Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

I’m mourning the loss of my darling sweet DD1, 14 almost 25 and utterly vile. Self centred, everything is our fault, doesn’t get anything, we are too controlling, won’t let her have fun etc

You are all saying it for me.

My DD is 14.9 and is just revolting. She was the most gorgeous, sweet, kind, loving, adorable, funny little girl. She is now a sullen, surly creature who blames me for breathing. If I hadn't been a stupid SAHM, I'd have been able to give her more money, etc, etc, etc. Her main interest in life is Snapchat.I hate her blasted phone with a passion. I take it at 10 o'clock every night, and every night she makes a huge fuss about it. Even though she knows that's the deal.

Typical example this morning: DD was late getting up. This was my fault, even though I woke her up several times and put her phone in her room when I got up at 5.50, so she also had an alarm. She then spat bile at me because she was going to be too late to walk to school so needed money for the bus (which I didn't have - I had about 20p in my purse). I then had the nerve to mention breakfast. Breakfast? Didn't I realise that she was just drinking water today? How STUPID could anyone possibly be? And so on...

What's even weirder is that DS (16.9) was a horrendous small child, but has been a very straightforward and agreeable teenager. DD reduces me to tears on a pretty much daily basis, though (after she has gone to bed).

I'm a few years away from this. Can I ask the single parents, have your children threatened to go to live with their other parent? If so, what have you said?

It's a regular refrain @ohamireally . You just have to smile and nod, on the whole.

I say to mine- you are welcome to go; I would be sad if that happened as I love you, but if you’d like to, you are free to stay with him. He is still here (so far).

Thank you for tnis thread. Literally the day my DD started her periods, EVERYTHING changed. It’s been the toughest two years of my life and I’m usually quite stoic. I spend a lot of time looking at all the photos and videos of us together beforehand and crying. People say it will eventually pass but it doesn’t feel like it. I miss her little handwritten notes and her smile. I also feel lke I’m missing out on years of what could be happy times. Not all the time but just simple things like going to the cinema together.

Reading this thread has made me feel a little bit better. I seem to be surrounded by friends with 'good' teens and feel like I'm a bad parent, I'm obviously not alone as so many of you have very similar teens to mine.
The teen years is real parenting. It's so easy when they're little (although it didn't seem like it at the time)
Let's hope we can all chat on this forum in a few years time and tell each other what great adults they are now!

There seem to be so many of us going through similar things. Weird how that is so comforting. Sorry to take comfort in others' pain but that's how it is!

Does anyone else struggle with their teen's eating? She won't eat with us but used to slink down and eat later if I left a plate. She hardly will now and just eats crap bought from the shop on the way home from school.

Does anyone else find it difficult to know when to make a fuss and encourage her to eat (or shower or change clothes or clean teeth) and when to leave them to it?

Well dd has gone off to school in a better mood and she did apologise last night, saying she didn't mean what she said which was a first .

I'm so relieved as I had really thought I had come to the end with it all last night and told dh things couldn't carry on the way they were.

I must admit though I'm also surprised at the extent to which her moods dictate the atmosphere of the entire house and my own state of mind. I think I need to work on building up my own confidence again so that I can be a bit more impervious to her outbursts. This thread is definitely helping!

strawberrisc the bit about the handwritten notes in your post really got to me . It really is as if a creature called "adolescence" has come and stolen our dc; although logically we know the lovely creatures they once were (and still are on occasion) are in there somewhere!

Gatherly dd does eat with us generally but I have had the usual battles about junk food and eating a load of crap just before dinner, and not drinking enough fluids. Like you said in your earlier post, it's so hard to judge when to let go and when to come down hard. I've no idea what the answer is. I guess I am happy if dd has had four or five healthy-ish main meals out of seven in the week. Exercise is another issue though ... . Maybe the answer is to have a few core non-negotiables (those things that are really important to you - or things you could agree upon with your dc when they are in a reasonable mood) and lighten up on the rest?

In terms of encouraging them to eat; I've found little and often is good. So always having healthy snacks (I bake once a week) in the tin/in the fridge and a good bowl of fresh fruit available. So at least if they do go foraging at home; the foodstuffs they encounter aren't too bad! I personally try to avoid making food a pressure point though (easier said than done when you are worried though). Cooking together has worked in the past and some friends of mine have their daughters cook for them once a week.

Solidarity DrGradusAdParnassum ! (From one "stupid" SAHM to another!) I started reading "Untangled" last night by Lisa Damour about teenage girlds and so far (before I fell asleep anyway!) have found it really helpful. In the opening pages there is a passage titled "surprisingly mean" in which she describes how teenage girls are exquisitely attuned to the adults they know well and tend to use that knowledge to hit you where it hurts ie they exploit our own insecurities very cleverly! It's actually quite impressive! I wish I had read that bit before everything kicked off yesterday. Really recommend the book!

A and a to all the single parents on this thread coping with this by yourselves. You are heroes.

Here's hoping Whoopi!

Hang in there everyone!

Back later for when the schools are out

I was lulled into a false sense of security by the older three.

DS1: had his own issues, but was almost always polite and respectful.
DS2: he is 17 and we are still waiting for the teenage boundary-pushing stage.
DD: likes to be independent hates it when I try to micromanage her but again almost always polite and respectful.

Then DS3 hit adolescence. 😲

As an example, DS3 can be so rude and obnoxious at mealtimes (the main time we are all together) that he has made DD cry, and DS2 has begun to dread mealtimes and hardly eats.

He behaves perfectly at school. 🤨

Oh well, she didn't speak to me at all this morning, I was quite relieved. I didn't realise how exhausting it was making such an effort in the hope she might be civil.
She's all best friends with her dad at the moment, he is sympathetic to my plight but said I have to remain in control and be the adult. Easier said

@Pegsinarow thank you. I miss those handwritten notes so much! Luckily I still have the ones she sent.

For what it is worth living with a teenager is pretty much living with a malicious alien, who will find all your soft spots, create an atmosphere and seem to enjoy it. This alien you don't recognize, you love with every bone in your body, and you grow to resent its behavior. And then ever so often your sweet, loving child pops its head up.

I think the LESS you parent the way you used to and the more you walk away from arguments, the better. Going from mom, who helps and listens and interfere, to just being back-up is hard and it is hard because we don't feel the world and our families have changed and act as we have always done. But to them everything has changed, and no matter what we do, they will counter react.

On a slightly different note: who ever invented the 'Sweet Sixteen' thing, definitely wasn't a parent 😂.

Don't know if any of my babble is of use to you but
IT WILL PASS.

ThefirstOHN hats off for wrangling four teens!

Strawberrisc I have a treasure box too! And sometimes, when things are really bad, go to the computer and look at photos of happier times. Partly to remind myself that (a) we did have them once and (b) to verify that yes, she did have lovely parties and fun holidays and her childhood wasn't quite so bad as she likes to make out...those days seem so distant . Evidently for her too!

Ticklingcheese not babble at all. Really grateful for all advice. And yes, ha, "sweet" sixteen ...utterly deluded!

Ihopeyourcakeisshit it is exhausting isn't it? Never quite knowing how they are going to react to something and walking on eggshells. It's very draining.

I know sometimes after a spat when DD is ready to apologise and starts to behave as though nothing has happened, I am not quite "there" yet, which is because it prolongs the tension. But I can't always keep up with the pace of the fast changing emotions.

Thankfully we are having a break from hostilities atm. I feel very flat tonight.

which is bad because it prolongs etc

Sorry you are feeling this and hearing nasty things from you child.
I remember my sister saying teens have HUGE emotions and hormones are playing havoc inside them. Not condoning their bad behaviour but 'parking' it a little might help?
Just keep saying it's hurtful for you to hear them say such things and that you love them. This too shall pass. Much love to you.

@strawberrisc Oh, I wish you hadn't mentioned the little handwritten notes, as the thought is making me all tearful!!

DD used to leave endless notes for me (normally because she was worrying about something, like whether her PE kit would be ready for the following day). She always signed them with little pictures of us. That hasn't happened for a while. The only time she's nice is when she is about to ask me for something. 😢

@Pegsinarow, everything you write is so true. My DD can be unspeakable. Then, two minutes later, she's all sweetness and light. While I'm still trying to process the vileness of the past hour, the many ways (listed by her in great detail) in which I have been a complete failure as a mother, etc, etc. She then thinks I'm being difficult because I can't just instantly switch back to being Happy Mum. FML.

Glad it's not just me DrGradus!

Thank you MrHaroldFry. Yes, I think parking it for a bit would be beneficial. Aside from teen angst, I am feeling a bit out of sorts about life, the universe etc etc atm, so probably more susceptible to harsh words than I normally would be. I'm usually fairly "stable" and grounded believe it or not, need to get a grip! Or perhaps get away by myself for a day or two.

Thanks again for all the support everyone. It really does help. Sending spadefuls in return!

Well, all this is perversely quite comforting and I am feeling a little less alone! My DS (16) today stayed at home instead of going to school - this is a regular occurrence (only found out when the school phoned me). I went home at lunchtime to confront him and found him on his PS4; he then kicked me and called me an 'ugly c**t'. A couple of weeks ago I found cannabis resin in his room; he constantly lies to me and says he doesn't care about doing any work to pass his GCSEs, which are due to start in 7 weeks. I have been prescribed antidepressants (they made me feel even worse) and am now on HRT. I can't see an end to it all and sometimes just feel like running away. Unfortunately DS and husband do not get on at all and I feel I have to be there to mediate. Hang in there everyone!

I don't think that's a teen thing. It's a messed up dickhead thing. I said some pretty nasty stuff as a teen but what yours said...is beyond the pail. You either must have been bugging her relentlessly until she has finally snapped or...she has the beginnings of some serious personality disorder forming (I mean, I guess she could have been having a horrible stressful time and just taken it out on you...but the severity of what she said and the triumphant reaction...doesn't gel with that idea). Same thing goes for other people in similar situations. A rare 'I wish you were dead' outburst might be to be expected but if they are coming out with stuff like that every day, they have some serious issues and probably need to be booked into see a psychiatrist. It worries me that people are claiming such things are normal teen behaviour. Eh no.

@teafirthewin, what is your evidence for saying what is normal or not?

I’m in bed crying because of my teen
He was given his last chance in school yesterday and decided to bleach his hair tonight. I just burst into tears told him he was a selfish idiot and came to bed.

tea, sorry but not everything is a personality disorder or need to be labeled.
Teens are not all alike, some act up others don't. Even though they are raised the same.
I think, if you experience violence and substance abuse you should seek help. But verbal abuse is quite common imo.
Just try to remember how frustrated you felt in your own teens.

Big hugs @Whoops75.