Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

I’m not posting much because it’s like Groundhog Day here, we’re making no progress.

Ds was high tonight, he went out for a while and came back in a state. We had to tip toe around him and he eventually went to bed.

Older ds who came home to visit has been a breath of fresh air and reminded us what ‘normal’ looks like.

Our lives are so diminished by ds at the moment, I feel awful for writing that and will regret it but now it’s how it is.

My volatile charmer has lost his charm this week

notaflyingmonkey I’m thinking of you & everyone who’s trying but not succeeding at the moment x

Oh dear I do know that feeling of life being diminished. I’m awake at 3am again with ds’s ‘I hate you’s ringing through my head. I know it’s not supposed to be true, but it really feels like it. Any demand he doesn’t like, he turns on us in fury. He genuinely thinks we shouldn’t be telling him what to do at all and the reality is we can hardly make him.

Good morning everyone!

I'm so sorry I wasn't here last night to read and post. I was attending a family function.

Welcome to the thread Flyingmonkey. I hope you are ok. (Well, I know you are not, but as ok as possible in circs and walking sounds like a good idea, I hope it helped a bit.) It's totally understandable that you feel so stressed atm. Please, please try and get some support for yourself and focus on YOU for a bit. What Missusee and Ticklingcheese say about self care is really important I think. And please don't feel like a failure.

We are all just muddling along, "doing our best" on here with various degrees of success. And sometimes, just doing our best is all that we can do.

What prompted me to start this thread was the realisation that I was sinking a bit, getting rather depressed and anxious, and that I wasn't really responding well to my dd in that state (even though my interactions with her contributed to it in the first place) and it all becomes a vicious circle. So please try, if humanly possible, do take some time out just to focus on yourself and keep posting on here if it helps.

And please don't take your son's "blame" too much to heart. As we all know on here, troubled teens lash out at who they love the most (even though they have a very strange way of showing it). Their aim is also (as has been explained to me on here) to make themselves feel better by deflecting blame and criticising others. [Xeroxarama the hate behind the words is horrible I know. I struggle with it the most.]

And to Whoops75 and the other parents on here who are dealing with teen drug use. It must be a very scary thing

Staywithmemyblood glad to hear your dd is a bit calmer now and I hope you can get a GP appt promptly. You and MissusSee make such a good point about "refusal" being an integral part of a distressed adolescent's psyche (refusal to attend school, refusal to obey rules, refusal to engage with therapy). How ludicrous it is that health services don't take this in to account or adapt to it.

I know health funding is at an all time low, but I saw a snippet on the news the other day about how the NHS had set up teams of "out-reach" workers (experienced psychologist and mh nurses) who visited the area immediately around Grenfell Tower to try and talk to distressed residents who were too reluctant or busy to go and seek help themselves.

It shows it is possibly and it seemed like such a good idea. Something similar for "non-engaging" distressed teens would be so helpful for them, and for their parents who are at their wits end and
left to deal with really serious and complex problems virtually alone.

Squeegle Sorry things are still so stressful. The lack of available support and resources is indeed woeful.

McMen71 How was the show? I hope you all had a wonderful time! And I agree with the all the others, that it is SO important to share the good bits, as it is those snippets that give us all hope and keep us all going. So please don't apologise for it! Good luck with revision "support"!

Hang in there Rosemartha

Somewhereovertheroad

Alone1971 it is no fault of yours that adolescence can be a very confronting thing. Hormones have stolen our children! And sorry you are dealing with teen issues and elderly parents; that must be incredibly demanding.

Actually Alone1971 and McMen71 I'd be really interested to know if the ADs help you both for very selfish reasons, as I have been offered them too but too scared to take the plunge atm!

Lightandairy hope you survived the party! You deserve a for helping out with other people's teens! Great to hear that Young Minds were so helpful too.

Welcome back to the thread Siamesekit . Glad things are calmer for you and your ds now. I agree that distress over our teens does tend to "pop out" at various times when you least expect it. I'm Catholic (lapsing) and when I make it to church, I inevitably find myself sitting in the aisles having a bit of a wee cry. Possibly because that is the only time of the day when there is "space for it" or it could just be the poor quality sermon

Waves to Billybagpuss, Daintytoes, TicklingCheese and everyone I have missed (sorry, there are too many to mention!).

And as MissusSee so rightly said, it is "easier said than done" to try and focus on ourselves when all hell is breaking out around us. But we need to do it Po Ts! On that note, please try and take some time out for yourselves this weekend x

Oh and just a rambling thought I had in the night ...

These are just unsubstantiated thoughts - definitely "amateur" psychology and possibly inappropriate given that some teens on here are expressing suicidal thoughts and given that adolescence is often a time when mh issues in teens become apparent - but you know we all complain about how selfish our teens have become and how they don't seem to comprehend the adverse affect that their behaviour is having on their family - well I sometimes wonder if that "selfishness" is a self-protective adaptation too, in that, if they are going to do new, unpredictable and sometimes downright scary things, then maybe nature's way of keeping them safe is to just get them to focus totally on themselves? Who knows?

pefs, my theory is that they reverse to toddler stage, when they realise they are their own person and not a part of us anymore. They get scared and to make us come close to them, they throw the biggest temper tantrums ever.
My amateur armchair psychologist theory (mum) is that teenage years are the same: they realise they’re becoming adults and freak out at the enormity of it all and lash out so we stay by them and make it all better.
It’s not a nice stage, but they come outwith nuggets of brilliance and wisdom from time to time, it’s like glimpsing a bit of what they will become when this hell is all over.

Mine can be vile, but then later on she comes to her senses and comes for a cuddle and apology. She somehow has the insight to look at her actions, she’s telling me she has no idea what possesses her and that it’s scary and tiresome, can I make her some cheesy toast and can she come to bed with me. Mine doesn’t say she wishes I was dead, mine found my buttons and presses them like a mad puppet.
I quite like her though, I think she’s funny and wise and we gave a lot in common.

I’m off to my CBT this morning. It does help; I have been working with a therapist who has children with ADHD so she knows where I am coming from. Trying to keep everything in perspective; hopefully we will all come out ok the other side. Have a good Saturday everyone.

Squeegle good luck with it and glad to know that CBT does help! Have a good day yourself!

8Fencingwire at "reverse toddler" ! I think Ticklingcheese said something similar down thread!

And this ... "they realise they’re becoming adults and freak out at the enormity of it all and lash out so we stay by them and make it all better "

... is a brilliant insight! That is so true!

(Mine sounds very similar to yours btw. A button presser extraordinaire!)

And yes, the future "glimpses" are very precious I think!

Morning all,

@notaflyingmonkey hope you're feeling ok today, I'm very pleased you did decide to post as there is definitely a scale of how affected you can be by all of this and everyone needs a place to offload.

Good luck to everyone this weekend

I want to thank you all again as this thread has really helped me to get everything into perspective.

Pegsinarow I am very impressed by your ability to keep up with everyone's posts.

I am too blinkered by what's going on here to really focus on the struggles of everyone else so more in the hope that things settle for all of us soon.

For those of you struggling personally with mental health problems or with mental health issues in your Dc I am so sorry I wish I had some words of wisdom. Keep strong and remember this too will pass. Everything is a phase.

For those of you struggling with Dc and drug use - no words just hugs. Hopefully sense will prevail.

We have had the week from hell this week but possibly looking brighter today.

@pegsinarow thank you for supporting everyone and pulling the threads together. So true about the not engaging. I’ve been rightly told by camhs etc that engagement has to be the kid’s choice- that idea about low pressure support is so good. How many needy teens are actually prepared to talk to a counsellor?

Thank you @pegsinarow

I’m tired today
Ds said he wasn’t doing drugs, they were playing a drinking game with shots of vodka. He was at his friends from 1pm -5pm and was probably hungover when we saw him at 7pm
He isn’t interested in having parents, just wants the cash, food and roof over his head. CAHMS said we weren’t to be afraid to push back gently, so that’s the plan.

I said yo dh I was worried about our mental health too and could see us getting a ptsd type crash if ds finds his feet.

I hope I can forgive ds for the last 5 years, I struggle to remember a time he wasn’t a problem

Hi everyone, I survived the party, 75 kids 12/13 year olds turned up. A bit of shaking of fizzy drinks and some drama they sorted out themselves, but nothing worse than that thank goodness.

Notaflyingmonkey we've spoken before I did start a thread about my ds struggling with low mood and you were getting your ds an assessment. I hope you are ok (or as ok as you can be) going for walks is a great idea. Please take care and chat on here if you feel it is helpful.

pegs your explanation of the selfishness makes sense....they also seem to be wired to dismiss any suggestions that would help them just because a parent has suggested them

I am relieved my ds is seeing a counsellor at college. He hasn't spoken to me about it but hasn't called himself a waste of space this week so I hope there's some perspective coming through and seems not so morose.

I hope everyone is able to escape a bit this weekend from the stress and worry. Take care.

Whoops75 I do wonder that too. I have three teenagers and a preteen. If they all find there feet in the next few years Dh and I will be left reeling from the hurricane while they sail off in to the sunset. This is why we all do need to protect our mental health and our relationships.

This is a phase of life. We all need to do a bit of self protection for the next phase.

Wow. Songood to know I’m not alone. My DD17 has mental health issues. She refused school from year 8 and has now dropped out of college. I feel like I’m hanging on by my finger nails most days. I miss the little girl she was. I also have. DS14 who is subject to her dramas and it definitely impacts on him. I’m a single mum and my family have fallen out with my dD so I feel alone.

Today I’m tidying her room which is seriously like something you’d see in a hoarders programme. We rent and are due a house inspection so it’s a major stress.

Welcome to the thread Notcoolmum. That sounds very hard indeed to handle on your own without family support. And sorry you are doing bedroom cleaning at the weekend. Wishing you strength for it and a stiff later.

Lightandairy yay that's hopeful about the counsellor !

Oh Whoops75 forgiveness is hard. I think that is what Billybagpuss is going through right now so she will be able to advise, but I imagine the healing will take a while. In the meantime, you have every right to feel profoundly upset.

On a lighter note, I absolutely loved all the baby, and infant stage and young child phase and all the messy arts and crafts and playing imaginary games etc and I look back on that with such happiness, Mrs Smug or what. This bit, um, not so much. Memory bank definitely been dinted. Hope our minds will naturally dim the painful memories, like after childbirth!

Billy and Xeroxarama and others, thank you very much for the thanks but honestly, as I've said before, I feel hugely better myself since starting the thread as I thought I was alone and failing badly. So thanks are due to everyone for posting on here.

Sorry about the week from hell Whattodofgs . As you say, we definitely need to don the protective suit and tin hat for this phase! And it is helpful to remind ourselves that it is "just" a phase!

This too shall pass and all of that Po Ts! This too shall pass!

And - remember - I'd welcome reports of what everyone has done to make themselves feel a bit better this weekend!

Our lives are so diminished by ds at the moment

This x 100. Although in our case it is our DD. Our lives revolve around her and her antics, what mood she'll be in and then the fall out as a result. My mh is very fragile at the moment and then I take it out on my dh, and he takes it out on me. I can say hand on heart the dh and I have a great relationship and the only time we argue is as a result of DDs behaviour. He very much cannot let any of the smaller things go (eye rolls etc) while I feel we have bigger fish to fry and save it for then. But then he thinks if I was more "on the ball" with her then it wouldn't get to the more worrying stages.

Our lives seem to go through the same cycle. DD is fine, we're all fine. She rolls her eyes (or equivalent) , he loses it then blames me, then a day / week passes and there's a huge issue and it becomes all my fault! Life is hell at the moment. Even when it's good it hangs over us in the background.

Thank you for all the support and apologies for not being able to see past my own little bubble to offer support back

Just sending my love and & & & to all of you going through difficulties. I have certainly lived the phrase 'you are only as happy as your unhappiest child' and have posted about the stress and sadness of dealing with a child going through social anxiety, isolation and loneliness. Things are much better but I am always on alert mode looking for signs of unhappiness and waiting to jump in to offer support, advice and love. I am never truly relaxed!! My second child is now a teen and I'm on edge as to what her teenage years will bring. I think I may carry this worry for my eldest for the rest of my life

How about asking mumsnet to do an expert chat with someone on this topic? I think so many of us are struggling for realistic guidance.

That's a great idea Xeroxarama shall I go ahead and do that? Or would you like to contact HQ if you have specific things you'd like addressing?

What a lovely post Blessthekids! And you will have other lovely memories to come with your ds1

Daintytoes I very much recognise the cycle!

Not having great day dd1 ignored family all day until she needed a lift to show came out off bedroom to eat. Still out at an after show party text earlier to extend time and of course I gave in cause i knew she would throw a strop. She will prob lie in bed tomorrow to its time to get ready for next show.
Dd2 went down town broke her phone screen
Lying awake waiting on dd1 to come home and start creaking doors banging running water to wake everyone up.
Thinking on tell dh to get her up early in morn but she would be like a bag cats so might as well let her stayvin bed probably be less stressful.

I hope the show went well last night McMen and you all got some sleep eventually! I think your DD will have earned a bit of a lie in! Good luck for second performance tonight!

pegsinarow it was 3rd show last night we are going again today.
I got dh to get her up at 10 but she still wandering around in pjs and doing makeup they are having a cast dinner at 2.30 so shell appear for that
I sent you a pm on the ad i take after the message about not sharing too much private detail
Have a good sunday everyone.

Thank you very much for your pm McMen71! It's much appreciated!

Well done to your DD1! You must be very proud of her and her commitment to the show!

Evening everyone

Very low motivation and low mood from my ds this evening. He said the counsellor advised him to exercise, but he is not motivated to do so, much of the weekend has been on his phone or on the pc. Refusing to make contact with someone who can help him with work experience, and no chance of looking for a Saturday job, he won't do it, all things which will take him out and about. I think there are self loathing thoughts going on in his head, but at the moment he won't engage with me.

Someone mentioned a while ago about detaching, I know going for walks listening to music helps me and brief relaxation sessions. This is very difficult as worry, stress and more worry comes with the territory and it's relentless. Also some medication to help us cope such as Sertraline, a work colleague takes it and she says it helps. I know my blood pressure is still too high but hoping to avoid the medication route for it.

We are lucky ds's social anxiety and depression are not so severe that he is unable to attend college, I am thankful for that. There is time and hope as they are young.

mcmen I hope your dd enjoyed her show, great dedication. The waking everyone up is a pain, hope you get some good sleep tonight.

Xero that's a great idea about having an expert on here to talk. A psychotherapist who specialises on teen behaviour would be great.

Blessthekids I've heard that expression 'you're only as happy as your unhappiest child' and it is good to hear things are better. My ds has some good days, where the mood lifts somewhat, I am not always good at biding my time and suggesting things when the time's right, like suggesting the work experience when he was in the wrong mood.

Anyway....good night and I hope we all have a good week.

Someone asked up thread do they get better. I mentioned earlier about my friends ds, we were talking yesterday and he has been at a new job and finally seems to have found his worth. She said she’s seen glimpses of happiness that have not been there since primary school. He still has plenty of healing to go and is still very aware that it could all go pear shaped again. But for the first time in forever it’s positive.

I think the problem is they have to be mature enough to start the healing themselves and at probably the most crucial time,18, there is an inevitable break in outside support when they can no longer access cahms

All we can do is hold onto the rope and be ready to forgive and heal our own relationship with them when the time comes.

Have a good week everyone