At a complete loss over dd age 14

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

This is going to be long so you have my apologies.

Up until now my dd has been a lovely teenager to be around. We were really close and got on.
She has quite a negative opinion of herself looks which I find ridiculous even removing bias.

She hadn't had a boyfriend until this May and she " met a boy" on Instagram. He knows one of her Male schoolfriends and they started chatting.
I wasnt concerned at all.
He lives 50 miles away so I thought this will be good really as she won't see him so much that it will have a negative effect on her schoolwork, family, hobbies and friends.

How wrong I was.


She has changed so much and I just need to vent really. I know what I think deep down.

I have met him and felt guarded towards him but put that down to being protective mum etc.
A few weeks ago she asked if she could attend a party at one of his friends house ( a friend I do not know and who lives by him) so miles away.
I was at work until late and said I didn't want to drive over as i had an early start. Plus she had seen him at our house 2 days before.
Anyway she was furious at this and suggested she got the train. I point blank refused as she hasn't ever got the train alone before due to her going to school in a rural area. I tend to drive her in or a school bus collects her.
That aside it is an hour and a half journey. 2 stops, passing through to different cities and she wanted to go at 7pm and get the last train at 11pm.
Again I said nope. Too young, too alone, too unsafe and as I didn't know where she was going it wasnt going to change.
She completely lost her temper and screaming how much she hates me etc.
I checked her phone later that evening and this boyfriend was saying stuff like
" your parents don't care about you baby, they just care about upsetting you"
" your dad is a wanker and your mum is a bitch"

I spoke to her about it and she said he was just angry.
I asked her to text him and say look it isn't going to happen just leave it.
And as she picked her phone up he messaged and it said
" I am going to wank in your face and then slap you"

I took the phone off her at this point. I'm not naive enough to think they talk about the weather. I was a teenager once but I was majorly uncomfortable with this.

When she had her phone back I told her I wanted to check it as and when I felt the need.
One evening she had fell asleep with it next to her ( earlier than phones downstairs time)
So I took it and brought it downstairs to charge.
A message popped up

" you said we could do bondage and make porn, you would if you loved me"
I then messaged him and said this is her mother and I suggest you rethink what you have just said.
He then dumped her as I'm such a bitch.

She seemed happier and said she wasnt talking to him but I found out yesterday she still is and they are back together.
And he has been applying for part time weekend jobs for her so I cant take her phone off her if she pays for it.
She has changed beyond all recognition and clearly hates me right now. She is utterly besotted with him.


Other messages I have seen off him go on about her being imperfect but this makes her more appealing princess

I cant help but think it all seems very manipulative.
I'm not even sure why I am writing this I'm just so worried about how much she has changed.

Any advice?
Give me a toddler any day. Jesus christ

[Rose87777]

Well what a bloody eye opener this thread is! I am horrified reading the things he has said to your dd. You have handled this very well OP. Hopefully the fact that the police are involved and it’s such a huge deal (rightly!!) your dd will realise how awfully wrong this is. Might be worth her seeing a counsellor afterwards to help her realise that this type of behaviour is not typical of a healthy relationship

[newmamm]

I'm so glad they are taking this seriously, I'm shocked by his language and the fact that he is threatening to share photos at just 15 shows how dangerous he potentially is.
Can I also add that this can absolutely happen to any child, not just one who has had a poor home life. The way you've acted shows how much you care for your DD.

[JenniferM1989]

I don't understand why the victim in this can be assumed to be the one that didn't have a good childhood? Absolutely not. Teenagers in general are figuring themselves out and lack a bit of self esteem and confidence most of the time and can easily get into the hands of someone less desirable. I would be more concerned about the boy and what he has been exposed to! I would do everything you have done OP

[IDontEvenHaveAPla]

OP, I cannot offer you any further advice but did want to tell you that you have handled this incredibly well and you should be proud of yourself. You have not failed your daughter and there will be a day she is very thankful to you for all of this.

This entire situation is awful and I cannot even imagine what it must be like, but you have taken all the necessary steps. I sincerely hope this is a wake-up call for other parents of teenagers who give them full reign and do not monitor their online presence and activities. It's not abuse to not give into your child's every demand. You do what is right for your family.

I hope your daughter and the rest of the family can heal from this and that it brings you all closer to one another.

I was the same age as your daughter 15 years ago and I can still remember how dramatic my friends and I felt life was then. It's funny now, but back then we felt we were always so hard done by, no one understood us and so on. Fortunately, we all always say we are thankful we did not grow up in the era of social media. It is incredibly hard for the current generation, there is a lot of social pressures and this new wave of seeking validation online.

Good luck to you and your family, I wish you all the best.

[sashh]

OP

I think this should go into classics, there is so much useful information.

And another pat on the shoulder for being a great mum.

[justilou1]

OP, I know this has been awful. One of the most awful thing I can imagine putting myself into yours as DD’s shoes for. I have two DDs 13 & 15 and a 13 yo DS. I think you have handled this with integrity and honesty and I am so proud of you! I know how much kids hide and how easily manipulated they are. You can teach them things until you are blue in the face, but it doesn’t mean that they don’t think that they know better. I am so relieved that the police are taking this seriously. You are VERY lucky about this. (Not the same for a friend of my eldest DD. Poor kid was basically slut-shamed and told to suck it up.)

[zafferana]

The police take this stuff very seriously, but their focus is to prevent online abuse, not to criminalise those who have been groomed. I was also quite surprised by what is now illegal. Any photos in provocative poses, in states of undress, etc, are illegal to be sent by anyone under the age of 18, even if it's a photo of themselves sent by them. This boy is likely to get a real scare from the police and I hope so too, particularly when he supposedly wants to be a solicitor!! I'm guessing a criminal record as a minor isn't exactly a good start to that career path.

[Puppymum2018]

Have to agree with other posters you’ve handled it so well.
I have a 16 DD and we have a good open relationship and knew the rules around phones & she fairly kept to it. This chat did prompt me to have another conversation around photos - she has a long term boyfriend and with her now being 16 I dont really check her phone anymore! Thankfully she looked at me and went no way & we sat and did a photo book for him for Christmas and she didn’t worry about me looking at the photos. Though oddly I felt like I was invading her privacy!

I have another DD10 - I reckon she will push every button and challenge me more - but I’m glad with the iPhone settings I can switch apps off and have a little more control by the time she is 13/14!

[LyraSilvertongueBelacqua]

OP - just wanted to say that I think you've handle this admirably and clearly are a wonderful mum x

[Pumpkintopf]

How did you get on with the police/school today op?

[NCTDN]

Yes I was thinking about op today as well.

[CherryBathBomb]

How did it go today?

[AFairlyHardAvocado]

Another one here hoping today went ok

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

Hello all

I feel so drained today and unbelievably tired.
Dd seems so much more cheerful and carefree.
Just like she was before she started talking to him.
I was expecting her to be upset but no, the relief is palpable.

The police are now seeing us tomorrow but I may ask them to delay it a day or 2 as my younger dd will be around. DH can't swap his shift and I would rather the littlest one not eavesdrop.

School where fantastic.
DD head of year called me as I emailed him last night and my sister called him too to check in.
He has been so good and referred to the school safeguarding team and school counsellor.

He too said he has noticed dd was becoming more and more sullen and disengaged. He has been her head of year since year 7 so knows her very well.

I feel far more positive now and relieved but just mentally and emotionally drained.

[AFairlyHardAvocado]

Oh this is fantastic news OP I am so pleased for you! And your poor daughter thank god she's out of the situation now, I could cry at how relieved it sounds like she is. Well done for handling this so well and getting the right people helping you out too, brilliant the police and school have been supportive and taken it seriously. Give her a big hug from the MN army

[justilou1]

I am so pleased to see parent-led decisions being made. All too often on here I see parents faffing around saying “Oh, I can’t do anything because my kid wouldn’t like it, or wouldn’t let me...”. Here is a very clear-cut example of a child needing her parents to take control so that they can feel safe. You and DH have made some hard decisions on behalf of your child so that she wouldn’t have to, and while you have all got some healing to do, you’re clearly getting your DD back, and thank god, all of this was uncovered before anything more heartbreaking happened. Once again, I applaud the way you have handled this as a family.

[NCTDN]

It seems that DD is actually relieved you have found out and that your are helping her regain control over her own life? Well done - glad it is positive.

[Paddy1234]

This is what I wanted to hear ❤️

[QueenOfOversharing]

I feel far more positive now and relieved but just mentally and emotionally drained.

This is great - hopefully things will just settle & your DD can put this behind her. So glad the school are being so understanding too.

[BertieBotts]

Gosh - I got pulled into a relationship like this at 18, when I was presumably 4 years more mature and worldly than a 14 year old, and I absolutely don't need the stately homes thread. My childhood was fine and my mum is lovely, not toxic in any way. It does not necessarily follow and I hope you haven't taken that particular poster's comments to heart OP.

Teenagers are susceptible to this kind of thing because they are emotionally immature (because they AREN'T fully mature yet, not because there is anything wrong) and don't have much experience of relationships, so they can just assume this is how it is for everyone.

Well done OP I still think you are doing brilliantly.

[Gruzinkerbell1]

Well done @Carrotcakeforbreakfast! I’m so glad to hear that things are settling down already and that your girl is coming back to you. She desperately needed your help and your whole family stepped in to protect her. That’s bloody good parenting in my books.

Hope it all goes well with the police, and brilliant that the school are being so supportive too.

Take care of yourself, you’ve done absolutely everything right. Enjoy having your lovely daughter back

[Themyscira]

Amazing news,.op. so so glad for.you all.

[girlofthenorth]

Just been through the thread and want to say well done OP, my DD is 15 and it's a really tough situation, I hope it goes well from here. I think you handled everything well. I didn't see any mention of it on the thread so thought I would mention , a friend of mine had a similar situation and the NSPCC were very good and understanding.

[Pumpkintopf]

So relieved to hear this op, it sounds like your daughter is genuinely glad to be out of the influence of this horrible individual. Well done you for protecting her so strongly.

[HollowTalk]

You've done really well, OP and so has your daughter. It's like she was addicted to him, isn't it? I'm so glad you've helped her break free of him.