Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 dd....Sugardaddy!

117 replies

Maurice169 · 03/01/2020 09:43

My 13 (going on 18) year old dd got a new phone for Christmas; I inherited her previous phone.

She was having trouble resetting it and gave it to me; I did have a scroll through the left over messages, mostly typical teen conversations with friends. There were however some random numbers; she’s been chatting to adult men on the website Sugardaddy.

She has a profile on it and these men have shown interest and contacted her though txt. I did some research and can’t believe how easy it is to go on it?!

She’s totally lied about her situation, making up a complete story about her struggles with money etc, she’s lied about her age.
The conversations weren’t explicit, more like banter, these men wanted to see a photo of her, she sent some with filters on. They also asked for proof of age, driving licence, passport. When she didn’t provide it they stopped texting.

I’m pretty sure this is a game to her, I don’t think she would go through with anything. She hasn’t had a boyfriend yet, she hasn’t kissed a boy (I overheard a conversation with a friend) . I also track her phone (she doesn’t know it) and she always goes where she says she’s going.

I’m not going to tell her Dad, I’ve realised sharing info with him is often disastrous.

I just really want to know what anyone else would do in this situation Confused Thanks

OP posts:
ginandbearit · 03/01/2020 14:27

All you perfect mothers who've never been assaulted abused and intimidated by a screeching out of control teenager (who was once a biddable and sweet child) better sit back and thank your lucky stars and hold your counsel .If in your imagination the 13 year old in this case is a slight slim ingenue you have no idea of the strength and venom a 13 year old girl can exert, the risks to the patent and the consequences of police and sss involvement . A close friend has had her arm and nose broken by her slight slim 13 year old girl who has shoplifted , assaulted and propositioned around town , is an enthusiastic runaway and squats with drug dealers in London...nothing stops her even after secure residential placements, and nothing in her upbringing (secure m/c loving family and household) could be said to contribute to her behaviour. She has power and she loves it .Count your blessings.

Lllot5 · 03/01/2020 14:29

Never said I was perfect just never been pushed by my own kids.

Trewser · 03/01/2020 14:30

All you perfect mothers who've never been assaulted abused and intimidated by a screeching out of control teenager (who was once a biddable and sweet child) better sit back and thank your lucky stars and hold your counsel

Don't be pathetic. It's totally possible to come down hard on an out of control teen and make things work.

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 14:30

Taking the phone won’t work here, you can’t apply the same strategy on every child

It's nothing to do with strategy and everything to do with safety ffs.

Again, have you sorted the parental control on her phone?

She admitted it to me, we talked, no shouting or arguing. I hope she takes on board my concerns and keeps taking to me.

You hope she takes it onboard Hmm

She instigated a day out in London, just the two of us, we’re going tomorrow, it’s rare these days; so I guess we’ll talk more then.

Erm;

Trewser · 03/01/2020 14:32

Strategy!!

What a load of shit. She's literally being groomed by older men through her phone. Not taking it away makes you culpable. What kind of mother indirectly encourages grooming of their child?

mummumumumumumumumumum · 03/01/2020 14:35

sounds to me she has you well groomed. Does something wrong and incredibly dangerous then there is a little carrot of a day out and you let it go!

Devereux1 · 03/01/2020 14:41

The roof would have been blown off my house, the phone will not be anywhere near her and we'd certainly not be having a nice little jolly in London together today.

You said that before when you did some proper parenting, the police were called. GOOD.
You said she went distant for a while. GOOD.
Then you said you caved in and have never done that again. NOT GOOD.

She has you wrapped round her finger. No wonder she thinks she can do the same with adult men on a site like that. Disgusting behaviour.

Clangus00 · 03/01/2020 14:44

Wow!
She’s done a very VERY stupid & dangerous thing, she’s wrecked your house, shoved you etc BUT she gets a “treat” day to London and gets to keep her phone?!
How exactly are you intending to punish her?!
Why the hell aren’t you telling her dad? What would he say if one of these guys murders her and he finds out that you’ve condoned it?

Aragog · 03/01/2020 14:47

She was worried I’d tell her Dad but I decided not too

I'd be furious if dh kept something like this from me. This is something you both need to have a united front on, and to be both mentoring your child's online presence.

Your young daughter is getting involved in some very serious and potentially very dangerous online activity. I don't care if she kicks off and neighbours call the police about the noise. She needs serious consequences and needs to earn back trust before she gets to use a phone again.

As other friends have been involved you need to be letting their parents know too. Those children are also at risk.

I would also let their school know once they return next week - they will have a named member of staff who is their online safety safeguarding lead. They need to know so they can act, and do some additional checks and also some additional online safety sessions with this year group.

Trewser · 03/01/2020 14:50

Does she understand what these men want? I think I'd be explaining it in very bald terms.

Aragog · 03/01/2020 14:50

Please take a look at this website, both you and her dad and also your dd (together and individually) as there is a lot of useful information out there.

www.thinkuknow.co.uk

Please take this serious.

If she is doing this at 13y and you are not proactive in preventing it, just think what she could move onto as she gets older.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/01/2020 14:52

My dd is 11 so this is stuff, I hopefully won’t encounter. I don’t agree with the going nuclear option . I think it’s much better to go quiet and listen. To show her Kayleigh’s love story, to speak to the school and get help and find resources. All removing a phone will do is ensure when her dd really needs help, she won’t come to her mum because she’s bollocked her in the past and feels she’s on her own.

Op you have to monitor your dd of course. And if she cannot prove herself trustworthy, then this is time to re-evaluate the situation.

HaileySherman · 03/01/2020 14:55

I guess it's more important to me that my daughters are safe and ablevto make decisions, rather than blindly obedient. They ARE going to be making decisions on their own as teenagers. I'd rather have an open line of communication, where she isn't afraid I'll flip out if she asks or tells me something. In my opinion that gives a better chance of being able to educate them and help them make informed decisions. Coming down to hard runs the risk that they keep you out of these little experimentations in pushing boundaries, and try to figure it out on their own, which they are not equipped to do.

Now of course if my child attacked me or trashed things, then appropriate consequences should be applied. But in the scenario where she was playing around on the internet inappropriately, I think it warrants a discussion, not a punishment. It's a teachable moment. I believe in making the most of those.

StarUtopia · 03/01/2020 14:56

My 13 (going on 18) year old dd got a new phone for Christmas; I inherited her previous phone.

Here in lies your problem.

A child gets a new phone and you get her knock off?!

HaileySherman · 03/01/2020 14:57

Sorry for the grammar/spelling errors....it's hard to proofread on my phone.

Devereux1 · 03/01/2020 14:58

And if she cannot prove herself trustworthy, then this is time to re-evaluate the situation.

Ive been pushed backwards on to the kitchen table.
When the police turned up before, she honestly didn’t give a shit and in fact gave them attitude!!
Now she's on SugarDaddy prospectively pimping herself to adult men for money.

I think we're well beyond the proving herself trustworthy part. Hmm

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 14:59

All removing a phone will do is ensure when her dd really needs help, she won’t come to her mum because she’s bollocked her in the past and feels she’s on her own.

She really needs help now fgs

She has been talking to MEN - she is 13. Have you any idea how serious that can be?

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 03/01/2020 14:59

She'd be given a basic brick of a mobile and genuinely would ask the police to talk to her. Has she had no PHSE or internet safety workshops at school? DD's schools, both primary and secondary were HUGE on internet safety education.

123bananas · 03/01/2020 15:00

It sounds like OP that the lines of communication are open at the moment and that is important, as even if you removed devices for a while you still need to talk about keeping herself safe. She is very vulnerable and naive and still needs to feel she can come to you if she does get herself into a situation online or not.

That being said there needs to be some consequence for this behaviour that shows her that you do not condone it (removing device and grounding), not sure why she is still being allowed the phone, to socialise and have treats. You should not be keeping it from her father, you are a team, she cannot divide and rule. She needs to earn your trust again by being transparent and handing over her phone for spot checks and checking in at set times (and spot checks on location) once she is allowed out/phone back in her possession. She is a child with no real understanding of the world as the adult you need to take control.

If you are not keen on the stricter parental control internet apps can I suggest Bark which does monitor and flag risky internet activity allowing you to talk to them about it, but doesn't block sites or limit screen time.

Trewser · 03/01/2020 15:02

I guess it's more important to me that my daughters are safe and ablevto make decisions, rather than blindly obedient

How cool of you. Did you miss the part where it said that the dd is 13 and playing around with men who want to have sex with her?

Original poster
Maurice169 · 03/01/2020 15:03

Of course she knows what they want!!
She’s 13 ffs!
She’s being stupid and playing a dangerous game with friends.
If you are the parents of teenagers you will know about the lessons they have at school about online safety and the educational videos shown etc.
She knows exactly what she’s doing and that it’s totally wrong, after everything she’s been warned about at school and home.
But they don’t give a shit and rebel, the way teenagers do.

How many people commenting on here actually have teenagers and know all that get up too, eh?!

I have friends who’s teens are meek and mild, and others who are an absolute bloody nightmare!

A bet you’re all not so perfect!!

OP posts:
zoobincan · 03/01/2020 15:05

HAVE YOU PUT PARENTAL CONTROLS ON HER PHONE?

Trewser · 03/01/2020 15:05

I have three teen dds, the youngest is 13. I'm a strict parent. They are happy and well adjusted.

How sad that your 13 year old dd has such informed knowledge about pimps and prostitutes.

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 15:06

*Of course she knows what they want!!
*She’s 13 ffs!
She’s being stupid and playing a dangerous game with friends

Why don't you stop her?

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 15:08

How many people commenting on here actually have teenagers and know all that get up too, eh?!

I don't kid myself to know everything mine get up to. What I do is put everything in place I possibly can to both keep them safe let them know they can come to me anytime.

You actually know what your 13 year old child is doing and don't seem to give a fuck Confused