Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Year from hell. I’ve never so much as lurked on Mumsnet before. But I’m lying awake in tears. Again. And no end in sight.

My 17 yo daughter hasn’t come home in 9 days. Barely any communication. Just a text every few days - ‘I’m alive’. Her way of dealing with anything is to run away. It started with the odd night away without asking, and now 9 days straight. I don’t know who she is with, or where she sleeps.

She and her friends stole my car and wrote it off earlier this year. She’s been stealing money for months. She’s dropped out of college. I’m pretty sure her boyfriend did, or does drugs, but I don’t know if she does.

She comes from a stable home, and has never wanted for anything. I don’t understand where the rebellion is coming from, and I have no further consequences to inflict.

How can I encourage her to come home without seeming to reward this behaviour?

@Emmitz just wanted to send you and hopefully a bit of hope. I was very much like your daughter at that age. I took my mum's car without consent. I took drugs, I hung around with unsuitable people, I flunked 6th form and was asked to leave.

All I can advise is for you to keep the lines of communication open. Is your daughter now working if she's stopped college? Try not to criticise, as much as you want to.

It took me about 2 years of rebellion. I turned 18 and fell pregnant. My boyfriend at the time cheated on me and thankfully my mum was there for me to go home to. I'm now 31 with a wonderful child, I own my own home and have a good professional career. My mum is my best friend and I sincerely regret the years I must have sent her to hell. In my eyes, I was an adult and she had no right to worry. How little I knew!

I hope your daughter will come back to you soon, just let her know you're there for her. X

@Emmitz ....I was about to chalk up a bit of whingy spam about the day, but that seems pitifully trivial compared to your heartache. Hugs 💐 You poor poor woman. You've done nothing wrong but it just sounds to me like she's been susceptible and lost her way.
I suppose in these circumstances it's probably tempting to pour your bleeding heart out in those text responses. However I'd be tempted to respond with something like "Love you, hot shower and nice dinner here for you when you want it xxxx"..... see if the temptation of creature comforts might lure her back briefly. Also lock away money etc. You must feel so hurt inside. I'm so sorry.

We are struggling with DD depression. Sometimes I feel like this illness makes me hardly recognise her. DH And I are so often left hurt by her behaviour yet we cannot vent anger or hurt as she self harms and we are petrified she'll just take it out on herself. Sometimes all we'd like is a bit of an apology. It's really taking its toll. I feel like we've both physically aged a lot in the last month particularly.
Any pearls of wisdom on this appreciated.

Emmitz virtual handhold for you from me.

DS ran away last year when I went full on ragey at him when I found drugs in his room. It was hell. He has run away a few times since, but has come back eventually. The thing is for me though, is I think my response to finding the drugs was right.

Tinkobell hand hold for you as well. There is a fine line I think between appropriate levels of support and chastisement. Might be worth keeping a diary to chart her behaviour especially when she is on meds. FWIW, I self harmed as a teen. I used it as a release when things around me were out of control. The thing that worked for me was getting into martial arts, as it taught me self discipline, meditation, and built up my physical strength and confidence.

@notaflyingmonkey - thanks. We've tried to avoid real major showdowns (despite x 3 bottles vodka in room) because we know she's fragile. But any kind of confrontation is going to be painful for everyone. I know this isn't my fault rationally. You want to bang your own head against the wall with depression, patience was nevertheless my strength but I'm trying. I feel I've given my kids every opportunity to try out every activity under the sun over the years, I've encouraged without getting over invested in any one thing, I've willingly funded, driven around .....and now there's just depression and inertia. Sorry it's a rant that's all. I'm sure many feel the same.

Every single thing. Maybe we tried to hard! Is it too late to make some activity compulsory?

@emmitz handhold from me too, I agree with @tinkobell you almost need to ignore that she's being a total * and just answer with something like 'looking forward to seeing you home xx' Trying to analyse it or manipulate it just won't work at the moment, but I'm sure you know that. Just let her know the door is open and take things gently gently when she does come home.

I came on today to share something about DD2. As you know we have had a turbulent few years in the latter end of her teenage years and it did leave me feeling very fragile and I can not tell you all how much just being involved in this thread has helped me. It did start to get better after she had a series of B12 injections. She has since had blood tests to check the levels every time she was feeling a bit rubbish and like the MH was going down hill, but since the initial set of jabs they have reduced the qualifying levels so previous blood tests were borderline but she just had to live with it. She has got much better at handling it all so we've had less crap to deal with although you can always feel it bubbling under the surface. Finally today she's had the first of a new session of injections so we are hoping that she will be on the up again. It is always worth a trip to the GP yes much of it is normal teenage crap but you never know whats going on too.

@tinkobell please know that by giving her every opportunity, even if it doesn't seem like it now you will have given her an outlet for the future. Knowing you're good at something and enjoy something gives you a release as an adult, unfortunately at the moment she's still finding herself and again its the 'this stage will pass' mantra.

Whenever DS says I was never there for him, didn't support him, etc, I list all of the various sports and activities that I took him to, paid for, bought the uniforms, etc.

We are now having to move house as things got so bad that we can no longer stay in the area (mostly drug related).

I've taken a week off work to get the place ready to go on the market, and have had him painting walls for the last two days. Nothing special, but would have been impossible six months ago. I'm sure it feels like national service for him, but at least it gets him out of his bedroom and engaged in activity.

I’m so sorry, @notaflyingmonkey, and hope the move helps. I have sometimes listed all those things - ski trips, summer camps, centerparcs- to ds too. He sneers and says ‘you can’t buy love you know’. It’s very annoying.

Thanks Xerox my worry is, it's only a fresh start if he is prepared to start over. I can't just move house every year when he has burnt through an area. As it is I will be leaving a house that I thought was my forever home, my friends, a mortgage end date that was in sight, etc. All of which of course I would do in an instant to support him, if I felt the effort was reciprocated.

is it too late to make some activity compulsory? No! I'm voting for the reintroduction of compulsory National Conscription! Which party has that in the manifesto??? 😁
@Billybagpuss - absolutely about b12. Funnily enough went to an AA meeting the other night and a nice lad there talked about b12 and how important it is. But I can't get DD to do bloody anything! I bought patches a few months back and they're still on the desk. The inertia is so hard to contend with and naturally anything that comes from my lips is clearly ignorable.
@notaflyingmonkey - crikey that's tough, I'm keeping everything crossed for your move.
DDs gone for 5 days with mates on a beach trip. I'm of course on alert and standby. People keep telling me to get support.....but where the hell is it for parents? Been online, can't afford counselling. Any ideas please?!

Interestingly on the subject of B12, I have felt like I have had a cold for months now. Feeling tired, etc. I worked out that it was probably my ADs causing me to feel like that, so have stopped them, and started veggie iron tablets, and am feeling so much better already.

Just stuck a (rejected) b12 patch on myself 😁 I feel shit today because I'd started on St. John's wort for 5 days, felt a bit brighter then suddenly had to stop 2 days back when I found out it was a no no with mirena coil 😩

Any chance of workplace counselling?

@tinkobell, I didn’t know that about St John’s wort, I have been taking them with mirena coil; why is it supposed to be bad? i do think it helps’

@Fleetheart - read the leaflet inside the St Johns pack. Apparently it reduces the efficacy of any hormonal stuff...Mirena, implant or even HRT. Bummer. I've stopped. I think the likelihood of pregnancy unlikely though as of course Mirena coil has the physical protection of any coil plus the hormone. I now have a pregnancy stick sitting by the loo to use in a few weeks ☹️ But I'm not overly worried tbh, I'm an old girl and hardly Mrs Fecund!

@tinkobell, oh I see, thank you, I didn’t know that. My partner has had a vasectomy so I’m not too worried, the coil was mainly to deal with periods that had gone haywire. I’ve had it for 7 years now so it’s probably not got much hormone left. They told me to keep it in though, not sure for how much longer.... surely those periods would have stopped by now; hard to know!

Big squishy mumsy hugs to all of you going through shitty times this week.

I've just started a supplement for migraines but it has a side effect of increasing serotonin. I am starting to feel a little less anxious. www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/holland-barrett-5-htp-50mg-capsules-60018970

Could be worth a look if you're thinking of something for anxiety and depression...

Lots of love to everyone having a crappy time of it.

Dd1 surprised me yesterday by sending. Me a nice message in the morning wishing me luck for a little operation I was having. I was only in the next room and she could have come in and said it but I will take everything I can get at the moment.

Dd2 ignored it all together 🙄

Vitamin D supplements can really help with anxiety and depression too if you aren't getting your 15 minutes of natural sunlight everyday.

....while we are on the subject of meds / miracle supplements...I'm taking something called Advanced Neuro Night Complex (black bottle) off Amazon. I'm in week 3 and it's pretty good. Half an hour before bed and I'm definitely pacing about less. Of course if you've been really wrangled then you could be given something to knock out a horse and it wouldn't work. But jut thought I'd drop it in.
All quiet here on the western front today. Day by day......

Does anyone else get this jittery shakey thing going on? I know it sounds stress related for sure. V unpleasant.

I had the shaking hands as a side effect of my ADs. I have had some uncomfortable moments around senior people at work what I have been working with them and they've noticed. I'm pretty sure they thought I was a drunk (I'm actually someone who rarely drinks!).

Hi all. Just checking in and going Aaaaarrrrrrghhhhhhhh! 13 year olds are so hard....and breath!