Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Me too Tarrarra, I missed that final sentence. Reading on my phone without my specs on I suspect!

@WhyTho welcome to the thread. We are all here on the thread for similar reasons. Some have it harder than others but to us mums we have to stay strong for everyone else.
I feel since I took a step back things have got easier. I still have days where I feel I cause the argument to get worse by giving out when things are not the way I want them.
Vent away on this thread and look after yourself x

Hope everyone else is doing good.

Oh dear! Mine is returning tomorrow from a trip and I am actually quaking at having to cope with his tempers again. If I let him loll at home all day w screens he will be even fouller, if I don’t he will have tantrums. Determined not to do any of my suggestions or think of any of his own. And left to himself he will get into trouble!

@whytho what did she do for you to take the modem.
Can you talk to her about this and say if you do a few chores you will get the modem back.
My dd says she will run away if I don't give her what she wants so we talk about it and she does the chores or stops the back chat and I give her back the phone.
It won't be resolved if you keep arguing. I know its easier said than done.
But if you read the thread and see is what she is doing really that bad when I read what others go through it makes my problems so trival.

Sometimes I wonder if another adult could mediate. Do you think that might work? How is it with her other parent, if you’re a couple?

I'm hoping this thread is still going! My DD is 13 and is a total nightmare...I have 2 older DD's and whilst I had my moments with the older one who is now at Uni, I have no issues at all with the 15yo, the 13yo is unbelievably badly behaved, so rude and disobedient, everything my fault apparently?! School holidays have become nothing more than anxiety for me all day every day, every time she goes out with her friends I worry she's up to something, DD2 saw her smoking but she's denied it, I could go on...at my wits end with it all 😔

She sounds the perfect match for my son. Clear consequences for every infraction? Makes no difference here. It’s so tiring worrying all the time too. And the lying. I keep trying to set him up to do the right thing but he chases the bad stuff. Does she talk to you? Can’t get the headphones out here.

@Notthebradybunch and @aramox
I have it the other way around dd14 is good no bother so far but I dont let her out as much as too dangerous in town and we live in country
Dd16 out more has a bf constantly lies about who she out with.
Biggest lie so far that she was going with a boy I couldn't find her one night and went looking to where she said she was the parents had never heard of her even though she told me she was at their house every week.
The dad rang his son who was at his friends and they went and found her talk about who was embarrassed the most.
I really dont know, so I cant trust her at all now as she was going between the 2 boys but has now settled on one.
She reckons everyone does that at their age.
She says some girls go with different boys every night
I get bad anxiety thinking where she is all the time.
She started a part time job 3 days a week so that should keep her busy.

It's a nightmare trying to figure out when the truth is being told and when the lies...some of her friendship group are a bit of a bad crowd but I can't say anything bad about them or she goes mad, she is a total nightmare at the moment, I thought it was just me, thank you!

It's definitely the worrying that's so exhausting, and my 15yo DD is so quiet and shy she gets embarrassed at school about her sister's antics...I wish I could fast forward the next few years!

@notthebradybunch the more I tell my dd16 not to go into an area she defies me lies about it then I screenshot her a photo off her location and I get the back chat but I'm safe I'm with bf makes me so mad.
Her dad away to get her .now she will come in raid the fridge and start cooking and demand TV for love island when I just want to send her to bed and take her phone.
I'm watching Nathan Carter and I'm going stay put and dh will be watching wrestling in kitchen so hopefully he will guard the fridge. God I'm ranting now.

Back chat constantly, the things she calls me! Disruption in the house with her moods is constant unless things are going her way, I feel your pain!

How do u manage phone use? My dd would fight me for her phone, but turning off WiFi is useless. She just finds the house hotspot. We don’t pay for her phone anymore or give her pocket money. She doesn’t care as long as she can FaceTime and TikTok. Feel powerless. She’s so rude on top of all that. What do others do in these circumstances?

My son taunted me yesterday that the phone is the only control I have and I’m afraid it’s true. I use iphone screentime to turn downtime on and have had rules from the start that the phone is left downstairs at night and I know the code. I find this ‘you can’t control me’ business hard. Mine is just 13 and way too young to have all the autonomy he wants but can not bear to be told anything.

Whatsit, I have recently downloaded the ScreenTimeLabs app. It looks like it has more functionality with android than apple which is a shame for me but it allows me to 'pause' DD's tech usage and set a daily limit for her iPhone and iPad.

She came home from her school trip, within minutes was screaming and swearing at me, saying that she wanted to live with her Dad and generously hideous things.

So, I sat her down for a chat, said that there would be new boundaries in my home. That I loved her very much but that I wouldn't accept her incredibly vile behaviour and repeated threats for her going to live with her father and that if she and him wanted that then she could go with my blessing.

I said that I didn't think that would necessarily be best for her but that I would allow them to decide between them and let me know.

We seem to have had a couple of much better days, she has accepted the three hour a day (will reduce to two hours in term time) limit on her screen use.

She has accepted that if she wants her allowance reinstated that she will need to sort her room out and keep it tidy. I know its sort of a right of passage to have a messy room but she just doesn't care about anything.

I bought her a lovely necklace for her 13th birthday last month, £135's worth of silver necklace, something to remember becoming a teenager by. It is somewhere on the floor in amongst rubbish, dirty and clean laundry, books and school books etc, the mess is almost a foot high in places. There is untidy and there is not caring about anything at all. I have the latter.

She has agreed to play tennis with me tonight after lunch with my family which is something she wouldn't have done last month.

Tarrarra, I hope your son is ok.

My heart is breaking DD 17 really struggling with the Summer holidays. I know it's her autism and being out of routine but it's so upsetting seeing her holed up in her bedroom ALL DAY. She has always really struggled with friendships, the few at Secondary school she did have all gone their separate ways.. She is at 6th form College and is lonely. She flip flops from being quite childish and a deep thinker, she struggles to identify with her peers.

Her younger brothers (twins 15), do go out with their mates, I can't stop them doing that, but it does upset her they sometimes go out with DD, but they are not her keeper and have their own life....

That is ☹️ sandwiches.

DD (13) is similar, I suspect ASD, DH has a HFA diagnosis. She has always struggled with friendships.

It seems to be one of the things you can’t help them with. As she has got older she has become less tolerant too which doesn’t help.

How’s everyone coping? Ds telling me to f off , etc, several times a day. I turn off his phone remotely when he does. It has no effect. I am beginning to wonder if anything will.

Aramox that is 💩

I have a 15yo daughter and I myself approaching menopause. She has a way of constantly asking things; money, clothes, toiletries, expensive bath oils the list goes on and on. Endless birthday celebrations. I try and hold it in and smile sweetly and firmly but I have noticed during my period I SNAP and end up screaming and having a massive row about how spoilt she is and selfish. then she has the upper hand as I have lost my temper, then I am then apologising. Anyone had this? Its now effecting my marriage as we are arguing all the time.. never used to be like this when she was 10. wits end any help?

@chrissey1, I’m 53, my DCs are often asking me why I am so angry all the time. I never used to be; it must be menopausal. It doesn’t help that my DS has ADHD and is angry, entitled and rude to me, and both of them are messy, want money and seem to be very unappreciative! It drives me crazy. Try to stay calm but wondering if HRT would help...