Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

With you there. Everything I try to do for myself gets wrecked by teen drama. i have been told three times today already that my son wishes I was dead because I gave him a time to be home by. @ledkr are you actually a parenting expert?! What would you advise yourself? (And us!)

My DS has yr 10 exams next week, he has done literally no work. And none for the rest of the year, so I think he will fail them. He is out with his friends now - I presume they are relaxing with weed. It’s so depressing but he won’t even discuss it with me “chill Mum”, even though the school have warned him if he doesn’t start working he will get no GCSEs. I honestly have no idea what goes on in his head. Gets me down as it is me who will have to try and find another school if he gets chucked out..

fleetheart my dd is y11 doing some gcse this year. She done very little study and kept phone beside her. I said ok do it your way but if you fail them you will do it my way for y12 which will be a timetable for study with me sitting with her and no phone. I wiil get her to do this from sept if she fails any they have to learn from their mistakes.

Xeno not an expert but a qualified NVR practitioner and training in ddp (dyadyc developmental psychotherapy.
It's hard because both of them are for extreme cases.
nvr for violent teens and ddp for traumatised children.
I do try and apply certain strategies to my parenting but when emotions are Involved it's hard as you all know.
I think if I had to give top tips it would be to pick your battles and not hold grudges. In NVR we talk about reconciliation gestures such as leaving them a little treat or making them a cup of tea. (all of which Im crap at)
With violence or risky behaviours you need to state what you expect to change via a letter and also bring in a support network of friends and family who will back you up.
It's hard to put onto a summary. Happy to answer questions if I can.

@Ledkr.....reconciliation gestures, like it. Maybe some might come my way sometime 😁 Or is that hoping for too much?!!!

Can I come in

I’m actuskky feeling suicidal at the moment with my oldest. She’s 19. I’ve ad a lot of support from MN over the years mostly on chat. She overdosed again two weeks ago, 6 days in hospital while they sorted her liver function. No she’s not suicidal. I genuinely am st the moment. It’s okay though I have a lovely dh and younger child I need to be strong for but she’s almost broken me.

Big hugs @rjonline1. I hope your daughter is ok. And you.

Asking advice. I was called a c@@t by my 13 year old son tonight. Im disgusted and so upset. Why...because I told him to get off his xbox. Seriously.
I tried to stay calm but ive taken the xbox and told him its not going back until I get a meaningful apology.
I cant see thst happening. He shows no remorse.
Im a total failure.

He will. Confiscation is great, well done! Shows a hard line. I’ve had everything but that, including fat b@tch. I’ve tried ignoring and punishing, nothing has worked. But the gaming rage is a particular thing and mine at least got through it.

@rjonline1 - oh I am sorry. Just have to keep going even when you’re broken. Day by day. You’re not alone and you can survive this.

Sending cyber hugs @rj. That is so hard. I hope they’ve put in plenty of support for her now if she’s home but I fear that may not be the case.

Stay strong and please remember it is not your fault, you will get through this.

@mrsblondie you’ve done the right thing. Hoping today is calmer for you.

They have put in no support whatsoever. She was supposed to go to her GP but she hasn’t.

I feel s bit more positive this morning. Last night was just too much. She’s now home from uni for the summer, not having attended her exams and still needing to submit good cause. She has an attendance meeting for her work coming up and she’s mid fall out with the few friends she has.

Of course there’s a boyfriend who is a tosser hovering around in this too.

@rj it makes me so angry, getting a teenager in that frame of mind to go to the gp is like getting blood out of a stone so effectively all the nhs are doing are patching her up to have another go, you must be at your wits end.

The summer might be just what she needs, has she done ok this year at uni, I guess just finished first year so hopefully done enough to get onto the second year.

DD was no where near as bad as you are dealing with but actually not working for a while really helped just to get her head sorted, the job was rubbish anyway. She just didn’t have the capacity in her to deal with some of the crap going on at work at the time. If you and DD can afford it could she take some time to recover away from work.

Make sure you take some time for you, it’s so easy to get consumed with trying to fix everything 💐

@rj - so sorry to hear of your agony, it just sounds dreadful. What are her feelings about her uni course? Does she like it, want to continue.....or try something else in time / once sorted maybe?
It sounds like she needs to get to the GP anyway - for her own referral / treatment and / or for a sicknesses note if she decides that she does wish to continue on that course. If she dislikes the course but wants to continue to be close to tosser BF, I'd discourage that as she'll just accumulate needless loan debt. You can make a GP appointment for a family member, on their behalf and then basically drive her down there at short notice....I've done that before now, works fine. Sometimes better to just do things without a load of discussion. Thinking of you, hope the day goes ok xxxx
@Blondie - the c@@t expletive is x box withdrawal talking - they're demons at point of initial withdrawal. Keep him off it.

mrsblondie Well done. I'd have probably jumped up and down on it. How dare he!
It does make us feel. More in control. I felt really pleased the other day when I refused her a lift when she asked me so rudely.

Thank you for this thread. I'm a new poster & a bit nervous. Discovered DD14 was SH last year, initially thought it was just a bit of experimentation and had a chat but not overly worried. Then found at the beginning of this year she'd been doing it again and more severely, we arranged for her to see a psychiatrist through the GP and she was diagnosed with anxiety and low self esteem and recommended CBT.

She has had 5 sessions with a therapist and seemed much happier but I noticed yesterday that her scars were quite prominent, I couldn't tell if they were new or not - she says they are old and she hasn't done anything since starting therapy. The problem is I know she lies but there's nothing I can really do I just feel so down and helpless. If they are new then she needs to be honest and tell her therapist but maybe I'm doing her an injustice in not believing her? It rips me in two seeing what she's done and not being able to make things better for her, thats my job isn't it?

I haven't read this whole thread or the last one but I've read enough to know that I'm with 'my people'.

I have 2 kids - one not my own but he stayed with me when his dad and I split. he put me through the ringer, police, drugs, alcohol, aggression etc. His dad, with whom i'm still on good terms tried his best but is not emotionally adept enough to deal with anything other than practical things and ultimately, he wasn't living it every day....fWe're largely out hte other side with him but we still have huge fights when I can't deal with his selfishness, rudness, entitlement any more - he's 21 this year and I think we are both counting the days til he moves out

Our daughter is 5 years younger, will be 16 later this year - always our sunshine, so sweet, kind and funny and a huge support to me through the tough times with her brother. She has spectacularly fallen apart in the last few months to the point of threatening suicide a fortnight ago. What has unravelled is that she is struggling at school hugely but is an average performer and a huge wit so this has been 'covered' up. She also doesn't feel she can tell me anything because I've 'already been through so much'

I am terrified - we got an emergency referall to the crisis team with camhs who were lovely. She's had a subsequent appointment and they've said she needs an assessment with an Ed Psych - but that may take 6 weeks. I am fortunate in that whilst i can't afford private my boss (who has been amazing) will fund this.

I have thanked her for being there for me and told her that I'm OK now and I'm here for her. She was horrified this morning to find me in tears (I thought she was still sleeping) and she asked if it was her fault - I told her that I'd discovered that when I'm stressed that I cry, that when I cry I feel better and more able to deal with stuff but that it wasn't down to her.

Over hte years I've shared my panic about money (there have been many), my panic about her brother, she has seen him arrested on more than one occasion and instead of supporting her i've leant on her.

I feel AWFUL but also recognise that that isn't going to get me anywhere.

Anyway, I'm babbling but thank you for this thread - I know there are people in my real world here who judge me for what her brother got up to so I'm not ready to share what's happening now with them.

If anyone has been through similar - tell me what the end of the tunnel looks like?

Just joining this thread. Thankful to have found it.

mrseff
Your post shows how dealing with these kids has an effect on the other members of the family. I have a 7 year old so I am gong to try and be more mindful of how things are for her.
I think you are amazing doing all this for a child who isn't a birth child.
Now he is this age though it really is time for him to move on and give you and your daughter some space. Is there a plan in place for this. I'd check with the council as to his option for housing etc as often they get more support before a certain age.
Have you spoken to him about your dd and explained that you need to keep things calm for her, surely at his age he might be able to have a smidgen of empathy and self control.
I'm glad you can't get the assessment complete. I'm a bit of a hippy about education.
My dd was being badly bullied at school and after trying to tackle it for a while we removed her and she started college in year eleven doing a BTEC in performing arts which was what she'd have done a year later.
She is in her third year in sept and is planning on working for Thomas cook as an entertainer in their hotels abroad. She has her gcse English and maths and her BTEC will be enough points for uni if she wants to go at a later date.
I'd be having conversations with her about how education is not the be all and end all, she can do plenty with her life without the bog standard GCSEs etc. And can always do retakes at her own pace.
These poor kids have enough pressure in them without school too.

Hope you have a peaceful day.

@Mrs eff.....I completely second what @Ledkr has said about your dedication to your non bio DS - there are many posters on this thread for whom the biological link alone makes them tolerate and keep supporting their DC's when they lash out. I think you've gone above and beyond many people's perception of care and responsibility, is there any hope his dad stepping up a little, maybe those two could support each other? I think your DD sounds interesting - a girl who is superficially outgoing but struggling underneath. I think my DD has been partly holding back her problems because she doesn't want to burden me and DH further. But communication is the only way; it's been the antidote to human suffering for thousands of years! Few problems are too big that they cannot be talked about. The good thing for your DD is that you do have good experience under your belt, and I'm sure are probably hard to shock. GCSE's can be resat, new plans and goals can be made.

By the way, I just wanted to share that I'd had this £20 accupuncture session last Thursday, OMG. It's like having been given a beta blocker. I feel jet lagged, way less edgy and knackered. Physically weak. Overall I think it's a good thing right now as I was tired but wired. I'm back next week, thankfully I don't need to operate any heavy industrial equipment in my life! 😁

mrseffington welcome. It's tough on the whole family dealing with a teen with mh issues. My younger ds has become more withdrawn since this all started but we try to make time just for him whether it is a trip bowling, or to the cinema, or a walk around the river. It never seems enough as no child should have to be exposed to some of the things ours are, but we are all trying our best. I hope your dd gets the support she needs, but sometimes just being aware of it yourself helps.

Tinkobell I'm booking acupuncture!!! Sounds great.

Welcome RJnomore1 and Neversaygoodbye sorry you're both going through this. Stay strong.

MrsBlondie you're my hero!!! Well done on being firm.

Took myself off the migraine meds on Friday, feeling more human. DS came out running with me on Saturday which was great. Has spent the rest of Saturday and today in bed, not great. Exam tomorrow... has done no revision ...

I have a 6 year old too and often worry about her. Listening to her brother say he hates me etc.
I gave the xbox bsck after he apologised. I said if he ever calls me that again I will take it away for a month.
He is so rude to me still. Just seems the hatred is for me.
Im trying to ignore but its hard. If he sees Im not bothered (I am) maybe he will stop........

Hang in there all. Good luck for the week ahead. Ugh the wake up "go away" etc etc as back to school.

Hi everyone can I join too? I am going through an absolute nightmare with my son (14) to the point I am convinced he definitely is not normal!

Like a few here, he is full of anger and is aggressive, regularly has outbursts and has smashed things up and pushed me over etc. He doesn’t seem to understand consequences therefore punishing him has no effect whatsoever.

He is terribly disruptive in school and is on a reduced time table, often refuses to go to school at all. He has been caught smoking weed off and on for a year or so, I stopped giving him any money and he started dealing. He now says he no longer deals and rarely smokes it but I don’t know if he’s lying or not.

He’s been in trouble with the police several times now and faces the panel of the youth offenders team this week.

I have literally tried everything from offering counselling (he went once and refused to engage) to coming down hard (which made him worse), to rewarding good behaviour (which is effective sometimes), but I feel like a mug as I’m effectively paying him to go to school and try and behave!

Child psychologist advised me to ‘detach’ from the rudeness and verbal abuse - easier said than done, but I’ve got good at it. When he tells me to F off or calls me names I say ‘oh dear maybe I’ll talk to you a bit later when you’re feeling a bit more polite’, smile and walk away, when he tells me to go and kill myself because no one likes me, I reply ‘well yes I could do that, but no-one would be able to make your favourite tea’. When he breaks something I calmly remind him the replacement cost will either be deducted from his Christmas budget or his savings account.

For everyone experiencing sheer nastiness and vitriol, your children do not mean it I guarantee it. They are angry about something else but can’t express it effectively or politely- they love you and need you, at least that’s what I choose to believe.

Keep reminding yourself this is a phase which is not permanent- you will get your children back one day, hopefully well turned out, pleasant young adults.

Thanks bettybishop. Lets hope youre right. I feel I cant cope with the hatred.
Your post has made me think. He is angry with me as he thinks I love his sister more. Guess he is upset really.
Its just a phase on repeat here......

Ps thank goodness for this sanity saving thread

Thanks @BettyBishop how I hope you are right. Just had yet another argument- 3 corkers in one day! - this one about drinking. At 13. Nothing I say seems to get through and worst of all he says it’s because his life is so shit living with us. Objectively this is nonsense but I can see he believes it and just moans all the time about how much he hates us :(