Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

I meant to say (sorry, rushing) that she knows you are there for her - and that's the most crucialkybimportant thing - even though you want to do much more and know much more! Sorry it's so distressing though x

My last post @ 09.52 was to Tinkobell by the way!

Fleetheart I wonder if a complete change of tack would help, maybe in the holidays , such as enrolling him in wild water swimming (to use a previous example from this thread) or stone wall repairing or something, if he's a bit "stuck"? Something that he enjoys and would be good at, so he gets his confidence back? Glad the school are meeting you half way at least!

@Fleetheart, sounds so tough ...poor you and poor lad. I think honestly the main aim has got to be to get him just up and about. I'd take the academic stuff off the table, unless he expresses a desire to re-engage. I agree with the change of tack approach....you almost need a lovely mature gentle Grandpa type to take him under his wing and do something physical and productive for a few weeks. What about National Citizenship scheme, Army Cadets or National Trust do dry stone walling repair holidays? You could talk to the school about deferral options or maybe some local colleges and cross that bridge later on?

On our side I had a really good chat with Alcholics Anonymous today, i learned a lot about alcohol dependency. DH and I going to attend a family support session at the weekend. DD can tag along if she wishes. They have good advice for families trying to support DC's with this problem.

Don’t worry if you fall off the ‘stepping back’ wagon Pegs. It can be very hard and you’ll have times when you can’t help but get sucked it. If that happens just pick yourself up and start afresh tomorrow.

Fleetheart - I agree with Tinkobell’s suggestions for finding something more hands on. Two of my DSC have done NCS and really enjoyed it. Gave them some new perspectives and made them a couple of new friends. My DSD ended up going back as a team leader and earned some useful money to start uni with.

Another of seeing this whole situation is to see it not just them detaching from us but it also helps us make the transition from parents of children to parents of adults. Just try to forget the very harsh words and remember the small acts of kindness.

Another of seeing this whole situation is to see it not just them detaching from us but it also helps us make the transition from parents of children to parents of adults ...so true, we are finding that hard as prob have natural tendency to patronise a tad. 😧

Just sat here and read the whole thread as a new PoT with DS (13). We’re just on the edge with the rudeness, laziness and a slight pong but it’s already getting to me. I feel for you all with much more serious challenges - the fact you are all still there for your DC is amazing.

The rudeness is just a red rag to a bull for me so I really like the toddler analogy. I need to step back and detach and think like when they were 3 and were tired or hungry or just not able to process all the information properly. Must not shout...

Other siblings have been mentioned a few times. I really worry about DD (8). She is already quite anxious and the shouting and rudeness is adding to it. I feel like i’m failing DS when I can’t get through to him and now I feel like I’m damaging DD.

DH is very onboard but like several PP have said he doesn’t think about what’s behind it, he just deals with the behaviour.

Has anyone helped their other DCs deal with the environment? Any tips?

@mercedes519 you sound very simimar to me. DS age 13. All kicking off in last few months (rudeness, disrespect, anger). We have a DD age 6 and I worry about her. I am getting better at just ignoring DS now - it just leads to shouting and arguing at times.
Its tough though.

@Mercedes519....welcome on board, you're going to have to stick around on this thread for a good few years, you're early doors. My observation is that parental struggles often but not always seem to correlate with the timing on an individuals onset of puberty....the big hormone rush, sounds like it's hit you a bit earlier. With verbal abuse, I can only comment on what we've done, which has been zero tolerance and enforced apology - we've not suffered that. But how much of that is down to our parental approach v nature, I couldn't tell you! We have our own struggles and NOT opening up and cold shouldering are what we struggle with - which has proven really dangerous. Maybe if our family had been a little more verbally expressive then we wouldn't be in the MH pickle that we are now in.
Been cold shouldered this morning. My crime? Being awake, alert, nice and making a breakfast - damn you mother.

😂tink

It’s mufti day and she was sporting an off the shoulder beach holiday number. It’s 11 degrees, pissing with rain and she’s going to school. I made her change. It’s my fault.
Perhaps I should make a record of all the fights we have, just in case she re-writes history and spends her inheritance on theraphy in her 40’s.
🤯

I hate the ignoring and lack of engagement- it’s more than simply not communicating - and come from a family where we always talked shouted. My DHs family otoh are not talkers and my DSCs really push back at my attempts to engage with them. Their family approach plus the usual hatred of a step-mother didn’t make for a great time for me. I also hit the menopause just as the eldest two got into their adolescent strides.

It has taken a huge effort to keep going with it all and my eldest DSS (25) is finally being more respectful of me and we even have some fun chats now. To get to this point I’ve had to let a lot of things that are important to me go, walk away from vile comments, affect an air of not caring (when I care very much), and hone sleuthing skills verging on telepathy just to find out the most basic information so that necessary life admin and organisation can be completed. I’ve also struggled to hold on to my own sanity, it’s threatened my marriage, relationships with my own family, affected my physical and mental health and caused a lot difficulties with previous jobs. I even changed jobs once to accommodate home life better, which nearly derailed my career.

For a long time I thought it was all to do with me being their step-mum but now realise that while that may be part of it, most of it is simply them being teenagers. Still tough, but working that out has helped as it makes it less personal- even if the comments and behaviours feel very personal at times.

I do wish this thread had been around 10 years ago though. It would have been so helpful in those early years with my DSCs.

Our approach (now its taken a few weeks) is to ignore certain comments as for some reason (?) our son wants an argument. So last night he said out of the blue " you are a terrible mum". I ignored him and just walked past. "did you hear me" "its the truth". I ignored again and that was the end of it. If I had responded a massive argument would have started and Id be the one in tears (as in the past). Now what Im doing might not be correct but I think it will work in the end ie he will realise he doesn't get an argument. He doesn't mean it (I hope) and Im beginning to let the comments not bother me so much now.

Ugh, does this sound right.

Thanks all for this thread. I love it.

@MachineBee - a fascinating and tough account of motherhood! You've come such a long way but the personal toll sounds tough. What pisses me off with teens is the sense of entitlement to the personal toll that it takes, the nonchalance....makes me want to slap them! I have a question though Machine, knowing what you know now, if you were to re-write history and do it all again, what would you do differently?

@MrsBlondie....I'm sure you're approach is very good. But when he says "Did you hear me" I'd be so tempted to add "I hear you, but I don't listen because you say this so much, the words have lost their power". He sounds so spiteful to his poor mum, you poor thing. I really hope at some point the world bites him back and that jolts him to reevaluate change his ways.

Stick a leaflet or self help book about Anger Management on his bed. I'm fuming for you! Little git.

@mrsblondie that does sound very familiar. I think I need to practice this now while he is sometimes still compliant. Like you we both end up upset and it does no good.

I like the approach a PP suggested of responding with "that is not acceptable" and then detaching. I need DD (8) to see that is being noted even if there is no further action.

@Tinkobell I'm intrigued by your comment about being open. I've tried to talk to him when he's calm about his behaviour but he doesn't/refused to understand or manage it. From what I have learned on this thread it feels like I'm asking too much and he can't.

I find it fascinating how the dynamic plays through. I was always the 'good' one whereas my older sister was the rebellious teen, drinking, boys and huge rows. it's why I worry about DD and how it affects her and why I don't understand DS. DH's MH problems started in his teens so that's another dynamic.

DH is in a mess. Blames himself for DD's woes "I've been too harsh, controlling etc". Deep within me I'm a bit peed off with him too....his side don't talk, it's just day to day niceties shit with major issues brewing under the surface. It's like they can't deal with any emotion. So annoying.

@Mercedes....it's a hard balance isn't it. You and Blondie and poor Pegs are all dealing with daily tirades and needing your hard hats! At my place, we're all superficially lovely but probably thinking "I fucking hate you!".....so where's the balance? I feel an image of bohemian clothing and sandals coming on and me sitting cross legged saying to my teen "You fucking hate me, that's great...,let's talk about this!" coming on....a bit like Barbara Streisand and Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate" 😂

Bah. It was "Meet The Fockers"

@mrsblondie - you are definitely doing the right thing to just ignore. Sometimes my DD (who generally I much easier than my DS), makes really provocative comments like “why do you never buy any decent food”, or “you eat too much so you’re getting fat”. I have learned no not to react and so I either ignore or I say “sounds like you just want a row” in a teasing way. And she recognises it and it works! Whereas before I would have gone for it and argued back!

With my DS who is massively challenging, I also just walk away and say “I am leaving because you are so rude”. It avoids a row, and maybe somewhere inside him he realises that he is being unreasonable! I have learned to give him space if he is stroppy, I used to follow him upstairs to continue a row (!!) obviously this didn’t work out well.

I also go with the your choice thing: Ok, I can’t force you to tidy your room but if you don’t, then I won’t be giving you money later. Your choice.

Doesn’t always work by the way. I often just end up not giving any money, but at least he knows why and I don’t feel like a mug being treated like rubbish and then paying pocket money for it. I am working on keeping our relationship going. It is very difficult as I am argumentative by nature. But I keep on trying!

I used to follow him upstairs to continue a row (!!) obviously this didn’t work out well.
^^ @fleetheart, I used to do this too! Ignoring (and not challenging) might not always be right, but sometimes if it avoids an argument its just worth it for the peace. My DD hates the shouting too, so Im trying to think of her.

@MrsBlondie the rudeness just makes my blood boil and his need to get the last word! Which I know he gets from me so clearly I need to model better behaviour to keep the adult/child dynamic in the right place! But it's SO hard isn't it - they just know how to press the buttons.

The whole toddler thing has got me back to saying things like "do you want to do the dishwasher now or after tea" - limited choice rather than asking them to help. I'm now thinking what other strategies from back then would help...@Fleetheart clearly bribery although no longer with biscuits and with all the talk of a bedtime phone cut-off, back to a routine?

@tinkobell I totally get your frustration, DH's family is like that too. Mine is a bit but we haven't had any major issues. DH's family is seriously screwed up but its never talked about. DH is a lot better now as he has had a lot of therapy over the years and is trying hard to share emotions but its ingrained.

If I've learned anything on this thread is that once they hit the teens then it's making no difference as to what you did/had/were before. There are all types of parents and families represented here - all dealing with the same shit. I'm just hoping I did enough of a good job when I could that it will come out OK in the end - that underneath it he stays that nice person I know is there. Some of the replies on here give me some hope but please god I hope it happens before he's 25...

@MrsBlondie....I do actually worry that your DS is behaving like a really nasty mum-bully. And the only reason he is getting away with this is because he can. Would he dare speak to a man like that? I don't think so. Maybe it's my inner sense of justice here but I just feel this level of covert vitriol and nastiness should be outed. Have you considered sharing this with a trusted long term family friend who might say "I know exactly how you speak to you're mother, and frankly X I think you ought to stop and be ashamed of yourself" ....I'm thinking a godparent or close friend. The emotional toll on you must be immense and you just don't derserve it. Is going to continue in this vein with girlfriends etc? Think on it. And sorry for sticking my nose in so bluntly ....I'm a Northerner, that's my excuse! 😁

@Tinkobell, my DS definitely is much worse to me than to anyone else. It’s absolutely true when people say things like “single mums can’t control their adolescent sons!” I’m a single mum and I can’t control my boy- it really is a fact. He is bigger than me, stronger than me, and he knows it. He is definitely more subservient to his Dad, who is actually smaller than him now but has more of a threatening presence. And this is the issue. I think if I did have a full time (good hearted) make in this house things would be easier. There is something about taking the man of the house role which is hard to counter. It started when he was about 13. I don’t have anyone apart from his Dad who will read the riot act. And his Dad does do this, but in fairness he is not here living with us.