Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Morning all. Things a lot calmer here, but how long for? DS doing virtually no GCSE revision which is stressing me out but DH says to let him be (this is a massive role reversal!).

He is supposed to be having counselling for anger issues through school - has managed to get to one session so far. Was supposed to go on Tuesday but says he didn't get a note to leave his lesson. I'm fuming as he only has another couple of weeks before exams start and he really needs it.

On the telling friends/colleagues point I'm a very open sort of person anyway so have told people at work - difficult not to say something when you're chairing a meeting and have to take a call from social services! I've had loads of support and advice from some unexpected quarters including a colleague I don't really get on that well with who has made me feel loads better as her daughter was a nightmare as a teenager too! More difficult to discuss with my parents who worry not just about ds but me as well.

Daintytoes I hope your dd is suitably chastened today and your interview goes well. What a night mare

lightandairy
I'm probably not the best person to ask for advice. It was a very hard time for us, and even writing this makes me tear up. So I'm aware that the advice I offer might be way over the target.

BUT my best advice is to find a good cbt (cognitive therapy) councellor asap. (Some specialize in teen socializing problems).

No we cannot do the friend thing for our dcs, we cannot make them more out-going. But they desperately need ways to tackle life and themselves. Cbt offers so much guidance and ways to go forward.
We went private, as we needed help then and there. A lot of offers at the time were mindfulness and that just wasn't enough.
I still regret all the time and money we spend on counseling 😢. My ds was given ads and when they started working, he had counseling. Cbt is normally not going on for years, if you work with the advice given. So of course it is expensive, but if you can in any way afford it, you should do it, as it is very effective.

Anyway... My ds was on ads for a little over a year, had cbt counseling 10-15 sessions. And believe me, it was bad when we started 😢.

Since then it has been much easier being him. He has gotten much better at tackling... Life. He has friends and socializes. He has just bought his first apartment after years of dorm living and is studying for a PhD. He is the nicest person imaginable, yet I'm still on alert, if he is feeling ok. Though that is my problem 😀.

Hope this helps a little. Best of luck.

To all who have teenagers struggling with anxiety, depression and social anxiety.

Have a look at Vitamin D guidelines from the Department of Health.

Low Vitamin D is connected to anxiety and depression.

It isn't the whole answer but it can be part of it.

Funny you say so whattodofgs, thought of vitamin D, just after posting 😀.

Btw English is not my mother tongue, as you have probably noticed. If what I write is incomprehensible, please ask what I'm on about 😁.

Tickling thank you for advice, this is so hard. I relate to the tearing up. I had to go home from work a few weeks ago felt tearful.

whattodo thank you for vit D suggestion. Is your dd ok?

aubergine I hope some revision gets done I know several parents battling with this. Ds was frequently unmotivated last year with GCSE revision. I bribed with Indian takeaways! Very frustrating re the counselling as it's hard to persuade them in the first place.

Am working at home today. My DS has had a package delivered, it is micro scales. I can’t think of anything he would use this for apart from for weighing weed can you? I have taken it and need to think about how to tackle it. Any advice from anyone who may have encountered something similar?

Hi all.

Thought I'd better check in
I find the holidays much more stressful with DD who has no motivation to work towards her GCSE's - unless I am practically standing over her! I feel as if I'm actually doing them with her. Not helped by the fact that she has a cold so is even more grumpy and unreasonable than usual. I'm longing for them to be over - and dreading the results.

She has been on AD's for nearly two years and although they have made a big difference, I am worried she'll be on them for years and years. Another worry is her insistence that she wants to go to uni. She has always wanted to go, but think it's more to a) get away from home and b) for the social life rather than the thought of doing any work.

Sorry to offload! I guess I should take one day at a time and trudge on.

DD has a multivitamin (specially for teenage girls - extra iron, etc) every morning. She tends to have food fads (at the moment packet noodles and water melons) and so I hope they are saving her from possible malnutrition
After eating my own body weight in Easter eggs recently I have decided to get back on the wagon and do something about my comfort eating. Am doing 5:2 as it has worked for me in the past.
Am feeling better for putting this down. Also that school is only a long weekend away...

@squeegle that would worry me too, honestly I don't have a clue? do you have a DP there or anyone that can help you with a united front? The problem is DS will go on the defensive which means its going to be really hard to talk about it and remain constructive. Sending you loads of hugs and hope it goes well.

@tickling I would never have guessed English is not your native tongue, you speak far better than most.

@ parsley it gets a bit easier when they start and they do so much revision at school. Uni is great, she will mature a lot before then so don't worry the independence is very often the making of them.

squeegle 💐 no advice. I'm hopelessly naive, when I saw your post, my first thought was chemistry class 🤔. Do you have anyone your ds really respects, as a dgp? Perhaps even the thought of dgp knowing and talking to him, could make him stop and think?

billybagpus Thank you, wasn't fishing 😁. Sometimes standard phrases and grammar goes haywire 🤪.

Hi everyone.

Just on way home. Had to work through lunch break and an extra half hour to make up time lost by yesterday's saga.

I arrived at the interview in good time but started crying I'm waiting room when I realised I'd forgotten my passport for ID think it's all the stress that has gotten to me. Then started blabbering on about how I wasn't able to prepare properly last night as DD ended up drunk and in hospital what was I thinking??We'll see how it goes though im going to stay positive and not think about it. Plus I had managed to negotiate working hours over the phone with HR prior to being offered the interview however today they seemed to have no clue about this. Anyway, we'll see!

DD woke me up at 3am adamant that the doctor must have put something in her arm as she could feel something there. I just sent her back to bed then struggled to get back to sleep due to worry.

I saw DD very briefly this morning when she was moaning at me about being sent to her dads today to study. Ex has said she's been sulking all day so I've got that to look forward to when I get home I guess!

Sorry this is a rather quick/rambly post as dashing today. Apologies for not responding to everyone!

I don't have a clue either Squeegle but some of these links may be of interest:

Supporting Your Child Drugs and Alcohol

Young Minds drug use

Mentor

I don't know what I what do in your shoes but I suppose I would confiscate and try and find more info before confronting??? Forewarned is forearmed and all of that. Good luck with it.

Same here Tickling you would never know that your first lang wasn't English! You "speak" it so well!

I must admit I didn't get on well with CBT at all, although I only went to six sessions. It was all so clinical (guy explaining it was very cold and robotic) and he just drew squiggles on a white board and droned on without making eye contact and it took me right back to fifth year maths (shudder). I went expecting a bit of humanity and understanding and came out with a notebook full of diagrams that I couldn't comprehend. I remember coming away full of admiration for his tidy house and very large over-sized sculpture of an eye .

Having said all of that Ticklingcheese I am so glad that it worked for your ds and that he is doing so well now He was (and is) very lucky to have you there to support him. Your description of him as the "nicest person imaginable" also brought a lump to my throat .

Never apologise for venting Parsley (that's what this thread is for) and sorry the holidays are hard work at the moment! I always look forward to them (like I always did when dd was 8 or 9 for example) and then the reality hits ... . I've just scarfed down a load of Easter egg and I really must stop it.

Noted about D and B12 vits! And the point about 'Findmyfriends'! All very useful x

Hope your ds will agree to take part in some activities Lightandairy and that he enjoys them!

And to all Po Ts such as Auberginerus and others who are struggling with teen motivation and exams. Or motivation to attend counselling in some instances.

Parsley's advice of "one day at a time" is excellent I think. It's too stressful and wearisome to think long-term sometimes when we are in the middle of the mire "or our little hell" as Xeroxarama puts it.

Waves to Billy Staywithmemyblood Whattodofgs Gandalf McMen Whoops75 Daintytoes and everyone I have inevitably missed!

x post Daintytoes oh poor you: re interview. It's totally understandable you had a stress reaction. It was really good of you not to cancel in the circs tbh. Glad to hear your dd not too worse for wear. xxx

Meant to say, good of you not to cancel, so hopefully that will count in your favour ie big tick for resilience! xx

I had the best day in a long time with my 2 dds we went formal dress shopping just looking but she loved one. We had a lovely lunch and on way home I spotted her bf walking we didnt stop but at least Ive seen him. Shes away out now for the night everyone happy. I think this thread and my medication is keeping me calm.

Hi Everyone

Just a quick check-in before getting an early night. Exhausted after an anxiety-inducing day coping with DD and her ongoing ex BF issues. I have to learn to detach more cos this is doing my head in

Had a wee chuckle at your CBT experience Pegs, especially the weird over-sized eye! Wth Had wondered if it would've be good for me, but think I'll stick where I am for now

So pleased you had a lovely day out mcmen - and I agree, this thread is doing us all good

Hope everyone's having a peaceful evening and hanging on to that rope!

@daintytoes how frightening and stressful hope it is all ok now and she has learnt a lesson.

Good morning!

That's great to hear about your shopping trip McMen71! And that you feel calmer!

Staywithmemyblood sorry your DD is still upset. Please don't let my experience of CBT put you off, as many people find it is a helpful coping tool ; let's just say I think my teacher wasn't the greatest practitioner!

Forgot to say to Whoops75 that's disappointing about the cancelled CAHMS session

and Lightandairy genius to bribe with Indian takeaways for GCSE studying purposes!

Have a good day everyone!

Forgot to say that's nice to hear about a supportive colleague for once Aubergine!

And yes very disappointing Billy and Lightandairy about the scarcity of youth counselling services. When you need it, you tend to need it straightaway. And early intervention in some cases could possibly save time and money all round.

Not to mention saving a load of stress for everyone including the teens (obviously)!

Horrible, horrible night Had just hoped for an early night. DD had been playing on PS4 with DH and seemed calmer after her bad day. But no, she came to me at 11pm saying she was feeling anxious again. I let her come in with me as DH sleeps in the spare room anyway as we both have trouble sleeping and have very different sleep patterns.

Anyway, DD then started with the 'my life is shit and no-one cares and everyone would prefer if I was dead.' My attempts to reassure her that wasn't true and tell her how much we love her and try and support her just made things worse and she escalated into full-blown screaming that she hated us, we make her life a misery, I am a fucking bitch and a cunt and she was going to kill herself. ( No mention of exBF who doesn't give a shit about her and is ignoring her again of course - it's just me that's ruining her life by loving and supporting her )

DH came in to try and calm her down and she did talk to him for a bit, after pushing me over and telling me to get the fuck out (of my own bedroom). Eventually she turned on him too though and DH and I tried to retreat to the spare room. This wasn't right either though as she insisted she couldn't sleep by herself and she would just keep us awake all night - started banging on the walls to demonstrate how she would do it.

I said I'd only go back through with her if she would stay quiet and if she would agree to me making a GP appointment in the morning. This was the wrong thing to say, but I was just so worried about her state of mind and desperate to get some help for her as we are not coping with this. She went ballistic and wound herself up into a full-blown panic attack Took until 1.15am to calm her down again.

So this morning we all feel emotionally drained and shattered. DH has gone to work. DD isn't going to school and I can't go to work as she says she'll kill herself if she's left alone. Hoping she'll agree to seeing the GP, and that we can get an appointment today. Think this has all been made worse by the fact she's pre-menstrual.

Finding this all so difficult to cope with, which is pathetic really as I know some of you are dealing far better with way more serious situations. I take my (tin ) hat off to you all

It's not pathetic at all Staywithmemyblood it's really distressing! I have to contend with very similar outbursts here. I deal with it in a similar way as I usually banish dd to her room when she starts getting really out of hand and say "we can talk about this when you are calm and not spouting insults at us". And then we try and carry on with a semblance of normality until she comes down and apologies (this can take betweent two hours or two days). However, however, she isn't threatening to kill herself so it's easy for me to say! On the one hand, you can't let her hold you to ransome with that threat. On the other hand, what if she is serious? It's an impossible situation for you

There's some info here on the NSPCC website please scroll down for more contacts.

And more info here on the Young Minds website. (See separate box for parental support although can't seem to see any suggestions that aren't beyond ordinary common sense but maybe there are more contacts.)

Good to start with the gp anyway and hope you can get an appt quickly

So sorry you are having such a hard time staywithmemyblood. You are dealing with it, the best you can. You are not pathetical, none of us are equipped for these sh..shows. But I know the feeling of overwhelming angst and despair, not to be able to make things better.
You should never ignore such threats, if she won't go to the gp, talk to them yourself.
Wishing you a better day.

Thanks for the hand hold Pegs - I'll check out those websites DD doesn't want to try and see GP today, but has agreed to think about it for next week. I'm hoping that's a sign she wasn't serious about killing herself. Once she's in a more receptive mood I'm going to have a chat with her about the seriousness of making those threats- how it effectively blackmails us, but mostly how much it scares us. Still want her to see GP though as she may be able to prescribe something to help with the PMT - these outbursts are not wholly restricted to that time of the month, but are far more likely to occur then.

Hope everyone gets through today unscathed and ready for the weekend to begin

Thanks Ticklingcheese, that's exactly how I feel If DD refuses GP next week I will go myself. I've done this before when things were really bad and GP did CAHMS referral ( but it was refused as DD hadn't been at the appointment, which is kind of ironic really as a big part of DD's current coping strategy when she is anxious is defiance - refusal to attend school, appointments etc). Haven't heard anything yet about second referral (submitted after DD eventually did go to GP), but waiting lists here are in excess of 18 months.