Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

@Tickling....I love the line & get the logic. But I know ours would say "exactly, you treat me the same now as you did when I was 10!" Grrrrr!

@Tinkobell - well the easy come back to that is ‘perhaps if you behaved with more maturity, then we’d respond accordingly!’

machinebee 🤣 cannot count the number af times I have said similar 😀.

Fudgecakes please don't beat yourself up for being a strict parent when your DD was younger. I have always been a lenient parent and my DD (14) sounds exactly like yours, and DH says it's because I was too soft! We just can't win! If you figure out a way to lessen the phone use without all hell breaking loose, let me know!

All these posts about being hated resonate so deeply. It’s so extreme! Just have to make a wall against it.

Ticking...yes exactly. The constant pressure and resentment from those you love...what's that all about? Like previously said....any other kind of relationship and you'd run a mile. That's why I desperately want to fix it cos I can't run away. I love my dd and want to be here for her...but it's so draining and I'm slowly going under. I feel cheated out of the loving mum/dd relationship I thought I'd have. So no choice but to forge ahead, tin hat on, and find a way through to about the year 2023 🙄

Ps thanks to all for your advice....and to tickling for the hug

May I ask about the hate/love thing?

Do you guys all feel 'secure' that deep down your teens love you and so when they come out the other side of teen-ness it will all be OK?

We adopted DD1 when she was 8, and I have never felt 100% secure. So I have absolutely no confidence that the damage that is being done will repair, but I don't know if 'all' parents feel the same irrespective of adoption iyswim?

Yes, I do believe dd will come out the other side and love me. Not sure about touching me though!

It's been 2.5 years since she was accepting of any kind of physical contact. Before that, she couldn't get enough of me! Cuddles in her bed, sharing my bed when dh was away and cuddling me with her head between my boobs

It's those facts that make me believe she will 'come back'. We used to be so, so close I dont believe it's all gone.

I have no idea about adoption but surely 8 is young enough to have experienced the closeness that will also mean she comes back to you too

Following

Hi @teentimes if I’m honest at its worst, no, deep down I didn’t feel secure, I don’t think dd2 particularly knew how to talk to me.

Having said that, we often watch the long lost family program and have often commented on how much happier and healthier the ones who were adopted look than the ones who the original family chose to keep for whatever reason. So I think it must be so hard raising a non biological teenager who whilst going through all the normal teenage angst are also questioning their own heritage or history, but I do think they will come through it stronger than ever. What you are doing is so important and I’m sure it will be appreciated when the brain has finished rewiring.

teenstimetwo
I totally get it. Fwiw i had a very close relationship with dd till teen years, cuddling, co-sleeping when dh was away, doing a lot together. During the teens, I thought it would never turn around and so while trying to survive the poison, I was also terrified of loosing her.
But it did work out, she became the adult loving daughter after all 😀.
I think that when the teen behavior wares of a little, you need to work at establishing your new relationship, if that makes sense.

I don’t feel confident that our rship will weather this, no. I haven’t had a chance to learn to love the new teen, and I can’t imagine him not hating me. That said, peace reigns here for once as I have backed off on all hw etc. Long may it last.

Can I ask as ultra stressed out Pot's have you ever had a bad parenting moment? I have had several where I've been pushed beyond the extremes of extremes....I'm talking bed refusal beyond 4am (when younger), hysteria and vileness beyond belief. So I've on occasion smacked, screeched in her face, physically pushed to keep her in room/bed ☹. Each time I really felt I'd lost it, came down from it quickly and been full of remorse....always apologised, lots of hugs and cuddles. 18 months ago I actually slapped her across the face and she was being so horrid. I'd say these red mist moments have bee about half dozen times.....I wonder if this has fuelled any resentment. She brings it up occasionally and she knows it plays on my emotions and that it makes me feel awful. I guess her behaviour could be part that part teenage angst and hormones. I hope she'll fully forgive me in time....if not then I've reaped what I've shown I guess 😔😔. Shame they throw moments like that back at you which add up to about 30 mins out of a lifetime of love, support and spoiling. Feel awful writing this down but it's been part of my journey

@fudgecakes they always forget the good parts. Don't beat yourself up too much just say to her some horrible thing she has done when she reduced you to have to do the slap. I know that is been child child but they have to learn that we have feelings too.
Example on Friday my 2 dds went to get hair done after school and I put my arm around dd2 coming down the street Dd1 went mad because it wasn't her but she had told me in morning not to be embarrassing her and when I gave her sister the attention she didn't like it so we are in a loose loose situation whatever we do is not right.

Thanks mcmen...yes...I need to try and forgive myself but it plays on my mind so much. I'll be honest....a few of the times I lost it was when as a little girl a night time phobia was getting out of control. She'd had some counselling but just wouldnt/couldn't apply the coping mechanisms. There were weeks, months and nearly 2 years of us trying to help her deal with it..... sitting with her, leaving her to cry and ignoring (which we were advised to do) we were trying all sorts of things. So we both were totally frazzled and on occasion we both lost it as we simply had run out if ideas and were exhausted. We had no life literally...it consumed our evenings and affected mine and DH's relationship badly. I was also struggling with I'll health at the time, in pain and my patience was rock bottom.

I can't shake the feeling that I let her down when she needed me. I worry that's partly why she hates me. Does anyone else feel in the same boat? Sorry to bang on....I had to write that down.

I feel your pain re your dd's mcmen....been there...can't do right for doing wrong.

Thanks all for reading. I feel much better for posting. Take care all xx

@fudge....we all look back from time to time and think "should've" "could've"....they can push parents to the brink. I think showing humility is important. I apologise to my two if I feel I'm in the wrong, but don't let them hold it against you indefinitely.

I worried with my DDs that they would remember the massive rows me and ExH had during their childhood. He was EA and had a lot of affairs before I finally found the strength to leave. We split when DDs were 17 &15. My DDs are now grown and can only remember a happy childhood. I can remember some awful things their DF did to them and me but they can’t.

@fudge please try not to dwell on past things too much. They can’t be changed and in all likelihood your DD has a very different recollection of it all to you.

Thanks to you both for your posts and for not judging me.

Yes Tink....showing humility is so important. I always did and hope she'll remember that as well as the bad bits! I always take comfort from the fact she knows she's loved so much. It's important to let that message shine through and not be lost amongst the crap....though sometimes it's so hard not to be resentful.

Machine....so sorry for what you went through. That must have been awful. It's heartening to hear that your dd's had that wash over them with no lasting effects. Thank you for sharing that with me x

Thanks for sharing today. I also feel guilty for all the times I’ve lost my temper. It’s impossible to be perfect all of the time. We are all humans and these kids sometimes push us to the extreme. I rarely lose my temper now. There’s nothing to be gained from it. Today I’ve been scammed and have my possessions stolen. No doubt to sell for weed. I’ve had to bring my work laptop and bag to bed with me in case he steals those. I’m at a loss.

Crikey @Makmaison, that's shit. Have you considered police? I don't know what to say - speechless. You can't have him just lifting stuff from your home, surely?! you must be beside yourself. Sending wishes. X

Oh Makmaison... how awful for you. Wow....that takes some strength to suck up. Like Tink suggests....do you need outside support with that? Hope you are ok x

Hope you are ok Malmaison X

Really great to hear your dd is benefiting from therapy Tinkobell

Machinebee so sorry you went through such an awful time . Our most often repeated line (usually in relation to tech) is "well once you can regulate it's use yourself, then we won't have to" rinse and repeat X 100

Fudgecakes There are four really bad parenting moments I remember and feel terrible about when I totally lost my temper with dd. Funnily enough, only one of those happened in her teen yrs. The rest was when she was going through a "really challenging" phase at 4 years old when she was"having problems with transitions" (and that's putting it mildly!) I feel quite tense just thinking back to that period tbh because she really pushed the limits.

Having said that though, those moments are not what I feel most guilty about. Overall I feel much worse for being too strict when she was young and for being overall too negative and shouty as a person, which I think came from my own anxiety more than anything else. I've definitely improved as a parent on that score I think but I wish I had known then, what I know now. But hey, hindsight is a wonderful thing! I found Staywithmemyblood's post to be very reassuring. Strict or not, sometimes we can't win!

Fudge it sounds to me like you were pushed to the limit and in those circumstances we do the best we can, we are not superhuman, and as others have said, amd as you have done, we can only apologise, learn, and move on. I'm glad you feel better for venting!

And yes - agree McMen71 - why do they always just remember the bad bits? Reminds me of taking DD to the zoo one time when she was tiny where she saw lions, elephants, giraffes, chimps etc. Asked about it at school the next day she remembered she had seen "a dead pigeon in a puddle"

As for Teentimestwo's question about whether I think my relationship with DD will emerge intact after going through teen-hood. I'm fairly confident it will tbh because even in the very very worst of periods now, when she is away, she will still come and sit on the end of my bed and chat late at night, or she will put her head on my shoulder/in my lap while we are watching TV or something (as though the warring bits are happening in a parallel universe ). But whether it will be exactly the same as before, who knows? It has definitely taken some severe knocks recently. I think I need to work on myself a bit more so I get out of this rather grey patch I am going through currently so I can view things more objectively. I feel too tangled up in it to judge properly right now. Teentimestwo is there any outside support available to adopters which enables you to explore this sort of thing? Can you speak to others in the same situation?

Waves to all! Things a bit tense here currently (exams ongoing). And I'm still feeling very flat. It's like I am distancing myself from engaging in anything too fully, post attrition, in case it all kicks off again... .

Sorry Makmaison autocorrect changed your NN there!

Gah. Not "when she is away" but when dh is away! Auto-correct over-zealous this morning!