At a complete loss over dd age 14

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

This is going to be long so you have my apologies.

Up until now my dd has been a lovely teenager to be around. We were really close and got on.
She has quite a negative opinion of herself looks which I find ridiculous even removing bias.

She hadn't had a boyfriend until this May and she " met a boy" on Instagram. He knows one of her Male schoolfriends and they started chatting.
I wasnt concerned at all.
He lives 50 miles away so I thought this will be good really as she won't see him so much that it will have a negative effect on her schoolwork, family, hobbies and friends.

How wrong I was.


She has changed so much and I just need to vent really. I know what I think deep down.

I have met him and felt guarded towards him but put that down to being protective mum etc.
A few weeks ago she asked if she could attend a party at one of his friends house ( a friend I do not know and who lives by him) so miles away.
I was at work until late and said I didn't want to drive over as i had an early start. Plus she had seen him at our house 2 days before.
Anyway she was furious at this and suggested she got the train. I point blank refused as she hasn't ever got the train alone before due to her going to school in a rural area. I tend to drive her in or a school bus collects her.
That aside it is an hour and a half journey. 2 stops, passing through to different cities and she wanted to go at 7pm and get the last train at 11pm.
Again I said nope. Too young, too alone, too unsafe and as I didn't know where she was going it wasnt going to change.
She completely lost her temper and screaming how much she hates me etc.
I checked her phone later that evening and this boyfriend was saying stuff like
" your parents don't care about you baby, they just care about upsetting you"
" your dad is a wanker and your mum is a bitch"

I spoke to her about it and she said he was just angry.
I asked her to text him and say look it isn't going to happen just leave it.
And as she picked her phone up he messaged and it said
" I am going to wank in your face and then slap you"

I took the phone off her at this point. I'm not naive enough to think they talk about the weather. I was a teenager once but I was majorly uncomfortable with this.

When she had her phone back I told her I wanted to check it as and when I felt the need.
One evening she had fell asleep with it next to her ( earlier than phones downstairs time)
So I took it and brought it downstairs to charge.
A message popped up

" you said we could do bondage and make porn, you would if you loved me"
I then messaged him and said this is her mother and I suggest you rethink what you have just said.
He then dumped her as I'm such a bitch.

She seemed happier and said she wasnt talking to him but I found out yesterday she still is and they are back together.
And he has been applying for part time weekend jobs for her so I cant take her phone off her if she pays for it.
She has changed beyond all recognition and clearly hates me right now. She is utterly besotted with him.


Other messages I have seen off him go on about her being imperfect but this makes her more appealing princess

I cant help but think it all seems very manipulative.
I'm not even sure why I am writing this I'm just so worried about how much she has changed.

Any advice?
Give me a toddler any day. Jesus christ

[Gruzinkerbell1]

I wouldn’t play those games. Keep her where you can see her/know she’s safe. Train stations can be so busy. You might miss her and then she’ll be gone.

Sorry the police cancelled tonight but glad you have an appointment now.

[Ketomeato]

I think you’re doing brilliantly. And I’d also counsel speaking to your GP to see if there’s something she can give you for your nerves. When I was going through a very stressful (but different) thing, a short course of low dose diazepam helped massively.

[stucknoue]

Can I try to give you a bit of advice from someone whose DD's are past this stage? You really need to pick your battles and ensure that you give her the feeling that she has some control because otherwise she will dig in her heels more and potentially be a runaway statistic even. Teenagers use language that I am horrified by, I certainly would not discuss and I'm not interested in ... but most of it is talk. I wasn't happy with my dd having a serious boyfriend at 15 for sure but refusing to let her go out would have resulted in bad outcomes all around. My suggestion is to use school grades, detentions etc all as leverage. The boy is her age, it's not grooming, but sitting them both down to talk to them about the issues is the best starting point, give carrots to toe the line not just sticks.

It's escalating and she needs able to save some face to be honest ... only you can ascertain the right course for you but don't push her away

[Lunafortheloveogod]

Make sure you have all the screenshots you can, even if ds’s friend has any, the more evidence you have the better. Even better if you can show he’s done similar to other girls.

Don’t try to catch her in a lie, it just makes teens lie better.. I used to sneak away on trains, I’d get the bus a few towns over and go from there so id never meet someone at the station.

[dadshere]

Remove the phone. If you are tech savvy check for photos/videos. (they can be hidden). If not, get someone you trust to check. Remove access to the internet for anything but school work. Tell your schools' DSL. Her friends may enable this relationship by covering for her, letting her use their phones etc. If you have even the slightest evidence that he may have encouraged her to send nude/sexual pictures, go straight to the police. She will probably hate you for a short time, but you are her mum and that is jus the way it has to be sometimes.

[poorlymatchedsocks]

Sounds like the boy has been exposed to a lot of porn and just thinks it's normal to speak like that which it's not. It's really shocking how people view porn when they don't have real sexual education knowledge and get all of their information online. I'd educate her, explain that the way they are speaking is NOT healthy and not appropriate for her age and is not realistic and how dangerous people can be who are heavily exposed to violent pornography can be.

[feelinghelplesstoday]

Oh @Carrotcakeforbreakfast I have no advice but wanted to give you a hug and tell you you are an amazing mum.
You will all come through this but so hard on you all for now.
This is why I hate social media 😢 xx

[SirVixofVixHall]

I have been thinking of you all day OP. I have a 14 year old dd, I think you are handling this very well, it is a hellish situation

[Pumpkintopf]

Christ op this is terrifying. I have a 14 yo dd. I'd be absolutely horrified if I thought she was being exposed to this sort of abusive degrading language. So glad you have the police involved and plans to speak to the school. I'd be ringing his mum on Monday at work too if she hasn't responded on FB. And yes, there'd be no way she'd be getting her phone or any other method of contact with him, back. Conversely I'd be encouraging sleepovers with your dd's sensible and lovely friends , maybe at your house if you don't trust her not to run off - so she does not become isolated from the good influences in her life.

Sending you strength.

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

Had a long chat with my mum just and she is apparently very tearful.
My sister said the same and thinks it is because she feels bad for lying.

I really don't feel a good mum right now

When we first realised what was happening we took her phone and arranged a sleepover for her and her friends. Took them to fireworks and ordered pizza for her room.
DH did an 80 mile round trip because of where we live but they're such nice friends and we felt like she needed them.

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

She has had 6 missed calls and numerous snaps since I took the phone.

I've read the messages.
They started out
" love you baby"


Now they're " fine ignore me then"

[Themyscira]

I would be sorely tempted to respond with a bollocking.

[Pumpkintopf]

I think you're being really strong and doing all the right things.

I'm sure the police and school will advise if they think there are any additional measures you should be taking.

So glad you facilitated her friends spending time with her. She needs time with people who respect her for who she is and treat her properly.

[NaomiFromMilkShake]

Themyscira

So would I, but this needs the long game.

[sashh]

OP

You do not realise what a good job you are doing because you are in the middle of it.

Breck Bednar's mother set up a foundation in his name, it is mostly devoted to internet grooming but I'm sure you will find some helpful advice.

www.breckfoundation.org/

Another resource Kayleigh's love story - watch it yourself first but it is a very similar situation to your dd.

www.cityoflondon.police.uk/advice-and-support/protecting-you-and-your-family/Pages/Online-grooming-awareness-film-.aspx

Finally a question for dd, if she got the train and at the other end a man met her and said he was BF's dad, uncle, older brother and he is going to drive her to BF what would she do?

[Christmaspug]

Screenshot every single thing ..send copies to school head ,police and his mum and dad..I’d probably involve ss and get them checking on the boys family..I would keep her busy ,take her places myself ,spend as much time as possible with her,and only allow phone internet while I was supervising.
You’ve got this op ..you can do it xxxx

[highhopess]

You sound like an amazing mum. She might not like you right now but one day she will realise everything you did to protect her.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Just posting to say a huge well done OP for being so proactive. I hope that boy gets the fright of his life and learns that his behaviour is completely unacceptable.

[user1480880826]

Can you find out what school he goes to and contact them?

[sam221]

Op I am shocked by the extent of the control this boy has over your daughter in such a short time. I know your not seeing at the moment but you are really doing a terrific job of doing your best, to protect your daughter.
In terms of advice, keep all communication, does your daughter have a laptop/tablet/online gaming-because they could communicate via those mediums.
If the mother does not respond, then consider contacting a solicitor to send a letter of intent to pursue civil action/criminal action against the parents for allowing their son internet access to sexually groom your daughter. That should wake them up a bit whether you follow through or not.
The police should be much more informative and hopefully your daughter listens to them.
You are doing the right thing by not giving her the phone back, she needs to know that she needs to earn back trust.
I wish you strength and good wishes to get you through this period in your life.

[Irisloulou]

I’d go after the boy, cause as much trouble for him as possible.
POlice, parents, school, social services, solicitors letter.

Compile a file of his messages and send them to his mum.

The more trouble you can cause the more likely he will back off. As for DD, lock down for a very long time, some therapy.
I liked the suggestion from PP about work experience.

[rainbowstardrops]

Blimey OP, what a worry! I have a DD who's 14 and this scares the life out of me.
I know you can't see it right now but you are being amazing and I'm sure at some point down the line, your DD will be so thankful that you had her back.
Stay strong

[SirVixofVixHall]

“I am going to wank in your face and slap you “
I read this to DH, he was 😮😮😮😮😮 . We were talking about when he was fifteen, and the enormous difference in attitudes from boys now. This is one of the reasons I hate porn, as this is what it can do to boys. Fuel fantasies, objectify girls, and make boys feel that this is an entirely acceptable way to talk to a 14 year old girl.
If I was his mother I would be putting all his devices on a bonfire. I feel sorry for his parents when they see the messages, I would be so ashamed if he was my son.

[QueenOfOversharing]

Good morning - I just wanted to add something, as mother to a DS (he's 21 now). I would be ashamed & disgusted if I found out he was speaking to anyone like that & encouraging them to lie to their parents. If you contacted me & showed me these messages, the consequences would be dire for him. I do worry, however, as others have said, that given this language & attitude, (I would assume this came from viewing porn), his family might not take this as seriously as we do. I hope I'm wrong in that, but in any case, I would be hell bent on showing him the consequences of all of it.

You are doing great - we're here to remind you while you can't see it. (A quick aside - I'm dealing with DS' addiction to online gaming, and that is making me feel like an utter failure - we judge ourselves by our childrens' stuff, and harshly too).

[Gruzinkerbell1]

If any teenage scrote ever spoke to my 14 year old daughter the way this boy thinks is acceptable I’d break his fingers. Put an end to his social media vileness. That’s if I could get near him because I dread to think what my husband would do to him.

Contacting the police, telling his mother, getting her friends on side and putting your daughter on lock down is absolutely the way to handle this. Please don’t forget to tell the school tomorrow too. They need to be aware, and need to consider that she might try to leave school to meet him, or he might turn up at school claiming to be a relative to see her. He seems to have zero boundaries.