Just found out 15 year old DS tried cocaine - how hard do we come down?

[Oiseau2]

As above really. He's our eldest, turning 16 next week, GCSEs this summer. Very bright, works hard and we generally have a good relationship aside from usual teen arrogance, laziness around the house etc.

Until the Easter holidays he's been in the "cool but nerdy" crowd - hardworking, top sets etc... Then he decided he wanted to "jump ship" and hang with this other crowd ---- the ones you don't want your kids to hang with particularly. (He's at a private boys day school). Anyway long story short I found out yesterday for sure he did cocaine at a party. We are sitting on this at the moment while we figure out what to do. DH wants to come down super hard - phone changed for a rubbish non-smartphone, money taken away, picked up straight from prom - no after party etc etc. I swing from wanting to lock him up to not wanting to push him away and make him more rebellious.

He doesn't like being in trouble with us, he likes it when we are all friends and get on. But my concern is he seems to think drugs are really glamorous and cool ... he's fascinated by it and I can just see he could easily fall into being one of those idiots that just does drugs all the time. His bio-Dad (DH is step dad but been with me since he was 18mths so is Dad and he sees him as Dad - no issues there) is total tool and still takes drugs .... This is what scares me more than anything - that he will end up like bio-Dad.

Any advice very gratefully received.

Reading would definitely be a no no from me, there needs to be direct consequences to his behaviour. Prom only if he pulls his socks up and gets through gsces with no further incidents.

@Iamheretoday maybe I should add that DS is nearly 19 but is autistic and just about to do alevels a year behind his peers. He is a vulnerable adult who makes huge mistakes to be popular. I took his car because he showed he wasn't responsible enough to be trusted. The drugs tests I bought were for 5 main drugs and now we have the other 2 on standby for random tests.
Yes it may be a violation but he isn't mature enough to be trusted and he lives in my house. I have a duty to protect him and my other children!

Tonne of bricks. A couple of cheeky ciders at 15 is all you should have to worry about. No parties, no socialising, anything. And cut off any supply to money so that it’s impossible for him to buy any if he manages to find an opportunity.

I meant he hates it when I'm fed up with him.

In that case the "you'll need to earn my trust and respect back" should work pretty well. It also has the added bonus of being true.

a real life friend suggested taking him to NA a la Eastenders at the moment!

That would certainly embarrass him, but probs not the best idea! It is really hard as adults to see teenagers making such poor choices. But the best way to handle that is to give them honest information. I still remember the FRANK "if hugs and happiness were the only effect of ecstasy we'd all be doing it" advert and that really struck a chord with me. As hard as it is I think we have to be honest with teenagers that there are upsides to most drugs. Its just that the downsides are so much bigger that it is rarely worth the risk!

@Bonkerz Can you ground an almost 19 year old? I was out clubbing at his age taking all sorts of drugs, life was one big party. I can understand the OP being concerned about a 16 year old but your son is an adult.

I would ground anyone who lived in my house whatever their age. Dd1 is 19 and if I had proof she was doing drugs I'd take her car keys away no question.

I did a lot of drugs from 15+. I think with something like coke I'd not only speak to him/research with him the dangers but also discuss the wider implications of taking it. It's incredibly harmful to the environment and to communities especially in south America. Basically if you take coke you've got blood on your hands, someone's died along the way for you to get that gram. I think at that age if I was more aware of the history of the drug and how it affects more people than the individual user that would have had more of a lasting effect on me.

I wouldn't stop him from going to the prom but I'd say he has to socialise at home with his friends rather than go to their houses unless he is friends with others who have parents you trust.
I'd find the pictures of people like Leah Betts, Rachel Whitear and Wu Guilin and look at them with him - make it a condition of going to the prom if that's your way of doing things. Talk to him and explain that you don't want to come down heavy on him but that you want to help him make the right choices for him to not end up like that and ask him how you can help.

4sq metres of the rainforest destroyed for every gram www.theguardian.com/world/2008/nov/19/cocaine-rainforests-columbia-santos-calderon

Very tricky. Some kids will respond to the tonne of bricks approach, others will respond better to reasoning and educating of the risks, guilt tripping.

I know it's not the same thing but I was caught underage drinking at 14 and I was only grounded for a day. But the guilt and anger from my parents lasted so much longer and had a lasting impression on me.

Only you know how he's likely to react. I would seek advice.

So stressful for you, I'd be up the walls.

Thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to reply - really helps to know I'm not over-reacting.

Now to stay calm whilst confronting and not become hysterical.

Re - is there something else going on - we are going to probe on this .... I have thought about offering counselling but the thought of paying £45/£50 a week for him to go and talk about himself for an hour sticks rather largely in my throat right now!!! (I get that this isn't the point btw!)

@userxx as stated before he is also autistic and despite his age he isn't mature and is vulnerable. While he lives under my roof I have a duty of care to teach him life lessons. One of those is not to do drugs and then drive a car!!!!!! If his test is positive he loses his car! And yes I feel I can ground him. It's that or kick him out. Thankfully he respects me enough to listen to me.

I also booked him drug counselling with the local free service which he is still attending. They did blood tests on him too as apparently he shared straws when doing cocaine which means a risk of hiv etc.

@Bonkerz Apologies, I didn't read your follow up post. It now makes sense to me.

I think I would firstly give him the opportunity to own up - a case Is there anything that’s happened you’ve done lately that you think we need to talk about ? If he bare face lies to you then I would be more harsh in the consequences than if his face hits the floor and he cries and sings like a canary ! In that situation I would probably go down the route of how completely disappointed and heartbroken you are that he would do something like this and give a few days of cold shoulder to let him punish himself effectively then in a few days when you tell him you have calmed down and then have conversation about the risks the path it can lead down etc.
If he lies it’s a whole new ball game unfortunately and I’m not really sure how I would handle that but I can see you have already got lots of useful advice !
I have a 15 year old ds myself so understand how an awful a situation this must be for you to deal with xxx

Teen-agers experiment with drugs. I took a lot of drugs between 15 and about 22. There is nothing my parents could have done about it to be honest.

I really really don't think severe punishment is appropriate or sensible. He is a young curious person trying something because it is fun and enjoyable.

Educate him and keep lines of communication open. One day you won't have any control over him because he will be too old - the drugs will still be freely available. So he needs to think with his own mind.

Drugs are a normal part of life for many young people and have been for many many years. I grw up in the 90s and drugs were widely used by everyone I knew.

Some really naive comments on here - doing a line or two of coke is not wild or out of control drug use so don't overreact.

And let's face it. People die and get sick from alcohol abuse every single day in the UK including teen-agers.

Stopping his prom would make him resentful and bitter. Try to see his curiosity about drugs as natural and manage it with information about risk not with punishment.. if you want to PM/DM me I'm happy to give more info about drugs and drug use.

I think when you talk to him you should tell him about your fears he will become like his biological father.

Some people have a tendency to addiction, he may well have inherited that from his dad and need to be more careful than his peers.

He texted his bio-dad to swap notes & tips. Then bio-dad somehow shared the info with his now 2nd ex-wife. How very Jeremy Kyle (!)

He'll be expelled from posh private school if school finds out (happened to some of DD's buddies, 3m ago).

I had cocaine at age 15 (36 yrs ago) so am a bit laid back.

Yeah. My mind changed when you said his bio dad was a druggie and he texted him to tell him and seek advice on other drugs.

Seems he wants to impress his bio dad. Thinks he's cool.

I think that's your problem right there. He wishes to emulate his bio dad.

You need to work out why, what's going on there.

My father, technically an irresponsible idiot, purely accidentally got this right with me when I was a teen: I was rebellious and stubborn, so no amount of grounding and punishing would have helped (I'd just have felt incentivised).

He took me aside one day when I was about 15 and told me that, since I was of the age when I might want to try things, he needed me to be safe and to come to him instead of buying stuff stretched with rat poison off some guy on the street.

While I probably smoked a metric ton of weed as a teen, I never touched any of the hard stuff at all. The mere thought of my father being okay with it put me off for life.

Not suggesting you go there (for starters, my dad is actually batshit insane and was being entirely serious - and hence made a credible sales pitch that I doubt most parents would be able to pull off). All I'm suggesting is that different things will work on different kids. I was out of control as a teen - this was arguably the one instance of parental interference that I responded positively to in an 8 year period.

OP, I was like your son. I switched friend groups and started experimenting with a few drugs and trying to be “cool”. My parents went down the punishment route. They didn’t care why I’d changed or what was going on for me. Punishment didn’t change any of the feelings I was dealing with, or my desire to do as I had been. It just made it impossible to talk to them and made me feel quite alone. It fractured our relationship because I was miserable and they pushed me away. Please consider why your son has changed friends and how he might be feeling. Teenage years can be very traumatic and difficult to navigate; trying Coke isn’t the worst thing in the world as long as he continues to be motivated in life and attain his goals.

Oh and please don’t take him to NA. It’s not a freak show to be used for others.

I knew someone who tried weed at 16. Parents grounded him, tonne of bricks, no prom I believe, constant drug tests. Didn't bother to ask if anything was going on or why the sudden interest in drugs.

He went to uni and died at 19 of a heroin overdose as he went overboard once he was away from them.