Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

[Pegsinarow]

Tbh, I don't think we would be doing our proper jobs as parents if we didn't challenge lack of hwk, school avoidance, and behaviours which get in the way of study such as being on a phone all night. There has to be a balance (ha! wouldn't that be great!)

And - on a good day - I like to think that DD appreciates the fact that it demonstrates we care and some of it gets through.

On a bad day, she slams the door in my face

You can take a horse to water ...

MissusSee I don't have any advice as I'm in a pit over all of this myself, but just wanted to say that it sounds as though there is not much more you could do to try and help change the situation. I am sure there will come a day when the penny will drop with your dd, especially when she has such a great role model as yourself and a mother who is so committed to helping her. .

Midlifemumofteens I think the "deep breath everything is ok-ish today" but then knowing it can all go wrong again in an instant and being uncertain about what tomorrow brings...is one of the very worst aspects of this. You can never quite relax and enjoy life like you did before.

I had to cry laugh the other day as I was clearing out junk from our home office and came across a star chart that I'd made for dd, listing all the chores she did on a regular basis when she must have been about 9 yrs old. It's far more than she does now and she'd even written "it's my pleasure" and drawn some hearts and kisses for me at the foot of it. Nowadays, I physically tense up when I ask her to empty the DW in case she kicks off. To be fair to her, sometimes she does it with no more than an eye roll, other times she explodes!

[Whoops75]

Hope today is a good day for everyone.

We had the full spectrum of emotions in our house yesterday. We’re all exhausted today, but feel more in control of the situation.

I remember as a teen my mother would hum one day at a time sweet Jesus a lot, I just thought she really liked the song

[Pegsinarow]

. Whoops75

I nominate "I will survive" (Gloria Gaynor) and "Smells like teen spirit" (Nirvana)

[Pegsinarow]

Glad things feel more in control!

Awkward truce here currently ... .

Yes, have a good day everybody and maybe we should take just 30 mins to a couple of hrs to do something just for ourselves (if humanly possible) between now and end of Sunday? Fancy reporting back next week?

[MachineBee]

I believe the idea that they kick off at us more than other adults is because they are safe in the knowledge we will not desert them.

Part of my DSCs attitude almost certainly comes from their sense that I am not going anywhere and also they don’t feel I am as ‘important’ to them as their DM who has abandoned them in the past (when she left them to go to her now DP). They are not stupid kids and they know how much she just dumps them on us at a moments notice. Whereas we just rearrange our plans to include them and carry on.

[Pegsinarow]

Your dsc are lucky to have you MachineBee

[Hanab]

Yes - it drains me ..

[Hushabyelullaby]

I'm with you too. I'm so sick of it I don't even want to give it the headspace it'd take to write about it. You are not alone OP

[HotSauceCommittee]

My 15 was a nightmare. He’s a lot better, but is still getting in trouble at school. Every time I see the school number come up on my phone, my heart starts thumping.
I was at hospital with DS2 who broke his arm this morning and the bloody school is ringing me because DS1 is ill (again-crap diet; won’t eat my home cooked food) and he’s supposed to be in a drama exam. DH is away on a business trip so no help from there while all the shit is happening.

[Obviouslynotallthere]

Today DS2 15 is very angry and pissed off because he has more negatives than ever this week and is permanently in detention pretty much. School just doesn't seem to work for him and we're just counting down and hanging in there until gcse next year. He feels quite put down constantly and can be quite brilliant but can't sustain it and is just stupid behaviour in school. I admire some teachers but I think some are just fed up of him. He's been treated for depression but that's finished now and things have deteriorated a little bit.
I like the idea of natural consequences. Other than that I'm desperately try not to lose my shit but it's a rollercoaster and some days I want to run away. Other days it's the DH who wants to escape. I dint know if DS2 is mentally ill or if we're crap parents who have fucked him up or if this is the extreme end of normal. My son just doesn't want to fit in to the box he's supposed to fit into.

[LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD]

Well I have the urge to go to school and tell one of DSs teachers exactly what a think of him. A sneery little child hating bully (with a few expletives thrown in for good measure).

His reports are a joy to read - teachers in the family and amazed how bloody obnoxious his reports are!

[DrGradusAdParnassum]

What a lovely post, @FelixTitling. Your DD is lucky to have you. As all our teens are lucky to have us, and we are lucky to have them - it just doesn't feel that way a lot of the time.

My DD is a great one for reminding me how lucky I am and that loads of teenagers are far worse than she is. This is true, but it doesn't feel like a consolation when I'm remembering how very lovely she used to be.

This morning, I had: "Why are you giving me the evil eye?" from her. I was just absently looking at the kettle at the time. She then had a rant at me because she was going to be late for school (despite the fact that I woke her up, gave her her phone with its alarm, then went in every ten minutes to remind her. All to no avail). She is staying with her DF tonight, and will be sweetness and light with him, so that he can tell me that I'm the one in the wrong all the time.

DS's endless requests for money are relatively harmless by comparison.

[Whoops75]

My son just doesn't want to fit in to the box he's supposed to fit into

Took the words out of my head.

[birdinatree]

Oh my word, you are all true warriors carrying on through what is being described - we'll be entering this stage in a year or so and it does worry me.
I remember reading something about teenage behaviour being an evolutionary thing to force children away from their parents and on out into the world... don't know if that's bollocks - or of any comfort!
I do worry about just what being a teenager is like now though - I'm sure they're so much more aware of the world they'll be entering as adults because all the news is at their finger tips - plus social media - so much more than when I was that age - it must be scary.
You're all doing an amazing job

[Flapjackninja]

Like many I feel comforted finding this thread I was just checking the board to see if anything similar had been posted before I started my own.

I honestly feel like giving up with DD15 I can just see her throwing her future away but she just won't listen. She's gone from getting 9 GCSE's with a 5-7 grade. To only sitting 4 with little hope of getting a grade 4-5.

I'm at a loss she currently out won't tell me were and I just feel like saying fine you've won when she bothers to come back and giving up.

She smokes, takes drugs, risky behaviour with boys. School are great reduced her time table so she could "cope" and now she won't attend the few lessons she's supposed to.

I don't know what to do I'm trying the lovebombing, ignore the worse of it reassure her I love her no matter what but I feel it's all thrown back in my face.

[Oblomov19]

With you OP. Ds1 is awful atm. Year 10 exams recently have been particularly awful.

I'm Struggling atm. Ds1 & Ds2 are rude and unappreciative.

Ds1 used his phone in school, despite a warning, so lost it for 3 weeks.

School phoning me constantly him not turning up to detentions, only doing 1/4 of his paper in one exam, so having to resist it, having wrong socks etc. Some of it was fine, but some of it was just OTT. I told them that they were ringing me too much!! It was making me ill.

I've been really ill myself recently.

Been to 2 job interviews didn't get either.

I'm now thinking about joining a firm who contract self employed finance people etc. I've just gone on a two day induction in London to see if I'm the kind of candidate that they want to hire.
Then I'll be allocated to clients: driving all round the county looking after them.

Ds1 left his football team, then decided to signed up to Another : was a nightmare. Endless emails, phone calls, horrible phone calls with old chairman to try and get him released. No thanks from Ds1.

So, i said to the ds's :
"I've got a lot on, going to interviews, possibly signing up to New firm, doing an accounting package course. And I'm not feeling very well generally. So I need you to be especially helpful and respectful right now".

What happened?
They've been worse!! 😡🙄

My boys are so ungrateful. No idea how good they have it, despite me regularly reminding them. I hate that.

Not liking either of them very much atm.

[strawberrisc]

Just placemarking for now x

[WheelyCote]

Two teens and both have been not too bad but even its not blumin easy.

Sometimes its like im a monster. Theyre great lads but the teen years are tough. Like the toddker years but you cant just pick them up when theyre having a wobble

[Pegsinarow]

Good morning everyone! Great to have new recruits to the thread! (Although really sorry it is teen angst that has brought you here.) We need a gin cupboard!

HotSauceCommittee That sounds like a horribly stressful day yesterday. I hope your boys are both ok this morning and you managed some sleep last night and gin.

Wheelycote

Oblomov19 sorry you are going through such huge stress on all fronts currently. It's bad enough dealing with all of this without being unwell too. I was in hospital recently and I assumed at 15 yrs that dd would be old enough to twig by herself that it was a bit of an "all hands to the pump" situation. Not only did she need huge nagging encouragement by my dh to help at home not that he was much better , but she rang me from school on the day of my operation to say that she had a headache and felt sick and what was I going to do about it .
I know that all the books say their brains are going through a period of plasticity which partly explains lack of empathy etc, but it really doesn't help knowing that at the time Also, crikey re: the odd socks! They could have given him a bit of leeway over that surely? Best of luck with your job interviews. [Sending fortitude and more ]

DrGradusAdParnassum that 'evil eye' over the kettle scenario sounds worryingly familiar! Mornings are awful aren't they? I'm certain (because I've witnessed it) that dd skips off to her friends and is immediately laughing with them afterwards, without a thought in her head about what just happened, while I'm left (on the verge of tears or seething with anger) to stew on her rather vicious words all day, thinking "what just happened"? "what did I do wrong?"

Flapjackninja Obviouslynotallthere Whoops75 LordProFekko and everyone struggling with school issues; so sorry you are having to deal with all this ongoing stress.

It does make one wonder why dc face life-determining exams at a time in their lives they are so emotionally labile and it is a challenge for them to lead a lifestyle that is conducive to study. I think I read somewhere that teens are able to assimilate huge amounts of info, but that is not much use if they are not in the right place to be able to settle down and study.

Obviouslynotallthere I'm sorry school is proving to be such a negative experience for your ds atm. That sounds really hard indeed and very draining for you.

Hushabyelullaby and Hanab this too shall pass and all of that; although when you are in the middle of it, I know that's not of much comfort.

Waves to Strawberrisc and everyone else! Hang in there people. We know our lovely teens are in there somewhere and one day ... with fingers crossed and a following wind .... they will emerge.

Try and take some time out for yourselves today or over the weekend to refuel and destress. Hope you - and your teens - all have as good a day as possible.

[Pegsinarow]

So sorry Birdinatree! Meant to say - what a lovely lost! Treasure your pre-teen time while you still have it!

Yes, as I am reading currently (in "Untangled") apparently it is all part of the difficult process of preparing to leave the nest. For example, sitting alone in your bedroom for hours on end is just that... a means of being alone ... but in a safe environment to start with. That's a tiny example but great to have it explained!

And YY, I think you have hit the nail on the head there. I think the Internet - while amazing, not to mention hugely beneficial to study - has brought all of the world's terrors right in to our teens bedrooms. DD is genuinely anxious about climate change, pandemics, the environment, terrorism, war, antibiotic resistance etc etc. I'm not sure I had those same anxieties as a fifteen year old. More like how I was going to sneak one of my sisters tops out of her bedroom without her noticing. It's all so much more serious and date I say, her worries are not totally unwarranted either.

It is really nice to share the load on this thread.

[Pegsinarow]

[Yikes! Sorry for essays ]

[Flapjackninja]

Escalated somewhat with DD overnight she didn't return home at all. Reported her missing just after Midnight. She turned her phone off so I have no way of contacting her. School have rang to say she turned up there at 8:30 but still won't answer to me.

Hoping police will go into school and speak to her before she goes AWOL for the whole weekend

Feel like I'll be replaced at work they are supportive but behind the scenes they must be thinking how unreliable I am.

[Pegsinarow]

Oh no Flapjack I'm glad you know where your DD is now- and that's she safe - but you must have been out of your mind with worry. I hope the police can talk to her.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Def agree about the internet raising anxiety. With DD a headache becomes a brain tumour .... stiff neck is meningitis ..... rib pain the other day was a blood clot!! Stop googling!!!!

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Flapjack, glad your DD is ok, what a worry.