Just found out 15 year old DS tried cocaine - how hard do we come down?

[Oiseau2]

As above really. He's our eldest, turning 16 next week, GCSEs this summer. Very bright, works hard and we generally have a good relationship aside from usual teen arrogance, laziness around the house etc.

Until the Easter holidays he's been in the "cool but nerdy" crowd - hardworking, top sets etc... Then he decided he wanted to "jump ship" and hang with this other crowd ---- the ones you don't want your kids to hang with particularly. (He's at a private boys day school). Anyway long story short I found out yesterday for sure he did cocaine at a party. We are sitting on this at the moment while we figure out what to do. DH wants to come down super hard - phone changed for a rubbish non-smartphone, money taken away, picked up straight from prom - no after party etc etc. I swing from wanting to lock him up to not wanting to push him away and make him more rebellious.

He doesn't like being in trouble with us, he likes it when we are all friends and get on. But my concern is he seems to think drugs are really glamorous and cool ... he's fascinated by it and I can just see he could easily fall into being one of those idiots that just does drugs all the time. His bio-Dad (DH is step dad but been with me since he was 18mths so is Dad and he sees him as Dad - no issues there) is total tool and still takes drugs .... This is what scares me more than anything - that he will end up like bio-Dad.

Any advice very gratefully received.

@Bonkerz that is such a good idea!! I never knew you could buy them.

OP - get to the bottom of the change of friends. This could be the tip of the iceberg. Whilst I agree with education and safeguarding - my own dealings with dd have shown me that route is only good if DC is "rational" and thinking clearly and only motivated by "fun". For the record my dd is also smart, goes to private and I would have said 6 mos ago we had a very solid relationship. You can do all the other things other posters are suggesting, but if you are really worried about ds turning out like bio dad, figure out what's motivating his change in friends!

I would seek the advice of an expert in the field as to how to proceed - I wouldn’t want to get it wrong as it’s too important. They have loads of experience

Most importantly where did he get the money for coke?

My parents were super strict so as soon as I started working and having my own freedom I went craaaazzzy on drugs. Nearly every night of the week for 2 years I was taking E's, coke or speed.

I honestly can't tell you what my parents could've done or said to stop me. I don't think they could've done anything, I was having the time of my life!

As a school teen my mates were already taking drugs but I was never allowed out so didn't have the opportunity. That is the only reason I didn't start taking them at 15 like your son. If my parents has started going on about how dangerous they are or drug cartels etc I wouldn't have paid any attention.

I would just explain to him the risks as alot of cocaine is cut with other stuff he doesnt have a glue where its come from . Also the long term effects on the nose rotting away Effects on the heart ect get him leaflets on drugs . Even if you do come down hard he still has to take responsibility for his health and life and you won't always be there to help him. Hopefully he will realise this, It is good you stopped his allowance .These people who are into drugs are always looking for someone to buy or lend them money .they are users.

@bonkerz so what about all the other drugs out there? Surely he could just take those ones if he wanted?
I wouldn't do this when my teenager is that age (or even now) I trust them to make their own choices, it is his life which his choices affect. I can't imagine the idea of my parents doing this to me at 19! Seems like a violation to me.

I know a 24 year old man who dies last week from Cocaine use. My own best friend died last year from drug use.
It's fucking terrifying as a parent because there is nothing you can do to physically stop them. That said, education is key, release have aot of useful info and are very helpful so might be worth giving them a call

OP, this website is really sensible too. It has advice on how to handle your child taking drugs and has information on each type of drug. Your DS might have heard of it through PSHE lessons in school, but it is worth pointing him towards a trustworthy source of info on drugs.

www.talktofrank.com/

The worrying bit is that he thinks drugs are cool and glam, you need to try and change his mindset. My niece thought the same and she's heavily into Xanax at the moment.

Bonkerz really? Nearly 19?

It's a tough situation OP, and one I'm sure alot of us will need to deal with at some point given how popular cocaine is.

I'm interested to know how he got the money for the coke? Its certainly not cheap. Also do you know what kind it was? Do you know how much he took? If he took one line or a full g etc?

I wouldn't punish at all, it could just make them dig heels in more.
For me education was the way, the law, getting a record, prison, health, how it affects future, needing more and more as addiction grows, having to fund it, taking all your wages, affecting relationships.
The future and ss should he have children. etc etc.
Far better than any punishment ime.

If you think his father may have supplied the coke call the police and say you think he has been supplying coke to your 15 year old son.

I don’t have teenagers but I would go for the tonne of bricks route. Punishment is up to you but I would strongly suggest showing him some shocking videos of people who’ve died from coke/overdosed/smashed in noses.

When I was a teenager they showed us that video of the young girl (I can’t recall her name) who died from taking one single ecstasy pill and it put me straight off any ideas of any drugs forever.

I’d be tempted to become omnipresent in his life. Aware of absolutely everything he is doing, who he is with, to be updated constantly IF he is allowed out again after that. As the trust rebuilds gradually become less oppressive but he is still a child at 15 and still needs guidance and close parenting.

Could you also use a bit of a scare tactic?

As in; we are going to contact the police, they will want to know who you got it from, and who the dealer is and in turn you will be in a lot of trouble etc?? Unsure if it'll work or not.

It is a very popular drug amongst teens unfortunately.

I just think you need to get involved somehow, and only you know your son best. But honestly, I wish my parents knew and got involved. I wasted so much of my young adult life on that stuff, really regret it! But it's done now and I know how I will be with my son.

@zenasfuck how did he die if you don't mind me asking? Was it prolonged cocaine use?

Wow - thank you everyone so much to respond to I don't know where to start ....

With regards to how I found out - that's brilliant. I am in good contact with bio-dad's second wife (he is now on to his third) she called me yesterday to tell me that she had spoken to bio-dad who told her that DS was rebelling and had texted him to tell him he'd done Coke and ask about Adderall .... She told bio-dad he had to tell me -= he said "no - I'm fun dad, X is the serious dad" .... that's a whole other thread isn't it.... Anyway she called to tell me - so the "we can't trust you" argument stands up. Especially as I had asked him about drugs when he started hanging with this new crowd and he said he had just smoked cigarettes.

With regard to my "he likes it when we are friends" I don't mean like "hey I'm his best friend". We parent him solidly and have boundaries - I meant he hates it when I'm fed up with him.

Completely agree with all the Cocaine equals blood, the social costs etc - but I just don't think this will cut any sway. He doesn't want to end up like his loser dad and I'm afraid his dad is such a tool in such a public way there is no way of hiding my feelings about him!! It would be irresponsible to pretend I thought he was a decent human. He does care about his health and his abs though ... so that is an avenue to explore.

I'm so quietly furious with him I'm not sure how I'm going to keep a lid on it until we get our ducks in a row to confront.

Will talk to him about why the new friends. He is pretty immature and I think he sees doing risky stuff as a way to impress. His current crowd are a little dull if I'm being totally honest - they don't really go to parties and aren't into girls like he is.

Frank is a good idea - a real life friend suggested taking him to NA a la Eastenders at the moment!

My instinct would be to ban parties between now and the end of GCSEs, on a 'you can't be trusted and anyway it's GCSEs' basis

My dds gcses start tomorrow. She's not planning to go to any parties into June 16th .

Is he really planning to party in the next couple of weeks?

My dd is also at private school. Its fucking expensive and a massive privilege. I'd be livid if she was twatting around like she was on made in Chelsea doing sniff.

Morgan 12 - I don't think he bought it - there is a lot of money around at school .... But DS also has a lot of money from .... you guessed it - bio-dad - who never sees him but throws £500 at him every christmas ...

Fazackerley - precisely - this is exactly how I feel about the over-privileged little shit right now!!!

He honestly wants to be Jamie Laing ...

And no - no parties planned - just prom, and Reading Festival (clearly the latter definitely not happening ..... what was I thinking!)

Best thing I did when DS dabbled was purchase some testing kits from amazon. We have them for cocaine and weed. I now do random tests and if positive he gets grounded and his car removed. He's nearly 19 but this has stopped him messing with drugs.

I think this great & don't know why some are criticising. It's just today's version of taking the keys off someone who's been drinking. It's also what many work places already do.
www.gov.uk/government/news/drug-driving-crackdown-means-more-dangerous-motorists-off-roads

I didn’t meant that he consciously wants to be like tool dad, but he will have some interest/concern etc in his origins and what that makes him. The fact that he told him is interesting.

Might be worth mentioning the impact on getting visas to travel if you have drugs related convictions. Most people take if for granted that they can go anywhere in the world with virtually automatic access to a tourist visa. Not so much fun when that isn’t the case and fairly mortifying to have to explain to friends or work colleagues down the line why you can’t travel. Having said that, if he’s taking bits of other people’s stuff at house parties then he’s unlikely to end up in that situation.

@oiseau2 It may be driven by relationship with bio-dad - something more deep-rooted than just being an immature teen having a risky laugh. Again - why the need to impress? Why the need now? It sounds like you have a complex relationship with ex and there may be issues that your ds absorbed that you don't even know about. Don't mean to frighten you, but this is what we discovered. We often think teens just do things to do things. But sometimes there is a deeper, unconscious reason. GL .

For people testing their kids, don’t you worry about them going mad the second they are out of your grasp?!

@morgan he had a heart attack