Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

My DS13 has stopped reading, everything is boring, won't wear clothes/shoes unless they are nike, North face etc etc etc. So I let him hang out with mates but he has got involved in smoking and had the odd puff of weed from a friend who's parents don't give a shit what he does. The nice kids he used to know are called nerds and boring. How do I deal with this? I have sick elderly parents, am perimenopausal, and life seems just relentlessly shit at the moment. Started taking Sertraline this week😥😥

staywithmemyblood don't know your 'system', but is there a chance gp could come to you, if you tell them about the threats?

Isn't it ironic, when we have toddlers, we long for them to be able to do things themselves.
When we have teens, we long for the times, you just put them in their stroller and got on with it 🤣.

alone1971 sorry no good advice, but please take care of yourself. I have been in that sandwich of elderly parents, teens and menopause, it is soo sh..., isn't it 😕.

Thanks for the suggestions Ticklingcheese - I don't know if GP would come out, but DD would likely lock herself in the bathroom and refuse to talk to them. Think I'll have to wait until she wants to accept help. I'd love to pop her back in her stroller though at that image!

Sorry can't give any good advice either alone1971 as I'm not doing a great job with the teenage crap. Just keep the communication channels open so he knows you're always there for him, encourage him to make good choices and praise him when he does. Keep hanging on to that rope- we can do this! Hope the Sertraline helps too

I posted earlier in thread (different name) but occasionally drop in.

One thing occurred to me was about the parents' "mental health" thing, my mental health I mean. About 6 months ago (to 3 years ago!) I was struggling with my son and school and so forth and at an intense time had a couple of personal appointments e.g. hairdressers. Was feeling v emotional after a school phonecall and you could tell I was tense and stressed and even told one of the people I was having problems with teenage son (but didn't elaborate). Looking back I think that person was quite shocked and my stressyness, it was just too much for them to handle, and I think it made me look quite emotionally unstable!! I feel a bit embarrassed at how I was, and haven't been back, but it goes to show how it can really have an impact on your behaviour and your life. My DS16 is calmer at the moment and I am more disengaged so things seem better, at least for now.

Alone its awful when everything feels s* on top of having difficult teen. But life can be difficult, and you are showing your son you can cope too. I have always been upfront with my son about the dangers of "weed" since he was about 13 and it was being used and talked about at school. He has so far resisted. We've talked about its dangers, especially when teenage brains are growing. But I know quite alot from reading and knowing people in the past who smoke too much and what it does to them. I doubt the odd harmful teenage experimentation is too bad, but the problem is that some teens take that as a green light to keep going.

@staywithme that sounds so distressing for all of you. She does need to see a GP most certainly, they can check the blood levels as well to see if anything Is awry.

You did absolutely the right thing, for you to go back she had to calm down. I have actually got in the car and driven away before now to escape from what you have just been through, but mine wasn’t threatening suicide.

Hope today is calmer 💐

@ squeegle hope all is ok there.

I am so sorry for posting about my good day and some of you having a terrible time.
staywithmemyblood so sorry to read the awful time you are having with dd these boyfriends seem to cause alot off hassle.
whatofdogs hows things with your dd and yourself
I have to say I started medication for anxiety 3 weeks ago and think this and the thread have really helped thanks again pegsinarow

Some of my angst is my own fault. He has grown massively in 12 months, deep voice, moustache etc and I am finding it hard to accept the boy who loved playing with his cars, teddies and Lego has been replaced by a grunting, grumpy giant who now prefers rap music (bloody foul shite) and poxy instagram

mcmen not good.

Really struggling to find a way through this and keep other Dc on track as well as Dd and stay on same page as Dh.

I feel like we have turned into a bad episode of Eastenders!

@Staywithmemyblood
So sorry to hear this - such an awful feeling for you. I can completely relate - the worst thing seems to be a lack of any logic taken through to self-destructive conclusions.
We’ve had the police out (when Dd ran off in middle of night), Emergency Dr (when she tried to throw herself out of a window), but unless she is willing to accept help herself, there is nothing anyone will do. I’ve tried every agency I can think of but the issue is always that no-one can help unless the teenager wants help. So I feel your frustration. For us, Social Services will be with us in the next month, but I’m sure that will do no good either - she’ll just not be honest with them.
Try to get some rest if you can today - it’s so exhausting isn’t it? Take care of yourself as far as you are able. Reading all these threads, these battles all seem so unnecessary and pointless. Hold that rope and let’s hope we’ll all be on the other side in a couple of years.

staywithmemyblood I made a referral on the YoungMinds website asking for help as a parent, you can contact them on a form and describe your situation - I did this for my ds and I had a call from a psychotherapist who listened and suggested strategies to help. The call lasted 50 minutes. Also like you DH and I went to the GP when my ds was refusing to attend himself.

I will come back to the thread later, as I have to rush off now...my day off, I'm out for coffee with a friend. This evening, I am helping a colleague with her dd's 13th birthday party....80 kids, she is having a disco! I may need gin when I get home!

Yep foul rap + Instagram is a horrible combination I agree Alone!!

@mcmen don't ever apologise for sharing a patch of light in the chaos of this, it gives hope that things are not always so bad Glad things are going better hope DD's show is going well.

for you stay. Sounds like you all had a horrendous night. Offering a hand hold, no advice unfortunately as I would have lost my shit (and that's never good)

billybagpuss thanks I am going to see her show tonight they had a great opening night. I let her see her bf everyday during easter hoping that when show finishes next wednesday she will do some study for y11 summer exams. Probably have a battle on my hands then as she does as little as possible forgets books no homework done etc
How is things with you

@notaflyingmonkey, so sad you are feeling like that. Have you got any support? You need it. It is such a stressful situation.

Thank you @billybagpuss and @pegsinarow for your thoughts. Things not great here. DS is calm but walked out of school today after being rude to a number of teachers, I got a call from head of year basically saying if he carries on like this they won’t be able to deal with him any more. I get it. I can’t really deal with him either. Maybe a SEMH school would be better. There is just not enough help there from CAMHS. I am on high alert all the time and can’t really cope with work. It’s such a challenge...

@notaflyingmonkey.

Please don't think like this, it is all so hard and I can't even begin to understand what you have gone through, but your DS 'starting afresh' is not about money, its about the support he gets from both you and DH. It may be some time before he realises it, this period is so very difficult for everyone.

I guess that now he's 18 its even more difficult to access help, if sectioning him is an option, I would seriously consider it in your position as what you are going through sounds horrendous.

and wishing you a peaceful weekend.

Hello @notaflyingmonkey,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Oh notaflyingmonkey I'm so sorry 💐. 'Knowing' you from another thread, you have so much on your plate, will you please, please talk to your dh, gp anyone and get some help asap.

You cannot help others, the state you are in. And not being around will NOT solve any problems. Even though you cannot see it now, things will get better. You are running on empty, therefore all is so dark.
Get help, please.

Thank you everyone for the support, and for the MNHQ intervention. I took myself out for a walk until it started to rain and I felt cold and wet and came home. Sorry if I scared anyone.

I had deliberately not posted on this thread before as I thought I would ruin it by pressing the nuclear option, so sorry for barging in and blurting.

I am running on empty, it's true. I feel like such a failure to DS. for those who blame the fact they are SAHMs, I worked full time from when my DCs were 6 months, so the grass is certainly not any greener over here.

@notaflyingmonkey
Please don’t apologise - your situation sounds so very difficult to cope with. From the sounds of things, most of us are struggling with our MH at present because of circumstances. I have been in some really dark places recently, spending most of my days in tears and wondering what the point is.
I have been through a parenting course and counselling recently and there has been such an emphasis in both on self-care. Every time this comes up I always think to myself ‘easier said than done’. But we do have to look after ourselves, not only to be strong for our teens who need us (despite how it often appears), but because we deserve better than the miserable existence that many of us are suffering right now. It will pass and things will change. It isn’t going to be easy but there are brighter days ahead for all of us.
Obviously you are in touch with your GP about your son, but are they fully aware of how you are feeling? Please seek the help you need for yourself too. Thinking of you x

@Staywithmemyblood @Pegsinarow @billybagpuss thank you all for your support. Been too caught up with her issues to even come on the thread!

Thanks for the handholds and advice PoTs

DD has been much calmer today, apart from a very weepy episode and bit of verbal mum-bashing late afternoon. She has apologised though, and said she didn't mean any of it until next time, so I'm not packing away my hard hat just yet!

Totally agree MissusSee there is a lack of any logic taken through to self- destructive conclusions and yes, it is all just so exhausting. Hope SS can help with your DD - these scenarios must've been terrifying. Hopefully they'll look back in 10 years time and wonder what the hell they were thinking

I'll definitely check out the YoungMinds website LightandAiry Glad they were able to help you, and thanks for the recommendation

I've lost my shit at DDs behaviour plenty of times in the past daintytoes and I've left the house a few times too Billybagpuss when DDs outbursts have become too difficult

notaflyingmonkey hope you get the help and support you need right now and things get better soon

Genuinely pleased to hear things are going well for you just now mcmen and you are feeling much better , so please never feel you shouldn't post about it. It's just nice we can share our stories- celebrate the successes, and commiserate on the hard times and advise wherever we can, until we reach what all PoTs are aiming for - the light at the end of Teen Tunnel!

Wishing everyone a calm weekend

X post RoseMartha - think I type really slow! Hope you're doing okay and have a peaceful weekend