Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Thank you - I have tears of relief in my eyes!

Food - He was referred to CAHMS when he was around 10 yrs but wouldn't engage (wouldn't go to be honest) and we have tried to help him ourselves with the assistance of the school nurse. It would be easier if I told you what he does eat rather than what he doesn't. His daily food is... marmite on toast for breakfast, marmite and cheese wrap, crisps and wafer for lunch. Then dinner will be something like chicken nuggets - which he cooks because he can't bear the thought of them "steaming" on the plate and going soggy on the bottom. He eats this day in day out. If we don't have any marmite in the house he will simply skip that meal until there is marmite. He will not entertain anything else in a sandwich. He is not able to put his mouth around a fork to take the food off and bites the food off of his fork. Same with drinks. He has a straw as he cannot/will not put his mouth on the glass. I can honestly say we have tried everything to get him to eat different food. I have said that one day he would be on that show Freaky Eaters. He will not eat red meat (or chicken that is not in a safe form ie chicken nuggets), veg, cereal, fruit. He doesn't eat things you would think a child/teen would go for jaffa cake, sponge, nutella etc instead he would rather put some cream crackers in a tortila wrap and eat it. Eating out for us as a family is just a non starter. Well, we did once go to a chain carvery place and had to ask permission for him to have Heinz tomato soup and a roll (which was one of their starters) whilst the rest of us had a roast.

I do try every single day

@anotherlover. Hope you’re ok, it sounds so hard. I think with the eating you need to try the gp again. As you said it’s what he feels he can control and everything else is clearly overwhelming.

I do feel for you both 💐

Can I join please. My soul is almost completely destroyed. My 17 year old is making my life a living hell. He dropped out if college and does nothing but lie in bed all day and smoke weed the rest of the time. He’s caused so much damage in my house I’m paying for things to be fixed every month from my wages. His behaviour is vile and there is absolutely no way of getting through to him. He has no respect for me and I’m pretty sure he is pushing me so that I will kick him out. He’s on self destruct. I feel so alone. It’s just me and him. I do not know what to do. I’m guessing there are no answers but any advice will be gratefully received.

Welcome to the thread Makmaison Plominoagain and
Anotherloverholeinyohead your distress really comes through your posts. I'm sorry you are going through such immense strain. I have to run my DD to tutoring now but I just wanted to say you are not alone.

Hi MakMaison have you had any support from agencies such as CAMHS? They are something of a lottery depending on where you live, but can provide some support if you are lucky. Failing that, your GP may be able to refer you somewhere, maybe social services?

@Anotherlover....my goodness what a struggle you've got there. I'm no expert but to me this smacks of a sensorial type thing - hypersensitivity maybe. Is he or has he been picky over stuff like clothing labels, loud noises ( cheering at swimming galas) - anything like that? I ask the question because he's at an age now whereby rather than try and battle with him against this, could he start to try and understand how he is why he is? Maybe by taking that approach he could start to push a few of his own boundaries - if he so desires it. I'm just thinking out loud here.......

@Makmaison.....poor you and actually poor him - he sounds so disillusioned. Is a job out of the question? What about something simple and outdoorsy to start with - a garden centre or something outside. Where's the money coming from for weed? This is not to interrogate you, you sound at your wits end. 💐

Hi @makmaison that does sound so hard and I can’t imagine being in a position that possibly the only option is to evict a dc but if he’s refusing to engage and actually destroying your property you may need to offer an ultimatum.

I’m so sorry I don’t have any better thoughts. You’re also at that annoying point where child services stop and adult services take over and it just doesn’t work it completely breaks down.

@makmaison, that does sound terrible. I sympathise. My DS is 15, he is smoking a lot of weed. It is so destructive but I can’t really persuade him not to. I can’t seem to get any outside help either. No one seems to take it that seriously including Camhs.

Thank you all. I’ve tried all agencies and they’ve been pretty good but he won’t engage. I won’t throw him out. I keep reading over the story someone posted earlier. I think I just need to hold on in there and don’t give up on him. Goodness knows how he’s always got weed. I give him some money but not lots. I think him and his mates chip in. I’m moving away. He’s really upset about it but I’ve got to try. Just in case it makes a difference. He’s hanging out with all the wrong people.

Big hugs to all.

How do you cope/react when vile things being said? If anybody spoke to me the way DS does I would never see them again. Ultimate insult tonight as well as being strict/awful mum we are now poor too. I go to bed in tears yet again.

You are not alone mrsblondie. They don’t mean it. Mine tells me often that nobody loves me and that he can’t wait until I’m dead so he can have his inheritance 😆. I’ve got to laugh. I also regularly cry. I hope you get a good night sleep and tomorrow is a better day.

Thanks @makmaison.
I just went in and said "love you lots" to him. No answer but he heard.

I think that’s the only way to do it. Mine wanted me dead earlier but tonight I got a hug. They really don’t mean it. They just want to hurt us to express their own difficult emotions. I’m no expert of course. Night mrsblondie. You’re a lovely mum.

Just a message of support for plominoagain - it all sounds very familiar. I have spent the last two years with DS (16) in a constant state of worry about school. Phone calls, meetings, one exclusion, isolations, detentions (often not attended), being on report, school refusal, messages on the dreaded 'Class Charts'..... Just would not accept authority, labelled as defiant. I looked at other schools but he was so far behind it would have meant him going back a year. I honestly thought he was going to be permanently excluded before he got to the end of Y11. This week however he has started his GCSEs and we only have to get to 14th June and it will all be over! He has refused to go into school to revise or accept any extra help, so I really don't know how he will do.

All you can do is hang on in there and tick the days off the calendar. (That's what I'm doing! )
Good luck

Thank you . She managed to get herself excluded for five days today , for her behaviour again , and then disappeared after school and turned her phone off . So I took the youngest DS to the beach and out for a chip supper , which has now annoyed her . If she’d come home , she could have come with us , but if she persists , then she’s missing out . I’m not going to be treading on eggshells anymore .

Makmaison and Fleetheart so sorry to hear about your DS. Mine also has been using weed - we have found it in his room so are sure. It's very common and freely available which I find really upsetting as it normalises it. I'm convinced it's caused his downward spiral at school, lack of motivation and low moods. He has refused any help, support and won't admit he has a problem. I have spoken to the GP and referred him to a teenage counselling service - they phoned him but he refused to take the call - nothing I could do about it
One thing I found quite helpful was the Talk to Frank helpline. I had a long chat with a counsellor about the situation. She gave me some ideas about how to approach him to talk about it and it helped me just to talk to someone who understood...

Good morning all. So many new posts! And if I may say, very representative of the necessity to "hang on to the rope". Phrases like "Mine wanted me dead earlier but tonight I got a hug" very much resonate! I really feel for you all! It's not easy to keep strong in the face of constant put downs

Sorry to be largely absent from the thread yesterday but I was working and then dd had a bit of an exam meltdown. She seems ok this morning though.

Plominoagain well done for not treading on eggshells and for holding the line

Cccc123 lovely post. Please don't worry, everyone here can definitely relate!

MrsBlondie I hope you got some sleep last night.

Makmaison fwiw I would move away too if it meant removing my child from bad influences. I know someone who moved countries actually and it turned their son's life around completely.

Midlifemumofteens that's really good to hear about FRANK because a pp poster (on first thread) didn't have such a great experience with them.

Notontopofthings so glad new meds seem to be starting to make a difference for your ds

Anotherloverholeinyohead its like we are the enemy but we are the ones trying to help him! oh yes I so identify with this (also with the piggy in the middle situation). It's so hugely frustrating.

Food issues are massively, massively worrying for a parent. (I have a little experience in this as dd is borderline underweight; she is exactly like vjg13's dd.) As Tinkobell says "They know they've got you by the short and curlies with food, they really do." Ain't that the truth. But her advice "Provide it, take compliments and then walk away" is pure gold I think.

Speaking of great advice there are some more nuggets from Ticklingcheese there in her post of 14-May-19 12:04.

It's interesting that the same things that often trouble toddlers such as food, sleep and school refusal, trouble teens as well. I wonder if the hormones that govern brain plasticity also make a person feel so out of control that they strive for the opposite? Who knows?

Waves to all Po Ts! Hang in there and keep venting here.

As Billy so rightly said, they really have no concept of the grand scheme of things do they?

Good morning all. Another phone call home last night about DS attitude in class....I may as well record myself saying "he is having problems outside of the classroom which are filtering into his work and attitude inside of the classroom. We are working on this so if you could work with us it would be most appreciated". The last thing I want to sound like is a mum who can see her son do no wrong. His behaviour is not acceptable - but I wish they would understand that sometimes there is a bigger picture.

I do think DS has some sensory issues with food and he definately has some habits which are a form of OCD. I'm not sure if he will go to the gp again as last time we went the gp wanted him to be weighed and measured. Fine. Was asked to go along on specific date and time. Fine. When we got there it turned out to be the baby weigh in clinic so we waited in line with them. When we got out he burst into tears and said never again. I got to agree with him, if I had known they were going to send him there I would never have taken him. This is the appointment that lead onto to the school nurse and her involvement.

I do provide the food (there are never any compliments - he eats as a necessity not a pleasure - he still eats from a sandwich plate not a dinner plate) he has said before if he could take a pill as a substitute for food he would.

I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who posts. Just knowing that there is someone out there who is going through similar or just being there to listen is amazing.

I will be back later - must go to work now :(

Morning all, and hi to all the newbies. Sorry you are here ❤️

Just to say when ds was depressed, he had no appetite, and we/he love food. When it started to lift eating was normal.

anotherlover both ds and I have ocd traits, it can be debilitating. My ds was helped greatly by cognitive therapy (sorry pegs, your eye story was scary and Hilarious). Sorry about the doctor visit, it was probably the most insensitive thing they could do. But you need help, could you talk to them before hand, ask them to come to you or simply demand/ask for a referral?

Wishing you a peaceful day.

DD1 has survived first 2 days of new job OK.

So now DD2 has gone into a bit of 'shutdown' mode, following something taught at school that triggered her (she's adopted). At least I think that's the reason. It is very hard to tell the difference between uncooperative due to grumpy teen, and uncooperative due to emotions too big for her to handle. One needs firm handling and consequences, the other needs time and understanding.

Thanks for the new thread

I can relate to the school stuff. I'm current on tenterhooks as dd is going to get given a 'sanction' today for being rude to the teacher. She has said if she gets another isolation she is going to walk out of school. And I believe her.

The thing is, the reason is because her and a friend went into the toilets together. A teacher followed and questioned them, saying it was weird and they shouldn't be together . It is a 'safe guarding' issue apparently and the teacher was totally right to follow them - so school told me. I genuinely thought teenage girls always go to the loo together! Obviously dd got aggrieved, became surly and, well, you can imagine the rest.

Mountain out of a molehill imo. It's very difficult to support the school when you don't agree with their stance. Yes, she should not have been rude but strip it right back to the beginning...

Tx2- I completely get it. I often struggle to know the difference between normal teen stuff and 'deeper' reasons for the attitude.

I have always tried to see the teens point of view though and don't always agree that adults/school automatically know best. Hence worrying that I'm 'that mum' in situations like my post above.

pasanda how did your dd get on at school did she get a sanction
I think school are sometimes to strict
My dd had bother at school last class today. So ill prob be getting phone call tomorrow. She tried to break up a fight and some girls said it was her that was fighting and was bullying a younger girl. We always like to believe our own. It was the girl who assaulted her in feb and her friend that where accusing my dd so im hoping it just between them and no phone calls.

I went back to doctor today with my own mental health my blood pressure still high even though im on tablet for 2 months. And she doubled my anxiety dose. She said shed speak the next day about hrt does this help with early menopause night sweats an odd hot flush.

Please can I suggest you look at the mnh thread

'We are merging some sections...'

And 'please ask mn not to move us'

About moving teen section.