13 dd....Sugardaddy!

[Maurice169]

My 13 (going on 18) year old dd got a new phone for Christmas; I inherited her previous phone.

She was having trouble resetting it and gave it to me; I did have a scroll through the left over messages, mostly typical teen conversations with friends. There were however some random numbers; she’s been chatting to adult men on the website Sugardaddy.

She has a profile on it and these men have shown interest and contacted her though txt. I did some research and can’t believe how easy it is to go on it?!

She’s totally lied about her situation, making up a complete story about her struggles with money etc, she’s lied about her age.
The conversations weren’t explicit, more like banter, these men wanted to see a photo of her, she sent some with filters on. They also asked for proof of age, driving licence, passport. When she didn’t provide it they stopped texting.

I’m pretty sure this is a game to her, I don’t think she would go through with anything. She hasn’t had a boyfriend yet, she hasn’t kissed a boy (I overheard a conversation with a friend) . I also track her phone (she doesn’t know it) and she always goes where she says she’s going.

I’m not going to tell her Dad, I’ve realised sharing info with him is often disastrous.

I just really want to know what anyone else would do in this situation Thanks

But they don’t give a shit and rebel, the way teenagers do.

A million times no. The way some teenagers do. Your teenager OP.

Why the hell are you rewarding your lying, physically violent, self-pimping daughter with a day out in London?

A bet you’re all not so perfect!!

Not perfect, no

Protect my children from being groomed? Yes.

How many people commenting on here actually have teenagers and know all that get up too, eh?!

I do have teens. I'm not judging you. I did some very stupid stuff as a teen myself. I do think I am aware mostly what mine are up to though. They both have iPhones and pads but are all on the one apple account so I can keep an eye on things. I mostly DON'T but they know I can if I want to. I've had the quickly turning the phone screen down when I walk in and I make a mental note to have a little snoop later.

That said please believe I am not judging you. I was smoking and snuggling boys in the house at age 13 . One thing I will say is I felt very disconnected from my parents as they were very hard on me. I was frightened of them but along with that I didn't care if I disappointed them. I just didn't want to get caught do would go to any lengths not to but it was out of fear not respect. I agree with PP that it is essential to keep lines of communication open and not come down too hard.

I have 3 teen dds.

I would not be ok with myself if i knew my 13 year old dd had done this and we had a nice day out to celebrate. I think my older dds would have something to say about that as well.

Sit her down and make her watch the video Kayleigh's love story. It may only be messages at the moment,but it can easily escalate into her choosing to meet someone. It's extremely dangerous.

trewser good for you ..so pleased it's all working out so well for you, thanks for your input .

How many people commenting on here actually have teenagers and know all that get up too, eh?!

I do have a teenager, might not know absolutely everything he is up to but I have confiscated his phone and removed privileges for months for far far less than having an attempt at entry level prostitution.

Thanks, it is working out well, but we are a happy home which has always had strict boundaries and loads of hobbies and interests.

The only out of control teens I know had parents who wanted to be their dds best mate when they were little and it came back to bite them on the arse later.

I have 2 DDs both of whom were nightmares in their teens. However, they knew that the parents were in charge, and what the boundaries were.
Starting with phones. They inherited our old phones when we upgraded, not the other way round. They had better phones once they were earning their own money.
They both tried to fool us and lie about where they were, but when they were found out, they knew there would be consequences, regardless as to how much they would scream and shout. My youngest pushed me once in temper, she was grounded and her phone was removed for a month. Both are independentnadults now, and when we talk about those days, they are both mortified that they were so difficult.
OP, you need to take back control of your DD before she goes completely off the rails. Taking her for a day out to try to win her over is sending her completely the wrong message, as is not telling her father what she's been up to. That should be your absolute priority. If my DH kept something like this from me I'd never forgive him!
Oh, and my DDs are both 6 inches taller than me. Size has fuck all to do with being a parent!

Yeah, I confiscated my dds phone for a month for staying up all night in it when she'd promised she'd turn it off. If she'd been pretending that she'd have sex with old guys I think it might have been longer, you know for her own protection

She knows exactly what she is doing, after everything she’s been warned about at school and home and quite frankly she doesn't give a toss about what you, the school or the police say or do.
You've got a massive problem here OP largely due to the lack of firm parenting and parental controls.
I would suggest you seek professional help pdq because her reasons for doing this are more than just a bit of fun with friends, aren't they? She's physically assaulted you and clearly does exactly what she likes with zero repercussions, so don't expect her to suddenly morph into an obedient trustworthy fourteen year old.
The fact she's flirted with older men doesn't bode well.

@Butterflyflower1234 - I can promise you that 100% of men on sugar daddy sites are sleazes. And you might want to think about why you think it's okay for adult men to target very young women for sex. The only reason these blokes stopped their targeting of the OP's DD is because they don't want to get into trouble with the law, not because they don't want to fuck teenage girls.

I'm with Trewser- the only people I know who have out of control teenagers are those who treated parenting as a consultative process and thought it was more important to be their child's friend than their parent.

OP, why are you letting your child divide and rule with your husband/her father? Secrets like this can be toxic, and if she doesn't want her dad knowing because he'd be (very rightly) furious, why are you colluding in this?

@Strawberrycreamsundae well said.

How many people commenting on here actually have teenagers and know all that get up too, eh?!

Yes I do have a teenager, she's 17y.
No, I don't know everything she does, especially these days. Though we have a very good relationship, we are very open and honest with one another, we chat about things a lot. No-one is perfect and so neither myself nor dd are.

When she was 13y I was much more aware of what she was doing including her online life. I knew all of her passwords, she needed my password to be able to download certain apps or access money on the phones, she knew that I could track her at any time and she knew that I could request to see her phone as required.

The phone did not officially belong to her as it was on a contract - still is in fact - and as she was/is under 18, it was not in her name. Therefore we knew that if something dodgy happened on her phone it came back to us, as the contract holders.

However none of that is really relevant to what is happening with your DD. You know what she's been doing. You know what her friends have been doing. You know they are at risk when using their phones. You, as a parent, along with her father need to act on this and take it seriously. You also need to let the other parents and school know so they can be proactive and vigilant.

But they don’t give a shit and rebel, the way teenagers do.

How many people commenting on here actually have teenagers and know all that get up too, eh?!

I have a 13 year old. I also have parental controls on her devices so would know immediately if she installed an app or visited a website. She argues with me no doubt but definitely wouldnt trash the house.

What a worrying time for you OP.

Just to recap, you’ve tried to enforce parental rules and she bullies you and shouted at the police officers and clearly thinks she is in invincible.

You are frightened to do anything to upset her in case she goes nc with you and her dad again. Presumably as she may do other silly things behind your backs and get into bother.

You tried to talk to her, she asks you to take her to London. Presumably to buy her stuff rather than to bond with her mum. ie she’s extorting stuff from you as she has no respect for your or anyone else’s authority.

Not an ideal combo of events. I can see why you are feeling out of your depth.

Seems to me that she’s not getting enough discipline and thinks she can take on the world and win. That’s probably why she thinks she can extort jewellery or money or whatever from these older men and get away with it. She’s too damn cocky for her own good and needs taken down a peg or two before she gets into real trouble. She will push her luck to far. She’s just been lucky so far.

Please seek professional help. I’d be informing the school and her pals parents too so they can watch out for this with other girls and keep them safe.

Her father needs to know too. You have to face this as a team. I imagine you don’t want him knowing in case he ‘over reacts’ and she bolts and you’re worried.

I think if anything happens to her because you kept secrets from him he will never ever forgive you. And you would never forgive yourself either.

How many people commenting on here actually have teenagers and know all that get up too, eh?!

I don’t have teenagers. However, you have no and had no idea what she’s been up to, so that’s a pretty moot point.

Take the smart phone away and get a basic phone if she persists ..

I can promise you that 100% of men on sugar daddy sites are sleazes. And you might want to think about why you think it's okay for adult men to target very young women for sex. The only reason these blokes stopped their targeting of the OP's DD is because they don't want to get into trouble with the law, not because they don't want to fuck teenage girls

Same point I made earlier upthread. And exactly how does a 13 yr old even know that Sugardaddy exists? I'm 56 and I knew nothing about it until a year ago. You need to get into the bones of this OP because what she's learned is that there are men out there who will buy her all the stuff she wants - and all she needs now is a fake id. You must realise that she's in serious danger.

Yes, I have parented teens, have a soon to be teen also. I'm not perfect and neither were they but neither have any of them assaulted me or trashed the house in response to a rebuke.
This age is really difficult and often the nicest child can be pretty horrible for a while but this is when you really need sensible boundaries to keep them (relatively)safe.

You must tell her father. Don't let her divide and conquer.

I'm shocked at how gullible you are you. She has just agreed and told you the things you wanted to hear and she still has her phone. Win win for your daughter. Time to actually be a parent!

Do you think she really knows what they want?

I mean yes she probably gets they want sex. But does she really understand what an adult man wanting sex with young girls fully means?

When I was a teen we used to do chat roulette, and occasionally you'd get men wanking, who were very excited to see teenage girls staring back, we found it hilarious at the time.

I had friends who would meet much older men on Facebook and we'd message these men. Some of them met up with these men, some of them had sex with these men. At the time it was funny, and it felt powerful and sexy, I knew these men wanted sex with us. You don't realise until you are much older how truelly vile the whole situation was. I feel so relieved now that I never met up with any of the men. And I feel so sad for my friends who did. At 13 you really don't understand what sex with adult men means.

You need to protect her. It's not fun and games to message sleazy men on sugardaddy sites. She has been incredibly lucky that these men checked her age. She won't be so lucky next time. It's so easy when You are a teen to think these things are funny and get carried away. It's so easy to think you are in control.

She was worried I’d tell her Dad but I decided not too, we made a promise we would be open and honest and keep talking to each other.

You can't tell a child the importance of being open and honest then in the next breath agree to keep secrets from her dad. 🤦🏻‍♀️