Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

@notaflyingmonkey that sounds so hard

Do take some comfort in that they rage at us as we are there safe place. They can get it all out and yet we still love and care for them.

Dd's boyfriend family are looking at moving house over an hour away. She is devastated and the buses wouldn't even allow her to visit regularly.

I suspect he realises it won't work for them but he is encouraging her to come at the weekends.

She is asking him not to go but he needs to go for himself. She is going to be so broken hearted over this! I think this is the beginning of the end and neither of them really see it yet.

That's so hard @notaflyingmonkey
You're only human and biting back can be seen as just a way of defending yourself.

I am having a nightmare with DS 14, he is just so bloody grabby. He is never satisfied with the huge amount he already has/does; always wants more, more more! Total raging meltdown when we say no.

We have just been staying with friends where any number of teen friendly activities were organised and next week we are on a family hol.
Yet here we are, with him demanding take outs, shopping trips etc etc. Either no clue or no care about money. Utterly exhausting and I'm ashamed of his entitled behaviour.

Any suggestions how to manage this behaviour gratefully received.

No help @Dorsetcamping but watching too. 13 year old DS here who thinks money grows in our garden. Just asked for a 55 pound xbox gsme! Doesn't help me that all his friends will get it as parents are all £££££ and richer than us.

And here-13 y o suddenly wants £80 fifa game! Doesn’t want outings though, just to be left alone (with endless junk food)

Thank you. He just doesn't get it. Walked into the
Kitchen 5 minutes ago demanding to know what we're doing today.

Because I want a spend free day and suggested local bimbling activities, or that he cycles over to friends, he just slammed the door in my face muttering how terrible his life is

Try to laugh. Terrible life...as if!
Another day survived!!!

How do you do "bedtimes" in the holidays? DS staying up later and later but issue is now that Im working. Im up at 6.30am so need my sleep. Husband too. He is so noisy and selfish.

@MrsBlondie we have a nocturnal teenager here too. I don't mind her staying up, but she has to be quiet so DH and I can sleep. I make sure she's had supper before we go to bed, and has taken her makeup off and cleaned her teeth so she's not banging about in the kitchen or bathroom in the middle of the night. Also, she wears headphones if listening to music or watching Netflix/YouTube etc, and goes to the living room if on FaceTime so we can't hear her. It's worked pretty well, the only problem's going to be getting her body clock adjusted again for going back to school 😬

This thread has been a life saver, thank you everyone for being so brutally honest for the last 2-3years I have felt like a failure, spent nights in tears, resorted to wine o’clock to calm myself for the end of school and feel emotionally exhausted. DH works overseas much of the time so for all intents and purposes I’m a single parent, he plays no active part in parenting but feels free to tell me constantly it’s me who has the problem as I don’t deal with my Dd “ in the right way” Dd is headstrong, supercritical, will only do what she wants to do ( which is nothing around the house or to help) and has such a sharp tongue that some of the things she says are crushing,I feel bulldozed. She’s academically super smart and often uses this to humiliate me.
Shes almost 17 has had a fantastic boyfriend for almost 2 years. He is the only person that she has listened to, he’s been great for her, calming and grounding. I found out in the middle of our family holiday, which the boyfriend joined, that she has been texting another boy from his school and is planning to finish the relationship. I could tell immediately as she had started treating her boyfriend with the same attitude I get. I felt terrible knowing this as he’s such a decent guy and terribly upset that she will be losing someone who genuinely brings out the best in her. She plans to tell him before school starts and I’m dreading the fallout from it. I admit being menopausal has rattled my confidence but with the constant daily bashing I just feel like an empty shell most days.

notaflyingmonkey that is really tough.

Yes to the magic money tree. I have to say that DD was very apologetic when I pointed out her demands were a bit off yesterday. Her behaviour is still much improved 👍🏻.

We have had a huge shift in income since H left in March (but we are still ok).

I have bought our four bed family home so we haven’t had to move, taken on the car lease, etc., etc.. However, I now have to budget.

It has been an expensive summer, DD has been abroad with school, we are now on holiday in a ‘boutique’ cottage. Much of it is required but I have so far paid for sunny holiday clothes for her school trip, regular clothes, new school uniform, new school shoes and trainers (she is a size 8 shoe so women’s prices), a wet suit because it is so cold where we are, the list goes on.

Yesterday she asked for new underwear - of course, she has grown. Only she doesn’t want M&S (which is all I buy for myself), she wants to buy from Hollister.

I said I was sorry but I could only afford M&S, that we have to make adjustments. She said ‘you said everything was fine Mum and that I shouldn’t worry’, I did when I was trying to reassure her that we would be ok post H.

I then felt bad because I know she is a bit of a worrier.

I am considering handing over the family allowance monthly and letting her clothe herself including school uniform and shoes etc going forward.

Oh sorry re nocturnal- I just let DD get on with it. My only rule is that it doesn’t interfere with my plans for the next day, so if I want us to go out in the morning she has to get up.

Mess that is really tough re your DD’s boyfriend. I had a similar situation with STBXH, he worked away for six months a year until recently and had a very different (very tough) parenting style to me which caused much resentment.

Good morning all another weekend over and getting closer to new school term which brings its own problems
I had a peaceful weekend not much sleep when teens are out but all part of parenting.
@MessApausal I know it sounds bad your dd wanting to finish with bf but the other boy might be just as good. You can't expect her to stay with the current bf if she has feelings for someone else.
The bf will get over her. It would be worse if she two timed him.
How did you find out.

My dd is 16 past and goes out with boys but never big long realationships too young to be too serious. Let her enjoy her teenage years with boys but I would get her doing chores.

I get my 3 kids to help with the weekly clean up on a Monday and no gadgets to its done so they all chip in and can do their own thing then.
They do dishes every day. keep bedrooms tidy.

Good morning everyone. I'm so glad I found you all, and especially this thread. I'm sitting here in bed, in California, pretty much in tears reading all about your teens and your families and saying 'yes,yes!!!' As things resonate directly with my own experiences and that of my lovely boy.

My DS13 last spoke to me in April, when he told me I had made so many mistakes as a parent he would never forgive me. Since then he's cut off all contact, as has his father (my ex).

I brought my son up pretty much alone until he was 10. He and I were inseparable. He was a difficult but loving child and I am a tough but loving and fair parent with plenty of my own problems to stop me feeling morally superior!!! We emigrated to the US for work, but he hated it and demanded to be sent back to the U.K. to his dad and eventually I agreed.

I've had to pull back completely and I send a short email a week telling him I love him. I dont. even know if he reads them.

@notaflyingmonkey I'm so sorry. I feel you. When they say this to you it rips your heart out. Please try not to second guess yourself. We're all experts at what we did yesterday. Parenting is a maze; and those we parent have no clue how hard it is.

I've had to remind my DS that either he can lay blame or take responsibility in life: only the second is productive and positive. Keep strong

@LifeOfBox, it’s really not easy with DH away so much, I hate constantly feeling like the bad guy.
@mcmen71 yes my rational self tells me it will work itself out, it’s the worry that Dd is impetuous and it will lead to more unreasonable behaviour if it all ends badly, her nature is that it isn’t ever her fault I found out by accident because we had created a holiday music shared playlist on Spotify and when I clicked in to it found she had made a playlist labelled with the boys name full of love songs. She hadn’t realised the playlist was public and admitted what had been going on. I was just relieved her boyfriend hadn’t seen it.
@MorvaMae I can’t begin to imagine how painful it must be to have no contact.

mess, I get that, I am the bad guy since he left which is a complete shift as I was the one who overcompensated for his toughness before he left.

I really sympathise, I am dreading the boy stage.

@MessApausal thank you. It's been incredibly tough.

I'm kind of old fashioned, in that I don't have to have him like me at the moment. He's safe, well fed and he's going to a fantastic (read: expensive) day school with very small classes and individualized attention for each pupil. He wouldn't get that in the State system. He was thrown out of four primary schools for trouble making or being bullied.

I'm out here trying to make money for his education. He can't see that, obvs. Wants me back in the U.K., NOW.

It's A level results day this Thursday. I can't join the mainstream thread on MN as it is full of mums worried their DC may not get A*AA as predicted. DS needs two Ds, and I don't like to think how he will react if he doesn't get them. Poor sod.

We will all keep our fingers crossed on this thread for him instead not. I can’t remember if you have said where he will go and what he will do post results and am on my phone (which = painful scrolling exercise).

Have things improved since you posted on Friday? Poor lad, let’s hope he gets what he needs and is strong enough to do what he wants to at uni.

Thank you Box. I appreciate the support of my virtual friends here.

He has a conditional offer for a place at uni for DD.

Here you all are (for some reason this thread doesn't show up in the threads I'm on list).
Hope everyone is as ok as possible.
I'm just back from a week away with the dd's.
Dd1 refused to get off her sun lounger for any of the available activities and yet proclaimed she was bored and had a face like a slapped arse 75% of the time. Dd2 was upset with her as she wanted to do the activities but not on her own (and not with me). She took her frustration with her sister out on me. Both glued to their phones throughout.
To make matters worse I perforated my ear Drum they day before we left and have been in some pain and bloody deaf in one ear the whole time.
I'd really saved and looked forward to that holiday and they have been just rubbish really.
I honestly don't think I'll take them again-too upsetting

Historysock, do you think that is just our lot? How old are your DD’s?

I posted this on the teenagers holiday thread earlier ...

“Me too, single parent on a UK holiday with DD13. Doesn’t want to do anything. Ok, the weather is changeable - so I bought her a full length wetsuit and half length board (no idea what that’s called) after she showed an interest on Sunday. Even that was too much trouble today. There is a castle where we are staying ... looks like I will be going alone later on.

She has spent most of the week reading and writing stories in her room 🤷🏻‍♀️ (Her screen time is limited by me).

I am fed up of trying to be honest. I reckon a week in Northumberland will have cost me £1400 for two of us in a nice cottage. I could have done something interesting on my own for that and let her stay with her dad for the week. Flipping joyless.

This is my first proper holiday alone with her (although ExH chose not to come with us twice last year), I didn’t expect to feel lonely and not have her company at all.”

I have booked a holiday with Exodus over February half term, expensive (for me anyway) and you have to join in. Not sure whether that is a good idea after this week. I have got two jobs, my day job and then I teach for an institute I am a member of, money does not grow on trees - it all feels like a slap in the face.

My DS and DS 15 and 17 get on so badly that I can’t cope with taking them away. The last time I took them on holiday they argued so much and so often that I decided it really wasn’t worth all the money to have arguments away from home. Am a single mum, and just can’t handle them to be honest. I feel a bit of a failure not taking them anywhere although their dad has taken them away for a few days each 😞

@historysock I hear you.
I am just staggered at how entitled my 2 are. Zero gratitude for all the lovely activities and holidays We give them and then they have the audacity to moan about things not being good enough or being bored.

I cannot remember the last time DH and I had a break just by ourselves. Am so tempted to never pay for them to go anywhere again 😡

@Fleetheart
Same here, constant bickering and attacking each other. I'm disgusted with them