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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Just found out 15 year old DS tried cocaine - how hard do we come down?

114 replies

Oiseau2 · 01/05/2019 11:53

As above really. He's our eldest, turning 16 next week, GCSEs this summer. Very bright, works hard and we generally have a good relationship aside from usual teen arrogance, laziness around the house etc.

Until the Easter holidays he's been in the "cool but nerdy" crowd - hardworking, top sets etc... Then he decided he wanted to "jump ship" and hang with this other crowd ---- the ones you don't want your kids to hang with particularly. (He's at a private boys day school). Anyway long story short I found out yesterday for sure he did cocaine at a party. We are sitting on this at the moment while we figure out what to do. DH wants to come down super hard - phone changed for a rubbish non-smartphone, money taken away, picked up straight from prom - no after party etc etc. I swing from wanting to lock him up to not wanting to push him away and make him more rebellious.

He doesn't like being in trouble with us, he likes it when we are all friends and get on. But my concern is he seems to think drugs are really glamorous and cool ... he's fascinated by it and I can just see he could easily fall into being one of those idiots that just does drugs all the time. His bio-Dad (DH is step dad but been with me since he was 18mths so is Dad and he sees him as Dad - no issues there) is total tool and still takes drugs .... This is what scares me more than anything - that he will end up like bio-Dad.

Any advice very gratefully received.

OP posts:

ALittleBitofVitriol · 03/05/2019 01:50

Team tonne of bricks. Actually, team metric fuck-tonne of bricks.

He needs to know that this is really serious

I would be working hard to get him away from those 'friends' - either a softly approach "true friends don't want you to fuck up your life on drugs", or a too busy approach - fill his life with actual fun and meaningful activity, or yep a hard ass approach - change schools. Probably all 3.

Can you talk to the school?

ALittleBitofVitriol · 03/05/2019 01:52

Adding, if his dad is a drug addict, then there is a decent chance your son could be genetically more susceptible to addiction too.
This would be an emergency in my house.

blubblubblub · 03/05/2019 02:14

I'm in no way suggesting that your DC will become an addict, but you need to come down hard now.
My sibling died last year of an overdose, after being an addict for 20+ years. It's started with the usual experimentation at school, nothing that seemed too alarming, but gradually got worse. But just a tiny bit worse every few months/years so it wasn't really noticeable. By the time family realised it was a major problem, they were a full blown addict.
If you let this instance slide, do you let the next one in a few months slide? When do you come down hard?
On the face of it, a one time experiment may seem minor to many, and it probably is, but as PP have suggested, if there's an addictive type personality involved or pre-disposed tendency, there could be major consequences. Your DC may even just like the feeling they get and choose to continue.
My thoughts are with you OP.

OkPedro · 03/05/2019 02:18

I didn’t take drugs because of peer pressure or being “with the wrong crowd”
I was escaping, wanting to dull pain etc.
IMO most people take drugs and get drunk because they want to escape.
If you can have a conversation with your son about how he’s feeling about his Dad and about exams. Is everything ok with school. Is he struggling with revision. Is he being bullied.
Coming down hard might just push him away. When my family cornered me they told me I was not allowed out at weekends. I wasn’t allowed see my friends. No one asked me why. It certainly didn’t stop me taking drugs.
I would be devastated if my children started taking drugs but I would want to know why and what led them to it. And for what it’s worth, it’s usually alcohol that leads to drug taking. Alcohol is the gateway drug

BertrandRussell · 03/05/2019 11:06

In my opinion team tonne of bricks are wanting (understandably but wrongly) to do something but it won’t do any good at all at this age. It’ll just make him shut off, stop communicating and carry on.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 03/05/2019 13:10

You tend to get zero tolerant after you've buried family members and friends.

BertrandRussell · 03/05/2019 13:12

Really? I find it makes me want to think of ways which might be more helpful than the methods already tried. Like the tonne of bricks method.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 03/05/2019 13:18

Yes, really.

Fazackerley · 03/05/2019 13:21

I think it's a myth that the tonne of bricks method doesn't work. I think it often does actually IF the kids deep down want to get themselves out if this situation. If they actively want to take drugs then nothing will stop them.

Squeegle · 05/05/2019 15:56

Has anyone actually tried the tonne of bricks method with any lasting success? It seems to be put forward mainly by those without teens, or certainly without independent minded rebellious teens.

BabyDueDecember2019 · 05/05/2019 16:16

No experience of this but I agree with educating him on risks so he realises how unethical and deadly drugs are. Otherwise when the grounding stops he'll just do it again

Fazackerley · 05/05/2019 16:16

My teens are certainly independent minded. Not rebellious, if by rebellious you mean doing what your peers do to look cool

gemmaxyz · 05/05/2019 16:26

For me education was the way, the law, getting a record, prison, health, how it affects future, needing more and more as addiction grows, having to fund it, taking all your wages, affecting relationships.
The future and ss should he have children. etc etc.

As someone who also really wanted to be cool in teens and twenties, I don't think there's been enough on this, and on the travel.

If he wants to rebel and scenes like this appeal to him, the ethical side is less likely to have an impact as part of the appeal is transgressing that. (It is very easy to imagine a bunch of private school sixth form boys laughing about how their coke has been up someone's bum, isn't it?)

But the idea of it being more difficult to get visas to travel - e.g. the visa waiver form for the USA which asks about drugs, and the way they search phones. And the way that getting in any trouble with the law will affect his chances of getting the kind of well-paid jobs that a lad like this probably wants - these are things that might have an impact. Teenagers are self-interested creatures.

RussellSprout · 05/05/2019 16:34

I was a teenage druggie, I remember thinking the adults were so square, uninformed and wrong... I don't think there's really a lot you can do to stop him if I'm honest. You'll make the fruit more forbidden and therefore more alluring.

Punish him, don't punish him.... if he wants to experiment he will if not now then certainly when he's a bit older. I really don't think you can stop him, some lessons we just need to learn for ourselves.

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