Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Tarrarra Glad your DS is home.

I am dreading what sort of behaviour the long summer break will bring as DS is on a knife edge currently, having managed to work very hard at the last minute on his A level exams, I reckon he is about to slip back to his old ways of weed smoking etc.

We binned his smart phone a few months ago, and he has got an old Nokia with no internet etc, it's literally just a phone with family numbers in it. I highly recommend it for when DCs are being dicks about staying out etc.

I know @Xeroxarama. I did have to ask for it but it was given none the less. He had a really bad headache (hormones again, he suffers), and was glad Id kept his dinner as when the headache went he was starving!

How old are these teen's staying out til 1pm etc and all night. Maybe I shouldn't be reading as we are not yet at this stage!!

MrsBlondie ds is 17. I normally ask him to be home by 12.30 on a weekend, earlier on a school night. He is adamant that the rest of the teenage world stays out until whenever they feel like it with no parental angst. I let him stay out later if there is a special occasion like a birthday party. I generally don't allow him to stay over unless i know where he is and who he is with, mainly because he has lied in the past about staying somewhere and being somewhere else entirely....

How are things with your DS today tarrarra?

Billy - sorry to hear about your dh. My friend’s husband was diagnosed a few years ago with prostate cancer. He had an operation and has been fit, well and cancer free since. I do hope it is as straight forward for your dh.

Everyone else - stay strong. Bloody teenagers. My dh is so terrified of upsetting dd he just won’t back me up (if not completely undermines me) if I say anything she doesn’t like - which frankly can be anything I say at the moment. It is making me resent him and putting nasty little cracks in our relationship. I wish he could see the damage it’s doing to us.

@Randall...general snarkiness Is just part of the course I'm afraid ....I get that tonnes from DS16 but a lot of love too, so that helps. With your DH, I'd honestly go and have a private chat and agreement together on backing each other up. It is essential or your DD will literally run circles around you both. Nothing wrong with having a good cop / bad cop guise every now and then, but the red lines need to be set and agreed to by both. As they get older, you and your DH will find that the boundaries get pushed more and more and your behaviour now as a couple is important. I have some red lines which have been challenged over the last 2 years. They are

• I don't want DD's BF and DD sleeping together in our house....sorry my house and I'm old fashioned.
• no alcohol the day before or day car is driven.
• transparency on money
• phone on and whereabouts shared.
• you need to find a job and work during the summer break.

These are things that are close to my heart. I feel very strongly about them. Your DD's life might not be this complex YET, but it will come soon enough. Your DH may not like himself the things that he ultimately gets arm twisted into. He needs to stop worrying about loosing the approval of his DD and see that she'll respect him more if he's not a lifelong soft touch.

@tinkobell thanks. I’ve talked to dh about this many times but it has no impact. He thinks I’m too tough (I’m really not). She has manipulated (and that’s an emotive word, I don’t know how intentional it has been) the situation beautifully by, on
the rare occasion he has been tough, totally overreacting, sobbing, screaming, shouting, hyperventilating etc. Now dh is too scared to say anything about the most minor issue. I’m at my wits end with the situation but I will keep trying.

I agree on your red lines although dd isn’t driving yet so that’s one bridge we haven’t had to cross yet (thank goodness).

Thank you all for the best wishes, we are hoping it will be very straightforward I think we've been very lucky as they believe it is early days and he's booked in for an operation at the end of the summer.

@Billy....good stuff and you have to see it that way, that you've been v lucky!! !

@Randall....oh dear. You could just take a chill perspective and she'll probably grow out of these tantrums, because that's what they sound like. Really he ought to just hold his line, detach and walk away - especially if he finds it distressing. Could you team work on this, he walks away and you restate the line? Be careful of she'll play you both like a fiddle. There are posters (Machinebee) who have by their own admission had their relationships harmed by their teens because they have that ability to make you question and test one another's values and loyalties.

So true, it’s divide and rule here - he has us at loggerheads. I asked one question about school (mis)behaviour and got a stream of abuse.

Hello all! Sorry to have been awol again. A bit hectic here!

Just popped in to say to Billybagpuss that I am so pleased they have caught it early. Facing surgery in the summer is not a nice prospect for your dh (or you) but hopefully all will go smoothly and recovery will be quick xxx

Tarrara great your lad is home

Take care of yourselves Po Ts! Hope to bbl to respond in more detail to individual posts!

Notaflyingmonkey thanks for asking, things were calmer yesterday but today I haven’t managed to get him to college, he has been on a bit of a comedown from the weekend activities and the stress of me “having a go” I think. CAMHS appointment today, but not sure this will help or make things worse.

RandallandHopkinreborn Ah, the treading on eggshells. Not always a bad thing, but has to be tempered with a little bit of tough love sometimes. As usual Tinkobell’s advice is spot on! DH and I recognise the stress that has been put on our relationship and are holding on, and trying to work together more, singing from the same hymn sheet.

Billybagpuss glad you have a date for the op xxx

Going to try and get ds out of bed again....

Good to hear it’s been caught early and treatment is arranged @Billbagpuss. Wishing you both all the best.

@RandallandHopkirkReborn - I can confirm the relationships do get damaged if you’re not both on a the same page. My DH is another who can’t handle confrontation but due to some big crises with his DD he has now realised that he has to behave differently. He is really trying hard to handle things better and he’s letting me support him with this, which is a huge thing.

It’s a very small thing to most, but at the weekend he fucked up royally with weekend arrangements for a family (my family) wedding later in the summer that has been arranged for over a year 🙄

Instead of just shutting down when said I wasn’t best pleased, he set about sorting alternative arrangements and then actually apologised!!!!! Sorry isn’t something I hear from him for days usually.

(April’s for detailing thread with DH problems, but I do believe there can be a link with some DPs and problem teens)

Grrr. Apols not April’s!!!

@RandallandHopkirkReborn - often an inability to 'handle' high emotion runs in families. This is speculation, but I wonder if your DH's struggle with DD stems from skeletons from his own upbringing? He should consider this, it's not in anyway a criticism but an opportunity for us to perhaps try and do things a bit better, if we can. I think your DH needs to ask himself what kind of DD he wants to raise.....a girl who can articulate and put across a reasoned point of view or a girl who uses tears and showdowns to get her own way? Honestly, I'd try and nip that behaviour in the bud while you can.
All quiet on the western front here today. Thank goodness. Exams are done, yay! DD I think (hope) starting on a track of help. Our post traumatic anxiety is hanging on. I feel pretty teary but hoping that's going to ease with time.

You make an excellent point @Tinkobell. My own DHs father died when he was young and his older siblings really struggled and caused a lot of problems I was told. He learned to keep his head down ... and has been doing just that ever since.

Glad things are quiet for you atm.

Hi POTS. Am still following thread with interest. Thanks for a wealth of knowledge and experiences to draw on. Trying to adopt new approaches....ups and way more downs....in it for the long haul. Big hugs to you all

Something I do keep doing....I regularly tell dd she is 'vile'.. cos she is! She knows she's loved but the endless selfishness and rude chat makes me boil and generally does end with me telling her i cant believe how vile she is. Is it good to let them know a few home truths...or is it child/child behaviour? I worry that I'm damaging her by keep saying this...but sadly, it's true ☹. Neither of us can stand her at the moment....we love her, we'd die for her...but we don't like her much. Makes me sad...i thought I'd given DH the best gift...he used to adore her!! 😭

Morning all.
Felt really down today as pictures of sons school prom all over social media.
He didn't go, he only has a couple of friends who didn't go either. It makes me so sad to see my friends sons in pictures beaming smiles all looking forward to the prom, the after parties etc.
He said he's not the type to get invited to parties, although he'd love to be. He says it's just for 'the popular kids' Hes just sat in his room on his xbox. I've tried so many times to encourage him to make more effort with friends but he has no confidence.
Makes me so sad and i wish I could help him, but he hates me and his dad at the moment and barely speaks to us.

Oh that is so hard. For you perhaps even more. Comparison is awful. i have it too. Another evening of rage here. When we lose it and tell ds he is vile , etc, he holds it against us for weeks. It’s risky.

Thread all quite hope its a good sign that all our teens are good.
My dh and 3 kids are all sick so Im just wait for the next person each time I help one then its another one.
My 2 teens have been very good this week so the grounding is over for dd1.

mcmen71
Glad your teens have been good and also hope that everyone is having a calm few days.
Unfortunately I haven't.
Son really vile to me yesterday, I confiscated his phone for a consequence on him hitting his sibling age 9. He called me a fat pig, and said he hopes I die of cancer. He's so awful, I spent most of the rest of the day in tears. I know I won't be judged on this thread for saying this but I really hate him at the moment.
I just want this to be over. Its taking over my thoughts all the time and I feel on the verge of tears constantly.
I don't feel like speaking to him, I don't even want to be in the same room as him and feel I need to keep my distance.
But on the other hand I can see he is a sad, lonely boy with no friends. I don't know how to make it better.

WhoopiGoldbergsCat I understand where you are coming from with the prom issue. DS didn't go to his last year and I watched everyone else post their proud mum posts on social media feeling like I had failed him somehow. I also relate to your wish to feelings of dislike and wishing to disengage a little and being able to see that although it's a symptom of his sadness, it doesn't make it easier to deal with! No advice, but solidarity!!! We are all facing similar situations, and all have that feeling that it overwhelms us and takes over our every waking hour.

mcmen71 Go you! Lovely to hear you have a bit of respite from the behaviour!

Xeroxarama hate it when they hold a grudge. Mine was like that earlier in the week...after I said I felt that he didn't care about me. Remember it will pass (for me, usually when he needs something).

Fudgecakes keep going. It's good that you are trying different approaches and hopefully something will pay off.

I'm desperately trying to fill in application forms for jobs for September whilst also thinking how awful it will be to be somewhere new next year. Current job is now saying they may have something for me, but won't know until a few weeks time. Teaching interviews are horrible... a whole day each time and a combination of observed teaching, interview, written tasks. The thought of this at the moment feels like too much, but I haven't much choice!

@WhoopiGoldbergsCat hope today was a better day.

Hope calm weekends have been had all around