviously lacking, don't give her phone back until that's sorted out.

just really want to know what anyone else would do in this situation

Err... hit the roof and confiscate the phone? Or you know, do some parenting? This not OK. She knows it's not OK. You have to tackle this head on. Luckily - so far - she's come into contact with men who aren't interested in 13 year olds and have stopped texting when they realise she's underage. Others won't.

Remove her phone and have a frank honest conversation with her. Explain the dangers.

The thinkuknow website is good and has sections for children of all ages as well as for parents.

When she earns her phone back make sure you have daily access to it. It remains downstairs at night and you have access to passwords, etc. Tell her you are tracking her and that you will not allow her the phone without these rules. These are common sense rules for all teens with phones anyway.

OMG, you must be worried sick. I appreciate you have been somewhat reassured that the men seem wise to avoiding underage girls but for 13 this is really concerning (and I say that as a qualified youth worker and now working in SS). You need to talk to her and find out how she has ended up doing this. Then no tech, you need to clamp down on her access and in order to have her phone back she needs to have you check it regularly. Also remove laptops, tablets etc and have her use them in communal areas of the house only. I would suggest seeking counselling ASAP because this behaviour usually stems from a self esteem issue or not really thinking things through. If there is any connections to other friends also doing this (which I bet there is, teens rarely do this in isolation) then you must contact the school and let them know. Oh and you need to speak to her dad, no secrets and a firm plan of action together.

I can't believe she was able to have such open and easy access to that website at 13! Please monitor your child's online activity much more closely from now on.

This is mumsnet where people will tell you that she is entitled to her privacy and that children should be trusted with what they do online.
In the real world you instal controls on her phone, check it regularly and speak to her a lot. This may not work but you have to keep it up.

@ClarencesMum why would she report the men? They have chatted to her on the understanding that she is who she says she is. They have been responsible and asked for proof of age from ID ie a driving licence, passport etc to prove that she's an adult before continuing to converse with her and when she has refused to provide this info, they've stopped chatting to her. Not sure why she should report them or what they've done wrong?

Take the phone, increase parental controls, have a conversation with her and stop it now. This is so dangerous as there is a high likelihood that some of the men on there may be paedophiles looking for underage girls. She could easily let slip information that could give away her location or be groomed.

When I was around her age I was on a forum for teens who still wet the bed. I posted my MSN details to find online friends in a similar situation and was added by an American man in his 50s. At first he was just friendly and said he had a daughter in the same position. He asked lots of questions about the bedwetting and if I’d ever worn nappies for it - this progressed after several weeks to him asking for my address so he could send me some as his daughter used them and they’d enable me to go to sleepovers etc without anyone knowing. I stupidly gave my address to him because he was offering something I thought would make a problem I hated easier and he posted the adult nappies to me. Shortly after there things got creepy, he asked for photos of me wearing what he’d sent. I guess I was groomed in some way as by this point I trusted him and I did send some of the pictures he wanted. He then send photos back of him wearing just a nappy and confessed he didn’t have a daughter, he had a fetish and wanted to make me his little girl and baby me. By this point I was scared of where things had gone but I was too embarrassed to tell anyone and scared he’d share the photos of me and people would find out, in the end I did block him but I was terrified for months and months afterwards as he had my address that he’d find me. I guess I was very lucky he was in America and not the UK as the distance stopped anything happening but it still haunts me that he has photos out there of me as a young teen in just a nappy.

I was a sensible, articulate teen but was completely taken in by this adult and didn’t realise I was out of my depth until things were getting potentially dangerous. It might start as banter or a game or whatever but it is so, so easy to get in out of your depth when you’re a teen and do things which in hindsight are completely stupid like give out an address or send photos etc. Groomers and paedophiles will have tricks to make themselves seem relatable or to harvest information like addresses through offering to buy/ send things. They might spend weeks or months building the relationship up to this and gaining trust with harmless conversation first so the teen doesn’t realise what’s actually happening until it’s too late. If photos etc have been sent then there can be an element of blackmail too. It might seem harmless or a fun game to your DD now but some of these men are potentially dangerous and will be very skilled at gaining the trust of teens.

Well done for spotting the app now whilst it a still looks harmless and good luck talking to you DD and ensuring she doesn’t see forums like this with adult men as places to play games but understands the risks involved and doesn’t access them again.

Parent her!!

You need to confiscate her phone and have very serious conversations.

You also need to start monitoring her online activity.

Sorry my bad, I thought they were having explicit conversations knowing she was underage.

‘New Bear’ Thanks for sharing your experience...poor you, that sounds scary!
My main worry is where this is going.
I’m sure she’s not the only one doing this.
I will talk to her, it’s not easy thing to do as we’re totally different people and the last time we confiscated her phone she trashed the house and screamed so loud the neighbours called the police!!

So dreading it but I’ll do it

You mean you haven't already

Seriously, you have a 13 year old taking to men and you let her keep her phone?

Have you even put parental control on it yet?

Also, trashing the house? What happened there?

why do people throw the 'do some parenting' thing on here? poor lady has had a nasty shock and is asking for advice, stop being arseholes if youve nothing helpful to offer.

why do people throw the 'do some parenting' thing on here? poor lady has had a nasty shock and is asking for advice, stop being arseholes if youve nothing helpful to offer.

'Poor lady' would not have had ' nasty shock' of 'poor lady' had taken responsibility.

Kids get into all sorts of situations when they have unsupervised access to the internet. Advice re how to keep them safe is everywhere.

I'm sorry but I don't regard anyone as a 'poor' parent for failing to ensure their child's safety. In the same way I would think they were at fault and guilt of poor parenting if they let a 2 year old cross the road alone.

People need to know how vital it is to keep out kids safe. This is a 13 year old kid who could have been seriously harmed. It's only luck, not judgement that has saved her this time.

Also, the passive and wishy washy way 'poor lady' has talked about this is just infuriating.

Our kids need protection. It's a really serious issue.

Let her scream and trash the house. Let the neighbours call the police. Maybe they'll explain to her what happens to young girls who get involved with much older men in situations like this.

OP to say "I'm sure she's not the only girl doing things like this" is quite naive.
I had friends who did a lot of stupid things at that age, but nothing like this.
It also doesn't mean it's ok and you can't use it as justification.

Bloody hell, of course you hit the roof, confiscate the phone and tell her father so you can present a united front as parents when dealing with these situations.

She thrashed the house, good, cancel the phone and lower her allowance to help pay for the damage. She needs to learn her actions have consequences.

The same as everyone else said. Confiscate her phone, change all of her passwords for social media/iCloud/lockscreen to something only you know. That way she can never lock you out of her accounts. Take her phone off her at a certain time each night and don't give her it back until the following morning. If she does have an iPhone then you can sign in as her onto your own phone/iPad that way you can keep an eye on what she's sending/receiving.
This could have been a really potentially dangerous situation. How is her behaviour in general? Does she often seek attention?

I'd be horrified if I found my DD doing this.

It might be a game to her but it could in fact be very very dangerous. What if she arranged to meet one of these men? Is she trying to get money from them? You mentioned she had lied about her financial position.

It's not quite the same but I would show her the Police video called "Breck's Last Game". It's a true story of a child that lived near us and was murdered when he met up with an internet "friend".

Watch it with her. It's a 15 cert but I watched it with my 12 year old when I felt she wasn't fully appreciating internet safety and joining whatsapp groups where there were children she didn't actually know, friends of friends etc. It shocked her but it also drove home the message of protecting yourself and your personal details on the internet.

parenting a teen must be very hard, it seems like her DD has been quite devious aswell.

I'm going to echo other advice on here. Your DD is way out of her depth here and doesn't have the emotional maturity to see that. Tantrums etc when you exert some parental control just underline how immature she is, and to be honest, how much you do need to put some sensible boundaries in place.
It doesn't sound like she is using the internet in a safe way do you must step in before she gets herself into too much trouble.
Perhaps you need a strategy to spell out to her why what she's been doing is both silly and risky.
My DD has fairly unfettered access to the internet but little social media and understands she is not to contact anyone she doesn't know in real life. She's not allowed to change her passcode or pin and her having a phone is on the understanding that we can check it at any time. It's also an iPhone which is signed into her Dad's account so on the plus side, she has access to Apple music, but the downside is her messages are not private (although he doesn't generally look)

BiL is on the Sugardaddy website. These men are interested in very young women, they're entitled, exploitative and uninterested in the women's welfare. They want sex with attractive young ladies and are happy to pay for it. Sugardaddying and Sugarbabying are just fronts for prostitution, but those who participate (men and women) pretend that it's not. The exchange is not always cash money, it's goods that the babies either keep or sell on, described between the participants as "gifts".

The men are very experienced with prostitutes and while interested in very young women, they're not interested in the hassle that comes if the women are underage, so the first thing they do is check the age. They tend to set up what they call "arrangements" with one or more woman at a time, and they ALWAYS expect sex. A lot of sugarbabies try to pretend that the sex isn't crucial, and that it only happens if they like the guy, but that's not true. The "arrangement " will be ended swiftly if sex is withheld.

Your DD is very young and you are very naive OP. It's not surprising- I knew literally nothing of this world until BiL was found out a year ago, and it's utterly depressing when you do know. Your DD unfortunately needs to be brought up to speed quicker than you would like and as a pp has said, needs to watch the Breck story. She needs to be properly properly frightened as that's the only way she'll keep her curiosity under check I'm afraid, and you need to involve her father.