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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Total breakdown of relationship - how can I fix this?

140 replies

anorak · 29/09/2004 09:23

As I'm sure you guessed, useless anorak and her 15 year old daughter again.

My daughter, my beautiful first child, seems to hate myself, dh, dd2 and at times even 4 year old ds. She is manipulative, abusive, foul-mouthed and bullying. I have tried to ignore her behaviour and try to ride the storm but if I do she kind of makes sure she pushes things until I have to do something.

I see a girl who is deeply damaged by some things her father did to her years ago. Things dh and I went to a lot of trouble to ensure could never happen again. I have been there for her throughout trying to help her get over the damage but she says she is fine it is just the rest of us. Her constant refrain is 'I don't f*ing care'.

She has been saying for a long time that she no longer wants to babysit or help around the house for her allowance and recently I complied with her requests for Saturday nights out with her friends. Now she says no more babysitting unless she is paid by the hour. I refused to do this since it disconnects her from being part of the family and she doesn't see the way we do things for one another. So we have decided no more chores or babysitting and no more allowance.

I can do the chores myself and hire a babysitter, but I am so sad that she is totally rejecting us as a family. She is trying to get a job at Sainsbury's and while I know this may be a good thing for her I long for her to do it WITH our support. But she is doing it to gather money to free herself from us.

Last night DD2 caught her stealing money from a purse of mine. When I confronted her she talked to me as if I were an evil sadist to be accusing her. But money was missing so I know she took it. DD2 was called a 'lying fing bh'.

I am at the end of my tether. She is breaking my heart. She is using every chance to hurt me in any way she can and I am not sure how much more I can take. I can't stop crying and feel I am greiving for something I have lost. Even if she ever stops being like this I am reaching the point when I won't be able to forgive.

I have told her I want her either to start treating the rest of us like human beings or move out when she reaches 16. She seems keen for the latter and sounds totally determined to live in squalour and loneliness rather than accept the support and help we long to offer.

I know she is punishing me for what her father did to her but for how much longer? She will kill me before she forgives me.

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 29/09/2004 13:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster

anorak · 29/09/2004 13:39

They don't get on. She rejected him largely, I think, because her bio father let her down. He wants to help but doesn't know what to do. In the past he has tried reading teen psychology books, trying to get one on one time with her, trying to make ordinary chat a part of their day, etc, but she resists everything.

The only way I could get her to therapy would be with a tranquilliser dart. She would physically fight me. How would you carry out a threat to exclude a child from the family? This one is actively excluding herself anyway . That type of idea depends on the child caring one way or the other and sadly she doesn't. Or maybe she does deep down inside but I think it's buried so deep she doesn't even know it's there.

OP posts:

unicorn · 29/09/2004 13:39

I really feel for you anorak, you offer so much help and support to everyone here, I hope you find some comfort from the many people who care for you.

You sound shattered by what you are going through, but equally your daughter sounds hell bent on causing maximum damage.
This may sound ridiculous (and apologies in advance) but the very fact that she is "getting to you" is very like toddlers behaviour is it not?
I know it may be very simplistic, but the advice is always to IGNORE bad behaviour, and praise etc the good.
I appreciate that you are at your wits end, but has she a godmother or other type of mentor figure who could perhaps intermediate- take her away for a fun weekend etc?
I think she desperately needs your love- despite the abuse (or because of it) that she is hurling at you.
You can never stop being a parent, try not to give up on her, she DOES need you (and Love you) much more than she can dare to admit.
Sorry if any of the above is not constructive, but I really wish you well.

Original poster

anorak · 29/09/2004 13:40

Sorry that post was in response to littlemissbossy.

OP posts:

krocket · 29/09/2004 13:40

I think she does care anorak, really. I know it must be so hard to see it but she's just hurting. Have you tried speaking to a health visitor, a bit lame maybe but perhaps they could suggest further sources of help. I really think CBT is the key but am at a loss to suggest how you get her there

bundle · 29/09/2004 13:41

i think she does know you care, and very deeply. but she's shooting out her own hurt back at you because of the hurt she's experienced in the past. deep down none of us want to be hurt and will often use offensive, rather than defensive tactics. (sorry for psychobabble again..)

ggglimpopo · 29/09/2004 13:41

Message withdrawn

Tinker · 29/09/2004 13:43

anorak - I don't have any direct experience of this but have a friend who had a similar situation. Is there any other family member she could go and live with for 4 weeks or so? Give you and the rest of your family some respite, give her some space? Obviously the person she stayed with being up to speed with what's going on. Don't know if that's at all possible

bundle · 29/09/2004 13:44

(maybe present her with one kind of therapy you favour and another you're not sure about - make sure she knows this - and she can make her own mind up, and she might think she's winding you up by doing a particular thing. this is after the tranquiliser dart btw.. )

littlemissbossy · 29/09/2004 13:47

IME they say they don't need knew etc because these are ways of hurting you (and your dh).
We just got to a point where it had to be tough action, dss was already physically threatening and aggressive, so if we'd needed to, we would have fought him to get him into the therapy sections - sad situation but true

Original poster

anorak · 29/09/2004 13:48

Thank you for the book recommendations katie. I did get a couple of books in town today but not those. Maybe I'll order them too, anything if it might help. There go the book tokens I got for my birthday eh!

For those of you who suggested we have an arrangement where she does babysitting and chores for a monthly allowance, I agree this is a great arrangement but unfortunately this is the arrangement we have been using and she doesn't want to do it any more. She wants payment by the hour or she won't do it. So we said don't do it.

OP posts:

Issymum · 29/09/2004 13:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Original poster

anorak · 29/09/2004 13:50

Littlemissbossy I still have a mark on my arm where she bit me when we had a fight seven weeks ago! I hated losing my temper so much that we had a fight and I really don't want to go there again! I did not hurt her by the way but she hurt me.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 29/09/2004 13:53

Anorak, love, if she won't listen to or deal with you, would she listen to any other player in her life, like school? Just a thought.

littlemissbossy · 29/09/2004 13:58

oh anorak, i've been there - although never biten! she needs help, would she consider group teenage therapy??

Original poster

anorak · 29/09/2004 14:02

She flatly refuses any kind of therapy. The only way I managed to get her to go in the past was by accusing her of being afraid to face up to it. When she got there she just treated it like a huge mind game where you try to outwit the therapist and they try to outwit you.

OP posts:

krocket · 29/09/2004 14:04

what did the therapist say anorak?
surely they must come up against this type of attitude/behaviour all the time

Original poster

anorak · 29/09/2004 14:05

After several sessions they agreed that if she refuses to talk there isn't much they can do to help.

OP posts:

unicorn · 29/09/2004 14:06

What do teachers/school say about her?
Is she mixing with a 'bad' crowd (just thought in relation to the stealing?)

littlemissbossy · 29/09/2004 14:07

So they gave up on her? you must be joking

krocket · 29/09/2004 14:12

I find that odd to LMB. I would have thought that a therapist used to dealing with teenagers would frequently come across those that refuse to talk. Surely part of their job is to overcome this.

Original poster

anorak · 29/09/2004 14:12

I don't honestly see how a therapist can help someone who won't talk to them.

I don't think she is in with a bad crowd, her friends are nice with decent parents, in fact new mumsnetter Christie is the mother of her best friend and they are a super family with whom we are very friendly.

I think she acquits herself fine at school. She gets good reports and the teacher like her. But I am a bit worried about her work this year. She seems to be losing interest in it.

OP posts:

unicorn · 29/09/2004 14:13

no suggestion of drugs is there? (sorry but worth exploring all avenues I reckon)

Original poster

anorak · 29/09/2004 14:13

She had several sessions with the therapists. And she overcame her depression and feelings of wanting to commit suicide. But she seemed to deal with it on her own, separately from the help she was offered by the therapy sessions and myself.

OP posts:

littlemissbossy · 29/09/2004 14:14

absolutely krocket! FWIW anorak, my dss barely said a word to the therapist for two whole months, but cracked him eventually

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