Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

That said we are having a bit of time together for a nightly watch of Love Island. It's of course Terrible, but at least I get a bit of non argumentative time with her every day.
We get in my bed and watch it together and it reminds me of when she was little and we'd snuggle up and watch telly. (Not love island then though obviously!)

On the chores- oh I fight this. I refuse to be a doormat for an entitled young brat! We have a rule that he does one chore a week and changes his sheets occasionally; in return I have given up on the bedroom. It’s absolutely right that they seem incapable of things they did years ago. Eg make breakfast.
I do think, pegs, the expression of hatred is a means of separation. They must be finding it particularly hard to feel like an independent adult. Now, we know that picking up socks is essential to that ... but they don’t and chores seem a parental tyranny. I remember insisting the same at that age- clothes on floor, dirty mugs etc. I think better to back offf and save some goodwill, but also to avoid waiting on them- random acts of kindness better than letting them walk all over us. Once I just left the wet towel in a heap. They are, tho, super attuned to any sign of ‘neglect’! It’s a psychological battle.

Just found this thread, it has great advice & much needed support.

My Y9 DD 14 is struggling with low mood. Has self harmed and this morning whilst clearing her room saw a bit of paper that was talking about suicide. :[

When initially spoke to her a few months ago we saw the GP for tests & went to a counsellor privately who GP recommended, she has stopped that now and says it doesn’t help.
She just shuts down if I try and talk to her. She has good friends but won’t talk to them, just disconnects.

Hates the long school day 8.15 - 5.20 and apparently most lessons. I have discussed getting homework and music practice out the way during free periods but apparently this can’t be done. Says she doesn’t like teachers telling her what to do. Always gets glowing reports about behaviour and progress though.

Have suggested moving to our local school which isn’t so pushy as she seems to constantly compare herself to academically gifted friends. She is exceptional at many things but doesn’t seem to take on board she doesn’t need to be the best/ excel at every subject.

Instead beats herself up about everything she’s not instead of seeing how great she is at things/ kind/ funny/ creative.

Just sits in her room refusing to socialise or come out watching tv and listening to music. This morning she said she wanted to stay at home, teach herself and just come to school for the odd lesson

I feel so low and tired as so worried about what I found

I just want to say thanks folks for all the kindess and comment on here today. I've read it all, taken it in and I'm learning. @TheLuckyMrsPine....word for word (other than the age).. we are practically in the same place. It saddens me to say that but, I'm here for you. I'm still reeling. Knowing that your DC wants to end their life or has contemplated that is dreadful. A friend today told me that her sister was suicidal a few years ago. Her view was that depressed people feel that family would be better off without them, that they'd be glad to have got rid of the time consuming problematic person. They are not thinking straight and need telling that it doesn't work like that. All it does is take the pain and ripple it across everyone whose ever loved and cherished them forever. I intend to tell my DD tonight that if she left us, we wouldn't be better off, we'd be ripped apart forever. Everyone would. That we want the hassle and bother cos we love her and that's just fine. Personally, I'd lift your foot off the academics right now. To me, they just don't seem to matter. Let's keep talking. By the way, my DD wont talk either.....I'm trying not to bloody cry all the time at her, that doesn't really help.

Completely tinko it’s so hard being helpless - you just want to fix it don’t you?

I have e told her she just needs to do enough academically to keep teachers off her back. Tbh she could coast & get satisfactory GCSE passes but teachers are very pushy at the school and the day is so long it is very exhausting. I think putting on the pretence to everyone that everything is fine adds to the exhaustion- given the constant good feedback from teachers she must be putting on a good face.

We have openly spoken about the self harming, she hasn’t done it for a long time, but I have told her that we love her and will do what we can to

Oops. Do what we can to make things better.

It just seems so all consuming not only for her but for everyone else in the house, although I feel very selfish saying that.

Oh the life of a PoT - it has more drama than Love Island...

Tinkobell and TheTheLuckyMrsPine keep talking. It is the hardest place to be when you know your child is suicidal. Funnily enough, the last time we went to A&E, ds admitted that he wanted to end it all, but said that he wished I wasn't here so he could do it, as he knew how much it would hurt me, and couldn't bear me to be sad. So yes, explain that you would never get over losing them, that life without them would be unbearable because you love them so much. Tell them that whatever hell they are going through you are happy to support them and have shoulders broad enough to take it all (even if you're lying!!!) Tell them, tell them tell them. I'm with you on the crying, and it's so hard to be strong, but it feels like you have to be. Interestingly, CAMHS told me not to hold it together so much and to accept the sadness they feel and tell them that it makes you sad that they feel this way, but that it's ok.

I'm sorry I haven't quite caught up, but hugs to you all. I've been laid low with a migraine over the weekend, and had to take on extra supply work to fund hypnotherapy for ds and acupuncture for me so I've been flat out.

Had my first acupuncture session today and the lady seemed hopeful she could help. Strangely though, I feel like I'm all bruised in my shoulders, though I didn't have any needles there. Apparently it can make symptoms worse before they're better? We'll see!

DS in bed again, wallowing. Overdid it at the weekend (drink and weed I suspect), stayed out later than he should have done and now back to being a bit anxious and also now restricting diet again.

Hugs to everyone, goodness these years are so hard. I wanted to ask if anyone else has an issue with their child not being honest? My DD can swear blind the sky is green and you come away believing it, unfortunately this means it's so hard to know when she's telling the truth. She says she hasn't self harmed since beginning therapy in April but I have found plaster wrappings in her drawer. How do I know if she's being honest in therapy and if she isn't is it actually achieving anything? I feel sick to my stomach and just don't know what more we can do?

Hi, my ds is 14, almost 15. Had him in tears today, very unlike him, he was saying how depressed he feels, how much he hates his dad, we're together. Him and his dad don't have a good relationship, they argue, constantly. I feel like I'm forever trying to keep the peace, but I don't know what to do.

@Iam your dh needs to grow up and not act like a child. He needs to spend quality time with his ds.
Have they a common passtime ike a tv prog or playstation game or sport they could do together.
Get both to write down the problems they have with each other and work on their father son relationship.

Big hugs to you all, especially Tinkobell and Mrs Pine. Such a dreadful situation for you to be dealing with.

Re Pegs question about drawing back: I found I simply had to decide what the things were that I just couldn’t let go and learn to leave the rest.

I also picked up hobbies I’d enjoyed in earlier times and threw myself into them. It helped me mentally, gave me a reason to spend time out of the home and was a great distraction.

I stopped doing a lot of the things that I’d done for them. I stopped ironing, cooking separate meals to fit around their erratic social lives, going into their rooms to tidy up, arranging my life to be available for them with lifts etc and stopped giving hand outs. I hated that they had become lodgers in my home, but it took the pressure off me and them. Amazingly, there were fewer rows, and I even got the odd cuppa made for me.

IamH, how is your relationship with your H?
I split up with my H. There was a combination of factors in my case, but the decisive one was just how bad he was becoming with his DD.

@fencing. Relationship pretty much ok. Been with him over 20 years. But through a lot of bereavement on both sides, he has changed about 10/12 years ago, very depressed, only gone to the doc once, and he talked the doc round that he's fine.
We have ups and downs, and generally with the other 2 children he's fine, one of them having asd. He works loads, and is out most of the day, until 8ish at night, and works alternate weekends.
My son and I have always had a great relationship, we can laugh, he has a quirky sense of humour and is great. I was telling him off yesterday for his language, and saying that I find it offensive if he swears in front of me or his sisters. He then started on about his dad, I am always in the middle, and sometimes he us being unreasonable, and grumpy, moody, but then that's a teen. I can also see that my dh is bring unreasonable and I tell him. My ds told me yest that a few years ago he thought about suicide, I knew at the time he was unhappy in school. I know I need to take him to the docs, he is very much like his dad, personality wise.

Good morning all!

YY, my heart goes out to you Tinkobell , TheLuckyMrsPine Tarrara Neversaygoodbye and all other Po Ts of adolescents who are depressed, self-harming or suicidal. You must be in such constant agonies of worry and yet you write with such clarity and eloquence and are able to offer one another great advice to one another even while being put through the mill yourselves. This Young Minds advice page mentions fwiw what I thought was a good tip; sending your teen a text or an e-mail if you are finding it difficult getting through to them face to face or when they have shut down. It also has a link to "advice for parents" which urges getting support for yourself (which would be even more helpful if gps practices had proper availability and mh services were up to scratch!).

Neversaygoodbye I don't have any experience of lying in that context but it must be very hard having to sit there and hope that the therapist is helping without knowing for sure. It's not at all easy but you are still there sitting and hoping and she will know that and feel more secure for it.

MrsPine you are not remotely selfish. These issues are all-consuming, I find much lesser ones so!

Tarrara I hope the acupuncture proves helpful

Tinkobell I hope you are ok and great that a friend was able to offer support. I hope your talk with your dd went ok last night too. Fwiw, I think that sounds like a good tactic to ease off on the academics.

IamHyouweegobshite I'm sorry your son is so upset It might be hypocritical of me to offer advice because I am like your dh - ie the one who is constantly in conflict with my dd - but have you considered family counselling maybe? I think McMen's suggestion of getting his dad and him to go off together and spend quality time - just leave them to it - because dd and I get on a lot better (well, most of the time!) when we are left together and dh is travelling.

Historysock Xerox and Machinebee I am very grateful to you all re: the choring advice!

Historysock enjoy the dog walks! Many of us on here do the same to combat stress, so much so now that I tend to look at women out dog-walking who are roughly the same age as me and think "I wonder if they have troubling teens?"

Xerox that's so true what you say about the psychological battle. And YY picking up after yourself is an essential bit of of the adulthood they are craving/rushing towards. Funny they don't practice that more eh! But the bit about them being "super attuned" to any perceived sign of "neglect" is so true. My dd perceives a polite request to pass the salt as an "unreasonable personal attack" atm fhs! I think you are heroic to be talking about random acts of kindness at this point but I know you are right about it. I am going to have to try harder.

Machinebee can't thank you enough for that "blue print'! I am going to ruddy well follow it - word for word - starting today!

Vigorous waves to all Po Ts! Hang in there everyone!

x posts

That must be very hard being stuck in the middle IamHyouweegobshite and with your dh not modelling a very good example of how to handle depression (although I always think that must also be hard, given that it takes quite a lot of energy and momentum to get the best from the NHS nowadays, when you are feeling at your lowest ifyswim). Wishing you strength with it all and I hope the gp can offer good support to your son.

Waves to 8Fencingwire and to everyone else!

Hi all, it's small steps and thanks so much for the kindness. Dark days for me and others on this thread. Saw the suicide plan in detail. The normality and casualness terrifying. The instinct is to leap in with an immediate MH section, but of course that's so brutal.
@MrsPine - this academic business is hard one. My DD is a top achiever at a top school, a top pupil. She has high hopes for herself, we do, the school do, family do, her friends do. But step back and ask yourself this, and I know it's an extreme question. What's most important - the grades or the person? The answer is obvious. My DD is proceeding with exams, but it's day by day, entirely her terms and genuine walk aways if needed....and certainly we mean that. What's another 12 months if someone had to get support and resist or whatever in the grand scheme? Starting to open up. We're doing tea and choc chats which are good (pre Love Island - obviously - her weakness not mine). We talked AD's last night and her route forward. We need to talk drink and cutting next. Not easy but I'm trying not to cry. Found an app called Calm Harm which provides distraction techniques v cutting....so might talk that. I think openness is key now, but it takes time. This is going into an area that's new to me too. We do have a couple of prob drinkers, so we are familiar with that actually. I do speculate this isn't aftermath of a string of bereavementss in our family plus academic pressure plus a bit of bad luck in the brain chemistry dept. Life sucks!

@Tarrara - hugs to you and thanks for your kindness. I think the blubbing thing is a tough one. On the one hand, good for them to see that you hurt too and can demo feelings. But I think in our case, I blub so much, it's not helpful and not always easy for others to deal with. It's all hugely emotional but I'm trying to remind that it's not personal I'm just a blubby person.

@Pegs....thanks for the links - yes we are texting, quite a lot but without me becoming a text pest!

suggested moving to our local school which isn’t so pushy as she seems to constantly compare herself to academically gifted friends. She is exceptional at many things but doesn’t seem to take on board she doesn’t need to be the best/ excel at every subject
@MrsPine....we went through this, and funnily enough at about this age! Kids at this age have egos that are easily crushed. Schools don't help. DD's school always only recognise and reward absolute attainment at the highest level; which sucks it really does. A DC can love a subject, be a great mentor, be creative and get an A* but never get formal recognition or reward because there was someone else who got 2 per cent more. Fundamentally, they have to actually make a choice around this. Either suck it up and realise that on a very simplistically measured level they're not perceived as the 'best' or move onto a new environmen, where they could potentially be star of the show. Personally, I think the second option is a bit daft, because of course later on in life at uni or wherever they are going to encounter many people who are naturally gifted or exceptionally good, that's just life. My DD has found by 6th form that people tend to step back and admire one another's attaintments based far more on where that particular person started from. Lots of people get average grades but those grades are amazing given the effort they personally put in to reach them. Still pisses me off though that lots of schools just hand out awards based on the top mark alone; that doesn't help.

Hi all, just found this thread.

Does anyone else feel their teen is much more confident in their views and opinions thsn they are themselves?

My dd 13 is what other adults refer to as 'very composed'. She is convinced of my flaws:

I don't give her a smart phone or unfettered internet access.

I favour her two younger siblings, apparently.

I object to her simply helping herself to food from the cupboard without asking.

I'm a 'scrounger' because i am a carer for her younger brother who is disabled and will 'never amount to anything'. The fact she is entitled to FSM is 'humiliating'.

Her younger brother and sister are both 'failures' apparently (5 and 9 yrs respectively).

She's equally harsh on herself but it's always more in terms of anger directed at my failings for making her 'weird' than her being in tears or anything.

She is physically violent occasionally.
Declines counselling.

Her general demeanour is that of being annoyed and finding fault. She prefers to stay in her room unless she wants something from me. Then she'll be very personal and reasonable until she gets it.

dd1 wouldn't go to school today again
This is 4 days off out of 8.
Its all down to her group of friends calling her a lesbian last week and have now ditched her on snap chat also.
Her exams are all done except drama.
School emailed for me to contact them why she is not in but I haven't contacted them as I can't tell them the reason. Spoke to her drama teacher but said I didn't want it to be brought to schools attention hoping it would blow over before Sept.

@mcmen71 - what a shitty situation. The use of the word lesbian as a term of abuse is rotten. I would contact school about this because in this day and age it needs tackling head on, its homophobia. Insulting to any staff (who might be gay), insulting to any pupils who are gay. Whether or not your child is or isn't gay is totally irrelevant. These bullies need pulling in, re-educating and shaming for their frankly outdated very old fashioned views. They need to be told (how embarrassing) that you catch being gay off anyone.....it's just would be so humiliating for them to stand and listen to this.

I have witnessed this homophobia more amongst boys than girls, so I'm surprised. If you get no joy with school, say you'll contact the local authority who will be in touch....cos perhaps the head/staff need a little reeducation too.

Actually my DS did have this about 5 years ago. I did go into school. I steamed in and kicked up a stink. It worked, stopped. Half the school staff are gay, so they were pissed off too. The kids need telling that this is a punishable crime out there, beyond the school gates.

Thanks tinkobell, I actually thought of leaving this thread as noone else called out the homophobia. So sad and old fashioned.

McMen71 How awful for your dd, and how depressing that things sort of prejudice is so prevelant in this day and age, one would have thought it had improved since our day! Pity you can't share it with the school as they really should be clamping down on it.

Welcome Rufflecrow! Yes! My dd is nearly 16 yrs and is very confident in her very black & white views and although the issues are slightly different, she sounds very similar in "tone" to your dd. It's horrible isn't it?

Tinkobell and MrsPine My dd is is in a very academically rigorous school too. She veers from being highly perfectionist to being a bit lazy and scraping through by the seat of her pants. I feel the atmosphere at her school is too negatively critical and pressured, but dh (who went to one of the top academic schools in the UK) doesn't feel it is remotely pressured enough. It's very difficult.

Tinkobell waves from one fellow blubberer to another! (That app sounds good btw - I hope it helps your dd.)