Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Godmother your dd is evidently very talented and at that level there are bound to be stresses, despite her loving her sport, which she takes out on you X 100 even though you are her "facilitator" because you are there with her most of the time and she knows that you love her so it's "safe" to do so. Of course she loves you and I am certain she doesn't deliberately set out to hurt you (well not in the long term anyway!) and in time she will come to realise and appreciate all you do for her. It must be VERY very hard in the meantime though.

Billybagpuss it's very reassuring to read that most people are going through this in some shape or form, and yes I suppose one never knows what goes on behind closed doors!. I suppose I always tend to assume everyone else is doing it better! But I won't now thanks to this thread! So glad you got that child-free holiday with your DH (sounds lovely!) and that things DO improve with time. I think we are all benefiting from the wisdom of your experience!

Oh heavens same here Daintytoes! We used to be a no swear household but now dh and I are effing and blinding with the best of them . I can't say I do get the texts but have had virtually every single one of those phrases said to my face in various different forms! Most of the texts I receive from DD simply say "no" tbh

Huge sympathies to all the posters on here who are wrangling with school issues such as SandraDea Obviouslynotallthere Daintytoes Staywithmemyblood Nakedscientist Midlifemumofteens (sorry if I've missed anyone) which is very very very draining indeed. We have to battle with it to a degree (DD goes through good and bad phases) and it certainly takes its toll. Again, I used to be rather dismissive of parents who "couldn't" get their DC to school in the morning but now I know better.

It's a very difficult thing to tackle because my DD (for example) is already under a lot of school pressure and doesn't respond well to more being heaped on her. (I don't know if any of you ride, but horses always respond to being pushed by pushing back. And I think teens are a bit the same!). However, you can't just let it go and say it's ok to be absent, or make it easy for them. It's a minefield!

I agree with Obviouslynotallthere that a lot of mh issues are tied up with school refusal; particularly a heightened fear of failure when it comes to teens I think. It can only be good that a lot of us are seeking mh support for our DC but it is hard going finding the right support. It's such a stressful time of life and yes, and as Staywithmemyblood says, we are also taking an emotional battering, so I think it's a good thing to seek support for ourselves too.

Headinhands & Half-blood Princess we are with you.

Well done Nakedscientist for overseeing talks! Sounds not dissimilar to certain political negotiations going on currently!

And yes ha re: teenage angst protecting us from empty nest syndrome! Anyone else look in bemusement at those mother and daughters who wander around shopping centres arm in arm and call one another "best friends"? .

Keep going everyone! Heads down. Backs to the wind. Oh and plenty of

Sorry (keep being interrupted here; plumbers) what I meant to say about the mother-daughter combos who are joined at hip, and seem to love being in one another's company, is that my relationship with dd is (sadly) so far away from that atm (despite good moments now and then) is that I look at them in admiration and suspicion at the same time and of course think "where did I go wrong?". And if I'm honest I'm jealous too as I really miss being in the company of my DD as she once was . I'd love to love being with her as she is now but it's pretty difficult at times tbh.

I guess what I am trying to say (badly) is that I am really scared that our current arguing and disputes are going to cause a permanent wedge between us. And every day I think "I must try and do better, be more understanding, be more patient" and then I fail and lose it and it all goes wrong again. . And each time this happens it's like a bit of rock is being chiselled out of a formerly solid bridge between us and I'm worried that eventually the bridge will collapse. Sorry if that sounds over-dramatic. I obviously need more gin in my morning coffee!

Anyway, sorry for another essay! It's great to be able to "vent"!

Thank goodness for this thread.

I left an abusive h, so my teen ds knows exactly what to say to vent his anger at me. Same words , technique, face and body language. It's heartbreaking. I have to remind myself that it's a different person.

Won't say much more in case he learned internet stalking as well. But it's hard.

Oh @5leaf, thats awful how old I he?
sending you loads of hugs and hope you are able to support him long enough that he learns and history doesn't repeat itself as you must worry every time

Yes, Pegsinarow, I think you’re correct re the horse response, and definitely treading on eggshells Obviouslynotallthere. My priority for next term is to support DD in any way that will improve her school attendance.

I’ve no answers SandraDea, but have tried everything, and really resent the “well-intentioned” comments from family/friends, like “Oh, I wouldn’t put up with that! I’d make her go!” Oh, really?? How?? She’s taller than me, I couldn’t lay my hands on her anyway, she point blank refuses, and doesn’t care about any consequences .
In fact, imposing consequences just makes her more defiant.

I’m currently trying to get DD to understand the importance of
her education (so she can get a good job and move out, naturally @daintytoes). Really need her to look to her future and prioritise that over the petty reasons that stop her going to school (too tired, exBF issues, bad eyebrows etc )

One thing that actually did work for us a few times, it really kicked off in year 12 during AS levels. She really couldn't handle her emotions and I was in a very weakened state so wasn't going to argue with her but she would come downstairs in an I'm not going to school mood and kick her shoes off. So I'd try and get her to sit down and articulate it but she just couldn't. So honestly I sent her back to bed, a few of hours later went up and then she would spend the afternoon studying independently. School were not too impressed but it was the best thing for her at that particular time. I know that is much less of an option pre GCSE's

YY to the staccato text messages daintytoes Received some crackers from DD recently when she went to stay with her gran for a couple of days and forgot to pack her hair straighteners (obviously my fault ). DD wanted me to do a 2.5hr round trip to deliver them. I suggested she phone round 3 other relatives who live close to her gran to borrow theirs. This was her response-

“Ur an idiot”
“Omfg”
“Wtf”
“What do I use every morning”
“EVERY FUCKING MORNING”
“I’m having them now for tomorrow”
“Not waiting”
“Gimme straighteners! Now”

WIBU not to answer these? I suspect mums will say no, but our teens may say yes UWDBU!

Meanwhile, she was being all sweetness and light to her gran, who felt so sorry for DD that she blow dried her hair for her! DD then expected me to continue this once she got home - er, no way princess!

I think I actually did respond to something similar with - 'would you like to read that back and imagine what my response might be?'

And gran's love them to bits, couldn't manage without them but sometimes I despair.

Yep stay that's exactly the type of message format I get from dd. Except no swearing (as yet) but the odd "wtf"!

Can't remember who posted about abusive ex (sorry, on app). But I ok have an abusive ex (dd's dad) and there are certainly times when she sounds exactly like him. Same mannerisms, same cutting remarks, same everything. It's really difficult as it seems to transport me back to that awful time. And it seems she knows my weaknesses as a result of witnessing incidents in the past and quite possibly how he treats his new wife. Have no advice as such as I still really struggle with it but you're not alone. I'm not sure how I'd feel though if it was a DS instead of a DD for you.

peg I know exactly what you mean about all the mums and daughters who seem really close. A little bit of my heart breaks some more when I see it. Especially seeing all the FB statuses and photos on Mother's Day. Tried to avoid tbh as I knew it would be difficult. There was once a time we were so close and she was like a little best friend as I could be as silly as I wanted without judgement, just laughter, and vice versa.
I can't remember the last time we got a photograph together she doesn't want to be in a photo with me and it makes me really sad inside. Maybe one day we'll be close, can't quite see us linking arms and giggling with cocktails in the future, the way things are going. But we'll see.

I guess what I am trying to say (badly) is that I am really scared that our current arguing and disputes are going to cause a permanent wedge between us. And every day I think "I must try and do better, be more understanding, be more patient" and then I fail and lose it and it all goes wrong again. sad. And each time this happens it's like a bit of rock is being chiselled out of a formerly solid bridge between us and I'm worried that eventually the bridge will collapse. Sorry if that sounds over-dramatic. I obviously need more gin in my morning coffee! wink

The bridge won't collapse. It may get redirected for a while though.

Me too. Mine are now 21 twins. DS hasn't spoken to me at all for a year. DD is ok now after a couple of years of treating me like I was just "wrong".

The way things were, I ended up back in therapy, back on ADs, it broke my never very good relationship with their DF, and I have shed more tears between them being 14 and 21 than the whole of the rest of my life combined. Horrendous.

And the guilt I feel ... was I selfish cos I worked FT? Was I too liberal and lenient?l have I spoiled them? Should their DF and I have split up years ago? Am I really the shit parent my DS said I was the last time he spoke to me, when he also said I had no son and he'd rip my DNA out of him if he could? Have I ruined and destroyed those wonderful perfect children with my vile personality? Perhaps I deserve my son going NC with me. My DD says not, my DP their dad says not, but maybe I do.

My DS used the "I'll kill myself" line when asked to do anything whatsoever that he didn't want to do.

Easily the most stressful, unhappy and painful few years of my life. And yes there is huge silence around how difficult these years can be for some parents. The rejection, the abuse, the self doubt, is hell.

I suspect my DS won't ever talk to me again.

Buckingfrolics - I'm so sorry your relationship with your son is like that. I hope he eventually comes around. I've read some kids don't mature until 25 or 26. So there's still hope.
My DS2 prepares me the night before school with the hints at illness. Then he'll almost get up in the morning but then refuse. There's no budging him either. I lose my shit and then of course that's me losing control, him getting a day off because I've lost control and I feel like a crap Mum.
I do reflect a lot and wonder what I did to make him behave like he does. Did I not show him enough love or love him like my older son who is no bother at all. I'm reading a lot to try to learn how to communicate better. The books I've read make it sound simple and just a case of setting and keeping boundaries. It's not at all. In fact we are fairly low demand parent and just expect him to go to school, behave reasonably well, do some homework and come home at night. He's been fighting us at every opportunity but we just keep hanging in there. DS2 smokes weed, hands out with other boys doing the same, bunks off school and hangs around with like minded teens and he has been physically aggressive towards me and his dad. I can't tell you what goes through my mind except to say I'll chuck him out when he's old enough, effing and jeffing about what he's done now.
But today I helped him make some food when he got in from school and he said he like it when we weren't at war and he loved me. It felt like the sun had come out.

Love this thread and you all write about these issues so eloquently.

Do any of you shield the grandparents slightly from how shitty the DCs behaviour is, I know I do.

And also when I lose my rag with DD over another episode of rudeness, I forget too quickly even though I’m raging at the time. She turns on the charm and I cling to it until the next episode ... it def is like an abusive relationship being pathetically grateful for the crumbs she throws me. It’s tragic really.

DH remembers things better. We were out shopping today and I pinched something up saying DD would love it .... DH said why would you even think about getting her anything after the way she spoke to you on Sat night ... pissed, again

it def is like an abusive relationship being pathetically grateful for the crumbs she throws me

How many threads on MN have you read where everyone in unison says LTB and you sit there miserable knowing thats how your kids treat you every day.

Easily the most stressful, unhappy and painful few years of my life. And yes there is huge silence around how difficult these years can be for some parents. The rejection, the abuse, the self doubt, is hell.

absolutely 100% this. We have a massive lack of MH funding for teenagers at the moment, a huge MH crisis and everyone is just expected to cope.

bananagate part III: the talk

I asked them to write down five things beginning with "I would like to feel.....
Like "I would like to feel that my stuff is safe..."
"I would like to live in a happy environment"

To hold a spoon that allows only them to talk, the other must listen and say "I have heard you."

Well they did it! It went well!

Maybe it could work in other settings.

Does anyone have any experience of school refusal?

My DS 13 refuses most days and he’s only on a reduced time table.

We know he suffers with anxiety and struggling academically. We suspect he has ASD and in particular PDA.

He part takes in dangerous and undesirable behaviour such as smoking and drinking and just won’t do anything he’s told.

He’s relentless and I’m exhausted- I’ve agreed to give him £10 just to go to a dential appointment tomorrow. I just can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel

OMG I'm so so so sorry @daintytoes and @Staywithmemyblood but I was crying with laughter at your messages.

Forgetting the hair straighteners and that being your fault and the expectation of a 2.5 hour round trip! How can that sound reasonable in anyone's head????

And no wonder you only have like 5 friends!! Crying! So sorry!

You can tell she's at her dads tonight eh? I'm so much calmer!

My dd won't let me touch her, never mind kiss or give her a cuddle. She jumps back like I've put acid on her if I dare put my hand on her arm.

I am however permitted to touch her feet if I give her a foot massage when we have a family film night. Which is at the moment every 2 years, because it's takes that long to argue about what film all 3 of us would enjoy.

3 hours deciding what film, 15 minutes watching it, before one of the teens storm off, I sob and cry "I can't fucking do this anymore"!

Sandradea did you see all the replies when you posted this yesterday at 21.33? Lots of people could identify!

That's great nakedscientist you'll be taking over Bercow's role any day now . I must remember the "I would like" technique!

That sounds horrific 5leafclover . I hope your ds will see the error of his ways in the years to come? Can you talk to him about how his behaviour makes you feel?

Agree with everything you have posted Staywithmemyblood and we share the same priority. And yes, bugger the unhelpful comments! If you haven't been in this situation, you just don't "get it". @ bad eyebrows and hair straightener saga!

Thank you Billybagpuss and Daintytoes this thread is giving me hope!

Buckingfrolics that sounds so so hard. And no of course you are NOT a shit mother! I agree that sometimes boys take longer to mature. My nephew at 24 yrs is only just starting to consider the feelings of others and be more aware and open to different points of view. Totally agree with everything you say about the pain and the stress.

Obviouslynotallthere the bit about the sun coming out made my eyes leak a bit. And you're right it's definitely not an easy thing to set boundaries and communicate with someone who is not open to both!

Bigsandyballs all of dd's grandparents died before she reached adolescence (we are "older" parents) but snap; bought dd some clothes today. Quite why when she has been so hideous this past fortnight I'm not so sure!

Again, I hope I haven't missed anyone out or mixed any of you up. This tablet isn't scrolling very effectively tonight. Really great to read everyone's shared experiences and advice.

X post The godmother . Oh yes, when we decide on a film night, we spend 20 mins arguing over the choice and watching trailers, then inevitably someone storms out in anger! It's become a family tradition!

Sandradea re 'the messages'

I woke my DS up an hour early by mistake the other day (he has a very variable timetable). He got to school for 9:30 rather than 10:30. This is how the text convo went after a sweary phonecall.

"U know it was ur fault cos u woke me up. Just get it right next time please Im so tired, my time in bed is valuable."
"wasn't swearing at you"
'was just swearing"
:/
"sorry but just wake me up at the right time pls"
"Its literally in the calendar"
"Can U order me an Oystercard pls lost mine :/"

obviouslynotallhere

It felt like the sun had come out

That's beautiful and brought a tear to my eye.

There are 7 of us in the family and after hours of deciding on a film, every one stiles down for two mins, argues about where they are sitting and then spend the WHOLE film telling each other to "shut up""no you shut up"
DH and I end up being the only one in the room after about 45 mins, watching a film that neither of us wanted to see!

It is not just you. My kids are pre teens and like it already, i dread what it will be like in a couple of years. I also have elderly chronically ill parents. And i am mid divorce. So stresses all round!