Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Sending hugs MrsGrammaticus - wish we could wave a magic wand and make everything better for them eh. It sounds like your DD could be heading in the right direction though if she's exercising and, combined with a higher dose of ADs, should help combat her depression - fingers crossed. It must be so worrying for you, and frustrating too if she's unable to open up much to you at the moment. You are doing a brilliant job being there for her though, so please be kind to yourself. It's so hard for us to remember that, and to take time for ourselves when we're so focused on DCs welfare, but it is really important. I'm realising this as I've not looked after myself well the last couple of years, and have made myself ill worrying about DD, and now know that I have to change. Keep holding the rope! 😊

Thanks for kind words @blood....it's v good of you. 💐 The Al Anon stories were not "triumph over adversity, more sit nearby and watch your love one slowly drink themselves to death ......but try not to get too upset about it".....I get we cannot control everything around us, I do. But I can't 'give up' and accept my DC's misery because to do so would feel like giving up on the kid that I've loved and nurtured for 18 years. Maybe I should try a different group? I am making myself ill, its happening. Marriage feels crap. DS is ignored. House is dirty. I look shit. I feel like a shit mother and like I've always been a shit mother from Day 1. I've got a few mates, but I bet they're now sick to the teeth of me. I just see no future beyond these problems. I want to runaway but DH tells me we 'can't afford' for me to run off (dick). Never felt so trapped, heartbroken, shit, guilty and fucking angry at the same time. It's not status or failure that worry or bother me. It's just that I've tried to do something well for 18 years, I've made a few hiccups I'll admit but nothing too drastic, I'm told my DD I'm a good mum, and yet at the end of it all a social worker tells me on the phone that DD can't talk to me and wants to end her life. I just feel that this IS my fault or at least a bloody big part of it must be.
Sorry can't sleep. This is my vent moment. Thanks for having this wonderful thread folks......please offload back!

Mrs what you have been told about prioritising your own physical and mental health? It's true. You can't pour from an empty jug. Also, whatever is going on with DD she could look at the effect it is having on you, and the environment around her (messy house, etc), and blame herself.

I speak from bitter experience. I posted on this thread on NYE when I was at a very low point, to the extent that MN reached out to me. What I had to do was stop internalising as it wasn't helping. You have to find a way to be strong for your DD - frankly I am all for faking it til you feel it. The thing that worked for me was pulling back from DS, as my mental health had become too intertwined with his. It helped. Not least of all because it seemed to give him room to breath. At that point he had stopped going to counselling, and it was his counsellor who actually phoned me to give me that advise.

Feel free to PM me if you need to vent. I have no magic solutions, but buckets of empathy.x

So hard to do this and so true. I am losing all my own interests but it’s worth ‘faking it’ if nothing else just to give yourself a space that’s not entwined with them- yoga and mindfulness are not helpful I find as too easy to get distracted

@monkey.....thanks. I do hear what you're saying and the impact - self blame cycle makes sense when you put it like that. Just needed a good dose of 'woe is me'. We are all apart any from sat for a good week. So that's no bad thing.....timing couldn't be better. Told DD we prefer not to have psychiatric person here at house day before results too. We can go there. I'm not crazy about having people come to our home on a Self invite basis.

We had social worker visits at our house for a while. I think it was probably to check out the environment, who was around, etc.

We went down the Catch22 route with DS for his drug use. But I think with a similar outcome to your DD @MrsGrammaticus in that the problem wasn't really his drug use per se, but the reasons behind him taking them. That's where we are stuck as I believe he needs professional help to deal with that, but can't seem to find the right person/organisation.

How do we get on with our own lives when the day starts with being sworn at and abused ? No, I have not hidden your headphones! Even after a year of this I find it so upsetting. Need to toughen up!

Hiya, sorry have been quiet lately. Just lots going on. DS finished college, but has done nothing since and mood is very low. DS saw the psychiatrist at CAMHS who has said he needs to be on ADs but ds doesn't want them. Psychiatrist has agreed that if he doesn't want to, he should stop smoking weed and drinking so much. DS just can't equate his moods to his use of substances, but is trying to stop smoking. Not successfully thus far. College have agreed he can start again next year, he just needs to decide what to do.

I have not managed to get a job for next year, and current school gave me a runaround saying there might be a job, then inviting someone else to interview for it and then rejecting me. I still have to go into work, and it's horrible... 1 more day.

I'm hanging on to the rope and hoping that someone has the end of it for me...

@tarrarra sorry to hear about your job. That is so awful.
Try and persuade your dd to take AD'S they really do help when you get dose correct
I have been taking them for anxiety for 3 months.
@Aramox us mums always get the blame when things go missing.

@notaflyingmonkey hope your ds will get the help he needs. Life is so hard when you watch them struggle.

@MrsGrammaticus don't beat yourself up we are all on this thread as our teenagers push us to the limits.
I have taken a step back to try and improve my own MH. I started taking AD'S for anxiety and blood pressure tablets.
I also started to read again to try and relax
Try and do something for you.
Your ds is now 18 an adult, I know we feel we have to look after them but they need to look after themselves too

@Tarrarra..so sorry to hear of your DS low mood. It's bonkers that he wants to put certain substances in his body but not AD's. Keep working on him as best you can.....hope job prospects pick up too, you've a lot on your plate. 💐
@mcmen...I know I know I do. Thanks. This week particularly shit. Superficially DD all perky as going away - that was lovely to see actually. But the happiness marred by phone call by psych care worker telling me that DD is intelligent (err yes, I know that) still suicidal and can't open up to anyone in our home. Al Anon told me to be the lovingly detached mother of an alcoholic zombie and to accept our fates with thanks to God. Life feels effing bleak right now. I'm off to eat a steak and chip, watch Eastenders and sulk! 😩

I’m so sorry for the bleakness. Being told to just accept and detach is horrible.

We went with DD for an autism assessment via NHS after being referred by CAMHS. She received a positive diagnosis.... She has been masking this for years

I will start a new thread, but anyone got any practical advice?

Aramox no need to apologise for bleakness - it is bloody bleak. This thread is here for venting and support amoungst others going through it. I don't think you do need to accept, but I would strongly recommend pulling back for a bit, if only for your MH. Carrying on with the level of intensity on both sides isn't working for either of you, so something has to give.

Sandwiches getting a diagnosis can be a relief, as it puts a name to it. I had to look at the previous page for your DD's age, and can see she's 17. My DS was diagnosed at 4 and is now 18, so my/our experience will be very different. Also, I think autism tends to manifest slightly differently in girls, not least of all because they are now known to mask it. In my mind I see it like grabbing a balloon - the bit you are holding gets smaller, but other bits get much more inflated.

You now need to don your hard hat to get her an EHCP (Education, health and care plan), which should help ensure her needs are met at college, etc until 25. Note of warning: depending on where you live, these can be as rare as hen's teeth, as the LA is probably broke and therefore won't want to grant one, but they are essential.

I meant mine as reply to @MrsGrammaticus, sorry to be unclear! But good advice for all. @sandwiches77 what an awkward time of year to get a diagnosis- I hope you can get some support from others, perhaps locally or via fb? Especially since it’s so different for girls. Does it make sense to you?

sorry not been back since previous page - 'all the fruit bits in the sink' post. but it did help me ponder more afterwards. Thanks to Aramox and notaflyingmonkey, seeming to understand when your teens refuse to do something, what can you do? and the frustration involved there for the parent.

The "consequences" cycle I'm not sure works for my son at his age (16) anymore.

Also, my example seems a bit trivial compared to what some others are dealing with here right now, but it was a "last straw" if petty example of DS16 just not doing a simple thing I asked - and dealing with the disrespect. Also, sometimes it wasn't just about the impact of me, almost worse was the worrying over what his "issues" were, as his behaviour didn't seem just the normal issues of teens.

re. exams and GCSEs, I did try to encourage my son before the GCSEs but decided his mood and positive memories of exams and subjects and school were more important than results. I encouraged him and offered him help occasionally from the xmas just before the exams, through Easter and right before, but apart from that I backed off. The internet is full of things you can do to "help" your teen, but I found most of the advice counter-productive.

I''ve definitely had a stressful time with things with DS over the last few years. But realistically I've done everything I can to help him, maybe I've even taken too much responsibility (my own mum did v little to guide or support me, perhaps thats why) ....

I've decided it is now hopefully possible to change my approach, relax and try and control what I can, but what I can't - well I can't and just accept that and move on. We've even had a few "Talks" in this holiday about the birds and the bees and a couple of other issues re. the future, so I hope I've prepared him as much as I can reasonably do. Time for me now to start to focus on other things.

Wishing everyone a peaceful weekend.

Any ideas how I can persuade DD to let me tell College about her autism diagnosis? She is due to go back in September so I have the summer holidays to try and talk to her or do I go behind her back?

Tricky. Phrase it in terms of the support she will get, which will help secure her future? That it can be discreet? I think I would make it non optional but recognise she is at a very awkward age. Can she get some peer support from anywhere?

You are all going through so much , I feel like my situation is fairly trivial too History compared to everything everyone else is going through.

I am so fed up though. I don't recognise my own daughter. She is currently away with school and hasn't been in contact at all.

She is in constant contact with STBXH and has this hate Dad, love Dad thing going on. Right now she would prefer to go and live with him. I don't think it will be the best thing for her in the long run and I am not entirely sure he will want her but if they agree of course I will let them get on with it.

She continued to behave badly right up to catching the coach, attitude and swearing as I waited up until nearly midnight to take her to school. She declared that she wanted to spend as much of the holidays with STBXH and she wouldn't be coming on the holiday I have booked for the two of us. It is almost like she is thinking of the most hurtful things she can do/say. Fine enough about the holiday but I would have done something else had I known.

I stood with a couple of her friends mums as they were leaving school and felt a bit as I could see their relationships with their daughters were very different to where mine currently is with DD.

I have had a solitary weekend which feels a bit odd. I don't have many friends where we live as we haven't lived here long. My close family are on holiday so my options were limited without a long drive.

I purposely don't go out that much in the evenings as I don't want to leave DD home alone and I work late one or two evenings a week anyway. Hence I don't have many friends where I live. Maybe I will have to start thinking about me a bit more rather than DD.

She has decided that she doesn't want to go to counselling anymore - I have been advised (by my own counsellor) to respect her decision.

That sounds really shitty. I am sorry. How old is she? She sounds like she’s thrashing on the end of the rope and without knowing anything about it I wonder if she still actually wants to test your constancy.
Very hard to have no space for yourself- hope you can find some.

My teenager always annoys her younger brother deliberately when she is agitated about something. She is going into year 11, struggles academically and is very anxious about failing her GCSEs. This is not unfounded as she didn't do well in her mocks so reassurance is not necessarily the way to go. We are paying for a Maths tutor but can't afford a tutor for everything, obviously.

Now it is the start of the holidays and I'm dreading it. The annoying of her brother went on relentlessly til he was screaming and throwing things and this was for about 1.5 hours then she started on us. She asked to bake cakes at 8pm and we both said no. So she started chanting 'I want to bake cakes' over and over for 30 minutes or more.

When that didn't succeed, she went upstairs, banging about and throwing things in her room. She only stopped when I was moved to tears (not frequent occurrence by the way)and said I wanted to move out, which I meant at the time because when she is like this, nothing works. Ignoring leads her to up the ante, shouting causes her to explode and break things, issuing consequences makes her challenge them (eg turn off the wifi and she'll say 'it's OK, I'll use my data even if it is up to the limit', ground her and she'll say she's going anyway etc, etc)

There isn't anything obvious that set her off. I tried asking her what was she trying to achieve, what was bugging her but to no avail. She finally fizzled out about 45 minutes ago. I had spent the whole day at work today and spent all of yesterday running around after her, too.

sandwiches77 ASD diagnosed late is tricky. I think what helped ds is being told that it is something that a lot of people have, that it doesn't have to define him and that it is normal for everyone to struggle with something. He is quite happy to share his diagnosis with college, but is not so good at telling friends as he is embarrassed. I would tell college on the enrollment form or before if they have a good senco, as it will affect certain aspects of college life and support does need to be put into place. I'm fairly certain that the ASD diagnosis was the trigger for ds to become more anxious and certainly is why he hangs around with the wrong people.
LifeOfBox hard when they make the decision not to accept help or counselling. I guess though that you can't force her to go as she needs to want to accept the help for it to work?
gandalf456 it must be exhausting for her and you to be in this cycle of feeling out of control. If she could verbalise what the issue was it would make it easier. I think that being overwhelmed after a year at school certainly makes mine very agitated and controlling. Sympathy to you x
HistoryTide2 I often try to accept the things i can't change and to let go a little, so good luck to you. I don't seem to be able to manage it and trying to control it does make me feel useless!

DS is not doing well at the moment. Woke up at 5.30am this morning to hear him going out. He was out the door before I realised. Have heard that he was smoking weed and taking other (unknown) drugs through a friend's mum. He told me he had to go out as a friend was in trouble and needed to help her. He is not being honest with me, and it's hard. I just told him that I love and support him no matter what, but that he needs to get his head straight and he can't do that under the influence. Feel drained. Last day of work today, so at least I have plenty of time to arrange all his appointments... I keep saying it but I would just like a drama free month!

He is due in hospital to have an operation on Wednesday, so at least I will know where he is, and he will have to have an enforced period of confinement. Perhaps that is what he needs...

DD spent the day in bed yesterday I'm feeling stressed at the moment lost my rag with her which as you would expect wound her up. I'm just so frustrated

Tarrara Yes I was feeling very calm when I wrote that post :/. I am still trying to retain perspective, but did lose it yesterday over something. So its work in progress. But I do think him being 16 means hopefully I can see a brighter light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't have to take SO much responsibility for everything. I hope this is the case.

I think the thing that worries me is that a lot of DS16's behaviour - though not extreme behaviour - seems to point to something not working properly in his brain. Something "rational" doesn't seem to work. Sometimes it looks like lies, or "disassembling" or being shouty and argumentative and rude for the sake of it, sheer laziness, or "missing the point" -- but I also think that his brain doesn't seem to work normally - everythings a bit 'messed up' in there and he just doesn't "get it". Even my mother commented on the way he talks - its often a mumbling jumble of words that its hard to make sense of, even though he's bright enough. Its not normal teenagerdom. By the same token he also seems to have an unreality around future dreams.

I don't know. I suppose now that he is 16 I can worry a bit less. I have two more years to endure this kind of behaviour, and I just hope he matures a bit during that time. And I manage to have some kind of life ....

I do worry how he is going to get through life with his attitude and passivity (in bedroom all day similar to your DC sandwiches when surely he should be out doing stuff and looking for a job and making plans). But there is only so much I can do. I just hope he finds his niche and so forth in life, I really do, but I don't think its gonna be here at home with me.

She is 13 Aramox, due home tonight. I have missed her .... but not her attitude.

I think she is ASD, always have done, more so in the last couple of years but both her and ExH (HFA which affected him and our marriage more post 50 than it did in the preceding decade which led to our divorce) won't hear anything of it. Of course her view is led by a dad in denial.

He thinks it is something to be ashamed of rather than something that would allow her to access help.

She too would spend all weekend in her bedroom, isolated, without doing anything at all if I let her.

to all on here, we need them.

@Tarrarra....I hope your lads OP went ok yesterday 💐