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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

999 replies

Pegsinarow · 13/05/2019 08:31

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two! Smile

OP posts:
Aramox · 14/07/2019 17:08

Room tidying goes in the basket of Things To Ignore. That allows me to prioritise rudeness. Not that it makes any difference.

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 · 14/07/2019 17:18

Aramox - I do take your point, but the bedroom is just a metaphor for the rest...

sandwiches77 · 14/07/2019 18:20

lifeofbox DD is 17, her bedroom is a pigsty. I ignore unless a health hazard.

If her clothes aren't in her laundry basket in her bedroom, they don't washed. It has caused problems when something she wants to wear isn't clean, but I just shrug my shoulders.... Clean clothes never get out away, she has a 'floordrobe' I ignore.

Dr has prescribed vitamin d tablets, she sometimes takes them. That does wind me up as she feels tired a lot the time, but then doesn't do anything about it Angry

LifeOfBox · 14/07/2019 20:04

Thanks sandwiches, I know that ignoring it is the right approach but it feels like she is sticking two fingers up at me when I know I will end up ironing her clothes a second time for her school trip abroad, if she finds them that is.

I bought her new furniture in January (maybe I already said that?), her room is the best furnished bedroom in the house. I used the money my parents gave me for Christmas towards it because I didn’t feel I needed anything at the time. I find it so disheartening, she doesn’t give a stuff about anything.

Last week she actually slept with her clean ironed school uniform in her bed, I mean 🤷🏻‍♀️, how the heck do you deal with that.

I am having the whole house decorated and new carpets, guess what, I am not doing her room and I am sure she won’t care.

I have two jobs, I teach for one of the institutes I am a member of a couple of evenings a week, she thinks money grows on trees.

I have stopped her monthly allowance - a generous £40 a month, in addition I pay for phone, swimming, tennis, two music lessons a week.

She appreciates none of it.

Instead of sorting out her room she has spent the day reading a book.

LifeOfBox · 14/07/2019 20:45

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 sorry, I missed your post. Keys, yes - she has lost hers and two of mine in the last three weeks - they will be in her room somewhere. And definitely yes, her room is definitely a reflection of the state of everything else.

After seeing her father this weekend she wants to take up fencing again - well thats fine if he pays for it and runs her about as I feel unable to take anything else on during the week.

I work late one evening, work from home tutoring two evenings in between taking DD to the things she does and then I play tennis another one which leads us to Friday when I take DD to her swim club again and the week is over!

I have opened a bottle of Wine after watching the tennis and walking the dog. Cheers!

sandwiches77 · 14/07/2019 21:50

Know how you feel lifeofbox, DD has slept in her Scout uniform 🤷🏻‍♀️ she has been in her pyjamas all day today. Apparently it is my fault she didn't get in time to go out today 🤔 I didn't even answer that one.

Don't know about you lifeofbox but some teenage behaviour I can not remember doing myself... Pretty sure my bedroom was cleaner than DD's and I know I wasn't as rude to my Mum like DD is to me. God, I'm old......

MrsGrammaticus · 14/07/2019 23:16

Ha ha....sorry but I'm actually enjoying reading some of the room horror stories! 😁 If you don't laugh, you'll cry!
So DD's little piece de resistance is to step out of pants and trousers in one motion, drop on floor.....and walk away ...for the invisible lady-in-waiting to tidy up. And you can imagine after several days, and several trouser /undie droppings later bedroom starts to look pretty desperate. I don't believe the said items are ever reworn a second time, but DH pointed out that the Cowboys in spaghetti westerns used to do a similar thing but would later leap back into the pants in order to make a fast getaway. No such luck in our place!

sandwiches77 · 15/07/2019 07:02

lifeofbox a friend of mine who has an older DD told me that her DD bedroom was exactly the same until she got a boyfriend. Once he started going into her bedroom it suddenly became cleaner.... I'm figuring that messy/dirty bedroom is easier to handle than boyfriends in bedrooms (I'm so not ready for that yet)....

Whattodofgs · 15/07/2019 10:06

Sandwhiches77 well in Dd's case it's just all swept into the cupboard or under the bed when he is coming over.

I am not ready for BF's in the bedroom either but that's where we are.

We have been away for four days and she has been on the phone on Snapchat constantly plus Facetime too. Although it's been a pleasant enough break and she has been very good.

Staywithmemyblood · 15/07/2019 10:37

Yup - gotta laugh at the state of the bedrooms! I really do despair. DD recently rugby tackled her BF on the landing to stop him going into her room as she just remembered she'd left her all-in-one pants, leggings, used sanitary towel combination on her bedroom floor 🤢 She demanded asked me to quickly remove them whilst she kept him pinned to the floor! 🙄

The fast getaway cowboy thing doesn't happen in our house either, MrsGrammaticus, but it did make me laugh 😂

Glad you had a good break Whattodofgs. My DD was also constantly on Snapchat and FaceTime when we were away - but at least it keeps them happy and gives us a chance to relax 😉☀️🍷 Happy holidays PoTs!

HistoryTide · 15/07/2019 15:37

NC again. Well DS16 continues to be an arse. Left all fruit bits in sink this morning. I told him to clear it out as it is blocking the sink. Otherwise MillyTheMaid (thats me) has to go in the kitchen and clean up, yet again.

He shouted at me that the fruit blocking the sink wasn't "important", and stropped that I called him to tell him this. He didn't do it of course, so I had to.

Its not even worth me getting angry anymore really, or punishing by turning of the wifi etc (just more hassle for me).

I'm really struggling with the disrespect and he's destroying our relationship.

Counting the days till he's 18 and I can ask him to leave. Its pretty sad though.

Aramox · 15/07/2019 21:02

That’s really aggravating.
Me: please stop kicking the ball inside. Son: No.
Where do you go with that?

notaflyingmonkey · 15/07/2019 21:49

Me: could you tidy up after yourself please.
DD: Oh. My. God. (accompanied by eyerolling).
Me: I don't think that was an unreasonable request.
DD: Don't, just don't turn everything into a drama.
Me: I'm not, I'm just saying could tody up after yourself when you cook please.
DD: No wonder nobody likes you.

Aramox · 15/07/2019 22:39

That is also familiar. ‘You’re so boring! Everyone hates you!’

MrsGrammaticus · 15/07/2019 23:19

@Staywithmemyblood....what a lady! Which Swiss finishing school did she go to? 😂
I'm so scared of saying we've had a good couple of days in case I jinx it all....but actually we've had a good couple of days. The big thing is that DD18 is committed to quit drink and is seeing AA tomorrow...this is a major step. DH and I also going to Alanon tomorrow. Alcohol has cursed our lives for too long, the anxiety it causes is dreadful day and night. I darent dream of change but we long for it so badly. DD is exercising every day and generally seems brighter....but like I say, I darent get excited. It's v early days.

notaflyingmonkey · 16/07/2019 06:57

That's so good Mrs. For her to have acknowledged she has a problem is a big first step.

DS will say to the GP etc that he will go for drugs counselling, but he just goes through the motions as he says he doesn't have a problem.

My Dbro was an addict. He ended up a street drinker who died alone in his own vomit. Whenever I remind DS of what drugs did to his uncle, he just says that isn't going to be the case for him as he can handle it.

LifeOfBox · 16/07/2019 07:06

Phew sandwiches, I am not sure I could cope with a boyfriend in the mix!

Progress here ....... one, yes one school uniform dress has made it into the laundry basket. This girl is going away for a week with school in two days and has not packed, no laundry done, nothing.

What a flipping waste of time.

She still hasn't taken her antibiotics or used the topical stuff for her acne. I have told her that if she can't be bothered then I will cancel the follow up appointment.

I have woken her up twice this morning, I will be on the receiving end of a load of abuse shortly when I wake her up again in a minute.

Aramox · 16/07/2019 07:49

Isn’t waking them up the end. Ds hides the alarm clock bc he hates it then I have to wake him and he swears . I am going to let him fail next year.

Oblomov19 · 16/07/2019 07:51

Reports yesterday. Totally coasting in almost everything. He drives me mad! He's in for a shock in Year 11. Or, worse still, what if he doesn't realise till it's too late?

LifeOfBox · 16/07/2019 12:23

Same here Oblomov, year 8 report - rubbish and reflects her current life attitude. 3's for effort (down from 1) and she thinks that is ok.

Aramox · 16/07/2019 20:00

Awful here too. Just picked up a french hw marked 2/10. ‘I dunno leave me alone’.

Staywithmemyblood · 16/07/2019 20:42

That's good news MrsGrammaticus. How did you all get on at AA today?

Lifeof Box - I feel your pain re the refusals. It really is so frustrating when you do all you can to help them, but they refuse to do their bit, then blame us when things don't improve for them 🤷‍♀️

DD's going for a sleepover at her friend's house tonight, so I'm looking forward to a peaceful evening watching Love Island (guilty pleasure!). Wishing you all a relaxing evening too 😊🍷

MrsGrammaticus · 16/07/2019 23:39

@notaflyingmonkey....re drugs counselling do Catch 22 operate in your area? You can refer a relative yourself. We are using them in Gtr London for DD alcohol.

MrsGrammaticus · 16/07/2019 23:48

Things took another twist today. Gotta surprise call from psychiatric team. DD apparently not an alcoholic...depressed and using alcohol unhelpfully. My efforts with AA unhelpful, so I was told to stop for now.
Apparently she's v unhappy and I need to allow them to do their work. So confused. They want to come to our house day before A level results.....errr no.
Separately went to Al Anon. Lovely people but not a good experience for me. Most members were struggling with the loss of a deceased love one. It felt all about acquiescence.....it's not where I'm at. Feel shit tonight. Helpless and hopeless once again.
DD working out and hopefully AD's getting notched up so a small ray of light there. Trying to talk more too but not getting too much back. Have to keep trying. Al Anon did make me realise I've got to take better care of myself now.