Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Very much like parsley65 my Dd needed antidepressants too and has been on them a few years now and we would say probably 90% improvement here too.

I should have said that's Dd1 the rest of my posts are about Dd2

At the beginning of all of this I confess to feeling ashamed to speak about my 'failure' as a Mother as my DD had MH problems and was on AD's. Now I am happy to talk about it to everyone and accept that all is very definitely not rosy in our world

💐to @ parsley hope the GCSEs go well.

This is the worse bit I think as we do all handle it in isolation. I do think it’s not just our own feelings of being ashamed at not having a happy child but I also think part of it is that it’s not all our story to tell. To admit that I am suffering mentally because of the MH of my child means you have to mention that the child isn’t well and they don’t want the details banded about either. So the circle continues.

Saw this

Can i join please?

Tricky half term her with Ds 13.

Great reading the stories here, makes you feel not alone!

Interesting you say about the walking.i walk the dog each school morning but haven't over this half term resulting inan emotional meltdown today, not helped by the sleepless night last night. Had to keep ds awake all night for a sleep deprived EEG, he got to sleep on the table but I am a wreck!

Got to get the dinner on but will bbl.

@Mishapes! .

That's one hell of a list though Tinkobell!

Very wise words from Tickling and Billy as ever!

Welcome MeltedCrayons I hope you are ok and that you manage to get more sleep tonight! . Also that the rest of the half term goes better for you.

Waves to Parsley and everyone else! You are doing fellow mums of teens a huge favour by being open about everything.

[ It's v positive to read about teens being helped by ADs btw.]

Can't I join you please.
I'm on my 4th go at teen parenting but my first girl and bloody hell,it's destroying my soul.
She was bullied in year 10 and we had a terrible year of trying to sort this out and supporting her, school meetings, police involvemen. Eventually I took her form school and she attended college a year early.
All good, life returned to normal and she settled in very successfully taking a BTEC performing arts course.
She then got her first boyfriend who is on the same course but a bit older so we have dealt with all that comes with that, sex, staying over and drama.
Since turning 17 in Jan we have seen a real change. Largely as nothing can be discussed without her going mad at us.
She is incredibly manipulative saying "I can't deal with this now as I have anxiety/college work/tired/about to get the bus" so any communication which she doesn't want to have cannot take place.
She contributes nothing to the house and is rude Ben if you ask her to bring down her fifty cups or put her plate in the dishwasher.
She is dreadful with money and spends what ever she has mostly on costa star bucks mcds or sweets and crisps.
This then means she is asking for more which causes more rows when I say no.
Today was awful. She is going on a holiday with her friend and family next week and she had to save a certain amount of spending money.
She has some of it saved from her job but was still fairly short, I was going to make it up and also buy her some holiday bits but today it transpires that she has spent her last wages on utter crap over the weekend. When I spoke to her about it she went mental at me and said there is something's wrong with me and even her brothers have said so.
I'm suffering a bit of a menopausal confidence crisis at the moment so this was so badly timed and it made me so upset that I think I had a panic attack for the first time ever in my life.
I'm afraid I screamed at her that She was a cruel nasty bully and made her get out of the car and left her in the rain.
I also have a seven year old who is luckily staying with a friend tonight so I came to bed as soon as the teen came in from college.
She's text me to apologise but she always does and nothing changes.
Sorry for the long rant but I might be able to sleep now its off my chest.

Oh ledkr it's shit isn't it. Just a quick not very helpful comment from me. Sometimes (often) we need to make the teens suffer the consequences of their actions, in time they will learn 😀.

So dd hasn't saved for trip? Then she will not have much money to spend while gone 😏. We do tend to want to be nice and make things flow. Doesn't work with teens, imo.

Hi all, hoping I can join in.

I've had a hell of a few years with DD.

She has SN and is ridiculously easily influenced by friends. She goes through stages of very very intense and often unhealthy friendships with other teens who are really not the best to be friends with and it's all been a total nightmare. At points we have had school safeguarding involved with her to try and break the friendships as they have been toxic.
She will literally do anything they say and defend them above everything.

It's been a tough ride and she was pretty aggressive physically to me for quite a while and rather abusive about it.

I finally felt like we were through all that and she was away from certain friendships and a totally different child.
However a new friendship has started and so has the attitude.
She's 16 now so doesn't have to listen to me apparently...

If I tell her something she flat out ignores me. If I tell her to get off her phone as it's late and she has exams she ignores me, if I try and take her phone she's aggressive.
We've had some issues near us with muggings so I've asked her not to walk round with her phone out. She just ignores me.
She won't do anything to help, she left a bowl with milk in balanced on the radiator, I asked her repeatedly to move it, she ignored me and now it's spilt on the carpet and mattress. She didn't care. She said I'm just having a go at her because I'm in a bad mood.
It's never her fault.
She had a go at me last night because she asked for my help with something, I helped her and she told me the wrong thing so it was wrong.

She is so smug about ignoring me too.

If I discipline her she either moans I'm getting at her, says she doesn't want to argue (i.e not be told off) or swears under her breath.

I'm totally fed up at the minute. I don't want to spend anytime with her to be honest. I feel I've tried everything.

She's got exams and she's not revising at all. In fact she's been peeing about half of the night when she knows I've gone to sleep..

I've actually ended up on anxiety meds due to her behaviour at one point. I was literally on egg shells waiting for her to come through the door from school before she would explode, throw things at my face, hurt me, tip rubbish everywhere, slam doors on me, stop me getting in my room etc.

Honestly I'm just really really tired.
Camhs helpfully rejected the referral when I asked for help.

Good morning!

I am off out today and will be absent from the thread for a couple of days so please forgive the very brief replies but just wanted to say to Beegin and Ledkr that you are not alone and sorry you are going through such hellishness . And sorry that you are both suffering so much through it. . Be kind to yourselves and try and take some time out away from your teens for a bit, doing something you enjoy, even an hour makes a difference.

Also Beegin really dreadful you are not getting more support from CAHMS.

Catch up in a few days time Po Ts!

Waves to Ticklingcheese and to everyone else!

Morning all

@beegin and @ledkr

This was pretty much my life for 2 years. It does get better. With hindsight I wish I had taken a step back. I think the inbuilt urge to be there for them is what they play on constantly.

It is impossible to have any conversation that they don’t want for the reasons mentioned and it’s so frustrating. @beegin I’m sure we had many conversations like your milk incident, eventually I’d just do it. I know I’d be flamed for that as ‘enabling’ on other threads but honestly it wasn’t worth the battle and subsequent anxiety and head space it took up.

@ledkr my DD blew up at me like that many times please take comfort in her apology, no nothing will change for a while but the fact that she said it means she is aware of her actions even if she can’t necessarily control them at the moment. My DD did something similar to me once in a crowded restaurant in Vegas. I walked off, other DD followed fortunately as I was so tempted to just get a taxi to airport and leave. DD however completely changed this incident in her head and certainly wouldn’t have apologised. So don’t feel guilty about what you said and did, she needed to hear it and it won’t have done her any harm.

Good luck all 💐

beegin, I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I know nothing about parenting a teen with SN, keep knocking at those CAHMS doors!

I haven’t got very long till mine is 16, but that’s my cut off point for taking phone/ipad at night. I’m looking forward to it. 14 is when the pocket money stop and she needs to get a job.
What I fear the most is irretrievable breakdown in our relationship. I have no idea how to prevent that. Whatever I do, I’m a bad mother who doesn’t understand the yoof of today. I keep on parenting, ensuring she has good sleep/food/clean clothes/a listening ear/a metaphorical punching bag/boundaries etc. But I can see that is alienating my girl, I’m the horrible parent. And I don’t know how to maintain a balance, I’m on a very high up boingy thin line and my back is killing me from engaging every fibre of my core trying not to fuck this kid up.
And breathe....

Dont hold your breath for a job at 14. It's very limited due to employment law.
One tip from me is regarding phones.
The app our pact realy helped me. You can set a time for it to stop connecting to the net which means no nasty confrontations on the landing at night.
I have also been known to report her phone lost so that they cut it off.

Regarding dds.spending money.
The family have paid for the entire holiday they suggested the amount so that they can go on trips out and waterpark etc so if she doesnt have it then it's not fair on them
I'm going to give the parents the outstanding amount without Dd knowing so that they can use it and she still has. The discomfort of going with too little money.
I can barely speak to her.

For anyone beating themselves up about being a crap parent. My confession is that I am a qualified parenting therapist 🙄 I feel like a dreadful failure.

@ledkr I am a highly sought after music teacher I failed miserably at teaching my own and paid someone else.

I like the option of giving the parents the money. Enjoy the peace 💐

Thanks Billy.

So today after two apologies last night. She comes up to ask for a lift to bus so she can have longer to get her costumes ready.
She has a big performance today.
I was in bed and asked why she hadn't got them ready last night. She immediately went back to her own rude self and shouted at us "why are you both just sat staring at me" so I told her that no she wouldn't be getting a lift.
I feel proud but very guilty.
I want to support and help her but cannot do when she is being so horrible.

Sounds exhaustingly familiar Ledkr. I just said to my DH can we sell up and get a one bed flat .... after DD screamed at me for having the audacity to wake her up for a Doc appt .... “all you do is fucking nag”.

The thing is. Although I know that it's the teenage brain and reading on here that it's normal. I find it so difficult to not react to her rudeness and I also think that they have a choice about how to speak to us as they seem to manage OK at college and when speakjng to everyone else she is a picture of friendinesss and really engaging and articulate.
So hard.
I feel like a shell of a woman to be honest. I have been off work with anxiety but I now don't think it's work but her that's causing it.

@Ledkr.....it's a well known fact that professionals in their field struggle with the very thing that they're supposed to be an expert at - the sleep therapist has insomnia, the breastfeeding counsellor has to bottle feed, the midwife opts for a elected C Section, the health visitor struggled with PND etc ....it's just one of life's ironies! I think we sometimes get perversely drawn towards the very cliff edge that we try so hard to avoid.
What is very telling to me about your DD is that she apologises as you said she always apologises. To me, that says there's a fundamentally good heart in there that wants to be loved and do the right thing. The fact that it's short lived etc says to me that she's just young and doesn't spend too long reflectiving or whatever.
Shitty nights sleep last night. MIL 78 rang to tell us very late that she was about to embark on a long road journey...but not to worry, she'd text once she arrived...,only she forgot text and put the shitters up us all night long. Dog got spayed 2 days ago so she's sore and not up for therapeutic walks this week. So I'm doing Pilates on the kitchen floor instead! Trying acupuncture today...,.but go so many issues not sure where to begin - insomnia, menopause, bad knees????

@ledkr and @beegin -welcome to the thread.
You are not alone. Have a good read of the thread.
It has really helped me and others to know that it is not us. We probably spoiled them with a few too many yes answers when they where young and now they still expect everything to be done for them but don't want us in their bedrooms but want it tidied, which I got screamed at for this morning when she didn't get up and I opened her bedroom door to call her again. So I took her phone and she gave out non stop. I gave it back when she was getting out of car and she has snapped me but I haven't opened it as I know it will be all apology and will do the same thing again.
Spends to long on it at night and tired in the morning.

I am also on ad and bp tablets since she was assaulted at school in feb19 as was so anxious everytime she left the house. and she just doesn't care she would walk around by herself.

@pegs enjoy your break

Hope exams are going well for everyone only 2 more to do for my dd1 y11 and they are middle of June.

Room for another?
Dd 14 has had so many issues. We have a court case looming (she's not at fault) then another possibly (again not her fault-she's the victim). She has support outside of school and was really starting to sort herself out then today dm rang.
Bloody idiot has signed up to one of those apps where you ask anonymous questions and posted it to everyone on her Facebook and of course teenagers being teenagers they've asked horrible nasty stuff and the muppet has bloody answered it!
So everyone on her friends list received the link and it goes straight through to the questions and answers!
Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank God I have found this thread. Am am wit's end with our DS's volcanic fury against us. I am lying in bed with adrenaline coursing through me since this evening's tirade. Bleugh.

Welcome (?) to new sufferers. Holiday foulness here too, I stood back as far as I could but when I dared to ask ds to take his headphones out the fury and cursing was unleashed. I actually wonder if my parental love will survive this. I feel numb and brutalised, though I suppose I will be scurrying around again sorting his life out later.

@mogloves argh why do they do this and not thinking it through. It sounds like you’ve got some challenges ahead wishing you all the best.

Hi @nutcutlet, you are not alone.

Half term nearly over (then the next one is the long one 😳)

Hi all, no half term here in NI so school as usual.

This morning Dd was telling me all about how wonderful the BF is and his family. Can I not see how she wouldn't want to spend time with us when they are so amazing??

Apparently she had a terrible childhood and nobody was nice to her

OMG please tell me they come out of this self centred brat stage sometime soon?

I think she just got to me this morning. She has no idea of how much we put into giving her a childhood so much different from what we had.

for everyone else.

As someone who works part time to be here more for my Dc. I am wondering why am I not at work earning money and being appreciated?

Tinkobell sorry to hear about your dh. There’s a lot going on in your life right now, and whilst it’s hard to talk about in real life, there’s nothing wrong with being the one with the misshapen family and letting your real life friends know. I spend a lot of time holding it all together and just occasionally I will let something slip and be surprised at how much support people give you in real life. I hope the specialist has some answers, and that you take care of yourself. Be careful with the pilates, I overdid it the other week and ended up with a very sore core!!!!

Happyinheels the meds will take time to kick in. Be strong and give them time. Good luck!

Bigsandyballs yep, I hate tech. Life always seems better when the phones, xbox and computers are all gone!

Pegsinarow not looking forward to summer. Ds has an op planned for his eye (ongoing condition) and so will be on bed rest for a few weeks which won’t help. We can’t plan anything till I know the date of the op, and even then have to be flexible as will need regular appointments afterwards to tweak the stitches. The other ds just seems to have to hang around and I feel desperately sorry for him.

mcmen71 loved the post about mums!

Welcome MeltedCrayons NutCutlet101 mogloveseggsand Ledkr. Ledkr I agree with Ticklingcheese that you need to have consequences to actions. DS spent his birthday money in one weekend and had a whole month with no money and I refused to bail him out on the grounds that he had pissed it away, he had to deal with it. Not fun, but a necessary lesson.

Beegin Welcome. DS is ASD so does get roped into unhealthy friendships and lacks the skills for communicating. It’s really really hard and I do feel for you. You have to keep pushing GP, school/college and CAMHS if you feel she needs help.
Xeroxarama I also feel that my parental love is running out this half term!!! Numb and brutalised definitely fits with what I am also feeling here. whattodofgs yep, I’m also pt so that I can sort the shit out for the dc. There is no appreciation for that at all at this stage. Possible it comes later, perhaps when they are parents themselves?!

New migraine meds making me feel shitter than a freshly laid turd. Foggy headed, pins and needles and like I am living in another dimension (possibly not a bad side effect in this household). Not sure it is better than migraines. I’ve given it a week and am supposed to be upping the dose but can’t bring myself to double the shitty side effects!

Have been trying to job hunt as contract ends in August, but have no enthusiasm to look and feeling all foggy headed doesn’t help! My confidence is shot as I had thought this contract would continue but clearly it isn’t…

DS is having 1 good day to 2 bad. First week off meds. Yesterday he spent the entire day in bed, but the day before I actually got him to join a gym (sadly expensive one as is really quiet). We also went to see Rocketman together. Slightly depressing to go and see a film about a man with drug and alcohol problems with a teen with drug and alcohol problems but possibly it was a good life lesson? Has done no revision and no college work all week. No word from CAMHS again, will chase today, but has GP appointment next week. Have no idea what to do about college, so am doing nothing – taking a leaf out of his book.

Happy Weekend Pots