Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Hi, I’ve just Googled ‘my teenager hates me’ as I felt like the worst mum in the world and I found this thread! I’ve only read a few messages but I seriously thought I was the only one going through this!

deseparatemuminneed welcome to the thread. It's like reading different chapters of a book. No one judges anyone we all have our own Ups and downs with our teenagers and it's good to have a read and sometimes it makes you feel better that you are not alone when you read the thread. When you are ready share your own story and get advice. Its It's always good to have a rant on here gets it out of your head for a while. Enjoy the read and hope you have a good weekend

Welcome! My kid is calling me unspeakable things and I have just turned out his light and walked away.

I would like to join please , will come back and RTWT later. DD, just 13, is generally a ball of drama, rudeness and angst.

H and I separated a few months ago so we have got that in the mix too.

H was very difficult to live with and generally too hard on her so there are positives to him not being here but of course he will always be her dad and I try to encourage her relationship with him every day (she isn't keen on seeing him at all which I know he finds hurtful).

Poor thing has developed acne (H suffered badly in his teens/twenties) and we went to see the GP in the week - a very positive experience.

Her room is a virtual pigsty - I spent two hours in there yesterday cleaning (have left it for months but it just was not happening). She was very grateful. She had previously insisted that she would do it herself.

I do understand that whatever it is she is dealing with she can only take it out on me but it is hard. I work really hard and our home life could be wonderful - a sanctuary from the world ... but it isn't.

DD did agree to see a counsellor (recommended for her positive results with adolescents) and I thought that might help her with H leaving at such a tricky life stage, she has probably had five sessions now. She seems to get on with this woman but tells me she would like to stop going as she finds it torturous. Not sure what to do about that really, it costs me £40 a week so if it is pointless I would rather her stop, but I cant help but think she should give it a few months.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, I will come back later - we are going to the beach for the day in the sunshine.

@MrsPMT - your post give me a lot of food for thought as some of the issues that you speak of i've been present in our lives recently. With regards to your family history, I don't think you should share this with your son right now or for the foreseeable future. In my opinion he's actually a really vulnerable stage both age wise and psychologically and his mind, if depressed, could take this information and grab it and take it off and completely the wrong direction.
Do you think your son statement suggests that he might be suicidal? And fortunately it's not a common for people when they are suicidal to have a deluded line of thought and believe that the world would be a better place without them and that they would actually be doing people a favour if they took their own life. Tell him how much you love him and that no matter how sad or depressed he feels he won't have around anyone to say is depressed and sad face. Tell him that he is no trouble to you and if you want to face life with his troubles to work through them.
There is a charity called PAPYRUS that deal with the prevention of youth suicide try and look it up online to get their number and leave it in a place where he can access it and a telephone. Another good charity to contact if he needs to chat with someone it's called EMERGE. The main thing is to talk to him. There is a big difference between having suicidal ideation and actually making plans towards taking his own life. However do you consider removing any items that you think could be of assistance to him should he go down the negative line of thought...we have had to do this I'm afraid.
Are you able to access any kind of talking therapy for him ? This is really the only way forward. Please don't regard this as some sort of inevitable sleep walk.....it can all be halted if steps are taken. Good luck 💐

Does any of you kind pots know if I need passports to fly from Belfast in Ni to Heathrow passports for 2 kids out of date june19 and we fly 2nd July.
I'm such an idiot for not checking.

No, because you are flying within the UK McMen

www.britishairways.com/en-gb/information/passports-visas-and-api#

@notaflyingmonkey....I have a similar situation to you! My DD also 18, post A level. You just want to wave a parental wand and make them happy again don't you. Hang in there. 💐 Day by day.

Thanks @Tinkobell, and back at you.

@notaflyingmonkey.....how many weeks into meds is he now? DD is 3 weeks...so v early days. 1st week was terrible as the side effects simply worsened everything. Now that's easing. We are just trying to support as best we can but we are worn out tbh, it's such a roller coaster each day. I read some nice advice on teen depression, it was to remind them that all the crazy stuff going on in their heads right now is just the depression (not them) and that the old person is still under there and will resurface with time, patience and the meds.

Tinkobell this is the third different type of meds he's been on, and they are they only ones that seem to have had a positive effect. He's been on them since the end of May, and things feel like they are in a fragile 'normal'.

He was actually diagnosed as bipolar recently, which explains why the ADs he was initially put on made him so much worse.

I've actually come off my own ADs, which I realise is a risk, as I realised I wasn't together enough to deal with things.

Evening, wishing everyone a easier week ahead. I have not been on the thread for a while as have been dealing with kids' exams which left me exhausted. My youngest DD who is 13 is away on a school trip. She is so angry and very negative about everything and everyone. It really wears me down. She has friends but seems to dislike them, claims they leave her out of conversations yet she moans about them talking about boring stuff, she seems to be invited to lots of things but then just never enjoys herself and instead sends millions of texts moaning about things. She had end of year exams which she was incredibly stressed about despite us saying it was no big deal. Saying anything to her brought out accusations of us not being supportive. She did incredibly well but she refused to share her results with her friends and told us they didn't matter anyway! On this trip she is sending us messages saying it's all crap and she hates every one and wants to come home. It's only day 1! I don't know whether it's just her negativity or that's she genuinely unhappy. I don't know how to help her. Any attempt on my part just results in making things worse. I even said a prayer tonight for her.

Hi Pots. Am currently on chunder duty. Ds went to a party tonight and is drunk as a skunk. Luckily one of his friends called me so dh and I picked him up armed with a bowl and some towels. He'll have a sore head in the morning... He's currently in the recovery position with a bin beside him. I'm sleeping next door with all doors open.

Ugh you poor thing! I’m hoping to get us some help for ds’s rages. I now feel unsafe when he threatens me. He cannot/ won’t accept our authority- now I know this is normalish for 13- but we can’t just back down to avoid confrontation!

@Blessthekids....in your position, I'd try not to become overly drawn in. By all means empathise (that everything and everyone is boring and crap) but I wouldn't rush to 'fix' it in anyway or look for alternatives. The fact that she's receiving a lot of invites suggests that others are in fact enjoying HER company ....you could point that out. It is very very early post exams, kids need time to decompress and destress. i also think at 13 you have a big dollop of puberty hormones going on there.

@Blessthekids - I agree with @Tinkobell. I’d let it go. She’s in a supervised place if there is anything seriously wrong. It sounds like she has got into a bad habit of complaining all the time.

Thanks for the advice. I think you are both right. It's hard not to rush in and put out fires but I think with teens it's not that simple. Will try to breathe through it

If she is really unhappy it may be good time for a conversation with about how she communicates with you there is a problem.

If all she is doing is just moaning, then I’d either ignore or respond ‘that’s a shame’ and leave it. If she has a real problem she needs to make it clear she wants you to do about it.

Listened to a podcast called parenting teens, it's very American but I took a lot of heart from them discussing this idea - it's not the job of a parent to save or shield their teens from every hurt and traumatic experience life presents them even if we might want to

Oh my god I am raging here.
Unpaid for DD to have a block of driving lessons for her birthday and have just found out she either cancelled or missed the last two so lost them so that's 100 quid down the drain.
I am so angry I could cry.
She has had no work so I don't even know if shes pissed them off too as her life revolves around seeing her boyfriend.
I've told her not to ask us for a single penny now but we go on holiday in 3 weeks and she has no spending money which is likely to impact on us all as she won't be able to join in with shopping etc
I literally feel hatred right now.

ledkr oh teenagers they really drive us mad. They know that no matter what they do we always give in and give them more money. We go on holiday tomorrow for 4 days and silly mum [that's me] let 2 of kids passports go out of date what an Idiot I am so now I'm not the perfect mum I think I am. I told dh and 3 DC its as all the ad stress use put me under

Just checking in.
Really struggling atm. Keep crying. Not good.

Ohhh. Have that cry. I cry every day atm. Teens fill you with adrenaline and the stress is really hard

oblomov xeroxarama I really understand your tears. I was like that worrying about dd1 until I started taking medication for anxiety. I have the odd moment now where I have cry but not every day like I used to and reading this thread really helps you feel like your not on your own . xx

for everyone who is hurting, angry or worrying tonight