Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Another vote for dog walking being sanity saving. We have two and walking them at our local nature reserve early each morning really helps my mental health.

I started having feelings of real anxiety last year, especially an impending doom feeling on waking but I think it relates to being peri-menopausal rather than being depressed. It comes and goes now. I think I would be better with HRT than ADs but that's a whole other thread! I try to do a (very slow) run three times a week and that has been another lifeline.

My daughter has been better behaved since her GCSEs actually started but I think the tension will build towards the end of half term.

Sorry for not coming back to thread but it has literally been a roller coaster here and I am exhausted. Lots of stress at school more course work with short deadlines etc etc. Letter in the post from school today about his maths and how he is not doing well. This is the first I have heard of it and am now encouraged to attend parents evening to talk it over. Year 10 parents evening is mid June (what a stupid time of year for their one and only parents evening).

One of schools tricks is to send letters home just as school holidays start. No one to speak to about the issue for over a week - and only four weeks away from end of term exams.

Am thinking of going down the tutor route but have been quoted £30 p/h so will need to look at this further as this is not affordable.

Tinkobell - walking the dog has literally saved my sanity and I also found a well being group for adults at the local forest school. No stress - just like minded people with emotional issues. It was ok not to be ok

@another £30 is about right but if you ask at the school they may be able to find an A level maths student to help for some pocket money

Alsoplayspiccolo have just Googled 1000 miles walking site! What a fabulous idea!

Anotherloverholeinyohead never feel you have to apologise for not popping back on here; everyone understands the challenges of the roller coaster!

Everything associated with teens costs a fortune doesn't it? Tutoring, phones, trainers, school trips, obscure sports equipment, and don't get me started on the orthodontist!

Machinebee Sorry - wasn't clear - it's not my other half who doesn't value my contribution, he is actually very supportive (but works long hrs, travels constantly). It is my teen who sees my life as a total failure . All her friends mother's have "stellar" careers apparently and to be (largely) an sahm in the 21st century is a "total embarrassment". [Not that I harp on to her about career sacrifices - that decision was made for the good of the family as a whole and there wasn't a lot of choice at the time as we lived abroad - but it's ironic that she is the one that complains about it the most, despite being (in numerous ways) the main benefactor! ]. And of course, she has hit the nail on the head because I am dissatisfied with what I have been able to achieve to date (currently looking for new challenges) so the arrow goes deep so to speak!

Vjg13 my anxiety has increased massively since menopause; wretched hormones! (Or lack of them!)

Waves to Billy and to everyone else!

Thanks for kind thoughts all. Got a few hours but has to go down as a bad'un. Tonight I'll crash. You can't stay on high alert for ever, just not possible. Dogs a gem actually; love her to bits - canine therapy! Thinking of signing her up with Pets As Therapy which is another nice thing to do which takes minds and focus of teens.
@Pegs your insight re: DD and control is spot on. DH and I are guilty of being controlling parents; actually we are hugely risk averse. We are trying really really hard to loosen the reigns with DD because we know it really frustrates her....we recognise it's important and we are genuinely trying to make changes to our styles. We have no reasons to distrust her, she's a very sensible 18YO that we're super proud of. She is also a very very emotionally reserved person and finds self expression difficult, so I really hope the therapist is helping her with that. It's so important to talk. Perhaps this privacy is something I have to respect, but I'm polar opposite - heart on sleeve type. So this reserve is hard to accept. I'm going to try grown up relaxed coffees with her next few weeks.
Re: menopause, I'm there too! Hormones all over the shop. Am trying menopace supplement to help a small apparently nutrition is a big thing that can help us.

@alsoplayspiccolo - amazing walking therapy! Wow! 1000 miles, awesome. I have 2 torn meniscus (another joy in life) so might have to notch down the distances a bit.

Thanks all.

I appreciate £30 p/h for a tutor is about average but it is three times what I make an hour so kind of hurts! And yes the orthodontist! Luckily we have only had to pay for one set of braces for ds2 as he didn't meet nhs criteria but couldn't leave him with uneven wonky teeth. And yes everything yo do with teens is many ££££££.

Peaceful afternoon here for me. Dp has taken both ds out so its just me and the dog :) hoping they are all still speaking to each other upon their return as I am in charge of the BBQ and snacks.

Wishing everyone a calm weekend/half term xxx

Image of late motherhood on this thread: sunken eyed, bloated psycho mum with 2 torn knee caps. Brill! 😂😂😂

Ach no Tinkobell, given the huge amounts of unconditional love that shines out from all the posts on here for our teens (hell, the Po Ts should win awards for caring and patience under extreme duress!) I imagine us all as stately women of wisdom, wandering around Billy's herb garden in long, purple robes, slightly lined of face maybe but robust and benign of expression (on a good day ). ! And yes, I am on the already

Cheers Po Ts!

.....was speaking for myself @pegs, nothing like a bit of self deprecation to lift the spirits! You sound way more elegant in your purple gown! Getting some serious duvet time in tonight. 😁🍷

Aye I know Tinkobell but no self-deprecation allowed on this thread, at least from now on! (Our teens put us down enough as it is!)

Serious duvet time sounds like an excellent idea ... !
Cheers and goodnight all!

Good morning all!

Just a quick one - dashing out - but I was thinking overnight why it is that we are all women on here (assuming I have that correct)? Yes it's Mumsnet, but given that (generally speaking) parenting a teen is the most difficult parenting you can do, you'd think that a few more blokes (or just one or two blokes!) would be on our thread?

Is it that men do not come in for as much teen rebellion as we do? (Doubt that is the case.). Or is it that men aren't as perturbed or anxious about their teens' behaviour? Or can they compartmentalise more?

It does seem that a lot of us women on here are very, very upset by their teens behaviour to the extent that we are anxious, depressed, suffering from physical stress symptoms such as migraine etc. Do fathers suffer to the same degree? If not, why not?

Have a good Sunday Po Ts!

I think the teens have probably been conditioned from quite early on to not get the same level of emotional support from the dads as the mums. Certainly with mine dad was good for getting the things I didn't let them (sweets from the machine after swimming etc) but if they were hurt or needing a hug it was always me they'd come to.

DH was once grumbling that he didn't like the way DD2 had spoken to him during a driving lesson ( I checked the dash cam and whilst her driving was questionable his reaction was ridiculous) My response was 'no shit Sherlock this is what I've been trying to tell you for the last year. He still didn't get it.

Hi Pegs. Sorry I got the details re support (or lack of it) for your SAHM status.

I was a SAHM for 12 years and no one in my family thought it was hard, or I’d made any sacrifices. If I said things were tough they always pointed to my ‘poor’ DSis who’d ‘had’ to go back to work. But I’m glad I did stay at home until they were both at secondary school, mainly because it shielded my DDs, I think, from the worst of my marital problems. However, when I did return to FT paid employment just before I turned 40, I was able to able to build a new career in a completely different field and whilst it was tricky making the transition, I’m so glad I did it.

My eldest DD has just had a baby and is now more understanding of how hard it is to be at home all the time and she’s only on an extended maternity leave. Also having a job has prevented me suddenly being expected to drop everything for her plus there have been a lot of comments about how difficult it’s going to be re childcare when she has to return to work. Definitely an implication/expectation that as a new DGM I should be putting my new DGD at the centre of my universe . I adore her but want to be a DGM not a childminder.

Hopefully in time, your DDs criticism of your decision will dissipate as she becomes an adult.

It does sound like you’d like to return at some point and if you are able, I would suggest you do. Not because of her comments but it would be something for you.

Good morning PoTs!

Tinkobell - thanks, love that comeback for the abusive language. I'll try that if when DD pipes up again Good for you re the walking group, that sounds very therapeutic. I actually dreamt last night I was on a long walk. Not sure if it's because I've been inspired by you, Pegs, piccolo, vjg13 and Anotherlover chatting about the benefits, or if it's some sort of metaphor for the long trudge through the PoTs years! Well, it's a start. Today, maybe I'll get off the couch and go for an actual walk!

I could've done with some serious duvet time last night, like Pegs and Tinkobell, but instead inadvertently ended up hosting a wee teenage gaff! DD had been invited to a party in a nearby village and asked if she could have a couple of friends back for a sleepover afterwards. This somehow snowballed into an additional 6 girls coming back with them at 9.30, plus 6 boys appearing just before 11pm I admit I was getting a bit more than nervous about it, but thankfully it was all good. No spewing, no crying, no fall outs - and they did all leave by midnight as I stipulated 😅

Are you going to continue with the counselling Pegs? It is easy to get bogged down with recounting what's been happening, but I suppose they need that in order to get to the strategy part. We're still getting to that though as more shit keeps happening which moves the goals posts again 🙄I'll pm you updates re the AD's. No difference yet, expect that'll take a few weeks, but at least no noticeable side effects either 👍🏻

Waves to everyone else and hope all with DC still sitting exams are hanging on in there

I think fathers in general (and it is a gross generalisation) are more able to compartmentalise. For my ex, he doesn’t seem to get half so stressed as me; and also I think as mothers our identity and aspirations are very tied up with being mothers. And when our children are in trouble we question our own identities and our own capabilities. For me, it makes me so sad that my DS is doing so badly at school. Is smoking weed and is seemingly so unhappy in our house. It makes me feel like a failure of a mother. I’m not sure it’s the same for his dad; he just treats it as a difficult patch that he will get through.

I think the men can compartmentalise issues way more and I don't think they take the verbal stuff nearly as personally. They also don't have the need to talk to others as us women do. I could never talk as candidly with many of my friends as I've been able to do on this thread. I'm afraid there's too much competition, appearances etc to be able to even begin to open up to many of my 'friends'. I fear bursting into tears in public (whelling up again now). It's made me question a lot of things in my life; where I live, who my friends really are etc. Anyway that's another can of worms.
@Fleet....shut up. You are NOT a failure, you're a bloody angel. Weed is a menace it really is. My Teens told me about 1 in 10 kids in Year 11 to 6th form has a serious weed habit. The boys seem more susceptible to weed, the girls to party drugs. The schools won't do much, because they'd have to acknowledge there's a problem, put skilled resource at it and are terrified of damaging their reputations. It's poor thing. Keep your boy safe as best you can and I think access specialist support. Don't blame yourself, there's nothing you could have done to stop him. If the drugs are freely available which they are and he's a risk taker.....perhaps in time he has to be tempted away by the vision of a better future for himself in some shape or form and ditch the drugs.

Welcome Alsoplayspiccolo sounds like a tough time for you with your dm’s diagnosis and the loss of your sister. Being a PoT as well is not easy! Keep gong with the walking if it helps and stay strong!

Pegsinarow and MachineBee I get what you are saying about them seeing you weak and not being sympathetic. I feel that I get a bit of an eye roll when I have to take myself to bed with a migraine (which isn’t often I have to say – I tend to plough through!) I think this is why the men don’t get so much flack . You are so right about the men being immune to the teen rebellion. I think it’s a bit like dogs who sense weakness and go for the alpha spot maybe?

Tinkobell odd email from school. Not really helpful to say things without saying why. It just adds to worry. Hope you get to the bottom of it. I hope that the walking helps, I’ve been for a run today which cleared some dark thoughts! vjg13 I think it helps with the menopausal stuff too, but I also highly rate hrt!

Staywithmemyblood hope the ads kick in soon and help. They take time and may feel weird to start with. Stick with it. I was on them for PND and the first few weeks were tough but they helped after that.

Xeroxarama foul language gets ignored for the most part here. Though on a bad day I smile and repeat back “yes I will fucking fuck off, right a fucking way!” with a cheery grin…. I like your response too though Tinkobell.

Anotherloverholeinyohead we also had the conduct and support letter just before half term! What a crock… We did have a tutor for a while that helped, but at £30 ph it was a stretch but worth it short term.

Fleetheart you are not a failure. REPEAT this several times. I strongly believe that weed is at the crux of ds’s mh issues though he struggles to accept this.

DS is, as of today off the ads. Who knows how this will pan out but the last couple of days have been very up and down. My new migraine meds make me feel a bit spacey which isn’t altogether a bad thing. I did however read the leaflet again and discover that I cannot drink AT ALL on them which IS a bad thing… No migraine this weekend though so swings and roundabouts!!! Not sure that they are going to be good long term and will speak to the Dr next week.

Half term which is a hooray as we all get a bit of a break which we all need.

Keep going PoTs - you've got this... xxx

I think as mothers our identity and aspirations are very tied up with being mothers. And when our children are in trouble we question our own identities and our own capabilities
^^100% this @Fleetheart

DH does find it far easier than me to compartmentalise and he doesn’t beat himself up over DD’s behaviour the way I do. He tends to get very frustrated by DD’s behaviour and choices, but when her words and actions hurt him, he retreats into his man cave mentally, and avoids DD as much as he can for a few days. It’s his coping mechanism, but drives me insane as I’m left to deal with her alone 🙄 Luckily my tin hat and additional padding (body armour, derived from dedicated cake, chocolate and biscuit scoffing!) and escape vent to the PoTs thread are keeping me safe and sane. I agree Tinkobell that it is impossible to be as candid with friends IRL. Thank you all

Love the No shit Sherlock response to your DH Billy

@staywithmemyblood - you should be feeling very ‘puffed up’ after hosting the teens bash last night, you are clearly a very cool mum 😀 I’d be seriously flattered if any of them wanted to cross our threshold on a whim! You’re in with the kids!

Thank you folks for your kind words. I agree that drugs seem to be such a scourge now. And you’re right Tinkobell, my DS is a risk taker - for him the excitement of the whole illicit part of drugs seems to be as enticing as the actually getting high. I have contacted the local drugs for teens group; they are sending someone to talk to DS - but really he doesn’t think he has any problem so it will be interesting to see how that goes. It is hard seeing them develop into something we really don’t know how to deal with. I found lots of pictures of when he was younger earlier on; it really made me sad. But I guess he is still in there somewhere. For me, these teen years have already been much harder than all the preceding years put together!

Not sure that’s a good thing Tinkobell. I do like to meet DD’s friends and make them feel welcome as I like to know who she’s with and what she’s up to, but definitely don’t want the reputation as the local party joint! 😱 😂 I think I’ll resign my short-lived ‘cool mum’ status and go back to my socks and sandals embarrassing mum comfort zone now

Thanks Tarrarra - yes, I’m really hoping the AD’s help so I’m going to stick with them as I can’t bear the constant state of anxiety and dread I’ve felt lately. Fingers crossed

@Fleetheart ....of course he doesn't think he's got a problem with weed, because its you (mum) telling him and it's well known to teens that mums know sweet Fanny Adams about life in general. 😁
Great that you've got someone talking to him.....he might actually be shocked when it does dawn on him how much he's missed out on. That's when he'll need support. I've been doing a lot of old photo gazing recently too. I wish I could turn back the clock to a time when life was simpler and was walks in the parks, feeding ducks and boiled eggs; but it's not. I spent years when my kids were small wishing for a little more personal freedom and now their older I find myself really wanting to have that old closeness back again. It's very hard. It's a major lifestage transition for us and them.

Good morning PoTs!

The following is not a boast, and please don't think I'm being smug in any way, but my lovely DD showed a glimpse of her true self last night, and I just wanted to share as reminder to us all that underneath all the teen BS they are still, deep down, the fantastic people we've raised them to be, and they do appreciate us even though they hide it so well most of the time:

1am: DD comes through to ask if she can sleep in with me
Me: mmm-hmm (1am for yes)
DD: Mum??
Me: mmm-hmm? ( still not articulate, but heart rate increasing in anticipation of the usual late night teen angst)
DD: Thank you for always being so nice to me
Me: mmm - you're welcome, pet (eyes open wide in shock!)
DD: You're a really kind person
Me: Aww, thanks. Love you sweetheart (close eyes again as I must have something in them, they've gone a bit watery)
DD: love you too mum. Goodnight

Now, the Dr did warn me I might have very vivid dreams cos of the AD's, but I'm fairly certain this did happen (DD was in my bed when I woke up this morning). So even though she was in a helluva mood all day yesterday, and has given us far more downs than ups the last couple of years, and called me all the names under the sun, I'm so hopeful for the future now. Doesn't take much, just a bit of bright light in the (literal) middle of a long, dark teenage night. Ffs - listen to me, I'll be all #so blessed next!

Keep holding the rope PoTs - we will get through this!

Morning everyone, just popped on to wish you all a peaceful bank holiday for those of us not at work etc.

My project for today is to get ds out to a local garden centre to buy grow bags etc to plant tomatoes...finally using my little green house that has been empty since we moved here in 2011.

Staywithme I'm with you that's it"s good to host meet ups (gaffs? Im not up with these things!) it may be a risk of having teenagers throwing up on the carpet or worse but they're socialising!