Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Teenstimestwo I am adopted (as a baby) and always had an incredibly poor relationship with my adoptive Mother. It definitely worsened during my teenage years and never improved afterwards but was pretty dreadful to start with. With my Grandma and Dad, we had had a good relationship throughout early childhood and totally regained that as I got older. I was devastated to lose my Dad when I was 22.

Found you PoTs! Great title and thank you billybagpuss for the letter from your teen which was just what I needed to hear this morning.

Haven't managed to catch up on the thread properly (or the previous one) since Mumsnet removed it from "threads I'm on" and I couldn't find it. Finally worked out that if I searched for posts by me it would be there!

The usual mh stuff going on here. Camhs in their wisdom have taken ds off his ads. Just before the flipping AS levels. Great. Thanks for that. Whilst I am sure they know what they are doing, any kind of med change brings adjustment I guess, and it's not been plain sailing.

College still haven't come back to me about what on earth we are going to do next year. He missed his counsellor apt this morning as he couldn't face going in. (Left the house, came back minutes later) so I managed to have a chat with the college counsellor who is going to push for some action.

Having to chase camhs for appointments, they are really stretched i know, but it's so important if they are going to take him off meds that he is properly supported.

I am living on high alert still. Constant migraines and am off to the Doctors this afternoon to get different medication to prevent them as I am now sure that it's all anxiety and stress related. Not being helped by my contract at work coming to an end in July and no news on whether it will be renewed. To be honest I wouldn't blame them if they didn't. I am not firing on all cylinders.... Job hunting seems to be a horrendous option though.

Life eh?! Keep strong PoTs. Thinking of having "This too shall pass" tattooed on my forehead.

@Tarrarra....sorry to hear of DS strife, I hope he can just hold it together during exams. Worth knowing that most unis don't really consider AS levels whatsoever in their decision to make offers though....takes the pressure off a little just knowing that.
I too struggle with anxiety and mines sky high right now...it always bites me at night I'm afraid and robs me of sleep. My first bout was 7 years back after DH had a cancer scare when i saw a psychologist myself - v handy. But the single most useful thing which has enabled me to self manage both my sleeplessness and anxiety in the subsequent years through life's stresses is a book called The Good Sleep Guide by Guy Meadows. I keep it by the bed and it's well thumbed. His approach works for me every time.

I'll check that book out, thank you!

Hi 'potters' hope you are all doing alright, wishing you peace of mind 😀.

Hello all. Getting a bit of peace here atm and the difference for my mental health is huge- even sleeping ok. Sadly I don’t know quite why. It’s worth me remembering though that a lot of what our monsters take out on us is actually external stuff nothing to do with our parenting- school, relationships, etc.

My DSS has been much more himself since his GCSEs actually started. I’m hoping it’s going to last.

Same here Machinebee my dd responds fairly well to the pressure of exams once they are actually underway, but she finds the anticipation leading up to them really stressful and offloads all that stress on me us.

Tinkobell and Tarrara your posts (sadly) demonstrate how very physically debilitating living with constant stress and anxiety can be.

That's so sad about losing your dad so young vjg13 but lovely that you were able to regain your close relationship with him

Good luck to Tarrara's ds and to all other teens during this stressful exam period. Hang in there Po Ts!

Went to see a counselor person about my "grey period" this afternoon. She was excellent, intelligent, empathetic etc but tbh I am not convinced that relaying all the issues out loud (having endlessly thought about them in my head) actually helps. What I am after is solutions!

So sympathise with that! I have this issue with camhs too. Endless listening and echoing. No actual ideas. Calm has now ended and I’m
being abused again!

Morning all @tarrara sending you much peace and calm. The AS levels were the worse bit for us things honestly did start to get unrecognisably better after that. They both changed schools and started again and were so unbelievably happier it was weird. Also I think once you get into year 13 life starts to get exciting and the end of school is in sight.

Wishing you all the best try and get him out lots over the summer

Have you got room for a little one?
Just found this board, and this post, although I've been a poster elsewhere on MN for a while.
We have 2 teens - DD who is 15 and DS who is 13.
DD has ADHD, which is difficult in itself, and as a result, I have had to become her P.A, supervising and organising virtually every part of her life. The standard " actions and consequences" stuff , that seems to work for most children, doesn't work with her so I struggle with the discipline part of parenting much of the time. A lot of the time, I am physically and mentally exhausted and fearful for her future; she has zero self confidence, social anxiety and no real independence. All that said, she is lovely and finally doing well at school ( and enjoys it), so we have a lot to be grateful for.

DS is a different character altogether. Bit of an all-rounder, does well at school with not a huge amount of effort, quick- witted and sharp, a decent amount of charisma...all of which means he's inclined to get himself into minor scrapes on a regular basis.
The latest issue we have is lying; not big lies but still a concern. For eg, telling us he wasn't needed for a team photo, when in fact he simply decided he couldn't be bothered to show up for it.
Other issues are things like being unkind to peers and DD ( using words), talking back to us/sneering/mocking, refusing to do anything we ask him to do without a huge blow up...general unpleasantness.
As a result of the issues with both DCs, our homelife is generally pretty stressful and none of us are happy. Both DCs go to schools away from our local area, so they don't get to see friends outside school during the week, which is possibly intensifying the situation at home.

We have no family within 160 miles, DS works away quite a lot and I have a chronic health condition that is exacerbated by stress. Additionally, I lost my sister to cancer very rapidly 6 months ago, and my mother has just been diagnosed with bowel cancer, so I'm trying to juggle my emotions.

Phew.
Feels good to have got all that out.

Welcome Alsoplayspiccolo I'm very sorry for your loss. And it must have been so awful to learn of your mother's diagnosis so soon after losing your sister Hats off to you for hanging in there while carrying so much weight on your shoulders . You sound like such a conscientious parent.

It's funny isn't it, I always expected that DC would be sympathetic and helpful when we are grieving or going through a health challenge (but in my dd's case anyway and reading other parents' accounts on here) they don't seem to be! In fact (although I feel disloyal writing this) they almost seem to sense when you are at your lowest and choose that moment to attack. I know it's probably a self protective mechanism for them, and most teens are not emotionally mature enough to handle their own feelings, never mind those of others, but do they have to make it worse?

Take care of yourself Alsoplayspiccolo. I can really sympathise over the sneering and the back chat and it is very wearing indeed. Do try and take some time out just for yourself if at all possible.

Waves to Billy and Xerox and everyone else.

Wishing all Po Ts a calm and stress- free weekend (if at all possible)! Oh and here is the 🔑 to the cupboard 😋.

You have a valid point @pegsinarow about them sending your low spots. I have a lifelong very annoying condition and I’ve stopped mentioning when I’m going through difficult periods as there is zero sympathy and indifference or increased hostility from my older DSCs. My ExH was the same. Thankfully my now DH is very supportive.

Oh and here’s to everyone enjoying the long weekend and having stress free half terms.

Hi @playspicolo sorry to hear of your family pain, I can relate! We lost a family member to a brain tumour in jan (plus cat got killed) and now my Dad also has bladder cancer in chemo. These life shockers don’t make for easy stress free life do they? Was told be school last night / email at 9:30pm that dd18 is ‘vulnerable’ - wtf! This has totally put me and DH in a spin. Want to help, don’t know what on earth the problem is. Feel very cut up today. Imploring her to gently share anything.

Thanks Pegs - and Cheers PoTs!

Went to the Dr's this morning and was prescribed AD's - I've been really reluctant to take them before now, but cannot cope any more with the feeling of being on constant alert for the next dramafest to kick off and the sleepless nights. Fingers crossed they will help.

Hope you manage to get your medication sorted too Tarrarra

Thanks for the book recommendation Tinkobell - I have ordered copy. DH, DD and I all have sleep problems so it should get well-read!

That's was a short respite you had Xeroxarama! - still, it's amazing how little it takes to restore our sense of wellbeing. If only our DC could understand we don't expect perfection, just give us a little bit of a break from their teenage-toddler tantrums and verbal abuse (cos they hate that they need us) now and again. Oh, and if they could stop and think occasionally before making completely idiotic poor choices too, that would be great! Too much to ask?

Pegs and Machinebee YY to teenagers spotting weakness and showing no mercy - sending hugs 🤗

Hugs to Alsoplayspiccolo too - so sorry for your loss and your DM's diagnosis It must be unbelievably difficult to cope with 2 teens and your own health condition on top of all that. Welcome to PoTs 🤗

Wishing everyone a (relatively) stress-free weekend

Hello piccolo! And Tink. How worrying of school to email you and not give details. I hope you can get something out of dd. I was wondering what others do about the abusive language some of our kids use at us. It really wears me down especially when it also feels misogynistic. I never thought I would tolerate this kind of thing but punishing isn’t working.

Sorry Tinkobell didn't see your last post (I must've been typing v v slowly). So sorry for your losses and DF's illness - sending hugs 🤗Hope you managed to get more details from school today or your DD can tell you what's going on with her - so worrying

Xeroxarama I hate the abusive language too. I think DD may (fingers crossed) have finally stopped calling me a cunt and a bitch, but only after me repeating over and over that I find it completely disrespectful, hurtful and unacceptable. I call her out in it every time, plus chat with her about it when she is calm. I think the chats in the calm moments are most effective actually. Good luck 🍀

@Staywithmemyblood.....thanks. Thank my lucky stars that I've not been on the end of verbal abuse like that, must be awful for you! I'd have thought the main thing would be never to degenerate yourself to their level in any way. I'm sure you're taking the right thing already. I know with my 2, The thing that they always dislike having thrown back at them is being accused of making brainless or stupid remarks - and cunt and bitch are such brainless comments to hurl at your own mother.
You could say "thanks very much for that. I will really try and work on being less of a cunt in future"...so they can hear, how ridiculous it actually sounds.
Today school kind of back pedalled and said they knew no more than me. So that's super duper. Spoke to DD and read her the school email. Asked her to consider sharing anything. But nothing. The Guy Meadows book is truly excellent. I've had a flick again tonight. But tbh the anxiety this whole situation is causing me is really really hard. I'm fearing it's a self harming situation actually, which breaks my heart. The whole thing breaks my heart. I really struggle with the fact that you can birth, nurture, love and laugh with your kid....then one day they just put up a wall and you're just expected to suddenly be all 'cool' with it. I don't want to know song and verse about DD's life, I just want to know she's ok. I feel simultaneously heartbroken and hurt. All this, with exams and cancer. Sorry folks, it's been a bad day. Xx

Do you know what. I'm sitting here in bed. I'm knackered. And I've had a blub tonight. But I think one of those moments of clarity has come to me. If I carry on like this, I'm going to be heading down the GP myself soon chomping a mouthful of tablets and still bloody worrying.......A few months back a friend of FB posted a surprise post along the lines that she was alone and has contemplated topping herself. Everybody replied saying "FGS! You call me now" etc etc. Anyway, I'm pleased to see that she's found some solace in walking, wildlife etc. That's what I'm going to do....get out with the dog on a walking club and try that. I'm still going to grovel to DD and plead....but they are by nature selfish and I'm not going to sleepwalk into having my life trashed. Off to eat a banana then sleeeeeep!

Oh Tinkobell I hope you got to sleep eventually. I'm sorry about your family member (and the cat - v important) and that your father is undergoing chemo. That's more than enough to cope with without being terrified for your teen as well !

Wtf indeed re: school e-mail! The school are really not helping are they? Presumably your DD is under 18 yrs? What are the rules about confidentiality? (I know there has been some controversy about this in the UK in relation to uni students struggling with their mh, missing lectures, dropping out and their parents being none the wiser because university's regard students as adults with a right to privacy. (Can see both sides of this.)

In the case of school students though - aside from abusive homes - aren't the school and the parents meant to work together as a team? I can understand that if your dd has requested confidentiality then they feel obliged to honour that, but they should be strongly encouraging her to speak to you. Also, if she is self-harming, are they not obliged to tell you? Does anyone on this thread know the rules about this?

The only other thought I had when reading your post was that our teens on here all challenge us in all sorts of different ways and a lot of those challenges centre around "control". To what extent we have it, and to what extent they can gain it. It's all a bit of a tussle at times (to put it mildly). So maybe your DD not confiding in you has a lot to do with that in addition to whatever the 'thing' is ... . And maybe that's a form of protest and rebellion too in itself, but it just manifests itself differently to swearing or drinking ifyswim. Of course, I could have that totally and utterly wrong so forgive me if I am talking through my hat again! But maybe she needs to keep this bit of herself away from you, for whatever reason, just for now, as part of her journey (sorry to use the 'j' word ) towards independence?

Anyway, walking in a group sounds like a great idea just to distract yourself from the worry which most be all-encompassing, as I suppose, given minimal information, your imagination goes in to overdrive. Great that you are taking some time out, for yourself!

Hurrah for supportive other halves Machinebee

Staywithmemyblood I hope the ADs work for you! Do you mind me asking for a progress report every so often? I am being offered them and am still too scared to take the plunge! Endlessly dithering about it!

Xerox can't help with bad language as DD doesn't use it. What I get (not all the time but in doses) is exquisitely crafted hatred and derision. And yes, the mysogyny (in relation to being a largely sahm). Bit gutting when one has made quite significant career sacrifices for the very person who is deriding you for doing just that, but there we are ... .

Dig deep Po Ts! Dig deep! X

Oh yes, forget to thank Staywithmemyblood for the extra gin supplies . Much needed and appreciated

Gah! Can't spell misogyny! And that should have read "forgot to thank"

Sorry to hear your other half isn’t recognising and valuing your contribution Pegs.

Thank you all so much for the wonderfully warm welcome. 😘
Tinkobell, I really believe walking has saved my sanity over the last 18 months or so. We've had a couple of dogs for years, so I've always done some walking but at the start of last year, I had put on a couple of stone and was feeling rubbish about myself, so I started the #walk1000miles challenge.
I managed 1100 miles, " boots on" last year, and have only missed one day this year, averaging 3 miles a day.
I don't always feel like doing it, but I'm always glad I did and I drag my teens out whenever possible, so it's win-win.

I hope you managed to sleep last night, and have an ok weekend.x