Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

FWIW Sandwiches I wish - in hindsight - that I had taken DS out of 6th form at the end of his first year of A levels. He was clearly struggling, and there were a lot of flags being raised. His college unfortunately were more interested in their league tables than in meeting the emotional needs of their students. I thought (wrongly) that he could tough it out for his second year. He ended up being asked to leave in the November of his second year, which meant it was impossible to find him a place elsewhere. His MH has since deteriorated further, along with his confidence etc. Obviously, our kids aren't the same, or in the same situation etc, but I wish I had moved him to a different college for his second year.

I've looked at other colleges monkey and DD won't have any of it. She is completely blinked and will not listen to any other options

@sandwiches77.....she's not functioning (eating well, sleeping normal hours etc) in the most basic way. Tomorrow morning I'd make an emergency GP appt on her behalf (you can do that) and get her in thr car - possible other excuse and get her in front of the GP. You say what's happening - the lot, don't hold back. To me it sounds like she may require a psychiatric assessment at the very least. Good luck!

MrsGrammaticus thank you DH keeps telling me that I'm fussing and I'm worrying too much. She will eat, just not a lot or if we are out (obviously can't afford to do that all the time)

@sandwiches77 - The behaviour of barely moving, eating etc does sound like she's having a breakdown. Is she worried that she's unwell? Get her to the GP. Also keep life dead simple - small bits of food, drink, a small walk, a puzzle word game thing on iPad. I wouldn't bombard her with life's big questions right now. When people are having a breakdown they feel like it's all closing in on them.
If you are concerned that she's self harming and suicidal consider A&E or a local Safe Haven (Google it). EMERGE Are a good charity for teens to speak to...have a phone accessible to her. Hope this helps. Keep us posted. Don't let the GP fob you off. Have a Pre written note explaining the situation in case you get blocked out of the consultation. I've been there OP......

Just checking in to see how everyone is. Will read back down now.
Dd1 has been in her room all day today and when spoken to has just been really eye roll-ie and rude. I've lost the will to even bother speaking to her about it.
I miss her a lot.

Dd2 has been our with her friends this afternoon, now in bed on her phone but at least conversing with me from time to time.

Was thinking earlier about how when they were little if someone took them for even an hour how it felt like total luxury. Now I wish they would come back to me for a hour here and there .

No concerns about about self harm, I keep as close on eye on her

Hi to all the new op's sorry to hear your having such a hard time.
This thread is great. It makes us feel we are not alone.
@billybagpuss hope yourself and Dh are doing well
@Pegsinarow we are all missing you, hope your summer break is going well and you found something to interest your dd.
@Whattodofgs hope you doing ok
@Staywithmemyblood hows things with you.
We had a lovely break away everything went so peaceful.
Got home told dd21 to organize something with her friends for her 16th in July bf was helping her. I told her to ask him to our family meal too and he then dumped her, said I still love you but dont want to get too serious at our age, he meant he didn't want to go for family dinner and he has her around his house about 4 days a week. I thought this was so mean. I feel so bad that I told her to ask him.

Things are relatively peaceful around here but I am still lurking.

That was mean of him @mcmen71
I do worry about Dd's boyfriend finishing with her. She is so obsessed with him.

@notaflyingmonkey and @sandwiches77......the autism thing is hard. We have 5 diagnosed family members with ASD. DS16 has tendencies and did a Pre screen a few years back which came back as non ASD - but he's smart and v high functioning, didn't want the diagnosis ....I sat in and he transformed himself into a touchy feely emphathetic persona for the Pre screen and waltzed out saying "not me". But it's nagged away at him since. He asked me recently "do you think I'm ASD mum?" To which I replied "it's one big spectrum and we're all on it somewhere".....red rag to a bull 😬 The situation is he's has a group of mates at school, he already has extra / time and special consideration for exams, he's settled at school, we're aware of it, he's aware of it and at this stage in his life I'm not sure what more is to be gained. We are just leaving it open now until he decides he wants to pursue reassessment for his own personal benefit and understanding.

DS (18) was diagnosed with ASD aged 4. However it's only been relatively recently that he has started to understand what that means for him. TBH it has been one of the things that has led to him acting out and having MH issues in the past year as he blames us for it, and for - in his eyes - allowing him to grow up 'soft'.

I thought it was your mum and dad that were supposed to fuck you up, not your kids.

@monkey.....so you are damned if you do, damned if you don't! An older member of our family who is a bubbly, outwardly gregarious young mum recently surprised us with her ASD diagnosis. For her, she said it was not how she behaved outwardly st all (she'd honed that) but the realisation that she was not able to relate to the world and others and neurotypical people do. The variation is vast. The main outward issue that DS16 has is making completely unrelated, off-piste, disconnected remarks in the middle of a dialogue. It makes DH get arsey which isn't helpful.

I feel for you teens are naughty at twisting whatever you do to make YOU take the blame.

Dd (14) is away on an overnight camp for three days (2 nights) which I have paid £100 for. She has just rang to see if I can pick her up so she can see BF for a couple of hours. I have said No! but she will probably ring him to see if his family will collect her.

I could contact him directly telling him she isn't allowed but what I really need is for her to listen and understand that she needs to stay at the camp.

@Whattodofgs these bloody bf's hope she listens. Tell her its only 2 days and she can see him more when she comes home if she stays.
Is the camp near to you does she have other friends there.

Ds in trouble at school and home. So upsetting! Shoplifting, disobeying teachers- most of his friends are up to bad stuff too- and he lies and lies to us. I want to support him and keep him happy but nothing we offer is enough and it seems he just wants to break rules everywhere.

MrsG only just starting on the autism path. DD has an assessment but no diagnosis yet.

Have not got to the bf stage yet (can't see I ever will tbh)

@Aramox....,are you able to go away soon? Only reason I ask is because I'm just wondering If a brief window of lifting him out of the two environments of home / bad pals and school could be helpful, just to draw breath and try and have some reasoned chats with him? I'm not suggesting for a second that a holiday will fix it all...it clearly won't! But it might give you a window of opportunity to talk to him and find out what's going on in his head a bit and start to take steps from there?

Morning all, here is too a stress free day for all.

Mcmen71 Yes the camp is just 25 minutes away and she has other friends there. No response to any of my texts or calls yesterday until last night at 2am when there was several texts and a missed call saying how ill she was and how she would need a Dr appointment. I was asleep and didn't see them. Today no response at all. Difficult to know if she is messing with me or not.

Aramox that is so difficult and we have been through some of that too. No useful advice other than try to keep communication lines open.

Sandwhiches77 I have one diagnosed ASD and one just starting the assessment path. It's difficult to know what to do for the best. I would definitely say Dd1 has benefited from her diagnosis. It's very hard for her when she sees Dd2 with a boyfriend and other things she might never achieve.

MrsGrammaticis I would agree that sometimes time out in a different environment can really help to reconnect. Ds2 has really improved after a couple of days away with his favourite GM.

I hope all is relatively well for everyone else.

@Whattodofgs If your dd was really badly sick would the camp organisers not have contacted you. Have you got a number for them.
I hope she is ok

Yes McMen71 I think they would. It's just that I am now wondering did I ask enough questions about how it was run, how much overnight supervision there was etc etc and I am also wondering if at 2am she had been drinking?

Torn between contacting the person responsible for the camp to ask and risk the wrath of Dd for creating a fuss or texting the boyfriend...if he hasn't heard from her then I would worry

It's amazing how she always manages to be centre of my attention even when she isn't here.

@Whattodofgs same as my dd1 everything seems to revolve around her.
I would contact the group leader.
My dd1 used to send me messages from school that she wasn't feeling well. I text back do you need an ambulance and that would be the end of it. They drive us nuts in the house and nuts when they not in the house.

Ah thanks. He is going away yes- hurrah! - though the constant whatsapping etc will keep him in touch I’m afraid. Maybe I can limit it. More rage.

I have managed to contact Dd. She had a bad migraine during the night and was very sick. She is ok today.

Coming home tonight so wondering how late she can stay at Bf's house

The self centred attitude is quite amazing.

@Aramox.....so is the getaway "family" time together or desperately needed respite care for you? You could use the time space to think about drawing some fresh clear lines in the sand with house rules etc and setting consequences and rewards. With the consequences, think about what's truly dear to him and removing it. What could you give back if he keeps his side of the deal....is there something big that he's after in his life that you could help towards?

Good evening PoTs! It's been a while since I posted, but I'm still here. I started on AD's about a month ago and they make me sooooo tired. I'm going to persevere though as I do think they're helping. The big ball of anxiety I constantly felt in my chest has disappeared

DD's behaviour is still very challenging, but at least it's the school hols, so no issues with school refusal 😅 Sorry to hear about your DD's BF Mcmen - that was really mean. She deserves better. Glad your DD feels better after her migraine Whattodofgs - you know she's definitely ok if all she's bothered about is getting back to see her BF! I get where you're coming from re your worry for her if they split up. My DD has been dating a boy for a couple of months now, mostly they get on great, but it can be pretty volatile (mostly due to DD's mood swings I have to say) so who knows how long it'll last. She was heartbroken for months after the last one I know they have to learn about relationships and it's all part of growing up, but it's just another stress to add on us poor parents when things go wrong and we're already concerned about their fragile MH.

Anyway, we're on our hols at the moment - just a week to relax and soak up some much-needed sun. After a promising start, DH and DD fell out a couple of days ago, but things seem to be okay again for now 🤞Think I'll go get a wee drink before dinner, so bye for now. Tin hats on, everyone! 🍹🍦☀️