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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

13 dd....Sugardaddy!

117 replies

Maurice169 · 03/01/2020 09:43

My 13 (going on 18) year old dd got a new phone for Christmas; I inherited her previous phone.

She was having trouble resetting it and gave it to me; I did have a scroll through the left over messages, mostly typical teen conversations with friends. There were however some random numbers; she’s been chatting to adult men on the website Sugardaddy.

She has a profile on it and these men have shown interest and contacted her though txt. I did some research and can’t believe how easy it is to go on it?!

She’s totally lied about her situation, making up a complete story about her struggles with money etc, she’s lied about her age.
The conversations weren’t explicit, more like banter, these men wanted to see a photo of her, she sent some with filters on. They also asked for proof of age, driving licence, passport. When she didn’t provide it they stopped texting.

I’m pretty sure this is a game to her, I don’t think she would go through with anything. She hasn’t had a boyfriend yet, she hasn’t kissed a boy (I overheard a conversation with a friend) . I also track her phone (she doesn’t know it) and she always goes where she says she’s going.

I’m not going to tell her Dad, I’ve realised sharing info with him is often disastrous.

I just really want to know what anyone else would do in this situation Thanks

OP posts:

MintyMabel · 03/01/2020 11:42

Seems parental control is lacking. You seem to be afraid of her. Try being a parent.

MrsAJ27 · 03/01/2020 11:45

OP your child is potentially being groomed online and you still haven't spoken to her or taken her phone away?

Aurea · 03/01/2020 12:11

Which phone is it? Can you deactivate it remotely so it's unusable temporarily?

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 12:23

Which phone is it? Can you deactivate it remotely so it's unusable temporarily?

Is this a serious suggestion?

I'm trying to work out why anyone would mess about doing something like that rather than simply take the phone away?

Original poster

Maurice169 · 03/01/2020 12:40

I mentioned we have a personality clash.
In fact we’re quite opposite, I’m quiet and keep myself to myself, always have done.
My daughter’s very confident, outspoken,loud and blunt. Even though she’s only 13 she’s already 5”7 (I’m 5”5), she’s also a goth. In previous attempts to ‘parent’ her Ive been pushed backwards on to the kitchen table.
When the police turned up before, she honestly didn’t give a shit and in fact gave them attitude!!

I feel like I’m making her out to be a monster, she’s not; but I admit I find it challenging ‘parenting’ her!!

OP posts:

Pomegranatemolasses · 03/01/2020 12:49

She's only 13, what do you think the situation will be like in the coming years?

You seriously need to step up here, seek outside help if needs be. Physical violence towards you is totally unacceptable. You seem slightly afraid of her, which is an awful position for such a young child to be in.

TheGoldenChild · 03/01/2020 12:50

I do feel for you because I parent a difficult teenager myself and I know how hard it can be.
Could you not go into your local police station and speak to them about the situation and what you have found out and see if there would be any way possible for someone to speak to your daughter and explain the dangers. Also that it's completely illegal to be using the sites at her age.
Try and see if there are any presentations in your area that you could take her to regarding internet safety and most importantly speak to her school as well. They may be able to provide some assistance with her behaviour.
You do need to monitor her phone though and it's easier said than done but you have to be really tough with her now and make sure that you are stamping down your authority and showing her that you mean business. That what she is doing is completely wrong and dangerous. Hammer the truth home to her that if she carries on playing this dangerous game; the chances are one day she could end up in a situation where she is raped and seriously hurt.

Lllot5 · 03/01/2020 13:00

You need to grow a backbone.
My sons were taller than me from about 12 and not one of them has ever pushed me.
A personality clash more bullshit.
Take he phone away she’s lucky this hasn’t gone further.

SleepDeprivedElf · 03/01/2020 13:04

That's so scary you need to look up the awful case of Breck Bednar who was groomed and then killed. Watch the video his mother has made with your teen. She could get herself into real danger here.

IdiotInDisguise · 03/01/2020 13:27

Height or no height OP, you are in control, who is paying for all the things she wants. Obviously, she may think she needs a sugar daddy to make up for what her parents do not pay but removing the phone leaves her without the means to arranging one.

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 13:33

Even though she’s only 13 she’s already 5”7 (I’m 5”5), she’s also a goth.

Eh? What's that got to do with anything?

What happened when she was physical with you before? What steps have you put in place to prevent it happening again?

Original poster

Maurice169 · 03/01/2020 13:36

Ok so......

I’ve just driven her to a friends house. So on the way I told her I needed to chat about something and said I’d come across the messages.
She laughed awkwardly and embarrassed, said she and her friends were bored on a group chat and all decided to join Sugardaddy for a laugh and compare messages.
She said it was months ago, which it was, she’d only responded to a couple of messages, I told her I thought that was the case but still how dangerous it is.

We had a long chat, It didn’t kick off, I expressed how concerned I was etc. She was worried I’d tell her Dad but I decided not too, we made a promise we would be open and honest and keep talking to each other.
I’m going to check her phone regularly as it’s my job to look after her. Wasn’t happy about that but agreed.

OP posts:

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 13:41

I’m going to check her phone regularly as it’s my job to look after her

She is 13. Why did you not remove the phone?

Have you even bothered to put parental control on it yet?

I think you should tell her dad. It sounds as if he might actually do something pro active here.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 13:46

To be fair I actually agree her story sounds plausible.
I'm glad you could have a proper conversation and that you're going to monitor things more carefully going forwards.

HaileySherman · 03/01/2020 13:54

Well she sounds smart and resourceful for a child of 13. I say that because I think it's very relevant to how you deal with this. I totally disagree with others about hitting the roof, flipping out, taking her phone etc. If she's determined to do it, she'll just become sneaky and justify it to herself by saying it's because you overreacted.

Now is a good time to open communication and have serious discussions about the dangers of those types of things. Because she's smart, if she wants to do something, she'll find a way. I am in the camp of rather knowing what's going on, whether or not I agree, than to be in the dark.

I know I'll get bashed by all those who say you need to be a parent, not a friend, etc. And I completely agree with that, but it needed to be established at a very young age. Once they're making their own decisions, you really want to already be established as their go-to person for help, advice, etc. If you've laid that foundation, they will keep you in the loop and value your opinion. If you start taking super hard lines with her now, you run the risk of destroying your relationship and trust. It's a delicate balance.

Love51 · 03/01/2020 13:59

Could you get in touch with your local CSE (child sexual exploitation) team? Although your DD probably won't reach the threshold for direct work, they might be able to offer you a workshop for strategies for the future. If you can't find the number for your area, call social services and they'll be able to put you in contact.

petalsandstars · 03/01/2020 13:59

Op please google Kayleigh’s love story - it’s a film made by a local police force of the true story of Kayleigh Haywood who was groomed and murdered by 2 men. The amount of inappropriate contact initiated over phones and apps is terrifying.

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 14:02

I totally disagree with others about hitting the roof, flipping out, taking her phone etc.

She is disrespectful, violent and playing dangerous games with free access to everything online. Too right her phone needs removed.

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 14:03

If she's determined to do it, she'll just become sneaky and justify it to herself by saying it's because you overreacted.

It doesn't matter what she says to justify it to herself. That is no reason to make it easy for her.

Butterflyflower1234 · 03/01/2020 14:10

I can not believe you are supposed to be her mother. You're scared of your own child WTF??

You think this is dealt with but your DD has gotten away with lying about her age, situation and potentially putting herself in danger. Not to mention wasting the time of other people (not all men on there are sleazes).

I am honestly horrified of how little control you have over your child.

pleasenomorechocolates · 03/01/2020 14:13

OP I normally dislike it when everyone piles on and says ‘what the fuck are you doing’ on threads but I have to agree with everyone else. Take the phone.

Mlou32 · 03/01/2020 14:18

For everyone blaming the mum. You do know that with the best parenting in the world, these things can still happen. Unless you think that in every case of a kid who has ever been a victim of grooming online, paedophilia, cyber bullying etc it's always the parents fault for not doing enough.

She is asking for advice, why do some women need to be so horrible and unsupportive of one another?

Original poster

Maurice169 · 03/01/2020 14:18

Hailey...yes that’s the situation. We’ve tried the’parent tough love approach, as I said it ended up with the police being called....she withdrew from us for a long time after that, I was worried.

Taking the phone won’t work here, you can’t apply the same strategy on every child.

She admitted it to me, we talked, no shouting or arguing. I hope she takes on board my concerns and keeps taking to me.

She instigated a day out in London, just the two of us, we’re going tomorrow, it’s rare these days; so I guess we’ll talk more then.

OP posts:

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 14:23

For everyone blaming the mum. You do know that with the best parenting in the world, these things can still happen.

You are not wrong, but as parents we are supposed to do our level best to protect our children. The mum in this situation gave the child free access to the internet, that's not even close to the best parenting.

Unless you think that in every case of a kid who has ever been a victim of grooming online, paedophilia, cyber bullying etc it's always the parents fault for not doing enough.

I don't think this at all. Please don't assume my opinion because I have commented on the parenting of one person. I commented based on what the person told us. But to be quite honest, kids are often subject to abuse etc that could have been prevented had the parents done enough. That in itself does not lay blame at the door of every parent who's child has suffered, but it is naive to suggest that parents can't try to protect their children. Sometimes they don't even bother, as per this thread.

She is asking for advice, why do some women need to be so horrible and unsupportive of one another?

The advice is to do something 🤷🏻‍♀️

Trewser · 03/01/2020 14:25

If you let her keep her phone and something happens to her because of who she is communicating with you are 100% responsible for it.

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