Just found out 15 year old DS tried cocaine - how hard do we come down?

[Oiseau2]

As above really. He's our eldest, turning 16 next week, GCSEs this summer. Very bright, works hard and we generally have a good relationship aside from usual teen arrogance, laziness around the house etc.

Until the Easter holidays he's been in the "cool but nerdy" crowd - hardworking, top sets etc... Then he decided he wanted to "jump ship" and hang with this other crowd ---- the ones you don't want your kids to hang with particularly. (He's at a private boys day school). Anyway long story short I found out yesterday for sure he did cocaine at a party. We are sitting on this at the moment while we figure out what to do. DH wants to come down super hard - phone changed for a rubbish non-smartphone, money taken away, picked up straight from prom - no after party etc etc. I swing from wanting to lock him up to not wanting to push him away and make him more rebellious.

He doesn't like being in trouble with us, he likes it when we are all friends and get on. But my concern is he seems to think drugs are really glamorous and cool ... he's fascinated by it and I can just see he could easily fall into being one of those idiots that just does drugs all the time. His bio-Dad (DH is step dad but been with me since he was 18mths so is Dad and he sees him as Dad - no issues there) is total tool and still takes drugs .... This is what scares me more than anything - that he will end up like bio-Dad.

Any advice very gratefully received.

I would go heavy on being disappointed - as a teen this got me more than actual punishments, as I was rebellious but also hated letting people down. I would ban parties up until the prom and saw he has to earn your trust again for that?

Not sure the tonne of bricks approach works-this is a crucial age for keeping communications open. How did you find out?

It’s a tough one OP.

I had super super strict parents and once I was away from them I was a party girl. Can’t say I was “addicted” to cocaine but if I did it I binged and binged and would be on 3/4 day benders

I consider myself lucky- through my addiction I met people who would exchange sexual favours for it, would rob their own families blind to fund their habits and not to mention the people who died from overdoses or were left battered and bruised by some pissed off drug dealer because they had outstanding drug debt. It can put ALOT of strain on yourself- not just from the coke, but as with everything there is consequences. I’ve seen it literally destroy people and completely change them and tear families apart.

I can understand you not wanting your son to rebel really I do- but it’s a dark and dangerous path he is choosing to go down.

has he got a social conscience?

I'd go with an approach centred around a proper conversation, covering 1) the ethics of the drugs and 2) what is a reasonable sanction.

1. the ethics. saying 'you're an intelligent boy. you know that illegal drug taking is daft. I won't lecture you on that and insult your intelligence. But did you know /care about the trail of destruction that coke makes in order that a privileged boy like you can get a few cheap thrills? torture, murder, destruction of land, families losing kids, people dying when smuggling, women coerced/threatened by violence into smuggling, widespread bribery and corruption that takes funds away from kids' education in countries that have little enough as it is and forces countries like ours to pay millions in prevention and detection. The rise and power of evil crime syndicates who stop at nothing to make even more money. How high the death toll is per gram you snort up your over-privileged nose? how cool is that? Suggest he researches it.
2. re sanctions/ punishment, start off by telling him (you and DH together) what you have both considered ie grounding, phones, stopping allowance etc, etc and why you are struggling to decide what to do - that you are worried that he'll end up like his dad, that you'll push him away etc. Then ask him what he thinks is a reasonable sanction. sounds a bit mad but actually what it does is open up a true conversation where he really starts to take responsibility for his actions. he knows what he has done is illegal. he knows its bad for him. he knows you both love him and want him to be happy and he expects you to act in his interests - this is just a way of giving a proportionate punishment that might just make him actually stop and think and change his attitude.

I've used this technique with my oldest and it seemed to work. it's a refreshing change from the usual shouting that he's expecting and most importantly it start to open up a channel of communication peer to peer that is instrumental in a healthy relationship with your boy/ almost man/ but still so little, child.

hope this helps.

I'm a strict parent. I make it quite clear I think drugs are a huge waste of time and money. I've also told them what to do if they ignore me, try drugs and have a bad time. We discussed the death of that poor woman at a festival and talked about how if her boyfriend had taken her to the first aid tent she might still be alive. We also talked about how she lost her mind to the extent she was eating thorns and hitting herself. We've talked about how this isn't the same as having a line of cocaine, but you never know how drugs will affect you. We've also discussed the lowering of inhibitions through drugs and alcohol. And mainly we've talked about how drugs are illegal, you can go to prison or at least have drugs on your record which will affect you if you want to teach in the future.

Lightlypoached's idea is really good. Whenever I've had chats with my kids about what consequences there should be they come down much harder on themselves than I'd expect. If he's arrogant, I'd big up his talent and day you don't want it to go to waste. If have a good, honest chat about how he sees his bio Dad. He's probably using his bio Dad a bit too injured his new friend set, and vice versa. What did bio dad reply to ds? Decibel don't push him into the arms of bio dad, but he did need to see that you take it very, very, very seriously and are super disappointed.

Injured =impress

I agree @lightlypoached has a great idea.

I honestly think you need a calm and open conversation about why he took it in the first place. Then education on the drug itself and what it’s mixed with, the full effects on it, (there’s a good reason it’s a class A) how addictive and destructive it can be, that it is not a “party drug” and then you need to consider punishment for it.

Firstly you need to deal with the cause of why he took it. If there’s something going on that needs to be dealt with first.

I've had a teenager. I'm with your husband.

Yeah me too (with your dh). I'd want to know I'd made it as clear as I possibly could go wrong this is. If he then ignores you and does it anyway at least you've done your best.

I have no wish to know what drugs if any my teens have taken unless they become ill, so I don't care about not being a cool parent who can chat about the best type of ecstasy. That's what mates are for.

Agree with lightlypoached and christmasmiracle. You need to find out why he chose to do it, open a channel of communication with him. Coming down like a tonne of bricks could push him away from you and towards the people who may have got him to try it in the first place. If you have a YP substance misuse team in your area, give them a call as they can be a really good resource too.
We have a prison programme where we take YPs who have dabbled to prison for half a day to show them where their choices could lead them

I’ve got one teenager and had another. Tonnes of bricks don’t work. Neither does telling them horror stories. They know perfectly well that the vast majority of people who take drugs come to no harm. Talking about the ethics of it might help a bit. Talking about how it make you do stupid stuff might help. Talking about how much it costs and getting him to look clear eyed at the people in his circle and decide whether he actually likes them or not (my dd had a revelatory moment about the cocaine users in her circle). But you may end up just having to ride it out. I’m expecting to be lambasted for that. But in the overwhelming majority of cases it’s “just a phase”

Surely the point is to raise an adult who can think for themselves? At this age I don't see the usefulness of severe punishment.

I agree with others who say the reason behind the change in friendship groups may be key. I would actually be looking into getting him some therapy. I know that he has a good relationship with you and his step-dad but the issues with his bio-dad will have had an effect on him. He's also coming up to GCSEs, he's probably feeling the pressure, particularly given his school environment. I really think that having someone emotionally detached from the situation who he can talk to in complete confidence and with absolutely no expectations and judgement would be a good thing. In combination with others things too, but I think coming from a rational point of view rather than coming down like a ton of bricks is likely to be far more effective in the long run.

tonnes of bricks don't work for your teens.

Teens listen to their mates. They don't need me to be their best mate. I have opinions about drugs that I'm willing to share. If they listen then great. If they don't then at least I've been honest with them. I know a lot about drugs.

In my experience it’s all about who they hang out with.

The pressure to be seen to be cool is massive if you are seduced by it.
If they really want to do drugs to fit in with their friends, it’s very hard to stop. Their friends have the most influence at this point in life.
Will he change schools for 6th form? Are some people likely to leave?
Hopefully it’s just experimentation and is just a phase in school and they will realise it’s not cool being stoned and out of control.
I think like some others have said, it’s really hard to not encounter drugs at this age, sometimes they try it just to be part of the gang and then they can say, they tried it but didn’t like it to save face.

It's all about being matter of fact, understanding but also not tolerating poor behaviour.

Be open to discussion with why he's rebelling now. Tonne of bricks may or may not atop the coke taking but it will mean he does not feel he can talk to you.

I'd rather my child confided in me and made some mistakes I could help them learn from than pull away from me.

This doesn't mean I'd just let them get on with it. There would be no parties until after exams. I'd explain I'm concerned for their welfare and I really feel they'd regret not focusing on their exams.

This way they know that you will not be letting them socialise outside of school but explaining just why this is the case.

It may be inevitable when older he will experiment but at least if you educate right, you can make the chances of these experiments being safer a lot more likely.

So many teens do not feel listened to or they feel like they are being babied. Now there's often a good reason, but without explaining the reasons that teen will just feel bossed around.

Guidance with boundaries.

He obviously thinks he can bond with bio-dad about drugs.Is there any chance bio-dad would step up, stop being fun dad and kick his backside about this? I have a funny feeling that might have more impact.
Drugs are rife at private school and I'd be tempted to come down on him hard because they very quickly move from cocaine to other stuff.

We are planning to confront this weekend - I have pages and pages of notes I've made and all this is soooo useful, thank you to everyone taking the time. The plan is confront, question, sanctions (we have to do some otherwise look like total all talk no action as DH has been very clear it's his red line in the past) and lots of talking. Poor kid is going to be bored to death by this .... I'm also sending him to talk to a friend of mine who got into trouble with Coke in her 20s.

With regard to issues with bio-dad - CheekyWee you are right this is definitely the case and I am going to book him to see someone to talk stuff through. There is other stuff going on - pressure for exams (he came top of his year in Mocks and they are talking about Cambridge for him at school - this is not being pushed by us) and I think he's thinking he hasn't done enough revision ....

As far as bio-dad stepping up - not a chance - I grabbed a quick look at their text messages this morning and bio-dad is calling DS "Pablo" ..... FFS!!!!!! this is what I am dealing with .....

We do have a good relationship with bio-grandad and DS sees him every week. He has an uneasy relationship with bio-Dad but bank rolls him to a certain extent so does have some power over him, (it's all screwed up - and I am becoming more aware as I am writing this down that issues are running deep) we are going to talk to him and tell him that bio-Dad knew and didn't tell us. I hope he will maybe be able to shut down the "aren't we cool" club .... but who knows.

I hope it goes well when you talk to him and that you can nip it in the bud! Sounds as though he's got a lot going on. Really don't think school should be talking about Cambridge before he's even sat his GCSEs - like he's not under enough pressure already!

Find him some of the many articles about the amount of innocent blood spilled by drug suppliers. National Geographic is a good place to look.

Sadly too much experience of this. I went to a mixed private and the worst it got was a joint once. My brother went to a same sex private where I think drugs mainly happened after GCSEs. He got ruined at Reading aged 17, never saw a band. Several of the group he associated with ended up with psychosis (including my brother).

At that age its about stimulation seeking and peer groups.

Make sure he describes the circumstances, why does he think he did it, what were the draw factors.

Express disappointment, potential harm etc. Also make sure he knows he would be out if he ever bought them under your roof.

Be clear what your expectations are of him now. Be rational with consequences. Discuss his future plans goals.

I'd keep him in over exam period.

But longer term look to build confidence and self esteem and broaden horizons.

Have a look at NCS, maybe one for later.

No one has mentioned telling the school they have a drug problem.

Teens will experiment at some point! Don't be too hard on your self. I was 14 when I first tried it and it wasn't something I tried again until my early 20s. It never affected my adult life it was something that my peers did socially. Talk to him about it and express your concern but the likely hood is it's something that will probably happen again at an older age. Just drill in the importance of being in safe place with people he trusts if it's something that's inevitable.