Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Yes they are! Anyone else been cursed bc instagram is down? All my fault of course.

Can I join please? Could really do with some support and wisdom on 14 yo DS.

In a nutshell he is permanently vile to me, DH and DD. Verbally aggressive, stealing, drinking, destructive. He has suffered from extreme anxiety in the past resulting in school refusal and various school incidents. We ended up moving him to another school last term and he does seem happier at least on that count but general behaviour hasn't changed.

I think big part of our current and escalating issues are lack of clear boundaries and rules. I just feel we are winging it and dealing (badly!) with incidents as they happen. To my shame I seem to have taken my own parents 'hands off' line and with interspersed regular rows, just hoping for the best.
We have been inconsistent with poor behaviour,
not knowing what to let slide, and what to take a hard line on.

Where do we start to put this right? What boundaries/rules/consequences do you all have in place. I seem to have lost any viewpoint
on what is normal teenage behaviour and what is unacceptable . We have made sure we spend more quality time with him and try to talk with him, but unless there's something in it for him, he's not interested (I do know that's fairly typical behaviour !) I appreciate the need to tread carefully because of his previous MH issues but eqnually feel that may have stopped us parenting him effectively.

I completely get where you’re coming from there @teenagenonfanclub I ended up checking out almost if the parent role because I was worried it would trigger and it wasn’t worth the subsequent vileness towards me. Although mine was older when this happened.

I think at the moment to need to take baby steps. Hes been so awful it’s all got overwhelming. Maybe start by setting some obvious ground rules (no drinking, stealing etc) and agree suitable punishments. The. Take things as they come. The biggest thing you need to try and do is stay calm. Walk away at the aggression, unless he’s a danger to himself of course, and only engage when it can be meaningful.

Above all be kind to yourself, it’s too easy for me to type this not being in the middle of it with emotions running everywhere. Have a read through the thread, I posted a poem on page 1 and I think it was the previous thread where there was lots of psych adult child stuff that’s quite useful.

Tin hat on and try not to let it get to you 💐

that sounds really hard @teenagenonfanclub. Agree about ground rules - tell them to him if he won't discuss, print it out and have up, with some consequences (eg lose phone for verbal abuse - if you have control of it.) rewards might also work. Family meeting? Is there anything going into the nice side? Can you praise him for anything? I sometimes impose chores as punishment and then praise how very well they have been done. It often feels like there is no fun left but we can sometimes create easy, lowstress conversations, ie not about food, school, clothes or personal relationships. If you haven't I would also suggest hiding all your drink and lock everything up. No cash left lying around. It can be helpful to have a list of things that are non-negotiable (theft, violence, lawbreaking?), things that are negotiable (social life?) and things that he controls (clothes, hygiene?). I know it made me feel better when I did this though I can't say I have seen much signs of improved behaviour.

It's so easy for everything to feel unmanageable and the anxiety must make it so much harder.

Hi all. I feel awkward posting here but it seems a good place to offload. DS, 13 is constantly irritable and it's suddenly so hard to get him up for school. He always used to be wide awake at 6am. I found out he had a detention yesterday. I have always insisted he is seated away from disruptive peers and school agreed. (He has SEN and is vulnerable) Despite this, he's been seated next to the pupil that school wanted him to stay away from !
I'm exhausted from constantly being on edge with his irritability and worrying about school issues.
Dreading the 6 weeks "holiday". Trying to find something to do every day and DS often doesn't want to do anything if it's just with me. His friends are often away in the holidays and he gets lonely. DH is off for the last 2 weeks of the holidays . I'm trying to plan in some activities to get us out of the house. Otherwise they end up annoying each other . DH is not in good health so very limiting .
Anyone else's DC teen irritable constantly?

Yes. Constantly. I can usually say 2-3 things before he explodes. Roughly 3 explosions a day at the moment. Can this be normal? But i do think getting up later is totally normal at 13. School seems very stressful , perhaps particularly so at this stage of year when teachers are basically done !

Can I join I have two teenagers a 14 year old DD and a 15 year old DS. DS is really distancing himself from us which I know is normal but I miss him. Occasionally he is lovely but mostly going off the handle. DD is pretty much the same. I really miss my two lovely children who would hold my hand on a walk and cuddle up to watch a film with me...happy days (well when they weren’t fighting and arguing etc). If I smile at DD as I did this morning and think nice things. She mimics my smile, pulls faces at my me and says nasty things saying why do you always do this and she hates me and looks at me with contempt. I know I am an older over protective, probably over invested mum but I love them. I am finding it hard to like them.
Both their bedrooms are a bomb site but DD’s must be a health hazard. I hope they snap out of it soon. Dreading the summer I work part time was wondering if on the days I am at work one of them might hoover round or take the dog out or something but probably not they will be sitting around all day on Xbox iPads or phones and i am imagining every day will be a battle field. DH works long hours and his answer to everything is ‘just leave them’. I am tired of the sound of my voice and I would like to have some down time as well as being a cleaner/nag and not really liking liking myself much. Thank you for listening. Any advice welcome.

No advice @Daddylonglegs1965 but I totally sympathise. Pretty much the same here, in separate rooms glued to screens or in same room screaming at each other.

Smallest request to pitch in or just clear up after themselves results in WWIII; you'd think they were slaves

That’s exactly it teenageonfanclub I am glad I am not alone. I don’t want to be skivvying after them constantly and for very much longer while they take the pee lazying around lost in technology but nor do I want to be nagging them to clean their skid marks off the loo, put the cereal box they used away, pick that crisp packet up, make your bed please etc. I’m not massively house proud but I don’t want to live in a slum either but I don’t have the time, energy or inclination to do everything all the time.
I can’t stop pocket money as it’s already been stopped before it barely got off the ground neither of them go far and on the very odd occasion either of them are buying chips up town or going to the cinema we are so glad they are socialising with people and getting off gadgets that we give them money to go.

I am no expert but I’ve had some success with providing a list of chores to be done before WiFi goes on. I have given up on chasing around saying ‘pick up after yourself’ as it is soul destroying and ideally you want most of your interactions to be positive.

Thanks Aramox I am a bit of a dinosaur and technophobe. DH has sorted things out & our WIFI seems to stay on all the time and they both have some data. But that would be worth a go although these two will probably find ways round it.

we must share the same kids Daddylonglegs, even down to the skid marks (although TBF that could also be DH!)
My 2 were also given an allowance on the understanding certain chores were completed -walk dog, empty dishwasher, keep bedroom from becoming a biohazard etc. enthusiasm lasted a few days and then things slipped again very quickly so money stopped. They couldn't care less.

I am returning to work next month after a long stretch off and am utterly dreading the chaos that will ensue. Like you, I am not particularly houseproud but I just depair of how I spend hours tidying/cleaning only for it to be a shit tip within 20 minutes of them being home

How do you manage to limit the Wifi? We turn ours off, but dd just finds a 'hotspot' and accesses Wifi that way

Daddylonglegs and teenageronfanclub - same here. Sometimes, just to get dd off her devices, I am glad she is going out with friends and occasionally we offer her a small amount of money for that - but her behaviour and bedroom are so grim, I am not sure we want to part with money any more just so she can go out, so she will have to find something to do for free or just stay on devices if she insists. Depressing. I think most of the chores she should do anyway. I am not paying her to tidy her room, and emptying the dishwasher isn't exactly 3 hours down a salt mine.

@WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 that's what I want to know. Want to give them a fixed amount of time and night time curfew.

We can control the phone to a large degree with parental controls. It goes off after 3.5 hours use, and always by 9pm. But the laptop is a struggle. We have taken the iPad away completely.

Is that parental controls on their phones?

Just another fed up with it all parent to a teenager. He can be nice - when he wants to. But other times its exhausting and stressful.

I've just put out a separate thread about "consequences" for DS16, btw.

I have also turned off "wi fi" at 9 p.m. every night (via Sky router). I'd be pretty hacked off if he found a way to "hotspot" it, Alfie.

We use screentime on iphone to turn off phone. Much argument ensues.

I think we do share the same kidsteenagenonfanclub. I spent all morning cleaning up and they come in and want to dump rucksacks in one place shoes abandoned in the hall etc. It’s awful for you all but also comforting for me to feel i’m not alone in this.
DH has knocked the WIFI off at 8 but they go on the family IPAD and somehow set up hotspots.

Yes teenageonfanclub - we use Our Pact I think (she managed to disable another one), though I have just heard things pinging on it so maybe she has sidestepped this too. It’s a nightmare. Fifteen year olds are wowing Wimbledon and mine is just addicted to her phone...depressing

Can I join for support and wisdom? I'm at my wits end with DD 17 and spent this morning crying and this afternoon feeling really down..

Don't really know where to start... DD has no friends and is lonely. She seems depressed as she sometimes does not wake up until 5pm .... She hasn't had a shower in over a week when is is awake and not low, she is moody, crying, snappy, argumentative. I think she is depressed but she won't go to see Dr's

She hardly eats... She has a blood test which has come back with her having low vitamin d, Dr prescribed her vitamins but she hardly takes them.

She is at of first year A levels and tutor called us as she is struggling and received an ungraded result in her end of year assessment. She will not consider any alternative to A levels and tutor told her she will have to sit a test in September to determine whether she continues with A levels. She has told tutor that she will revise but I'm not convinced and she spends 70% of free time either asleep or lying on her bed either crying or watching TV. She says she wants to go to Uni but no interest in looking into open days or courses etc

She has just finished having counselling with PCAMHS and they have referred for an autism assessment.

She seems to be in a vicious circle, she isn't receptive to help and when she is awake, tells me to go away and leave her alone.... How I can stand by and watch her hurting so much, it is tearing me up... I try so hard to help... everyone keeps telling me to back off, but she has told me she has suicidal thoughts 😪 so how can I?

DH thinks she is using the possible autism diagnosis as an excuse for some of her horrid behaviour....

So much to unpick here, so grateful for any advice

Hi Sandwiches that sounds really tough for you and your DD. It sounds from the outside that maybe A levels and Uni aren't for her - or at least aren't for her right now? As she did so badly at her end of year, it doesn't sounds good for her staying on.

Are you able to have conversations with her about alternatives? Has she been doing any reading around Autism? Would a year out be viable for her? It sounds like the current situation is causing her massive stress and something has to give.

Personally I find one of the only ways I can talk to DS is when I am driving and he is sat in the passenger seat. No eye contact, and pretty much a captive audience. It also means I am more likely to think about my responses etc and therefore things are less likely to deteriorate into an argument.

Hi monkey I've tried to talk to DD about a levels, uni etc in the car, on neutral territory (Costa, McDonald's etc) she says she is going to turn things around etc. She even talks about going to Oxbridge At home she clams up and says it is too stressful to talk about it...