Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Me too! I just saw ds bragging on social media he was going to spend it in the park with a bong.he’s 13 ffs! Thankfully he and we are away for a lot of it. I don’t know how to get through to him - or if we’ll survive holidaying together. We have nothing in common any more :(

Fleetheart - I feel your pain. Whatever happened to decent conversation? I used to spend hours listening to my mum droning on. If I’d even rolled my eyes, she would have given me a hard time. We used to cuddle up on the sofa and watch Dallas (think I was 14 then). Simple times but much better ones.

I rue the day mobile phones were ever invented I think. The amount of issues they cause around policing use. Plus they totally destroy any family time (if you take them to force them out it's spoiled anyway because of the mood that ensues-if you don't they are not engaged because they are on the bloody thing all the time) and they make it so tricky to ensure that kids aren't being overly influenced by other people 24/7. At least there was a break when we were young-you were at home and away from everything for a bit-now they are 'with' their friends on mobile all the time-I think it makes it doubly hard to get through to them.

I could hear dd on hers for two hours last night. Some big group chat which at first I thought was sweet but later realised was a bit of nastiness about a girl in their group that there had been an argument with. They were all winding each other up. This girl was at our house on Saturday night and everything was fine.
I have to say I've gone ballistic at dd because I hate bullying in any form and that's what this felt like. Yep they will all fall out-year 8 girls are terrible for it-but to have 8 girls on a chat slating someone else-not on at all.
Dd doesn't care what I think obviously. I told her I don't recognise the person she is when she is involved in this kind of thing-and that she's letting herself down-and how would she feel if it were here etc...not even a flicker of the eyelid-it just doesn't go in.

Dd2 repaired to the garden to do yoga under the tree. I wish I had gone with her.

historysock - I will happily join you doing yoga under a tree. I have got to find something which induces calm/meaning/sanity to life.

Yes to yoga. Invisible to mocking teen eyes. On phones, I still check my ds’s at 13. There’s often evidence about dodgy stuff - if I didn’t check I wouldn’t know. And maybe I shouldn’t. It would certainly improve our relationship!

Hi, can i join please?

I am parent to ds, 15 come Sept, and dd, 12 next month.
Both have been diagnosed with Autism in last year (having moved from neighbouring area where we were ref to SS for asking for assessment, so we have already been 'through the mill' sadly)

Both are in mainstream, both hugely compliant at school but let it all out at home, both get very very anxious. Ds has just started cutting himself and school want me to contact GP. Dd is school refusing and her attendance is now 75%. Neither should stay in their current schools next year. Ds is badly bullied but 'doesnt want to move', Dd will refuse altogether unless she does move. I've had to give up work, i'm in the middle of nowhere and I am now a single disabled parent on benefits (insecure position, anyone?) just doing my best.

My mental health is okay, but I have cried 3 times today.

Once when read the Teenager's 'Letter to a Parent'

Once when my ds' school had me in earlier about the cutting

Once when my dd showed me the poem she'd written during the 2 hours she managed to stay in school

I thought being a disabled single mum to two toddlers with autism was hard, but I have a feeling that the teenage years will be harder.

Hi all, so sorry to have vanished since last week....I missed you all!! I genuinely did! The bloody ACCEPT bar wouldn't let me into thr mumsnet website, so frustrating when this is my only source of personal 'therapy'.
@Pegsinarow - builders and mice, been there, done that. Hope your eyes and migraines get sorted.
@StripeyChina - self harming is so tough on parents, I'm there and it stabs you in the heart. I'm starting to try and understand it though and this helps. Often kids cut or hurt themselves because they don't like themselves or because they don't know any other way of dealing with strong feelings or because it brings a physiological "calm" after doing it. Try and access therapy via CAMHS or elsewhere for support on this. I believe DBT can Be very effective for self harmers. My DD is receiving CBT as part of her depression treatment. But DBT focuses on acceptance and change. Also remove razors, knives, clippers, scissors etc but do provide good plasters, antiseptic cream etc.
My DD's journey is going to be a long one. You have to change your horizons and take life day by day. V tough.

@StripeyChina....also ASD can be v alienating. My DS is borderline with many traits. He has a gang of similar mates and they look out for each other....what's your DS social situation?

Welcome @StripeyChina that sounds very very hard. What happens for the rest of this term? And is your GP any use? Hang in there and please offload if it helps.

Hello all,

Thank you so much for all the good wishes. DH is going in the right direction BP is coming down (he finally accepted the tablets, and we have a holiday coming up right before the op which the doctors are fine about.

We had a lovely quiet week last week as DD was away on holiday. the house was clean, now they're back and its not anymore.

@historysock I can completely relate to the group chat thing, they are vile. When we were young any arguments and nastiness as school had the night to calm down and get into perspective, now they spend hours raking over it and blowing it up into a complete frenzy. I am convinced this is why todays kids suffer so much more with MH issues than previous generations.

Also what a pp was saying about curling up on the sofa and watching TV with mum, I used to do that, I never do that with my DCs they all have their own devices.

@pegs, hope you're doing ok. and well done @mcmen :)

Thanks, Tinkobell
Ironically, I had to stop work as a CBT therapist so I have tried to put basic CBT into practice with both of them (not trained in DBT though).
School still want me to take him to GP (which I think might make it worse but I cant exactly refuse?)
Thanks, Xeroxarama I was thinking of asking the GP to sign him off till the end of term. He's completely exhausted.

Dd is volcanic so although shes not quite a teen I'm still hoping to gain some tips from here. Ds i can talk to, Dd just clams up and I'm getting lots of 'you cant make me' stuff. This includes washing (self) leaving the house, anything really. AGain ASD but v different to Ds.

I too think that mobiles (dd doesnt even have one yet but ds does) and Minecraft have a lot to answer for - a total flashpoint.

I don’t know if this would work for your dd, but I have a very oppositional teen and have had best success with backing right off but saying ‘I expect it done ( by...).’, ignoring all refusals and walking away. Or, when you ‘ve done xxx I will do bla bla that you want me to.

Hi, catching up and checking back in, so stressful being A PoT, unmumsnetty hugs to everyone going through a difficult time

My DS (14) school refusing has calmed a bit, we had a long talk about whats possible, I explained that there was no way I could home-school (think he thought if he refused enough I'd cave) and think he appreciates that I've actually considered it.

But, his references to "not wanting to be here anymore" are worrying me. As I said before I have had lots of MH issues throughout my life and am really worrying that he's headed that way and not really sure what I can do about it. On the positive side, I know he knows he can talk to me about (most) things, and I def didn't feel that way about my DParents. My DMum was (and still is) a catastrophiser (probably not a word but never mind!) and very naive, she was a young Mum and not at all worldly wise.

A biggie for me is DPs sister took her own life at age 21 (years ago, before DS was born), DS doesn't know this, he has been told she died in an accident, we didn't want to tell him as its a difficult thing to deal with. But, as he's got older I wonder if we should tell him, so we can express how much she was missed etc, and how we all wish she'd asked for help. DPs family are a "don't talk about bad things and they won't happen" type and I haven't discussed this much with DP.

Sorry for such a long and whingy post, just had some tears today thinking about how DS seems to be feeling

Hi PoTs,

Sorry to hear that there have been some dramas in teen world. Stay strong everyone x

pasanda do you think your dd will try and go on Friday. Well done for removing the phone.

pegsinarow hope the migraines aren't too bad. I've been back to the Drs and come away with beta blockers but haven't taken them yet as I'm on wk 3 of acupuncture and want to give that a go first.

Anotherloverholeinyohead I officially hate exam stress. We just have Btec assignments to finish now but they are awful too!

StripeyChina My ds is ASD and I think it's crippling for him at times. There is so little support for them.

billybagpuss glad dh's bp is down . Good news.

historysock Fleetheart WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 yy to hating the invention of phones and social media for teens.

MrsPMT sorry your ds is down at the moment. Do
Well I've been in an interview all day and spent hours waiting to hear that have been successful, they said I seemed nervous. I felt like asking them if they had a teen like mine... DS has gone off to a friends but is in an awfully low mood as he's struggling to finish college work but not letting me help. He needs it done by tomorrow and is now in avoidance mode/self sabotage. I'm literally tearing my hair out. So now, as well as affecting my mh, it's now going to affect me financially too .

Onwards and upwards...

Congratulations on your new job Tarrarra

Gah, should have said unsuccessful, not successful... I didn't get the job...

:( bad luck. I think ds is depressed. But he won’t talk to me or anyone and it’s become embedded in his worldview. I don’t know if he’d talk to a counsellor even if we got him there. Unless someone on instagram suggested it...

Can you take him to the gp Xerox? May be a starting point?

Unfortunately no he won’t. We actually got him to one counselling session a while ago but he won’t go back. Think it looks scarily exposing/‘wet’.

Hi everyone- been a hectic few days workwise for me. All quiet here thankfully- my DSSs are post GCSEs and A levels.

One small win though. Because of my busy work schedule I wasn’t around for youngest’s music lesson. His teacher comes to the house and understandably insists an adult is around when he’s at our house. DH asked his 18 yo to be here in case DH wasn’t back from work in time. DSS simply said he didn’t feel like doing it. DH was not impressed and muttered to me when I got back, ‘why do we bother doing anything for him when he does nothing for anyone else’. This is a major break through for DH. And shows the power of stepping back - I had no choice this time as I simply couldn’t get back from my own meeting without a Star Trek transporter. So I had to admit defeat and ask DH to sort out the logistics. In the end it was sorted by DH having to leave work very early to get back in time. Something that I, and I suspect more Mums than Dads, do all the time. It uses up goodwill favours at work and doesn’t look great at review time.

It is hard isn’t it? My DS - year 10, not remotely interested in school. They’ve now put him on a reduced timetable, to try and focus on the basics. But actually because of his lack of motivation I don’t think it will help. And he just won’t share what’s going on in his mind. So hard, really depresses me..

hi all op's long summer ahead now Mine all on Summer break from yesterday.

@fleetheart so hard to keep them focused but probably best he does fewer subjects might help him better and he can always do further study when the time is right for him.

@MachineBee good to see your dh stepping up, Mine leaves all the worrying and organising to me. he does most of the collections when they go out but I have to organise times and places.

@Xeroxarama my dd tells me Im making her depressed when she is not getting her own way. Hope your ds is ok. keep talking trying to distract him.

@Tarrarra so sorry you didn't get the job. Hope your ds got college work finished.

@billybagpuss hope you have a lovely break and glad your dh is doing well.
@Staywithmemyblood hope things are going well for you.
@Pegsinarow hope your migrane is better and enjoy your break.

I went back to child - child last night and had a full on rant over and back for 2 hours. Im ruining her life wanting to see who she is with can she not have privacy. I reminded her she had been lying for 3 months about bf and I now have to work up to trusting her again.

I left my 3 a list of chores to do while Im at work so here's hoping that they will do a wee bit.

Hope you all enjoy the lovely weather and have a peaceful weekend.

DS is 18 and has had a really poor experience with MH services to date with CAMHS, private counselling etc. To a point, I think he wasn't ready for it. I don't know if he is now either. But we took him for an adult mental health assessment with the NHS this week, and I have to say, the service was bloody brilliant. We had abour 2 hours with a Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) who did a very thorough assessment, and then about half an hour with a consultant. What they said was they would then review DS's case with their team, and would get in touch with recommended next steps.

This last year has been hell. DS's MH has been so bad, and everywhere I have gone for help, it hasn't been forthcoming. I told myself in March that the next episode would be the one that I would section him for. However, since then the private consultant we have been taking him to has got him stable on meds.

What happens next, I really don't know. I don't know what this summer will bring with DS and his behaviour. For now he is taking his meds, and is stable, so it really is one step at a time as we try and build towards something approaching normal.

Tarrarra bugger - I am sorry.

Although I am a teacher too and at my lowest level with DS I found it very difficult to go to work and be concerned about other peoples children when I was so concerned about mine - and couldn't do anything to help him.

It's better now - that may just be acceptance rather than the situations being any better but I am glad I stuck with my job.