Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Calm weekend here mostly thank you! I am despairing at my capacity to parent though. Ds has been so foul to us for the last year that we cave at any sign of niceness. He is trying weed and alcohol (is 13) and is impervious to anything we say as advice. Won’t take school seriously. I feel like my affection and commitment is running dry. I don’t know how parents with worse going on cope.

Not been on the thread for a while but sympathies to those going through shit times

DD's best friend (15yr) met a boy she befriended online last Saturday. Ended up staying out until 3.30am in the nearest city. Uncontactable and parents no clue she was ok. Ended up being a 'missing person' from 1am when the police searched her room. Then they eventually found them on a bus and the parents collected her from the police station at 4.30am!

Last night, my dd asked to go to a 'gathering' on Friday night with this lad. She's never met him. In a town 10 miles away. For the night.

I said no to all night but possibly yes to going for the evening. Cue ranting, shouting and being told to fuck off. This morning she's refusing to get out of bed and go to school. Probably cut herself too.

I feel like it's my punishment for saying no to her request.

It's difficult because we've really worked on trust between us in terms of where she is/goes but she seems to think that just because she tells me, she will automatically be allowed to go. And this is the result if I say no. Oh and threats to 'never tell me again where I'm going'.

Fucking hell. I hate parenting teens

It’s shit isn’t it. Where are the good bits?

God knows xero.

And how do we learn to angst less and put energy into our own lives?

I try very hard to do this.

Today, after she refused to get out of bed I've just left her to it. I'm not engaging with someone who just swears, rants and raves at me. I still can't believe she thinks I'm unreasonable not letting her stay out all night, somewhere I dont know!

Although she is so very stroppy and moody, we do tend to rub along ok because I have learnt how to 'manage' her! . It's when she doesn't get her own way all hell breaks loose, or if anyone dares to stand up to her, she just can't handle it and becomes such a bitch!

I just keep telling myself she's not the only teen doing it and she won't be like it when she's 30!! (I hope!).

That's what gets me through.

@pasanda teens drive us mad
You did your best offering to let her go out but not all night like what do they think they are doing to us mums.
My dd nearly 16 said she was going out with a boy for 4 months I was letting her stay at his but she was actually with a boy I never heard off. I was gutted with her lying. Grounded her for a week and took phone off her.
She threatened to run away. I was so mad I told her to run on but she actually choose to go to bed and dealt with her grounding quite well. I gave phone back last night.
She said she lied because she didn't want me to be stalking and trying to find out info on new boy but im sure all mums are like this we like to know at least their name.

Xero. I never tell dd she's vile, or horrible or a bitch or whatever. It would backfire so badly. She needs to know I love her whatever. I have learnt to keep quiet during most altercations tbh. It amazes me though how she can be vile and yet 10 mins later act as though nothing has happened! When she does this, I try to just carry on where we left off and forget the strops.

I actually find this quite easy now (it's taken time to get to this point tho!). It keeps our relationship ok (ish!).

Not sure if I'm doing it right or not but I'd rather that than living in ww3!

Agreed! Sounds like you are doing amazingly. Here I think ‘you can’t tell me what to do’ (which I get allll thr time) actually means ‘I wish you couldn’t tell me what to do’.

Hello, hello everyone!

Apologies in advance for this "woe is me" post!

I'm really really sorry for being so absent from the thread atm. I am undergoing a few health issues (eye/migraine related) which means I need to keep away from screens. Also dealing with a combo of builders and visitors (and mice - nice!) and everything is a bit chaotic here atm tbh and I am a bit overwhelmed with it all.

And I may as well mention now that I will be travelling and am only going to have intermittent Internet access throughout July and August so I apologise in advance for my future absence too!

The many posters on here do such a great job of supporting one another and long may that continue, but if someone else would like to take over running the thread until Sept then please feel free if you would like to do so.

Before I pop off again I just wanted to say that sadly I haven't heard anything from MN HQ about a PoTs Q&A with an expert panel but I suppose they are busy re-arranging/redesigning the site atm so maybe they will have more time after the holidays?

And YY to Xerox's "where is the joy?" comment. To answer frankly, there isn't much in our household currently. Just a load of angst and drama and I am sick of it (to the point of being physically ill I think). I just want to run away from it but instead am facing nine weeks of moodiness and tantrums (with builders and visitors on top). We have suggested lots of things she could do (outside of travelling with us) which has involved travelling to various friends and relations in various parts of the world, but she has rejected most of them before we have even finished the sentence! I despair! I have started to argue with dh about it too because I can't bear the thought of a repeat of last summer!

I agree with Pasanda that we need to step back. Quietly affirm love and support and say we'll listen when they can be civilised. I find it VERY hard though, especially as you say, when they have said something like "I wish you were dead" , and then saunter in 10 mins later and want to be best friends like nothing has happened It really gets to me! And I don't believe the "sorry(s)" anymore because she just constantly repeats the behaviour.

In summary, I feel exactly the same way as you a lot of the time WhoopiGoldberg'scat

Glad your dh has seen the light Machinebee! That is real progress!

Tarrara I hope job search is going too well and interviews not too onerous/stressful. I can imagine it all feels like way too much currently

McMen71 so sorry about latest developments but good to hear that your dd accepted her grounding well.

Waves to Tickling Billy Tinkobell Fudges Xerox RandallandHopkirk MrsBlondie Fleetheart Notaflyingmonkey and all other Po Ts (sorry can't scroll down further).

Wishing you all well throughout the summer and sorry to be abandoning ship temporarily xxx

Billy my thoughts will be with you and your dh this summer . I hope the operation and subsequent treatment goes well x

My dd never says sorry.

She (possibly quite rightly) reckons that even if she did say sorry, for example for being late getting in the car to get to the bus stop every fucking morning , I would say something like 'well you're not sorry are you otherwise you would get ready on time'.

So, by her logic, what's the point of saying sorry in the first place if I don't believe she is! Arrrg teenage logic!

@Pegsinarow no need to apologise, we all have our own things going on. I just feel this page good to get something out of your own head.
Just actually typing lets it be free for a few moments anyway.

Good luck with the houses over the summer and your travels
What is your dd going to do. What are you doing for her birthday we have nothing planned as she is to start a part time job the week before so will need to see her hours before I plan anything.

We are off to London next week so won't be on either for a couple days.

@billybagpuss hope your dh is doing well
@pasanda they all love the bed and staying on phones.
@Xeroxarama hope you can get through to your ds about the drugs its so hard to keep an eye on them 24/7

Pegs - thanks for taking the lead on the thread.

You really don't have to though. I would find it really stressful having to keep up with everything everyone posts and then feeling I needed to respond. Just because I started it. (maybe that's just me though!! )

I hope you have a good summer and your dd chills out a bit. Enjoy the travelling, although if your dd doesn't come with you, please don't tell me she's staying home alone!

Mcmen- I would be SO pissed off if dd lied for 4 months. I'm not surprised you grounded her etc. Sometimes I wonder what they think they should be allowed to get away with. It beggars belief really!

Mcmen. I have her phone. There's no way I was giving that back this morning if she cba to go to school. She's in the middle of exam week too!

I've just got back in and it doesn't look like she's left her room. Alright for some...

pegs hope you have a better summer than your last one was.
Let's all keep spilling out our troubles on this thread. I find it helps, because when I tell anyone irl how my son behaves, they say things like 'well I wouldn't have my son speaking to me like that, he wouldn't dare!'
Yeah, thanks for that, really helpful.. Not.
Keep on going peeps, and seek comfort that you're not the only ones, and it's not your fault, bloody teenagers!!

Thanks Pasanda and McMen71 hope you and all the Po Ts on here can have a bit of relaxation this summer too!

And to reiterate, I have really gained huge amounts of perspective from this thread and have really learnt (learned?) a lot from everyone's posts on here so hope I haven't come across as too moany! It has really helped me be more patient with dd (well as patient as I ever get in hot weather!).

Pasanda and McMen Lord no! Sorry, haven't explained that very well. Giving minimal details to try and stay slightly anonymous! To be clear, DD definitely NOT staying home alone! She will be travelling with us abroad for two weeks plus two long weekends. And we are fortunate to have decrepit holiday home (where we are hoping to retire one day and where builders will be for part of summer) and she (and her friends and visitors) will be coming with us there for rest of holidays. It's just that friends in other countries, and aunts in UK and France, have invited her to stay with them (she is very lucky to have these offers) and so far she has rejected them all. You can lead a horse to water etc ... . I don't think it is about holiday choices per se tbh, more about how she is feeling in herself. Any suggestion is wrong atm! So I have stopped trying to suggest things ifyswim ... .

Huge waves to one and all!

Hang in there Po Ts!

Thanks Whoopi and indeed - it is SO good to be able vent freely among those who (a) understand and (b) won't judge. Wishing you a good summer too!

Can I slip back into the group and rock silently in the corner? We are mid year 10 exams week here and OMG the stress!!! Obviously it is all my fault....where is his timetable?...where is his pencil case? All of which I do not know the answer to because I was not the last one to have it.

We are on bargaining terms with the revision. He wants to go to girlfriend/not girlfriends house for tea on Saturday so am wanting to see some revision effort put in for that!

I am desperately hoping that the end of term will bring less stress, shouting, face timing and snap chatting. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to him going to explorer camp in the summer holidays (ten days in foreign country so no sneeking back!).

I may not post much on this thread but I do read it regularly and hope that with the support of each other we can get through this.

Rock away Anotherlover . Can certainly identify with the exam stress! Feel almost physically bruised by it. Here's hoping for calmer waters ahead for you and your ds this summer! Enjoy those 10 days!

can i join this group? feel like i have spent the last 2 years in a deep hole with only tiny glimpses of sunshine. If i say black, dd (14) says white, if i say 2, it's 3. Feel like we have totally lost control in our own home (which i no longer want to be in, because dh just pacifies dd and watches Netflix or sport). i don't recognise my life anymore. On the upside, I now absolutely love my (not so great) job because it ISN'T my s**t home life.

You are very welcome WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 and that all sounds v familiar indeed. Can really identify with the crappiness! I'm sure many others on here will do too!

Thanks Pegs. Another rubbish evening here - dd picks up dinner plate and goes to eat in her room - giving me the death stare - and 3 polite requests to return a sleeping bag and mat to neighbours (they had lent it to her for DoE) just ignored. Dh says: i’ll do it

@WhatsitallaboutAlfie1, that made me laugh- the fact that it makes you love your job 🤣. Understand that so well. My DS is argumentative, Black is white etc etc, he finds me so boring when I talk about how I hate him smoking weed, or when I talk about school. He seems to exist in a parallell universe. It depresses me really....

Am I the only one dreading the long summer holiday? DS hasn't been stable with his MH for a while now, but at least during A levels he had a focus of sorts. Now they are over, I worry that he may go off the rails again, and go back to smoking weed, acting out, etc. A part of me hopes that he has grown up enough to realise that it is so bad for his MH, but I am not convinced. I guess I have 8 weeks or so to find out.

Dd1 was ungrounded today went out changed time for collection but said ill be home for Love Island so I got dh to pull out a cable so tv wouldnt work.
She had a wee huff and in bed now.
Im feeling quite chuffed