Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Um, I did Ticklingcheese (see post to McMen71 at Fri 07-Jun-19 10:05:38). I also said that I thought it in all likelihood came from a place of "jealousy" simply because that was my direct experience, because my dd used to dance quite seriously too, and she received ribbing for it at school (not homophobic ribbing in that instance as it happens).

(When I say jealousy btw, I don't mean it quite literally; can't think of the correct word for what some people do to others who have an interest or activity outside their own experience or interests. )

And I can't see it now but I am sure someone else picked up on it, but as ever on here, people are dealing with difficult and wide-ranging issues, and the thread is fast moving, so if it wasn't picked up on sufficiently, I am fairly certain it wasn't because people weren't horrified but just that everyone has a lot on their plates atm.

Apologies if that was your impression though. Homophobia is abhorrent. Schools should be right on top of prejudices of any kind, and should be supporting pupils who are gay or who are in the process of discovering it.

Ok, pegsinarow the first post and the lack of response actually made me quite sad. I'm related to several gays, school hasn't always been a dance on roses for them. Being bullied as mcmen's dd is, is bad, but not taking it further, you actually supports it. I know there are a lot of pros and cons doing this. But imagine the one gay teen standing there, hearing that kind of bullying, with something they cannot help. Chances are that some of our teens are gay, I'm sure we all wish the outside world treats them with respect.

Been keeping a low profile as DD comes to the end of her GCSE's. It's been such a struggle, but complementing her on her outward calm and the fact that she hadn't self harmed backfired spectacularly yesterday...
She told me that I know nothing about MH issues or her if I think she's coping. She isn't, and is apparently taking out her angst on her scalp, which is red raw from being constantly picked at with her long (and not very clean) nails. She has chosen this way to self harm because it's invisible - she has very thick hair.
Scuttles back into her cage to lick her wounds and make it through another day
On the plus side side she also informed me that she is no longer suicidal and is looking forward to leaving home for uni in a couple of years and not seeing me for long periods of time - though "might be home for the occasional Christmas"
So as another hot flush torments me and I survey the cataclysmic state of my family life I wonder what other joys are ahead over the long summer holiday...

Sorry - posted too soon. Meant to say that I have been reading all your posts and that everyone on here is lovely; very supportive and kind and helpful. It is very much appreciated

Ticklingcheese

I'm sorry I don't know what you mean by this,

"Being bullied as mcmen's dd is, is bad, but not taking it further, you actually supports it."

I certainly do not support it and frankly I think it's unfair that you suggest that.

I am just doing my very best to keep up on a fast moving thread.

As you say, "Chances are that some of our teens are gay, I'm sure we all wish the outside world treats them with respect."

Yes absolutely I do.

Oh Parsley you must be relieved and upset all at the same time! Bloomin' done for hanging in there and seeing your dd through her GCSEs! It's very positive that your dd is looking to the future ...

"Scuttles back into her cage to lick her wounds and make it through another day"

^ I can certainly identify with this!

What I meant was that it should have been reported to the school. It wasn't an attack on you way of responding, in any way.

Ticklingcheese I am just re-posting this because the emboldening error below makes it confusing and I want it to be clear.

I'm sorry I don't know what you mean by this:

"Being bullied as mcmen's dd is, is bad, but not taking it further, you actually supports it."

I certainly do not support it and frankly I think it's unfair that you suggest that.

I am just doing my very best to keep up on a fast moving thread.

As you say, "Chances are that some of our teens are gay, I'm sure we all wish the outside world treats them with respect."

Yes absolutely I do.

x posts Tickling

Oh phew, sorry, I misunderstood!

@Tickling....people log in and out sporadically that's all. Silence doesn't mean anyone on this thread is anti-gay, their just doing stuff. Definitely kick off with school. I really would. Teens loathe having their views labelled as old fashioned and probably they've not even thought about that....it's just brainless bullying. What happened with my DS a few years back was one friend became envious of his friendship with another lad...so slapped the label 'gay' on it. It's v immature. As I say, in the big wide world hate crime like this is serious and of course a social media record of it reflects terribly on the perpetrators and the school in time.

Quite a lot of schools these days have student "Pride" committees in place....in fact both of my kids schools do. Suggest it. Find out how buried in the dark ages they might be.

Thanks all pots for your concern.
I spoke with her drama teacher who is also her drama teacher at school.
She said 70 % of the school are against drama kids and just label them gay and there is nothing the school can do.
She said loads of students have been through this and worse and they just have to ignore them. I know this is unfair but my dd doesnt want me to contact school and report it.
The drama teacher spoke with my dd on friday and told her she could see school councillor she said she would.
As they are ready to break for summer it may not happen but I feel that she was been taunted and now she feels she done something wrong by been told she needs to see a councillor. I think the girls that are doing it are in more need off a councillor for their bullying and imaturity. I hoping she does her 2 shows this weekend to show them shes not afraid off them and wont give up her dreams for them.

My dd has a bf and some of the girls that are call her gay dont so i personally think its jealousy and exam stress.
I am not wanting anyone getting upset about this.
we all have our own daily struggles and our own teens to deal with.
I just find this good to off load on.
Thanks for pms from a few regulars appreciate them.
Lets all use this thread for a daily or weekly to off load or life.

and just label them gay and there is nothing the school can do. - that is plain wrong and outrageous. There is everything that the school can do! They can run assemblies around diversity, make kids aware of laws around hate crime, seek input from outside sources like Stonewall. Teens do workplacements - homophobic language or views in a workplace or anywhere are dismissable. They owe this to the kids and staff. The best thing your DD can do is get back to school. If she's got a BF these idiots clearly don't understand what gay means. I remember I was fuming when this happened to DS and I wondered what ignorant families some kids are raised In.

@Parsley65 ....how awful 💐 Seems you cannot win. If you ask what's happening you get stonewalled or told not butt out. I'm so sorry. I realise it's a sticking plaster over a MH wound, but might tea tree shampoo be soothing on that poor scalp?? Funnily enough as a teen I used to pull out quite a lot of hairs to look at the plucked follicle and chew the inside of my mouth red raw ...but i think that was largely boredom tbh.

Hugs to all of you, don’t particularly care how unmumsnetty

Don’t know about you, but when shit like this happens (bullying, self harm, shouting matches, running away from home etc, you get the gist), I find it hard to keep a levelled head. I’ve got the same feeling as if someone is harming/abusing my child and I’m just stood there, unable to move/sort it out. I become completely irrational, there is no thought, it’s all instinct.
I’m not even sure about help, who else but me, as a mum, should be able to help?

Big shout out to those of you whose children are depressed. I have no advice but my heart goes to you.

Im slightly worried that my son is only 13 and I have years of this ahead of me. He is SO angry. Today I wanted to get in the car and go. Just go. I obviously havent. We tried to ask him whats wrong but we just get "you" as the response!
Taking it one day at a time....its just a phase....

Im having real problems with dd14 getting ready for bed. She can take up to an hour because she's watching youtube or checking social media the entire time. It is also very noisy. She has the music on full blast and sings v loudly. We have a ten year old who is usually asleep and a dh who does an early shift. The other thing is she insists on me saying goodnight so I can't go to bed til she does.

Dh decided to go in all guns blazing even though I said leave it but he would not listen - cue slamming doors and screaming at the top of her voice, with dh trying to match it in volume..As advised, it achieved abosultely nothing and she decided to take longer and announce shes definitely not sleeping now.

I don't know who I hate most at the moment. I feel like packing my bags and leaving them to slug it out between them

That must be infuriating! Wifi off? Any other way of limiting music ? We had a bedtime fury bc I said it was too late to have a bath. The abuse that comes out of his mouth is unbelievable! I am sorry to hear about the selfharm too. It must be agonising to know about.

Morning Po Ts! No exams here today so dd at home all day!

I don't want to leave her home alone all day because (a) it's a bit miserable when you are revising without the odd bit of food and tlc and (b) in case bf pitches up , but on the other hand I want to distance myself too, and focus on something else for a change, so I think lots of "in and out" errand- running might be in order (returning to the house at erratic times ).

Ticklingcheese I've gone back over yesterday's exchanges in the cold, grey light of dawn, and I just wanted to apologise again for misunderstanding your post yesterday and for getting the wrong end of the stick. Tbh, it's meaning wasn't entirely clear to me, probably because I was trying to keep up with a fast moving thread and coping with builders in the house ( major roof issue) so probably wasn't at my best.

And fwiw, I genuinely don't think anyone was not giving the issue adequate attention because of prejudice or lack of concern, but because, as others have said, we are all just struggling to do our best on here, and as such, are perhaps in survival mode with rather blinkered vision wrt getting through the day.

McMen71 Knowing your dd, and the drama teacher involved, you are best placed to know how to cope with this issue but fwiw I think the drama teacher's approach is extremely lacking and apathetic 'just hoping it will die down until September'. And no wonder "loads of students have been through this" if no one is taking action to eradicate it! . The school are being very negligent in letting it continue. I agree with Tinkobell that it needs to be confronted head on, and I think it needs to be tackled at a higher level than the teacher. At head teacher level, or perhaps even to the school governors. The use of homophobic terms to bully, and the bullying itself, needs to be eradicated from the top down. In the meantime, I certainly hope your dd can perform in her shows and shows the nasty folk what for! It's outrageous that the school are not giving her more support with this!

MrsBlondie I had a "wanting to leave" moment with dd yesterday right after she said she hated me and wished I was dead a few times (not new!) but said it in such a nasty and condescending manner that I honestly felt like hitting her (not that I ever would) so I walked out but I can't quite get over how scathing and superior she was. Hideous. So I totally "get" that urge to escape. We need to follow MachineBee's protocol I think and step back, distance ourselves, be civil, dump food and directions on how to use the washing machine, and re-engage with former hobbies and interests and walk away ( I tried yesterday but stupidly got sucked back in).

Gandalf456 crikey that sounds exasperating! My nephew used to come home from his student job in a bar at 2 am and start cooking food and banging around the kitchen, banging doors etc, when his father had to get up at 4 am to start work! He honestly didn't seem to comprehend that it was disturbing people despite being told several times. How, I don't quite know! Would noise cancelling headphones be part of the solution (maybe for Christmas or upcoming birthday?) Sorry you are in the middle of it.

Waves to 8Fencingwire Xerox and to anyone else I may have left out!

Right, Po Ts! The builders will be here in 15 mins! Had better go! Wishing you all as peaceful a weekend as humanly possible with a teen in the house!

[tea]

My DS is literally driving me crazy, does anyone else have a teen with ADHD and ODD. He is either hyper and singing or angry or not getting out of bed. He literally does no homework and in his recent year 10 exams he got all Us. He just doesn’t seem to have any motivation. It’s hard to see, as I look forward to the future and can’t see how he will get any job without any qualifications

Mornin all, both DC's trundled off to exams. It's so bloody draining isn't it ffs. Sorry, need a second coffee. Yesterday PM emotionally was a shitter actually. Out with DDog and crying. Spoke to DD and had a hard conversation, she hasn't elaborated much but said we don't need to worry about suicide (those words sound crazy). Right. Well that's good then! Apparently MH meeting was good and I've pleaded again for openness about drink ...she's thinking about that. V hard as we are trying to place faith in her but she's not showing any faith in me and DH by sharing so little information. We just want to help however shit it is.
@Fleetheart....I don't know what to suggest, but I'd say exams and attainment to one side, he's got a self esteem issue that he's battling with. I can't help but feel if the esteem thing Could be helped first then the study might improve thereafter??? Any support from school?
@Pegs - builders! You poor woman. DONT get into the tea, biscuits and chat routine. Let them do the job and leave I say.
@Gandalf456 - DS16 does the late night "fannying" around. It is infuriating and very selfish. He also insists on a hug....kinda nice. But if the times ticking on we say hugs in kitchen 10pm, then you're not left in thumb twiddling limbo. End of term soon though right?!! You could just bugger off to bed???

Fleetheart sorry no experience of ADHD or ODD but bumping for you! It sounds extremely challenging. Is there any chance he might be persuaded to explore some sort of physical job that he might be interested in? That might give him a bit of focus wrt which qualifications he needs maybe?

Gandalf just to be clear I meant noise cancelling headphones for your DD , not for you! My DD has a pair that connects to her phone play list/ wi-fi and it plays music in to her ears but we can't hear it! Also, they are useful for cutting out other noise when she is revising.

Don't know why I wished you all a good weekend when it's only Thurs btw . Wishful thinking eh?

Thanks Tinkobell builders in/on roof so outside access in the main thankfully, but still a lot of tramping up and down stairs which sets the dogs off barking! Argh! Need those noise cancelling headphones myself !

I'm so sorry you had such a horrible afternoon yesterday. I'm glad your DD was able to put your mind slightly more at rest but it must be so anxiety provoking when communication not transparent. It must be very very difficult to judge how much to intervene and how much to back off in these sorts of circs. Such a fine line. No wonder you feel drained. The mh professionals sound good though, so that's a positive. Hang in there X

Right, I must close the screen and get cracking! Apologies if I'm not back for a bit!

Thank you Pegsinarow and Tinkobell, yeah, I agree it is all about self esteem, he really is bright but doesn’t feel like he is and the fear of failure is so high that he prefers not to try. Agree also about finding a potential job he could aspire to, at the moment he is just in major denial and never wants to talk about it. The school are being quite accommodating and he now has an EHCP, but really the issue is he’s not able to meet them halfway- he is in denial at school as well. Camhs haven’t offered anything really apart from medication. May have to try and get him more talking therapy but pay for it ourselves; not even sure what the right thing is! Such a minefield. I feel sure he will be ok if only
We can get through these years, but it is very trying indeed.