At a complete loss over dd age 14

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

This is going to be long so you have my apologies.

Up until now my dd has been a lovely teenager to be around. We were really close and got on.
She has quite a negative opinion of herself looks which I find ridiculous even removing bias.

She hadn't had a boyfriend until this May and she " met a boy" on Instagram. He knows one of her Male schoolfriends and they started chatting.
I wasnt concerned at all.
He lives 50 miles away so I thought this will be good really as she won't see him so much that it will have a negative effect on her schoolwork, family, hobbies and friends.

How wrong I was.

She has changed so much and I just need to vent really. I know what I think deep down.

I have met him and felt guarded towards him but put that down to being protective mum etc.
A few weeks ago she asked if she could attend a party at one of his friends house ( a friend I do not know and who lives by him) so miles away.
I was at work until late and said I didn't want to drive over as i had an early start. Plus she had seen him at our house 2 days before.
Anyway she was furious at this and suggested she got the train. I point blank refused as she hasn't ever got the train alone before due to her going to school in a rural area. I tend to drive her in or a school bus collects her.
That aside it is an hour and a half journey. 2 stops, passing through to different cities and she wanted to go at 7pm and get the last train at 11pm.
Again I said nope. Too young, too alone, too unsafe and as I didn't know where she was going it wasnt going to change.
She completely lost her temper and screaming how much she hates me etc.
I checked her phone later that evening and this boyfriend was saying stuff like
" your parents don't care about you baby, they just care about upsetting you"
" your dad is a wanker and your mum is a bitch"

I spoke to her about it and she said he was just angry.
I asked her to text him and say look it isn't going to happen just leave it.
And as she picked her phone up he messaged and it said
" I am going to wank in your face and then slap you"

I took the phone off her at this point. I'm not naive enough to think they talk about the weather. I was a teenager once but I was majorly uncomfortable with this.

When she had her phone back I told her I wanted to check it as and when I felt the need.
One evening she had fell asleep with it next to her ( earlier than phones downstairs time)
So I took it and brought it downstairs to charge.
A message popped up

" you said we could do bondage and make porn, you would if you loved me"
I then messaged him and said this is her mother and I suggest you rethink what you have just said.
He then dumped her as I'm such a bitch.

She seemed happier and said she wasnt talking to him but I found out yesterday she still is and they are back together.
And he has been applying for part time weekend jobs for her so I cant take her phone off her if she pays for it.
She has changed beyond all recognition and clearly hates me right now. She is utterly besotted with him.

Other messages I have seen off him go on about her being imperfect but this makes her more appealing princess

I cant help but think it all seems very manipulative.
I'm not even sure why I am writing this I'm just so worried about how much she has changed.

Any advice?
Give me a toddler any day. Jesus christ

I'm a mum of a 15 year old DS.

If you told me my son was acting like this I would fully support your daughter, remove his phone and he wouldn't be coming anywhere near your daughter or anyone elses - do not fear his mothers reaction she maybe shocked a his behaviour but will surely wish to put a stop to it.

Also though do consider contacting his Dad as well as his mum - Dad can often reign in a teen son better than mums and also contact the boys school as they have a duty to act if any of this contact has happend during school hours.
You can further protect your daughter when her phone is returned by blocking port 5223 on youe wifi router - this can be done through your firewall - this will prevent facetime being used in your home.

I think I would be involving the police.

This is just so wrong from so many angles, I know teens have easy access to porn but a 14 year old to be texting that is ... well I think maybe it isn't just your daughter who is receiving inappropriate messages.

Her friends are your route to stopping this. They'll have more influence than you.
It already seems as if they are onboard. Now you need to make them see the real danger she is in and ask for more help.
Tread carefully though. You don't want her rejecting them too.

Something about him encouraging her to earn her own money flagged up a 'County lines' coercion thing in my head.

@Carrotcakeforbreakfast I'm sure you can block a number by calling the phone company? That way she can't unblock him. She's clearly not mature enough for a smart phone. I'd get her an old type phone (so no apps) and block his number with the network.

Op this is so awful and I think you e done the right thing by contacting his mother.

This is an awful and scary situation for you all. Tough love is great but make sure you tell her that you love her everyday too.

I really came on here to say to you that it will get better. 14 was the most harrowing age ever as a parent but it does pass.

Oh god this sounds horrific it really does.

Having been in an abusive relationship I can only give you the perspective of my parents during that time.

They stayed completely normal with me (I was 17 though and moved out at 18)

They didn't comment on the relationship and made active attempts to get to know him. They hated him but just spent their time and energy building me up and put aside some funds so that when it broke down I would be ok. They day it did break down (many years and a DS later) my dad cried with me and helped me move out and told me he was so relieved.

When I asked why they were never direct about their fears they said I would have just isolated myself from them further because they didn't approve. They were right and I would have been so much worse off for it.

God knows how the hell to handle this with a teenage girl of 14. I'd be the same as you, emotional and exhausted with worry, I guess there has to be an amount of acceptance in that teens make unwise decisions, they are stubborn and headstrong and they are going through a developmental phase in which they "separate" from their parents and find their own place in the world.

The only things I can think of are
Let her know how constantly how loved she is. How she doesn't need anyone else to feel valued. Work on valuing herself. Completely separate to the conflict and concerns of this relationship. Be normal with her.

I would be talking with friends mums for sure and making sure their daughters are safe too. And his mum. You may not get the answer you want from her though given she will naturally be defensive of him.

I wish you all the luck and courage and everything else

I hope it all works out. If I was his mum I would want to know. I think it's inappropriate at 17 never mind 15!

Normally I wouldn't recommend forbidding a girl to see someone, as it would make it more likely for them to sneak around behind your back. But in this case I think it is the right answer, firstly because he sounds so awful, and secondly because as she's so young and he lives so far away you have a good chance of successfully preventing them meeting. Hopefully if you make it difficult enough for them, he'll get bored and move on to someone else.

Oh bloody hell OP. I have a young teen DD and this post has scared the hell out of me. I can't believe the disgusting intentions he has towards her, he's going to wank in her face and then slap her? WTAF???!!!!
I think I would be tempted to screen shot any inappropriate messages and show them to his mother. I would then follow up with a message that if he contacts her again he will be reported to the police. You are not over reacting, you need to do everything on your power to stop all contact between them, immediately.

I have been here with my dd. It ended very badly with a very very serious thing happening to her.

I did what every one is suggesting grounded, removed phone banned her from seeing him.

She rebelled completely and it pushed her further towards him and just reinforced in her mind all the things he said about me and our family.

She was absolutely besotted and didnt see what he was doing/saying was wrong.

She found transition to secondary school very hard, she literally shrank into her self and had a very poor self image of her self.

He played on that and he was all she could see and hear. School fell of a cliff, arguments at home trying to keep her away from him. She just wouldn't come home, stopped knowing were she was etc.

Its easy to say shes 14 you just stop it. It really isnt that simple. My dd use to just walk out school with him.

This is what I did:
• Counselling for her and I every week separately and one joint session every 4 weeks
• Met with school told them everything. The put in place supports in school and she had a teacher who regularly checked in with her and spent time with her. I spoke to her year head every week I think.
• Social services did become involved due to the nature of the incident that occurred.
• Contacted the police.
• Made sure that we had a least one thing a week that we did together with zero mention of him or the situation. To try and keep the lines of communication open and her involved in family life.
• I had her friends in my house as much a possible no matter how much it put me out to try and make sure she held on to some decent people around her.

It took 2 years to get through it. It was honestly the worst of my life I cried so much and felt so much fear but she moved on and has a much healthier view of her self and we are very very close.

There will be so many things having been said/done that you dont know about. She probably feels so under pressure and torn between wanting to make him happy so he still likes her and being scared and not happy.

Get her some counselling as soon as possible with someone specialise with working with adolescent.

Good luck I know how absolutely hopeless it all feels and out of control.

I honestly felt I was walking in someone else's life it very nearly destroyed our family.

Hi Op

So sorry your going through this with your daughter right now 13/14 is such a difficult age I remember when I was that age and I cringe now at my behaviour and total disrespect towards my parents I was moody and nasty and I fell in with the wrong crowd nothing serious but I did skip school lessons would end up in detention etc hung around wrong lads but eventually a switch went off and I turned around by the time I was 15 my parents had a shit year with me but I dropped the wrong ones and started to hang around with lovely group again and knuckled down with school work again it's possible your daughter is just dealing with hormones her insecurities I too was like this for years it's horrible and if I could go back and have a word with my younger self and tell them to be nice respect your parents they do know what's best I would the only thing I can suggest is to perhaps chat to this lads parents raise your concerns and ask that they keep their son away from your daughter it's horrible I know but maybe try talking to her sit her down show her videos of girls who've been emotional abused highlight the issues rather than having arguments where your both butting heads her teenage grumpy self is sadly going to see you as interfering and not as she should be seeing you as a caring loving mum looking out for her and her safety it's hard op but hang on in there she will eventually come back to you

if he really is only 15 its important to remember hes still a child himself and its sad hes already like that, i appreciate it's not your concern. maybe start that conversation with her? how its sad and creepy how at only 15 hes already like and how shes dodged a bullet and how will he be in 3 yrs time? your poor daughter.

Op, we had a police officer specialising in child grooming and online soliciting come to my children's school to highlight and warn against exactly what is being done to your daughter. She said the police need to be informed ESPECIALLY as he has mentioned her doing porn with him. I don't care if anyone on here says it's an overreaction - this is exactly how our girls and boys are groomed and the police absolutely must, MUST, be informed. I would go down the nearest available station, show them what he's been sending her, and see what they say. It's disgusting, it's extremely concerning, and it is utterly UTTERLY unacceptable.

First thing I would do is go and see the best friend's Mum and show her the messages. Tell her that her daughter has let your DD use her phone to continue to message him. In doing she has given this boy her own number and he may start contacting her directly as well.

Secondly inform school that this is happening. She may well listen to someone there rather than her own Mum.

I would try to contact his Mum through other means so she knows the things her son is saying.

As part of a safeguarding course I did we were told that the local shopping centre down the road from us is a place for grooming. So men gift stuff to teenage boys, and these teenage boys in return befriend teenage girls. The older men then get introduced as a "friend" and start buying small gifts for the girls. Then those girls are expected to give something back for those gifts. It was a terrifying thought. I have teenage sons but I told them that this happens and if they are approached they need to tell us.

I would also tell your DD that you love her so much that you are willing to piss her off to protect her. That no-one in this world would do more for her, that you would walk through fire to get to her, that she is so precious to you. That the trauma lasts a lifetime if you put yourself in a situation that could get out of hand. My best friend was raped and it made us realise the risks we were taking in talking to people we didn't know. I was 15. We thought we were so cool. We were fucking idiots.

I agree with the others who say it’s grooming. It’s not a ‘normal’ relationship and having a 15 yr old DS myself, nothing that he or his friends are interested in at all. It makes me wonder about his background too. And 14 year olds can’t really work / maybe washing up in a small cafe for v crappy pay. Makes me wonder about county lines.
I would speak to school, maybe they can contact his school or advise further. It’s definitely a safeguarding issue.
She probably needs some counselling for her self esteem issues too (I def looked for validation from guys for my poor SE issues as a teen) so she doesn’t get into a vulnerable position again.

Oh OP I have no advice but I wanted to send a hand hold. It's a horrible situation you find yourself in and I can't imagine how difficult it is to do the best for your child when they hate you so much for it. Just know you are doing the right thing and she will eventually see that too.

Could you get her in to see a counselor? Just someone she can vent to that isn't this boy dripping poison into her ear, so when she expresses her anger towards you they can help her unpack that in a healthy way rather than encourage it? School may be able to help in that regard.

To those posters urging the op to think of the boy's perspective - yes, it's sad that he is young and like this, but he's fucking dangerous and does not deserve any more headspace or compassion at this point. He is dangerous!! The op needs to circle the wagons and keep him, his family, his influence OUT of her child's life asap.

Encouraging her to consider what he's going through or whatever abuse he may have endured (which is very likely) will not serve to protect her child, but will likely divert precious resources of time and energy away from her child.

This boy is not her responsibility, not in any way, not even for compassion. Maybe, when her DD is out of danger, those sorts of conversations can be had, but now is not the time.

" you said we could do bondage and make porn, you would if you loved me"
This would be a serious CRIME, and put him of sex offenders list. His parents need to be made aware.

Another one saying involve school , it's safeguarding, although my heart wants to rip his head off ... and maybe he is just as vile as he appears ,but he may have a back story that his school might be able to add this information to . At the very least if a light is shone on his behaviour they from there end can involve the police , it may come out that he's being groomed too . I'd be telling best friends mum , he now has her daughters number to pass on or use . I'd definitely go to the police , they may do an assembly on the lasting effects of being talked in to porn .your daughter won't be the only child in this situation. Don't wait for the slow wheels to turn to get help , there are plenty of good companies on line that help teenagers find one with a local therapist and have a good , honest chat . You'll know if their the one for your daughter. Good luck

I just want to thank you all so much for the messages. They're really helping me think straight.

We have had a hellish morning when she realised she wasn't going to get her phone back.
She woke me up at 7am for it and that's when it all started.

She got her coat on and went to storm out. I stopped her.
She said she was going to kill herself again ( she has never said anything like this before)
She said she wants emancipation from me and her dad.
She has sobbed and screamed.
Hyperventilating. The works.

My sister and parents have spoke to her and tried reasoning and told her how toxic this all is.
She has for now calmed down. Me and her dad have sat and properly spoke to her about grooming, I've told her I think I need to contact the police and I've told her I have contacted his mum ( who has not seen the message yet)
She is desperate for me not to contact the police as she is worried she will get into trouble as she messaged back and allowed it. I explained that the police would view her as a victim and that she messaged him back because that was how he had manipulated her to be.

I'll be contacting the police later today when her dad takes her for a Starbucks so they can have a chat. She is stopping with my parents tonight as I think she needs a break from me and my parents are very switched on too. I really need to create a bit of space for us as I am concerned that her younger sister is feeling the impact of all the screaming and shouting.
I think a night with nan and grandad is just what the dr ordered.

Monday I will be going into school to speak to her head of year and safeguarding team too.

I went through her phone last night and restored the pictures she had deleted.

There were messages of pictures of dom/sub bdsm scenarios. " you'll be my filthy cockslut"
Honest to God I never thought I would be in this situation

There was a screenshot she had deleted from her other friend where he had messaged her and said "I'm bored of DD now and I really like you"

Her friend thankfully sent this screenshot to dd and when I asked her about it she said he told her " it was just a prank"
He controls her through her emotions and low self esteem.
She cannot see it though and my heart breaks for her.

OP that is terrifying reading... deep breath and focus on contacting the Police. You have put your daughter in a safe place with your parents. You're doing great maintaining your composure and standing firm, it'd be so easy to cave, with the threats of 'suicide'. Have you heard from the Mother yet ?

I wish you the best OP, and please tell the Police everything, including her self harming response to having the phone removed, it's all relevant.

Jesus Christ op, that is horrific! Jesus, so so glad you're going to the police, how utterly horrifically concerning.

You are.doing well in a horrible situation. Keep going, sending you strength.