Just found out 15 year old DS tried cocaine - how hard do we come down?

[Oiseau2]

As above really. He's our eldest, turning 16 next week, GCSEs this summer. Very bright, works hard and we generally have a good relationship aside from usual teen arrogance, laziness around the house etc.

Until the Easter holidays he's been in the "cool but nerdy" crowd - hardworking, top sets etc... Then he decided he wanted to "jump ship" and hang with this other crowd ---- the ones you don't want your kids to hang with particularly. (He's at a private boys day school). Anyway long story short I found out yesterday for sure he did cocaine at a party. We are sitting on this at the moment while we figure out what to do. DH wants to come down super hard - phone changed for a rubbish non-smartphone, money taken away, picked up straight from prom - no after party etc etc. I swing from wanting to lock him up to not wanting to push him away and make him more rebellious.

He doesn't like being in trouble with us, he likes it when we are all friends and get on. But my concern is he seems to think drugs are really glamorous and cool ... he's fascinated by it and I can just see he could easily fall into being one of those idiots that just does drugs all the time. His bio-Dad (DH is step dad but been with me since he was 18mths so is Dad and he sees him as Dad - no issues there) is total tool and still takes drugs .... This is what scares me more than anything - that he will end up like bio-Dad.

Any advice very gratefully received.

Like a ton of bricks at this age imo especially with coke.

That's so scary op. Did he tell you ? How did you find out? Did it scare him or did he like it?

Oh wow.

My instinct would be to ban parties between now and the end of GCSEs, on a 'you can't be trusted and anyway it's GCSEs' basis.
Then after GCSEs ban the 'after party' on same basis.

And also do some research together on negative effects of drug taking.

I don’t have a teenager yet but I’d fall on the tonne of bricks side too over such a major incident

I'm with you DH.

I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks. I don't think I would even allow him to go the prom.

If you allow him to push boundaries with you let him get away with it then he will push those boundaries even further.

He doesn't like being in trouble with us, he likes it when we are all friends and get on This your problem he stopped seeing you as parents. YOU need to parent him and not be his friend. This doesn't mean you can't all get along as you have been but HE needs to know that YOU and DH are still in charge and you have expectations that HE has to live by.

Probably going to get flamed for what I'm about to say. I agree with you. I was a very rebellious teen and did lots of drugs and drunk a lot (before I fell pregnant at 16 and have been responsible ever since!). My mum didn't know, but honestly, when people told me it was bad I'd just have wanted to do it more. I was just experimenting. I knew it was bad, I was never addicted, I just wanted people to like me and doing risky things made people think I was cool. Obviously some drugs are worse than others. I would definitely chat with him about it, see what he is thinking, he might not have enjoyed it at all and might be heavily regretting it now! I do understand it's a very serious matter and I think it depends on how he responds - if he's very blasé about it, acting like it doesn't matter etc, I'd probably be a bit harder on him. He does need to know the seriousness of it, the legality and how dangerous it can be, it is scary, but if he understands that already and you try to punish him he could just start to resent you.

Freedoms in the summer contingent on buckling down to exams now, no parties or socialising with new friends 'because of exams and because you took cocaine' You can't really over do the boundaries in this situation.

I sort of agree with you. Just punishing him is just going to make you think you're totally square and don't 'get it'. I'd treat him like a grown up and give him as much info as I could on how it affects teens and as much info as I could on how bad the cocaine trade is. Then ask him if it's still cool and say how disappointed you are but mostly you worry about his future. You can punish him as well.
Then I'd play the Half Man Half Biscuit song 'What made Colombia famous' over and over.("What made Colombia famous, has made a prick out of you") But then I love that song.

My instinct would be to ban parties between now and the end of GCSEs, on a 'you can't be trusted and anyway it's GCSEs' basis.
Then after GCSEs ban the 'after party' on same basis

Yes!

I remember friends with super heavy disciplining parents usually being the most rebellious and indulging in most reckless behaviour, so I agree with you that you need to be careful not to push him away.
I would show him the stories of teens who have died taking drugs at festivals and parties and explain how dangerous it is, how you never really know what you are taking. Also how drugs can ruin lives. The difference between drugs when you were young and what they’re like now- the difference between weed and skunk etc, so nowadays even just a joint can be way more serious than it once was.
If he is bright and doesn’t want like being in trouble, use that to challenge him to think seriously and mature it, discuss trust and set sensible boundaries.
I don’t see how changing his phone would really do anything, or a life long ban on parties or seeing friends. You really need to get him on board and to understand why it is serious.

I remember friends with super heavy disciplining parents usually being the most rebellious and indulging in most reckless behaviour, so I agree with you that you need to be careful not to push him away

Ime it was the kids that were never allowed to do anything who rebelled big time, OP already allows parties so I don't think that applies here.

He needs serious educating on where cocaine comes from, the violent cartels it funds, the poor people who die to produce it, the exploited people who traffic it, and point out that it gets trafficked either in the stomach or up the arse so he's sniffing shit particles.

Dealing with this as well - I used to be in "tonne of bricks" camp..but like you my DD just shy of 15 (!!!) has a fascination that scares me and I am 90% sure she has tried both ket and cocaine. DH thinks its a bluff. Spoke to a therapist who said we should not repel but try to talk calmly about the attraction...if you have a good relationship already get to the bottom of why the change in friends. Everyone does something for a reason even teens, if this is out of character explore that first.

I was about to write exactly was Thisistheendgame wrote above! He’s 15, and so invincible in his mind - go down the facts & evidence route - the amount of blood spilled per gram, the cartels, the trafficking, the exploitation. There are documentaries you can watch together as part of his punishment! Then documentaries & articles on the effects of it on the brain aged under 25, and the impact on the heart. Bore him senseless and some of it will sink in.

I have friends that started taking coke at this age I'm 26 live in a reasonably nice area of Leeds. Round here it's the norm everyone my age and younger are doing it even my nieces 🙈

I don't do it I'm not sure how I managed to by pass it but I did 👍👍 my friends and family members have said it's just as normal to them as having an alcoholic drink and like some people have a social smoke when drinking lots of young people now do coke in the same behaviour pattern 🙈🙈
I'd go down the root of no socialising so no opportunity to do it show the risks. But sadly it's so hard to avoided even the nicest, expensive bars in Leeds are full of coke it's everywhere and so hard to avoid especially when young people are impressionable.

Like a tonne of bricks and add in that you are scared he will turn out like his bio dad (providing he thinks bio dad is a tool obviously).

On a slight tangent, how do you talk abut his biological dad together - as a “total tool”? On some level he probably identifies a bit with his biological dad, if only in recognition of the fact that he’s genetically related to him. That might be part of the ‘experimenting’ going on here, at least unconsciously. I think at that age you can often be thinking quite hard about where you come from as part of working out who you are.

He’s not yet 16 and you can’t remove him from social life indefinitely, so I’d try something more constructive than a “tonne of bricks”. In a couple of years he could be at uni, he needs to learn to set his own boundaries with your help now so that he is equipped for the future.

This is so tricky. As previous posters have stated, you don't want to push him away and for him to rebel.

How did you find out? As that could be an issue on his behalf too if you have looked on his mobile etc.

I also went to same sex private school, and drugs were strife. I guess because the money was there! My parents were young and pretty chilled out, but I was disciplined. I actually got involved with a group of people outside of my school, where I started to smoke, then it let to weed and then coke/MDMA. My parents never knew, or if they did they never said anything! But it was very casual, weekends and parties etc. I wish my parents found out, and I wish they came down on me as I then went on to do more until my late teens really.

It's not their fault! Obviously, I was just reckless and got easily swayed. But I think you need to stop him from being around it. Showing him videos etc won't do anything, I bet you. I knew what drugs did, I was shown videos and things at schools, a picture of that young girl who was found in her room after taking heroin etc. I still took drugs. It's ignorance at that age. You think you are invincible.

Take control, be firm, as this could be the beginning of something that you won't want to happen for his future.

I am now 30, very good job and have a 7 year old. He is at private school also, and this is something that I know he will be around at some point. It's scary!

It’s also not a case of a tonne of bricks vs being soft and trying to stay friends. You need to be the parent, but that doesn’t just mean punishment.

Anyway long story short I found out yesterday for sure he did cocaine at a party.

I think your response should depend on how you found out. If he came clean voluntarily because he wanted to talk about it then the "tonne of bricks" method will simply stop him telling you stuff and keeping an open dialogue is important. In that case I wouldn't ban him from his friends or parties (though that should naturally stop because exams start in a couple of weeks).

If you found out another way I'd go with banning parties because he can't be trusted. You trusted him to behave responsibly while at a party and he broke that trust. It is something he will have to earn back and the lack of parties and socialising is simply a natural consequence. I would also refuse pocket money on the grounds that I'm not prepared to fund drug use. I wouldn't swap his phone though - that is too far imo.

I would, however, again talk to him about his interest in drugs. Ask him why he wanted to try it and what he thought of it. You can talk to him about the significant risk to his health and the stuff mentioned upthread about the human cost of the illegal drugs trade, but if you/he don't get to the bottom of what the appeal was in the first place then I don't think you can realistically expect to prevent it from happening again.

I agree w Cordelia. V sage advice.

Do you know what prompted the friendship group shift OP? This is probably what's at the bottom of the whole 'drugs are glamorous & cool' narrative, it's a form of fitting in with the social group.

Is your source reliable, do you know 100% he tried coke?

I see what other posters are saying, I took drugs from 16+ years and my parents never knew and I didn't get addicted, but my exH did. If this were my teen I'd want to talk to him about it, how it happened & why. And whether he's intending to do it again.

Instead of punishing hard for the drug use, I'd probably be looking at how to get him to step back from the new friends. Are the new friends within school?

What thisistheendgame said.
For what it's worth, I did drugs as a teenager. Best thing my very anti-drug parents did was talk to me about where the drugs came from (as per endgames post) and the risks I was taking. They also let me know that they'd be extremely disappointed if I continued to take them (I did for a while) but would always always help if I needed it. That saved one of my friends when she was overdosing at a party when we were 16 and I called my dad where everyone else was too scared to act.

I'm now a mother of two and when mine reach the teenage years I hope to take more of an education/ open discussion than punishment route.....but best laid plans & all that.....

Best thing I did when DS dabbled was purchase some testing kits from amazon. We have them for cocaine and weed. I now do random tests and if positive he gets grounded and his car removed. He's nearly 19 but this has stopped him messing with drugs.

I would bloody lock him up for sure coke is very very damaging that stuff can ruin your life, I've seen it first hand and the younger the more susceptible.