Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

I don't know Xerox I'm evidently no expert - often floundering myself - and I don't know what you have already tried. If the usual things like talking to him (not criticising his friends but their behaviour, your worries about what he is doing) setting boundaries and consequences, taking phone away/turning off WiFi, restricting money etc, haven't worked, I suppose I was thinking about almost bribing him away by offering enjoyable distractions? Is there anything he enjoys like heights (climbing) or fast cars? Could you lure him away to the climbing wall, go cart track, parcour or kick boxing class class? Something that replaces the excitement and transgressive aspect of taking weed etc I suppose. I dunno, as he's a young teen, I wondered if he might be still susceptible to bribery I guess?

Hi everyone

I've not posted for a while. I hope you are all having as restful a weekend as possible.

Tinkobel I very much sympathise re your dd. I hope the counselling works, and I agreee it is so frustrating that we are unable to 'fix' them. Is she having CBT?.

Xerox it's hard to distract them, my ds automatically rejects anything I suggest, I am trying to think of ways round it. He has agreed to go birdwatching with a family friend next week, so that is a start. We've mentioned Young Minds before - they support parents, I had a call from a Psychotherapist a while ago and she spoke to me for quite a long time, could be an option. Can make a referral online.

I had a bad day at work and a colleague caught me coming out of the loo a bit tearful, I was OK, just had a moment and was on a boring job and my thoughts wandered a bit, didn't want to attract attention.

My ds has good days and bad days, but is still unhappy most of the time. He has struggled really since he was a little boy at times. Tiny bits of improvement here and there as other evening he went out for a short run, I suppose I am impatient and want him to try different things I suggest.

Then I messed things up blurted out in the car we can't carry on like this with him being really unhappy...he just closed the conversation down really. I am thinking of contacting Young Minds again some advice on how to approach him would be welcome.

Yes distracting can be just impossible- mine likes nothing it seems and if he did he wouldn’t admit it to us. Wearing!

Lightandairy I'm sure you didn't mess things up; even though he shut down, he knows you care and that you are rooting for him.

I apologise wholeheartedly Xerox for speaking through my hat. I should know better than to suggest "can you try X or y?" when it is often far more complicated that.

Thank you Pegs I think we are all quite self critical at times, also desperate to help. How are you doing?

Xero would your ds go out for a day with you somewhere? Does he have any friends who aren't part of that group?

Hi Fleetheart, that's how I feel too. My son thinks I'm a prude about weed and trys to rationalise everything about it.
He's just walked out of the house again, even tho he's meant to be grounded plus he quit his job tonight and text his boss and told him cause I keep tabs on his money he's not working anymore!
There is no punishments or discipline that I can carry out cause he does his own thing no matter what.

@Xerox my ds started at 13 and two years later still into it.

I'm doing ok Lightandairy thank you for asking. A bit flat and still fighting virus but nothing too bad! DD is in a good phase atm thankfully. She seems generally a lot more confident in herself and less spiky. I don't know whether, thanks to this thread, it's because I am getting less riled and I'm trying to listen to the emotion behind the harsh words more than the words themselves, or it's because she has matured a bit naturally, probably a combination of both I think.

Hope I haven't jinxed it all by typing that [gulp]

Waves to Trishababyblue18 and to everyone else. Hope all Po Ts are having as peaceful and a stress-free Sunday as possible!

Hi all posters hope everything bit better for everyone as it is for me.
Found out today why dd1s(15) bf doesnt want to meet me. He was to come up yest eve told her in morn when she left him he was looking forward to it. He never showed and no text until today he said he was so sorry and opened up that he has anxiety which i think was a big step for him to admit it to her. So i think thats my cue to back off with the pressure of meeting him. I advised my dd to tell him she is there for him if he wants to talk about it or to tell his dad he lives with him and his brother lives with their mum so he has a bit of a hard life trying to juggle between mum and dad. I told her would be here for him too if he wanted any help as I have anxiety myself on medication I totally understand how he feels. I also told her not to be discussing it with her friends to keep it to herself.
Has anyone any other advice.
hes also 15

Just popping on to say hi to everyone, there are some very hard posts on here for some with weed smoking and my heart goes out to you all.

We have had actually a lovely few weeks while DD1 was home studying for her finals and has now gone, she has a job in another county and won't be back to live here again, it feels weird. DD2 is still very tired but still no major anxiety attacks with exams. UAS (unofficially adopted son) has finished his first year of uni and looks on for a good end of year grade. Its been peaceful and lovely and very unusual, there has been such turmoil for so long. I can't thank you guys enough for helping me get the last few years into perspective.

@Mcmen, I do understand that but its still so hard for you, you are trusting him with your DD I still think that even if he won't do a formal meet at your place he should make some effort to say hi when you pick up etc. You are such a good mum, DD is lucky to have you.

Can I join this thread guys? I need support/ direction!
My ds is 18 and has always been our chilled funny younger son. A delight tbh.
He is a naturally lazy kid very bright and flew through his GCSEs without much effort at all. He chose to go to a high achievers 6th form college and then the descent began.
Depression arose last year getting worse by Christmas and he dropped out of college in March. He would have been doing his A levels now. At Christmas he was suicidal he said and self harmed.

He lies in bed has no effort or motivation at all. He’s been on meds since Christmas and sees a counsellor which we are not party to information from as he is 18. He still sees his pals and socialises.

He lies about applying for jobs, I lined up 2 weeks work experience and he didn’t go the last 2 days as it was a waste of time apparently!

We are lost with him. Not sure what to do. Is he depressed or lazy or both? Is he avoiding the big world?

His pals will all be off to uni come autumn... He thinks we just nag him.
We have stopped giving him any money at all in the hope that will be the motivator.

We know he has smoked weed not sure if he still is.

It’s the lies and no trust now. I’m so anxious and worry about him all the time.

We are a normal family both work and ds1 got his degree and has worked hard to get a great job.
Frankly we don’t know what to do with him.

Hi @benjii it’s such a difficult age.

First of all loads of hugs as this is such a tough time for them and by default you.

His pals going to uni may be the trigger he needs. See if you can find some local colleges where he can finish his courses as he clearly has the brain for it.

In the mean time go slowly, his mental health is the most important thing. Good luck

Just want to say hi! Currently have a 13 year old girl who is certainly testing me! Look forward to reading all the posts to get some advice or just realise it's quite normal and I'm not alone 😂

Morning Po Ts!

Welcome, you are definitely not alone Lillyrose!

Welcome Benji Sorry things are such tough going currently .

Billy it must be such a strange feeling when they finally leave!

McMen glad you have an explanation for disappearing bf! Hopefully he will be able to say a quick "hello" given time, especially as you have been so understanding!

Spoke a bit too soon yesterday as DD came home from a friend's house in a right gloom over the weekend. (Although I've realized she always comes home in a gloom and dissatisfied with life from this particular friend "who has everything" ifyswim.)

She was full of "what's the point, all I do is study so I can get to university, which is more study, so I can get a nine to five job, then what? etc etc." I tried pointing out all the enjoyable stuff that goes alongside all of those things - and pointed out all the access she has to interesting hobbies and activities here but she's not convinced , won't put the effort in, and feels sorry for herself. It probably didn't help when I got a bit impatient with her and told her how bloody lucky she is and showed her a picture in the paper of refugees living in tents. .

Hope everyone has a good week! And good luck to all teens still sitting exams!

Haha @pegs I love those conversations where nothing you say is the right thing🙄 is she old enough for a crappy minimum wage job yet that certainly puts it into perspective for them?

That's part of the problem Billy exactly that. To be fair to her, she wants to work, but she's not sixteen until this summer so pretty impossible to find anything. I've suggested volunteering but everything I suggest is impossible or unthinkable for some reason.

Sorry for ranting on. It's not the most testing of issues in the scheme of things. DD with a strop on in the morning is something to behold though. Even the dogs go and hide

Hi. Have been following thus thread with interest as I too have a toxic teen dd nearly 14.

We have a bad relationship....she says she's like she is because of me....I'm like I am because of her....so it's stalemate .

You name it...I'm it! Annoying, nagging, weird, over protective, boring, insignificant, wet (she frequently has me in tears)...I've even had ugly. She says I make her feel so awful and she can sometimes be very dramatic intimating I make her life not worth living .

She's plain obnoxious and entitled the majority of the time. She's rude, vile, doesn't listen, goes off on one if she doesn't get her way....basically doesn't give a toss about anyone but herself. Si i do get cross, am prone to shouting as I'm so frustrated..that gets met with shouting back and fireworks all around... doesn't work but gets it out if m6 system a bit! If I stay calm and point out her shortcomings in a controlled way I get accused of assuming I think I'm so 'cool' and 'clever...can't win.

It's hard feeling so hated. I'm struggling as I was bullied badly as a child. It sounds pathetic but I almost feel bullied all over again with the hurtful comments and I have that familiar feeling of trying to please and make friends only to gave it all thrown back in my face...I'm feeling that rejection all over again....from my own dd it's awful.

Sometimes I think it's my fault she's like this with me.. she's always been a handful and I've always been a bit strict with her....maybe she resents me. She told my MIL she finds me hard to get on with .

I wish I could connect with her...I can't get near. I get the occasional heartfelt I love you.. but Jeez, the crap in between!!

She's also glued to her phone EVERY WAKING MINUTE.. this worries us greatly....she hates having it removed and I don't want to make her hate me more but we are going to have to intervene. If you remove it she literally doesn't know what to d9vwuth he4self....it's an addiction.

Just had to write that down...i know my story isn't as awful as some....good luck to everyone xx

hi @fusgecakes

I can completely relate to everything you say here. And it is being in an abusive relationship, if you posted this about a partner you’d have a massive chorus of LTB from the man collective but this is someone you love and have to be there for.

Are you at a point where you can leave her in the house yet. When it gets like that I would sometimes go for a drive or a walk. Getting a dog was the best thing partly because there was someone in the house that actually liked me and partly because I could say what I want in my head to dd when I was walking the dog and it got it out of my system a bit.

You need to practice the phrase ‘please don’t speak to me like that’ and walk away. However hard it is do not engage when she’s like that.

Also I agree with you re phone. If you can in a Moment of calm try and agree some phone free time each day. Maybe come up with an alternative activity at the time or insist it is left out of the bedroom at night.

Good luck

Oh Fudgecakes I could have written your post! I was definitely too strict with DD as a child and I think she may subconsciously resent me for it. I try not to be too hard on on myself about it because it was the kind of upbringing I had had myself, and I thought that was what you had to do to be a "proper parent". (It would have been far easier to be less strict tbh; so it wasn't for lack of effort!) It's only in the past few years that I've come to properly realise that the underlying relationship is far more important than any rules. But there we are. It is what it is. And funnily enough, when Dd went to see an ed psych a while back (exam stresss) she told them that she didn't see us as particularly strict parents; so your DD may not perceive her upbringing in the same way that you do Fudgecake. The backchat may come from a different place entirely!

What you said about bullying really struck me too! I'd never thought of it like that before! I was badly bullied at school - and it is similar to that feeling of having former friends turn on you - just horrible.

And please please don't apologise for venting because you think your issues with your DD are less serious than others on here. We all have our different challenges and we can all benefit from one anothers' experiences.

Billy thank heavens for dogs eh? They are such great confidantes. Think we need a resident therapy dog on the thread! Something like a huge calm sedate St Bernard?

Just catching up. We've a GCSE in a couple of hours then god knows what. DD therapy appears to have had a good impact, talking and engaging more and looks brighter and happier in the face.....but we don't talk about 'it' whatever 'it' is ....god no!
@Benjii - what a sad tale. You poor thing. Look here's a couple of ideas which might think are crap but are offered in hope. Have you thought about just getting your DS bloods tested? GP Nurse should do it, test thyroid function, vitamins all that stuff. My DD's doing this as we got called into school, looked wrecked, glassy skin, knackered etc. Might be worth ruling out anything obvious. He sounds bright but off the rails. What about some of the charities for a year, National Trust volunteering, Princes Trust, working at Neilson for the summer, something to give him a renewed purpose and goal? Just random thoughts. 💐 For you

@Fudgecakes ...yes my DS16 is a tech addict. But he does recognise this. We limit use big time for his own good. Not easy major tiffs. Both my too can act over entitled and assuming. I hate it. I'm from a pretty humble upbringing, they're not. I get them things - always small considered things and they're often just left slung on the floor....for weeks sometimes. Then it struck me that I am in the wrong on this not them. I am inundating them with stuff they never asked for and don't want. So I'm picking it up, hanging on to things for a few days, if no questions asked, I'm removing and getting refunds / money back.

Not my best parenting, but when my dd was at her worst i told her 'it is not us who have changed you know? It's you'. She was dumpfounded, but reflected on it. Now she totally gets it. Perhaps in a quiet moment you can make your teens reflect a little?

Yes to the bullying, the effect of it has stayed with me far longer than the teen years.

Hi all. Thanks for your great responses. Billy....yes...she's fine to be left. In fact she never wants to go anywhere with us which is a shame. We've always has a few hrs in the local family friendly pub on Sat evening's which she used to love....stopped coming 18 months ago so we use that time to chat tactics out if her earshot. We have a dog who DH walks as I have a bad back...I shoukdvtag along more often. I'll deffo try the "don't speak to me like that" tactic and walk away...I need to distance myself do not won't disintegrate into fireworks...that's such good advice thank you. I can also keep throwing sarcastic comments and have this childish urge for the last word .. I need to keep a lid on that too.

Pegs...thanks for this thread. Sorry so much if my post resonates with you. You too must be a sensitive soul? I wish I was less so. I wish I could forget past hurts....I know is be stronger to better deal with this if I could. It's hard isn't it?

Think....yes. Phone needs sorting. We intend to do something drastic soon....she'll have to start taking her studies more serious soon so less screen time. I'm sure it's feeding her moods and entitled attitude. All the "look what I've got/where I've been/what I've done posts don't help . Xx

So many typos...sorry. I can't type very well on phone!!

Tickling....not bad parenting at all. You just told it ad it was....n harm in that. I've tried similar but it's met with scorn....she seesherself as perfect so problem can the her....it's always me. I sometimes feel I'm going mad and actually start believing it's me!!

That said.. my MIL did confide in me that she said "she knows she's difficult and thinks she'll grow out if it"....So she must have reflected....but I don't get any remorseful confessions. I've had the odd sorry.. ...but nothing changes. Thanks for your post x

Fudgecake, the sincere reflecting and remorse come much later, if any, not during.

Still my dd, who is now very sensible, can't remember a lot of it.

It is the constant pressure and resentment from those you love, that gets to you. Try to not engage as much, remove yourself from the situation.

Hugs, think you need it 😀.