At a complete loss over dd age 14

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

This is going to be long so you have my apologies.

Up until now my dd has been a lovely teenager to be around. We were really close and got on.
She has quite a negative opinion of herself looks which I find ridiculous even removing bias.

She hadn't had a boyfriend until this May and she " met a boy" on Instagram. He knows one of her Male schoolfriends and they started chatting.
I wasnt concerned at all.
He lives 50 miles away so I thought this will be good really as she won't see him so much that it will have a negative effect on her schoolwork, family, hobbies and friends.

How wrong I was.


She has changed so much and I just need to vent really. I know what I think deep down.

I have met him and felt guarded towards him but put that down to being protective mum etc.
A few weeks ago she asked if she could attend a party at one of his friends house ( a friend I do not know and who lives by him) so miles away.
I was at work until late and said I didn't want to drive over as i had an early start. Plus she had seen him at our house 2 days before.
Anyway she was furious at this and suggested she got the train. I point blank refused as she hasn't ever got the train alone before due to her going to school in a rural area. I tend to drive her in or a school bus collects her.
That aside it is an hour and a half journey. 2 stops, passing through to different cities and she wanted to go at 7pm and get the last train at 11pm.
Again I said nope. Too young, too alone, too unsafe and as I didn't know where she was going it wasnt going to change.
She completely lost her temper and screaming how much she hates me etc.
I checked her phone later that evening and this boyfriend was saying stuff like
" your parents don't care about you baby, they just care about upsetting you"
" your dad is a wanker and your mum is a bitch"

I spoke to her about it and she said he was just angry.
I asked her to text him and say look it isn't going to happen just leave it.
And as she picked her phone up he messaged and it said
" I am going to wank in your face and then slap you"

I took the phone off her at this point. I'm not naive enough to think they talk about the weather. I was a teenager once but I was majorly uncomfortable with this.

When she had her phone back I told her I wanted to check it as and when I felt the need.
One evening she had fell asleep with it next to her ( earlier than phones downstairs time)
So I took it and brought it downstairs to charge.
A message popped up

" you said we could do bondage and make porn, you would if you loved me"
I then messaged him and said this is her mother and I suggest you rethink what you have just said.
He then dumped her as I'm such a bitch.

She seemed happier and said she wasnt talking to him but I found out yesterday she still is and they are back together.
And he has been applying for part time weekend jobs for her so I cant take her phone off her if she pays for it.
She has changed beyond all recognition and clearly hates me right now. She is utterly besotted with him.


Other messages I have seen off him go on about her being imperfect but this makes her more appealing princess

I cant help but think it all seems very manipulative.
I'm not even sure why I am writing this I'm just so worried about how much she has changed.

Any advice?
Give me a toddler any day. Jesus christ

[skylighting]

This is awful, OP I'm so sorry.

[NCTDN]

Omg poor you.
Has she now realised the control he had, or does she still want to see him?

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

She said

Can I speak to him after 3 weeks as just friends

And I said no.

So the tears started again.

I feel more in control now though.

[Chezmcd86]

I think taking phone of her... keeping her in etc will only make her rebel more... (I had friends who done same) you need to bring yourself to her level, be a mum of course but try talking as a friend a girl who understands .. that u understand she's growing up and has these feelings etc but that his "love" is wrong... then maybe for a scare factor find some documentaries or news clips of young girls who have been killed at the hands of these possessive controlling boys . I know that might sound extreme but it's real life and she needs to know the realism of it...
my daughter is 13 ... they think they know best (as we did at teenagers) x hope she comes out of this soon as this sounds alarming xx

[BillHadersNewWife]

Chez Taking her phone off her will stop this lad contacting her. Which is good if he thinks he can say things like that to her!! Since he lives so far away it will be hard to speak to him.

[BillHadersNewWife]

You sound like you're doing really well. I'd be on watch in case she tries to get a train to his or something.

[mamasiz]

You do right OP. When I was 15 I was in a relationship with a 19 year old. When my mum found out she went absolutely ballistic, took action and banned me from seeing him. I was enraged. No doubt it was easier to stop back then without social media. It’s only now with hindsight that I can see she was protecting me. Your daughter will come to see that too in time and will rightly thank you.

[YouJustDoYou]

Ithink taking phone of her... keeping her in etc will only make her rebel more

The 15 year old is trying to get her to do pornos and bondage . She is only 14. I wouldn't give a flying fuck if she "rebels" - as the police advise, this is grooming, and needs reporting to the police, as op is correctly doing.

[BumbleBeee69]

The 15 year old is trying to get her to do pornos and bondage . She is only 14. I wouldn't give a flying fuck if she "rebels" - as the police advise, this is grooming, and needs reporting to the police, as op is correctly doing.

this is darned right....

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

She is most certainly not having her phone back.

She will have it back eventually when I have changed her number, deleted the social media and password protected the app store.
Will have to look at safari settings too for Instagram I would imagine.

This will only happen when I've contacted the police and everything is calmer and more normal.

She is weirdly calm this afternoon.
Moping a bit but not hysterical.

[Chattybum]

Do not give her a phone until she has got over him completely. This will take months at her age. Google Breck Bednar. He was groomed in a (different way) by an 18 year old boy online. He was 15, his parents tried to stop him having contact with the groomer but his persistence was incredible. He even ordered a phone for Breck online and had it delivered to him when his parents took his phone away. I'm not in anyway trying to scare you, and sorry if I am but the groomer arranged for Breck to meet him secretly and he raped and murdered him. His parents could not believe how powerless they were to stop him. They contacted the police too. It was just horrible. Good luck op, stand firm and do not take any chances.

[GreyTS]

Oh my god OP, this must've terrifying for you, my heart is racing just reading it but you have managed to stay calm and handle this amazingly well. It is staggering that a boy so young could be so abusive, I wouldn't hold out hope of any support or help from his mother, she did after all help raise this piece of shit. I imagine only complete denial or a defensive response from her

[BlackSwanGreen]

I agree OP - you are handling this really well.

[Ifeelinclined]

Wow OP. This is a horrifying situation. I think you are doing all of the right things. I'm so glad you were able to intervene

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

The mother still hasn't read the message.

I'm thinking it is because we are not Facebook friends.

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

I remember the Breck Bednar case
Utterly horrifying and now I can see how it happened.

[Maybe83]

Send her a friend request. Yes it will go into other messages on messenger I think.

[JustDanceAddict]

I was thinking of Breck too. Definitely make her watch that.

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

I've sent her a friends request.

She was meant to be going shopping tomorrow.
Which is cancelled anyway

However delving deeper and speaking to her friend. I found out she was going to get the train and meet him.

He friends and their parents are horrified by it all.
Her best friends mum said that her dd has been trying to speak to my dd but my dd isn't ready to listen yet. I feel like I have been punched in the stomach by all of this.

[Newschapter]

Send her a friend request. That way she can read your message.

You're doing so well.

As a mother of a 15 year old boy I know how I would react to your message.

My boy would have his phone removed, all social life would stop and he would be left in no doubt as to how I and his father felt. I would be 200% supportive of you and whatever action you wanted to take over the messages, I assure you.

What the hell need do 15 year olds have to talk about bondage and porn? Though perhaps I am a prude.

[Newschapter]

Sorry, cross posts.

You are brilliant, and it's lovely to see how supportive her friends are - there is hope for dd to come out the other side of this

[Ariela]

You say she wants to be a vet. I wonder if a distraction could be to find her some 'work experience' situation at a vet or on a farm (possibly too young at the moment), or more likely at a riding stables. Most riding stables run some sort of 'help out in return for lessons' type club. Would keep her busy and handling horses would be useful experience for the vet training. Or see if she can join eg Young Farmers locally - they do things like stock judging, all useful stuff for trainee vets.

Maybe talk to her about her plans and see if there are any ideas she can come up with that would help with the ultimate goal of becoming a vet?

[NaomiFromMilkShake]

I don't shock easily and I am sitting here slack jawed.

Back all that horrible stuff up somewhere safe, it might save some other girl.

We always told our DS (thankfully now 18)

Never put anything in a text message or on social media that you wouldn't be prepared to stand up and say in front of whole school assembly.

I would tell her that it is out there, on his phone and there is little difference between it and you photocopying the texts and handing them out at the school gates, because you can be bloody sure he isn't keeping this to himself.

Obviously you wouldn't but the analogy remains.

Good luck, bloody hard this parenting lark....I wouldn't be without my DS but if I knew then what I know now...............

[BarbedBloom]

I was about to say, you need to be careful here. Very similar situation when I was her age with my friend. Her parents behaved exactly the same way, as you would and she left school, met with him and disappeared for almost two weeks. It was like an obsession with her, the more people tried to keep them apart, the more obsessed she became. It was terrifying. She was also messaging him from the library at school via an online email account.

[SexlessBoulderBelly]

Wait until he turns 16, DD will be under 16 then gather all the evidence you need for corruption of a minor.

If he won’t listen now, he definitely will with something like that on his record.