Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Oh first relationships are so painful! On us I mean.
Yes @MrsGrammaticus, a brief respite. Rewards are better than Consequences but they do cause a lot of argument about criteria. I am learning to argue less- whilst claiming to be ‘listening’.
I confiscated ds’s phone today. He actually watched tv without doing something else at the same time. He does find life so stressful.

Morning all, hope everyone is surviving.

@mcmen71 how is you DD? She does deserve so much better the exbf never sounded like the best catch. Just a shame about the timing just before birthday.

There seems to be a few similar issues on the thread as I’ve been catching up. Both my DDs repeated year 12 and it was the best thing either of them could have done, for their mental health and confidence.

The schools put so much pressure on kids with ‘this is the only route to succeed in life’ it’s not, all my DCs have a very mixed age group on their uni course. For some GCSE years was a write off due to MH issues, for many yr 12 was a nightmare and put them off course for a bit. So for all those struggling it will get better,focus on the wellbeing first and education second. It’s so hard, Hope everyone is able to relax over summer.

I just downloaded "Boundaries with Teens" on Audible which has some useful insight. Just a shame about the constant religious reference

billybagpuss I would be happy if DD repeated y12 but she won't have it

I didn’t realise they could repeat y12. Glad it’s possible. Bit overwhelmed here with end of term upset- bad report, yet more misbehaving at school and home, accompanied with demands for clothes and food! I am finding it really hard to focus on work. On the positive side I think focusing on one behaviour and refusing to tolerate it (verbal abuse) has helped- it’s definitely decreased. I just wish I could take that phone away for good!

Sometimes the existing school won’t let them repeat but you can always find another school that will. @sandwiches77 it’s so difficult as they can be so stubborn I got to the point of just going with it and picking up the pieces where necessary. Year 13 tends to be better so hopefully things will pick up for her and the ucas process seems to focus their minds too. Good luck.

@Aramox one behaviour is a good way to go,.

Where have all the PoT's gone? NC here as I noticed a certain DC was accessing my account a while back. DS actually has a MN user name and often creates threads for the purpose of 'research' ....yeah right. So beware mums.
Life not great here tbh. No big fights etc just a general feeling of malaise and sadness. DD18 AD's not working yet...but then I suppose one should never expect a magic bullet.

No! What kind of research?! I’m finding it overwhelming here. End of term strains and lots of trouble, in and out of school. It feels like ds has been eaten by a monster. We have a session with camhs but he is likely to refuse to come, and of course won’t use school counselling. His friends are not good influences either so I don’t feel safe letting him hang out with them too much. And no, he won’t do an organised activity that might boost his self esteem...

Sigh feel your pain Aramox DD has used cahms and school Counsellor, she now goes to Counsellor at 6th form. She has found the message from each of them that the cause of her issues of 'being a teenager' irritating.

She had another meltdown last night about being lonely and lack of friends. It is heart breaking to see her get so upset. Feel so helpless

I try and boost her self esteem.. Its hard as she is of the age where she pushes away her parent. I wish I could give you a magic answer, all I can say is hang on in there and you are not alone..

Am going into my second week of coming off ADs myself. I realised that they were just masking things, and just making me feel deadened inside.

DS is still doing nothing other than hating on me. I asked him again today not to vape in his room, but to go in the garden especially during the day. The smell of it upstairs is rank.

I have asked him to: find a short course to do over the summer, look at some recipes that he would like to try out and add any ingredients to the shopping list, help us research someone to live. Nope. Nada. I have largely gone on strike at home this week as I am sick of being moaned at for cooking the wrong thing, having the wrong food in the house, etc.

Oh tedious. How old is he? Ds has now burnt all his boats by getting into trouble with all his friends and is stuck at home hating us. It’s awful having an only teen, though I suppose two might be worse.

@aramox: I actually think two is worse .

One has just told me he’s been robbed, but not who by! And he is obviously shocked but he won’t tell me anything more. “You’re lucky I told you that much; it’s none of your business”, the other is lazing around moaning about everything and blaming me for everything that is wrong. It’s very wearing and it gets me down. I try to stay positive but it’s not working today.

Fleetheart so blinking hard work. Sending you some positive vibes, or whichever you prefer

DS is 18. He has also burnt his bridges with his friends and is stuck at home doing nothing other than watching YouTube and vaping. And hating us.

DD is 21, has now finished uni, and seems to be quite resistent to applying for jobs. I think the idea of working 9-5 without student holidays is troubling her. Also, filling out application forms is long.

@sandwiches77 thank you. Yes it is hard work. I keep thinking back to when they were smaller; we were always laughing, it was tiring but we had fun. They just seem to be so miserable a lot of the time now. I know it ‘s a teenage cliche but surely there is some pleasure in their lives. They seem to have fun with friends and save all the misery and moaning for me.

PS tonight I think! After all it is the weekend

notaflyingmonkey D nephew graduated last year and is still resistant to applying for jobs! His Mum got him a part time job in a shop where she works, no application form, no interview and of course not related to his degree!

Fleetheart finding the teenager years more tiring than baby years.. Maybe it is because obviously I'm older... but it was more physically tiring before and not mentally tirijf if that makes sense?!

I have 3 and honestly I am ready to give up being a mother of teens.

Agree; this is definitely a million times harder than when they were small. I am constantly on edge now, wondering how things are going to be.

I can relate to that. Dd15 is finishing year 10, did badly in her mocks and is already panicking about year 11.

I'm exhausted trying to talk her down and, tbh, she does struggle and is likely to just scrape through, if she's lucky.

That said, I know plenty who weren't academic and are successful now. Conversely, I was quite studious at her age and am doing jack all now

Nice to read posters daily misery updates 😬 I put a lot of the crankiness down to the insufferable heat day and night. I like cold, I'm sick of the heat. DD v up and down.....my own nerves can't keep up I'm too empathetic. Realised that the trauma of last few months has meant DH and I rarely 'together' which is another thing to feel a bit crestfallen about. DD away overseas next week....quite worried for her.

Can I join please. This could be long..... 13 year old DD is behaving absolutely hideously at all times and I am so fed up of it.

Me and her dad are divorcing (he left four months ago) so there is that in the mix. H was very tough on her when he was here, he is a bully and it showed. For context she would often phone me up at work crying because he was being himself. Life with him here was no picnic.

We have always been close (H worked away for years) but wow, I don't recognise her.

She is at a really good school and has always done fairly well but her current attitude is showing in her end of year report.

Her room is an absolute disgrace. I actually spent three hours in there two weeks ago and it looked lovely, two weeks later it is a complete pigsty with clean clothes, dirty clothes and rubbish all over the floor, her wardrobes are an avalanche of 'stuff'. Mouldy cups of tea and food - bloody grim.

I took her shopping for clothes last weekend, they are now mashed on the floor with the rest of it. Of course she is nice when she is on the receiving end of 'things' and I had no option but to take her shopping because her clothes from last summer don’t fit.

Everything I do is met with rudeness, attitude and swearing. When she exceeded her screen time by 4.5 hours last Sunday (I allow 2.5 hours a day) I clamped down and deleted Instagram and Snapchat which she used for mindnumbing timewasting rather than communicating with her friends who don’t use it (they all have several whatsapp groups for that).

Honestly, I come home having had a lovely day at work to DD who is absolutely rude and awful. I know that some of the way she speaks to me comes from H – I can almost hear him in her (of course I don’t say that). She called me a fxxxing bitch twice last week, once when I was driving her to see H who lives ten miles away (there is a bus).

She has been seeing a counsellor for the last couple of months but has decided that she doesn’t want to go anymore, that it is ‘torture’.

She goes through spells of not wanting to see her Dad but is currently seeing him (which obviously I encourage).

I think she struggles with me being the sole rule maker as before H left I often had to compensate for him being overly tough.

H has aspergers. I think DD is a lot like him.

Everything is too much trouble for her, I took her to the doctors about her skin recently only taking the antibiotics and putting the topical stuff on her face is generally too much trouble.

I am rambling now so I will stop. I do my best every day but god this is hard.

I dread her behaviour and attitude daily and I am finding it really bloody draining. My day starts at 5:30 and my job is really stressful, we could have such a nice home life .

@LifeOfBox welcome to the thread we are all going through similar so don't feel alone. We just have to try and enjoy the good days. My way around the bedroom tidying is I stay out of their rooms as much as I can but now summer is hear I go in to give them a kiss before I go to work and if it's a mess I say get it tidied before I come home or you will loose your phone and I followed through with this last week and rooms where tidy next day.
It's hard been parents to teenagers we want them back playing and cuddling into us but they want their phone and friends more than us
Like me your dd is only starting on teenage years. We have a long road ahead so we need to look after ourselves too and ignore things like mess as if you read this thread and the previous one there is so much bigger stuff for us to dread.
I'm dreading the drinking ( which is just starting) but I have told her at parties only or in bfs house or our house no park drinking I know if I say a total no she will lie and do it anyway
I hope I can keep them away from drugs. So much pressure on kids.

Thank you mcmen, I too stay out of her room as much as I can, but, it is affecting her in that it is such a mess that she can’t find the things she needs including clothes!

I have stopped doing her laundry as of last week. Her solution to the floor is to produce five loads of laundry - most of which are clean clothes and were ironed before they ended up screwed up on the floor.

She is so ashamed of it that when one of her friends came round on Friday she didn’t let her in her room!

She is going away with school this week and I dread her looking for the things she needs to pack.

Her room is a tiny part of the problem of parenting her though.

She is generally rude and entitled and I find little joy in our time together at home.

LifeofBox - same here re room. I close the door and leave a laundry basket inside. I don’t wash clothes or bedsheets until they are brought downstairs and put in front of the washing machine. But she can never find anything - including her keys. And yes, ironing goes on bed, falls on floor etc. Everything I ask dd to do is delayed/not done. So joyless, yes it definitely is. I am just about learning to zone out, and find my joy elsewhere