Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

@Anotherlover.....did he suffer with reflux or choking or oral pain issues as a baby?. I just wonder because to me his behaviour sounds not only OCD but also post traumatic and the pill substitute comment says a lot. He's fearful. Since he's freaked out at the GP, I just wonder if you could go visit a nutritionist on your own and talk his condition through, I'm sure a nutrionist will understand what's going on here and be able to advise a way forward.
One idea I've got is to slowly diversify but using his limited ingredient list. So for example marmite (there's a low salt one now - blue cap, tastes the same) - try tossing roast potatoes in oil and marmite (pre-roasting) - they're delicious. Nigella does a marmite spaghetti - it's pasta with marmite and cheese.
Personally I think with an eater like this keep the food dead honest. Don't try any of this 'hidden' vegetables shit that people do with toddlers, it won't work. So maybe just a plate of veg crudités with marmite as a dip?

Thanks Tinkobel - he had terrible wind as a baby and would take ages to burp after a feed. When he went on to solids he literally refused everything bar rice cakes, lentil bake and cheese. i do make the marmite and cheese pasta for him now ! I've never been able to do the hidden food - my child can tell the difference in sweet corn just by smelling it - if it's not jolly green giant he is not eating eat - literally!

It's a good idea about the nutritionist - I'm going to investigate that tomorrow.

He does seem to be in a great mood this evening and even came grocery shopping with me -:)

Mcmen. No sanctions today, bracing myself for tmrw now!

Every other adult I've spoken to seem to think the teacher following them into the loo in the first place is very strange.

Other stuff happened in the aftermath including dd overhearing her HOY (a family friend no less!) commenting to the teacher who followed that dd was 'difficult to talk to, angry and not very nice'. The other teacher also said 'if you died tomorrow how would you like people to remember you, nice and kind or sullen and surly?' DD replied ' I don't give a shit how you think of me' . Which sounds incredibly rude but in her mind is the truth. She doesn't care about what teachers (who don't even know her ) think of her.

Urgh. It's a total shitstorm over not a lot imo. But of course I have to pick up the pieces!

Thanks Pegs for the new thread. I’m impressed at how you got the new link on to the 1,000th post! 🎉🎉🎉.

A couple of observations about the comments from some PPs about how other families seem to be happy, please believe others pointing out on this thread that no one is living a happy, completely problem free life. And lives with teens most definitely have problems of one sort or another.

I understand that it’s hard to accept that your DCs might need ADs and in our heads, it feels very wrong. But if you found out they had developed, for example, type 1 diabetes and needed insulin injections to stay alive, you wouldn’t think twice. Insulin injections simply replace something their own body can’t produce. It’s the same with the chemicals in ADs - they replace or supplement what their bodies aren’t producing, or aren’t producing enough of.

And to the suggestion of cooking and leaving it for them to graze on - yes, yes, yes. This can really help get them to eat and avoid the food battles. My DSS2 has suddenly found lots of reasons to not be here at meal times. I’ve just started cooking as if he’s going to be here, leaving his portion in the cook pot and have noticed that more often than not it disappears after he comes back. If it’s plated up it gets left, but the fact he’s helping himself from pot as if it’s just leftovers seems to be the way he ‘allows’ himself to eat my food.

Made it by the skin of my teeth Machinebee!

Dashing about this morning! Bbl!

*There’s a saying “a mother can only be as happy as her saddest child” - well that’s how I feel but also helpless to try and improve the situation too which is hard for me as I’m a natural fixer and dooer"

@tinkobell yep I totally hear you on this. I unfortunately seem to live my parenting life by this saying. I have two DDs and they both are open with me, great but also this means I have experienced all their pain and endured knowing I can't really do anything. My youngest is going through friendship dramas, normal but still my heart breaks when she comes home sad about how she feels her friends are treating her.

And I think other parents don't talk about the problems their teens are having for two reasons: they want to keep up appearances and secondly they just don't know and/or don't notice.

Have a lovely day and love to you and all our teens x

@blessthekids.....sorry to hear of your DD's friendship woes, they are always v v painful. I often wonder to myself if the perpetrators of misery had the faintest clue of the wide reaching stress that bullying or group exclusion causes within the broader family, perhaps they'd think twice....or probably just not give a shit!

My 16YO likes to drag you along on the roller coaster of life - all the ups and downs. Whereas the 18YO (akin to a moody Avril Lavigne) says nothing, ever.....tbh, I find that the worst because the pressure just builds and builds; you can't think Of ideas or problem solve, you can't do anything. A few years back on holiday an old (somewhat cheesy) American couple told me to 'squeeze my kids hard' 'keep squeezing 'em" and I do that! Sometimes it's met with a confused 'gerrof' but I still squeeze them just to let them know that I love em, especially when times are very hard.

@Anotherlover.....sorry I'm having an ideas kind of day! Another thought might be to try and get your DS involved in food at a more fundamental level. I'm thinking a growbag with tomatoe plants in it. Or visiting a pick your own fruit farm (teenagers find cherries, strawberries and peas hard to resist). You could say you're going anyway, does he fancy joining you......Seeing new foods at a very basic level might peak his interest, who knows.
I'm sure a nutritionist that deals with young people, food anxieties and teens will give young good advice directly to you. Your challenge needs psychological input.

Good morning all! Sorry to have been awol. Still fighting this flu, virus thing.

Ticklingcheese I missed that about the Teenage section! Will investigate!

Dare I say it, reasonably good going here atm, DD went off fairly happily to exam this morning. (And breathes.)

How about everyone else?

AnotherLover that is shockingly bad about your DS having to queue up in baby weighing clinic. Talk about how not to treat an adolescent with eating issues. . And sorry school are being so intransigent too. It all sounds like such an uphill battle! Hope nutritionist helps! I've also found that cooking with dd has helped her to be less "suspicious" of certain foods. I like Tinkobell's growing idea too!

Same with your DD and the school Pasanda , that does sound like a poor reason for a sanction and the way the HOY spoke was completely unprofessional, especially when your DD could hear! Hope she is not too upset still.

Well done to your dd1 Teentimestwo and hope your dd2 ok!

McMen71 I hope the new dose of meds is helping you and that the incident with your dd's bully at school was resolved ok?

Tinkobell aw to the American couple - that's so true that they need "squeezing" the most when they are being the most difficult - and sorry but I had to smile at "moody Avril Lavigne" I have the talkative type - the sort that likes to drag you along for the roller coaster ride! Having two with opposite personalities must keep you on your toes!

Waves to MachineBee Blessthekids Tinkobell and all other PoTs! Wishing you and your teens peaceful weekends!

💮 Btw, I was in touch with Mumsnet HQ again about the web-chat and Notontopofthings idea about inviting someone from Young Minds and they said their press people were considering our request around about about now so fingers and toes crossed everyone!

I’d like to share my morning joy. It might just make others feel better. I’m currently sitting at my desk in tears. I’ve been told repeatedly that I’m hated and no one likes me. All with a mocking smile, laughter and singing. Then he spat in the hallway because he knows I hate spitting. He’s constantly spitting in the bath and sink and just leaving it. He’s now standing out side my office repeatedly saying mum. It’s pure torture. I would love this period to end.

Oh, the brute. How old is he? Any redeeming features? I suppose he must be very desperate to cement his separation- if only it involved something helpful like taking over the cooking! I have resigned myself to ‘no contact ‘ most of the time, unless money is needed.

Oh yes unless money is needed, then its all sweetness and light.

@makmaison, sending you cyber hugs, its horrible.

taking over cooking would be fab. I’m pleased to hear he’s not alone in his sweetness when it comes to needing money. He really is a little sh** right now. All will be well eventually. At least it’s Friday. Hooray!

I cant do this I don't think. I cant be a mum to a child with so much hate for me. "I f###ing hate you" tonight. Why. Because the xbox has gone. Because of bad behaviour like this. I cant do it. I cant cope. Ive no clue what to do. I just make it worse.

Im no help with advice for others sorry. I hope this passes for us all soon.

They don't really mean it Blondie, they just mean "I'm really angry". My daughter has said "I wish you'd kill yourself". It upset me at the time, but with perspective I know she didn't mean it.

Mrsblondie I feel your pain. As hard as it is to accept, they truly do not mean it. It’s nearly impossible in my experience to do it but the key, I think, is to let it go smoothly in one ear and out of the other. My mantra is they do not mean it and it will soon be over. I try to shake it off. It’s bloody hard but it’s the only way. It usually takes me about an hours space from him and we start again. I’m so impressed you’ve taken the Xbox. Well done.

MrsBlondie & Makmaison I started this thread having been subjected to a similar rants at a moment when I was feeling particularly bad about myself. It is so demoralising, especially at a time in our lives when we ourselves may be feeling less than confident.

I was really helped on here by others saying "they really don't mean it", "they take out all their inner turmoil on us because it is "safe" do so so" and "they have very little idea of the hurt they are causing because their frontal lobes haven't fully formed yet!" I didn't believe it at the time because I was in quite a "low" place but it really is true and indeed dd apologised very soon thereafter.

However, you don't have to sit there and listen to it over and over. Calmly shut the door, walk away, go out and buy yourself a coffee, or simply say "I look forward to talking to you when you are being civil" and really mean it. Try and disengage a bit and go and do something else totally different and totally absorbing. Be slightly less "available".

Good luck. It's a really horrible thing to go through. They hone in on our weak spots like excocet missiles.

Hello all sufferers again, what a rollercoaster this is. Ds is trying to buy weed from acquaintances. He’s 13 and thinks it’s all just a laugh. Won’t engage with me, dp, or any more productive activities-today I can probably stop him but not for long if he’s determined. He has a fair amount of freedom, luckily not much money. I keep trying to trust him- and then stuff like this happens! Haven’t confronted him yet :(

Good luck with the confrontation Xerox stay strong. Easy to say but can he be steered or distracted away from those particular acquaintances?

@Blondie and @Makmaison ....both accept a virtual hug 💐 That's bloody awful and I hope one day they do remember and hang heads in shame. Hormones are indeed incredibly powerful things and we need to remember that. You are being used as punch bags and I guess it's because they know they can use you as punch bags and you'll still be there and you'll still be mum. So much is said in the heat of the moment that isn't meant at all. DD saw a counsellor yesterday about 'it', whatever 'it' might be. Had no feedback or comment, just a bill to pay for £95. Frankly I just feel like we're treading water through A levels then I want her working. End of. She needs to engage with the broader world and earn her own cash, life's claustrophobic here. Wishing people rest and sleep this weekend!

Morning all, Rocky at home last night again. Son is still buying weed, and don't know where the money is coming from, I think he's saving his lunch money all week! So a packed lunch from now on, I'm not funding his habit.
Expecting another row tonight as he gets paid and I expect him to hand it over, so he doesn't spend it all on drugs.
I am very tempted to just let him work away and waste his money but £100 a week for dope is quite alot. But he might need to learn the lesson a different way..I am so confused! I'm exhausted, I just wish sometimes someone would take him

Sorry Xerox, weed is such a pain. My DS is smoking it a lot, as I said earlier I can’t seem to get support as the agencies only seem to want to help someone with a problem. I’m going for the long view, and hoping we can keep talking and his dad also keeps talking. But to be honest it’s driving me mad. There must be someone who can help us with these underage weed smokers

@trishababyblue, I see you are in a similar boat. It seems that they don’t see it as a problem at all; in fact we are the problem! Getting in the way of serious weed smoking!

Easy to say but can he be steered or distracted away from those particular acquaintances?
-not sure how at this age? I’m just glad I check his phone- i wish the other kids’ parents did the same.