Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

I would post something about having had a good few days with DS2 15 but I feel I must touch wood, say something voodoo and chant a couple of spells just to make sure it carries on for a bit longer.
My new tactic is to say very little and expect the barest minimum of tiniest positives but to big them up and say something nice. Then shut up again in case I overdo it.
Eggshells darlings, eggshells!!!!

My DS is a cash black hole.

Can I have £5 for lunch (don't like sandwiches)
£15 for haircut (buzz cut which I hate)
£20 to go to a gig
£30 for a jacket
£10 stuff for school
£10 for 'spoons (and NOs apparently)
£10 pocket money.....

A bailiff would be cheaper!

But I don't wanna live on eggshells that's one of the reason I chucked her dad out.

I'm in 50's for fuck sake, menopausal and feeling old and delicate. If she's anything like me she'll be like it for another 5 years!

I’m with you there, I think I’m coming out the other end but still don’t feel I’m not on eggshells. These days it’s more good than bad but that aura when they get a bad day 😢

And why, oh why, oh why do the worst of the teenage years coincide with bloody menopause?

Does anyone have any experience of school refusal?

My DS 13 refuses most days and he’s only on a reduced time table.

We know he suffers with anxiety and struggling academically. We suspect he has ASD and in particular PDA.

He part takes in dangerous and undesirable behaviour such as smoking and drinking and just won’t do anything he’s told.

He’s relentless and I’m exhausted- I’ve agreed to give him £10 just to go to a dential appointment tomorrow. I just can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel

Can I join too please? This is such a lovely, supportive thread and I relate to so many posts. for all you wonderful, caring parents doing your best every day.

My DD is almost 14 and is vile to both me and DH (lovely to everyone else though). Since I spend more time with her I'm on the receiving end of the majority of her outbursts, and over the last year have been verbally abused and emotionally battered on a near-daily basis. My self-esteem and confidence in my parenting ability are at an all-time low. Menopause is not far off, so that doesn't help either.

Until hijacked by the teenage brain DD was funny, happy, kind. She loved dancing and literally was in the brass ban, ffs! Now she has no clubs or hobbies (except Snapchat and makeup tutorials!) and school attendance is poor.

It is so hard adjusting to this life. I am seeing a counsellor for support with my MH and DD is receiving psychotherapy to help with anger management and anxiety. I can only hope it will all come good again eventually.

Meantime, this thread has meant a lot as I don't know any mums IRL who are going through the same thing, so sometimes feel very alone. So thank you for sharing your experiences, and to all you courageous mums wearing the tin hats. Hang in there

Yes last year DS2 then 14 refused to go to school for 8 weeks, hated it, bad behaviour and dreadful reputation with his teachers. He agreed to try another school so after applying he did a managed move at the end of yr 9. Although there are ups and downs and I'm not going to be specific as outing, he is doing mostly ok.
I think school refusal is very common especially among kids who may have either mental health or ASD type issues. You need to keep the channels of communication open with school and talk to GP to get the ball rolling on help. It'll be a bastard of a struggle but you may find a level of support that helps you.
My friends son is on reduced timetable and tutoring. Some kids I know left in year ten and just went back for GCSE exams in maths and English.
Facebook Not fine in school may be helpful too.

Absolutely SandraDea! My DS is 16 and hasn't been to school yet this week. It's become more frequent - started with him claiming to be ill in the morning or while at school and getting sent home. Now he refuses to get out of bed at all, and a few times school have phoned me to say he hasn't turned up, which is mortifying. Before Christmas I had a meeting at school with Pastoral Care as I felt he was depressed (that's what he was telling me anyway); they couldn't offer much help. The GP said to try looking at websites like Young Minds together and discussing it; he was a long way off being referred to CAMHS. Anyway, he now seems to be picking and choosing when he feels like going in - but we only have a few weeks left before exams, then goodness knows what he's going to do next.

He also partakes in smoking (I think this started when he was 13) and more recently weed and nitrous oxide. Total despair on my part; just trying to steer a course through it all and keep him on track as much as I can, hoping that he will come out the other side
Good luck - you are not alone

didn't mean any offence at all by brass band comment...more just that everyone else's kids seem to be in to hobbies and activities which actually mean something. My dd is exactly the same as yours by the sounds of it. She's glued to her phone on Snapchat or makeup videos, and it's a battle prising it from her fingers. Hope I've not offended anybody with that. I'd absolutely love if she had an interest or a talent which she was nurturing.

Well it's the Easter holidays here and I booked her English tutor to come round this evening. Her English (national 5) exam is in 4 weeks and she got 54% in her prelim in January (despite paying £120 a month for a bloody tutor!! So tutor turns up and she point blank refuses to come downstairs for the session 😡 £30 right down the drain. We already lost her maths tutor due to her refusal. I know I should just let her piss her life away if that's what she wants, however....and I know this sounds selfish...i NEED her to get a job in the future which will allow her to afford to move out! Can't bear he thought of living another 10 years or so like this. Although I am hoping she'll revert back to the lovey person she once was.

When I was younger I would have killed for the chance to attend classes such as dance, drama or even ice skating lessons. I never got any of these opportunities. She started refusing to go to her dance classes at 10 and it was a complete battle. Turned down every opportunity offered to her...gymnastics, horse riding, piano. I was bullied at high school so spent a lot of my evenings at home instead of out and about. Dd is reasonably popular but holes herself up in her room on her phone. I cannot get my head around it!!!

Do you know what I love about this thread? We can pour our hearts out without the judgement you see on other threads. We can call our teens little shits and it's ok!! Nobody is going to flame us! So glad I found everyone

Hope today was a bit of a better day, and here's to a new day tomorrow

It’s a weird feeling to be happy going to bed because nobody roared/cried/punched tonight.

It’s like a alternate reality, I have high ish standards of myself and others and then there is DS where the bar is so low.

CAHMS waiting room is a reflection of this post. Lots of well kept looking teens on phones with haggard parents beside them.
The teen years are a bit like a second pregnancy

Anyone want an update on bananagate?
(DS1 16 rubbed rotten banana into DD1's 23 bed/new feather pillow last night)

Today:
Crying (me)
Talking to work friend ( both crying - damn menopause)
Home and 'talking becoming to shouting'with DS and DD2 ( crying me and DS)
Talking DH: things have to change DS agrees(crying DH)

30 mins later "eerr mum can I go to a gig on Fiday" "
Absolutely not unless you properly apologise to DD1

Apology went well, but brief, gig paid for.
DD2 and I hatch a plan, to which DS1 agrees where, in a series of three meetings, meeting 1 they speak uninterrupted about what the problems are between them, meeting 2 what they like or admire in eachother
Meeting 3 how to move forwards.

Maybe 1 and 2 should be swapped?
Uncharted territory but exhausted with emotion now ( damn menopause).

Oh yes and we had a all from DS1's school saying he'd missed 6 of 10 English lessons in the last 2 weeks.........he goes in but then misses the lessons!!!!!

The gig was also on the promise that he'd do the catch up work the teacher has set him.

Please don't tell AIBU, I'd not be flamed but raised to the ground for that!

Keep calm and carry on ladies.

No offence taken at all daintytoes . It just made me laugh as it highlighted the vast difference between life with pre-teen DD, and life now with Teenzilla.

Our DD's do sound very similar and I totally feel your frustration with the refusals. My DD frequently refuses to attend appointments, and at the slightest excuse refuses to go to school. Hopefully your DD will turn things around and do well in her exams. For your sake as well as hers!

The teenage years are definitely nature's way of protecting us against empty nest syndrome . Counting the years til we can all enjoy spending time with our lovely, independant adult DC

i LOVE that...teenage years protect us against empty nest syndrome!

Yes indeed they definitely do sound similar. My dd also tries everything to get out of school although she does have relatively good attendance tbf. As soon as I hear that little whine on a school morning or if she makes comments the night before "to plant the seed" such as she's feeling a little nauseous etc, my heart sinks as I know I'm in for a battle. She knows fine well that her leg would have to be hanging off before I let her stay off but it doesn't stop her trying...and trying...and trying!

Night everyone, hoping for a better day tomorrow for us all

@daintytoes your post genuinely made me guffaw. She needs to get her qualifications so she get a good job and afford to get the fuck out your house!

Still laughing/crying now.

My DD is like a block of wood, she just can't tell me she loves me or give me anything to make me happy. She just wants to hurt me. After 3 DS this creature is a shock.

I'm loving this thread. And I can tell you, I've felt all your pain. So even if nobody replies direct to you, we are all with each other!! Hahahah

So glad it’s not just me!

I really struggle with knowing how strict to be and always second guess myself if I’m too strict or not strict enough.

Really blew up tonight, shouting in her face and swearing. Really lost control. I seen red. Not proud of self. She just doesn’t seem bothered by anything.

It’s just awful. Hugs to all

Just checking in with you all. Not feeling up to posting much atm but this thread has been life-changing. I felt so alone and like such a rotten failure as a Mum. All I wanted to do was love DD and couldn’t figure out where I’d gone so wrong. I hope it doesn’t sound wrong but it really does help to know other people are going through the same.

However, if I could wave a magic wand for you all I would x

I’m stuck to the bed this morning.

We’re back in CAHMS today to figure out if ds can go back to school or if his mental health needs all his focus.

Hope everyone has a good day x

@Bottomplasters I've screamed at my dd incandescent with rage. Purple faced mad bloody mum, and she'll just roll her eyes, shrug and say "whatever".

This morning was calm after last nights emotional roller coaster. She just can't seem to open up or empathise.

I was on the ante natal boards here 14 years ago, excited about this little bundle of joy coming into my life after 3 boys.

I just want my little happy girl back not this mad angry spitting vixen.

C'mon people we can do this! A few hours of respite, except for you who's kids are refusing to go to school.

Have an argument free day!

Morning all, I do so wish this thread had been here 4 years ago when I was at my worst.

The thing I've learnt most is actually all parents are going through this in some way, shape or form, you never know what is going on behind closed doors. So many of my teens friends have suffered and behind every one there is a parent struggling to cope, but we are made to feel that we have to be made of steel and just take everything that is thrown at us. I once told my DD she'd broken me and her response 'I don't care'

It was interesting watching her become more aware of her behaviour as she was coming out of it. Last year DH and I had our first child free holiday in 21 years (bliss) it was long haul and although there was some pretty heavy bickering going on back home while we were away they did manage for the most part to hide it so we (or I DH doesn't seem to get dragged in as much) didn't stress. The day after we got back I was very jet lagged and DD2 wanted help altering an outfit for her holiday, so we got the sewing machine out and what the outfit really needed was a bit beyond my skills and she started to get that annoyed, are you really that stupid, look that I'm sure they all have lessons in, then checked herself and apologised.

@Whoops75 yeah a second pregnancy!! It is like that!! But worse ... and longer! Waiting for this angry being to transform into an adult.

I was thinking similar when I mentioned being on the ante natal boards. Similar sort of posting. Nobody really understand unless they're going through it with you!

At least with this pregnancy we don’t have to give up wine.

I’m definitely getting up now!

Good morning everyone! Well, hopefully good
Great to see so many newcomers to the thread! And to read everyone's messages of solidarity.

I hope the CAHMS meeting goes well Whoops75 and your ds gets the right support.

I really feel for you Strawberrisc and no need to post details at all as we all have a fair idea of what everybody on here is up against - I think many of us can identify with not feeling up to explaining it all actually - sometimes it's just too draining, and sometimes we just can't believe this is the position we are in. You are NOT a rotten failure. Please don't think that of yourself.

Also, it doesn't feel nice posting or recounting horrible things our DC have done to us or the way they are behaving. We love them and it's counter-intuitive so it feels like a betrayal. But sadly it's also the reality.

Bottomplasters I could have written every word of your post. No idea if I'm being too strict or too lenient. Never have! However, I have recently come to the conclusion that the overall relationship is more important I think. What do I know though? And yes I have blown up and shouted like a fishwife more times than I care to admit. Not my finest parenting moments. It's the superior sneeriness that gets to me. I see red and think "how bloody dare she?"

daintytoes My dd sounds very similar to yours. Her school attendance isn't bad although it was hard work getting her back after a genuine bout of ill health before Christmas. And she still tries it on now. I definitely recognise that sinking feeling when she tries to set the scene the night before! Like you, I would have loved to have had all the opportunities that DD has had (and rejected). Sympathies wrt not coming down for tutor. I would have been livid.

Just posting this now and will be back in a bit to respond to the rest!

Oh gosh yes I've definitely had proper rage towards dd. I'm not generally a swearer but these last few years my swearing has definitely increased. Not necessarily towards her but especially when I'm taking about her with dh but also when I'm an argument with her.

So not exactly name calling but more like "I can't fucking take this any more". And as soon as it's said that's the ammunition she needs....."listen to yourself mum. You're meant to be an adult and you're speaking like that. To me. Your child. It's disgusting. And abuse. Mental abuse mum".

She has the ability to twist everything around!!!

I haven't seen her this morning as it's the Easter holidays and she was still in bed when I left for work. But she has her phone taken off her for her behaviour towards us, so no doubt she'll use the house phone at some point to harass me all day to get her mobile back.

Speaking of which, does anyone else get THE TEXTS. You know the ones I mean and always in this format, little short messages that keep popping through every 30 seconds with your heart sinking lower every time...:

"Mum"
"I can't take this house anymore"
"You're totally ruining my life"
"You're so unfair"
"Why do you need to punish me"
"Nobody else gets treated like a baby"
"You're just horrible"
"No wonder you only have, like, 5 friends"
"No wonder my dad left you"
"Don't see why I'm grounded"
"I mean it doesn't stop me being cheeky. I'll still do it so no point in punishing me".

It's the short bitty messages that drive me mad. Just spit it out and say what you need to say and be done with it!!! Anyone else's do this??

Anyway, here's to a better day everyone, hope it goes well