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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

999 replies

Pegsinarow · 13/05/2019 08:31

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two! Smile

OP posts:
Aramox · 29/07/2019 20:40

@CHRISSEY1 yes i have. I would recommend a cbt-type book on anger and irritability, or some counselling. If you can learn to detach a bit it will be easier ( tho still 💩)

LifeOfBox · 01/08/2019 13:11

Well we have reached an all time low in our house with DD calling me all the things her father used to. Ugly words that should never be uttered. I am thoroughly fed up of my teenager.

She is going to stay with ExH for a while, could be a few days, might be longer or even permanently if they decide that’s what they want.

All because I am the boundary maker (and I am much less strict than him).

I will be heartbroken but no doubt I will survive.

mcmen71 · 01/08/2019 13:42

@lifeofbox sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with your dd.
Even though it is hard to let her go to her dad it might be best to let him be in charge and then she will see how easy she has it with you.
look after yourself.
Yesterday I had a few tears when my dd told me to stop talking about boys to her. Later that day she said sorry and said she wanted me to talk to her about boys
So if you talk you are wrong if you don't talk you are wrong.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

LifeOfBox · 01/08/2019 18:10

Thanks mcmen, he has already said to me that he doesn't want her, said it again today. He uses work as an excuse, reckons he will move away next year. It is an awful situation. I can't believe my lovely girl is behaving so badly.

He actually said, let her stay with me for a while so that she can see the reality of it - he is a bully, always was. I hate letting her go and find out for herself but that's what I am doing.

Thanks for your kind words, I have decided to go to a drop in yoga class tonight and have offered to help at an event on Saturday so I am not stuck at home, alone and thinking.

That sounds about right, if you do you are wrong, if you don't you are wrong, story of my life atm and quite a few of us on this thread.

landscapingtrees · 01/08/2019 18:41

Everyone's circumstances are different, LifeBox, but my DS went away for a week to stay with family, and I found it beneficial. I managed to get some time alone to potter and relax and reflect without any interruptions or interractions.

LifeOfBox · 01/08/2019 21:10

Thanks Landscaping for being kind - I have done my yoga session and am now relaxing in my chair by the French doors with a G&T.

I have got tons to do, work, making a million Roman blinds (13 to be precise). Helping at this thing on Saturday, seeing my parents on Sunday. But of course my home (and life to some degree) will feel very empty without DD should she chose to live elsewhere.

Aramox · 02/08/2019 19:03

That does sound hard @LifeOfBox but I think the temporary space will help. Things are quite calm here- all friends being away and no school is very restful! Actually enjoying ds’s company again- what a gift.

user12346755 · 02/08/2019 19:10

DS has just told me to "fuck off"
I know that for some it's not that a big a deal but for me that's a huge line crossed and I have no idea how to deal with it Sad

notaflyingmonkey · 02/08/2019 19:39

DS had me in tears earlier today. I felt totally done in by the constant lack of engagement when I try to speak to him, and then the rudeness when I finally ask him to do something - tidy his room. He then told me to get rid of a couple of guitars that I had bought him, and it felt like one thing too many.

However, I just took him up some fruit that I'd picked in the garden and got a thank you - a rare moment of pleasantness.

notaflyingmonkey · 02/08/2019 19:42

A friend shared this short video with me earlier.

Aramox · 02/08/2019 19:48

@user12346755 my suggestion would be to speak firmly and say this must not be repeated. If it becomes habitual make a consequence and stick to it. Eg loses phone for an hour or dock pocket money. It may not work immediately but it will make your lines clear.

BananaFace5 · 03/08/2019 18:06

I hope you dont mind me joining in, but I am so grateful to feel normal again with what we're going through. I think a lot of the problems we have are anxiety based with our ds 13. He seems to have big problems with maths and french and has skipped classes at school when he finds them hard or when the teacher isnt helpful. The school are watching him for it now so I dont think he'll try it again for a good while but I feel so sorry for him and am equally frustrated by his lack of doing anything to help himself even small things like writing down the homework so he doesnt forget it. I feel like banging my head against a brick wall most of the time. Its even hard to get him to shower and if he does shower he often doesnt bother washing his hair, he is overweight, has bad dry skin patches, sneaks food where he can and seriously overeats anytime its freely available. I dont want to cause issues but I really want to help him. I feel useless and invisible most of the time
But at least I know Im not alone, and that helped a huge amount

Ivegotthree · 03/08/2019 18:27

Hello please can I join? I have DD 13 who has SEN and is currently being a nightmare - angry, particularly with me) and aggressive (she can't talk).

And I have a son not far behind.

Will prob lurk mostly as no time to read everything and reply but I've read some of the early posts on this thread and they really struck a nerve x

mcmen71 · 03/08/2019 21:39

@BananaFace5 and @Ivegotthree welcome to the thread you are not alone we all come on here to have a wee vent.
I sometimes read over parts of the thread and feel it helps read a few pages a day.
This thread has really helped me and others to take a step back sometimes. X

littlebillie · 03/08/2019 23:52

I have just had one teen away for a week and the house was lovely with just one. The holiday ended today and well having them together was no fun. Also realised that one is very easy going the other is not and it shows in stress levels

WhyTho · 04/08/2019 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mcmen71 · 04/08/2019 13:19

@WhyTho My dd lied to me for 3 months about which bf she had to I went to the house one night looking for her was the only way the truth came out.
I hate lies. I grounded her for as week and took her phone off her for the week also told her the next time it would be for a month. I got an app o phone called life 360 to keep track of where she is. But it's not always 100%

WhyTho · 04/08/2019 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user12346755 · 05/08/2019 15:43

Does anyone else's DC bicker 24/7? They are either arguing, humiliating each other or hitting each other. Did hope it was phase but it's just got worse and worse.

I find it utterly exhausting and embarrassing. Most of my other friends say their DC have their moments but generally get on ok. My two just don't ever seem able to get on or at the very least leave each other alone.

Any advice gratefully received. DS 14 and DD 11

Phimma · 06/08/2019 07:14

Following

Phimma · 06/08/2019 07:14

Following

mcmen71 · 09/08/2019 08:38

The thread has gone quite so hopefully everyone is having a good summer

LifeOfBox · 09/08/2019 08:50

Hi Mcmen, things are not too bad here. A few days with ExH and DD seems to be appreciative of me and our home environment.

She said she thought he had changed but he hasn’t, everything has to be on his terms. He made her do maths and physics for 90 mins a day and ran her ragged doing ‘active’ things (sort of enforced exercise- same old thing he used to do at home).

She has been kind and fairly respectful since she came home. Accepted the screen time limit I have imposed and tidied her room!

We are going away today, weather is awful so I am expecting lots of reading.

ExH has emailed me telling me to make her study music theory, maths and physics during the holidays - honestly she is just 13 not doing major exams. It is the holidays!

I hope everyone else is doing well.

Aramox · 09/08/2019 13:23

That’s good news @mcmen71! Had a quite peaceful holiday week here too- hoping it continues!

notaflyingmonkey · 09/08/2019 15:26

Had a dreadful row with DS this morning. Have been in tears for most of the day since. He blames me pretty comprehensively for fucking him up. He raged at me, listing all of the ways that he thinks I did him wrong. I am afraid I did not cover myself in glory by raging at him back. I did later apologise.

He is supposed to be going to uni in Sept, but his MH is in no fit state. I am convinced he will come off his meds and then all bets will be off. I phoned the GP - again - in tears - again - and begged for help. I am truly done in by all this.