Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

pegsinarow

What's the general consensus on checking phones?

I'm Scandinavian, so different culture and parenting style, but I have never checked phones. We have spend a looot of time talking about internet safety and how to talk to others in writing. Did this pre teen too.

But what i would do if they were teens now, is to beg that you could track them, and promise, promise ONLY to use it if they went missing.

This is invasive, but depending on how much they trust you, the best safety net imo.

mine appeared soo sensible, nice, high achieving and charming.

Mine too until recently. Definitely making a show of herself and us now though!!

I think I hesitate to talk about it because it makes me feel like a horrible mum because she can be lovely when not off on one but, my God, she is so volatile.

I feel that it reflects on me, my parenting, my relationship, my marriage and my whole lifestyle. I have had this feeling since I have become a parent - that others have it sussed, have it easier and some seem to delight in letting me know it, too.

I have had conversations re phone checking. At 11or 12, I felt I should have full access but am uncomfortable with it now. She generally is where she says but is a bugger for not answering and can ve a bit late at times.

If she did go missing, the police would be able to trace her via her phone anyway and there is nothing to stop someone from attacking her and chucking her phone in a ditch if you really wanna be dark about it. I'm not sure how useful it is anyway and Id have hated it too

To be fair I think the healing process for my teens did start at 18/19 and they started recovering. It is like recovering from an illness and the brain function (well the manners part anyway) is abandoned for a while.

gandalf, sorry, meant two hours (or so) missing/not answering, not police missing.

billybag my dd was horrid from very early 16 and started to recovering during late 18, not over but so much easier and sensible 😀.

There is hope 😀.

Btw pegsinarow, please don't laugh, but Bach Rescue Remedy drops and breathing excersises sometimes helped me 🤭.

Police will only track the phone if they are "high risk" missing. Dd was medium risk even though she was away overnight at 14.

It took the police 16 hours to put it on Facebook too. Basically they didn't do an awful lot.

@gandalf, I think the only thing I've ever really learnt is that what you are describing is pretty standard paranoia, we all have it. Every job I've ever had, including parenthood I keep expecting someone to tap me on the shoulder and say they've sussed me out and I really shouldn't be here.

I can assure you, its nothing to do with your parenting its all perfectly normal. Those who 'have it sussed' have just honed their skills of showing you what they want you to see. 'Little Johnny has just read the complete works of Shakespeare' but they'd never tell you he still can't eat with a knife and fork and is wetting the bed every night. By the time little Johnny gets to this age and is doing his EPQ on testing every drug and alcoholic drink mentioned within the complete works of Shakespeare they are used to highlighting the good and glossing over the bad and have worked out that if you make others feel bad they won't look too deeply beyond their apparent veneer of perfection.

Well I'm currently on a mad dash home from work early to get DD. Got a call from her mobile but from a boy, saying she had been spiked.

She's meant to be on study leave so god knows what she was doing out (ha, naive!)

Apparently there was about 8-10 of them in a house "no alcohol " then DD starts feeling shaky, sweaty, dizzy, feels she's going to die, laughing, crying.

Currently on train. Ex is on his way in the car. I know this is a silly question but do I take her to hospital?? Don't want to waste nhs time, what can they do about it anyway? Panicking.

Ex has picked her up. She's a mess. Is hyperventilating, eyes at back of head, covered in dog shit. He thinks she's been drinking but says there's more to it. Oh god. He's taking her straight to hospital and I'll meet him there.

Do you have contact numbers for any friends there? If so, maybe ring them up and demand to know what they've been taking as it will help doctors know how to counteract it.

I was going to say ‘straight to hospital’ so glad your Ex is doing that. Hope everything is ok @daintytoes.

Oh no Daintytoes how awful for you. I hope she's ok. Thinking of you and your dh. Hospital sounds like a good plan. Hope it's nothing too serious. Drive safely and take deep breaths xxx

@daintytoes hope your dd is ok.

daintytoes hope everything works out 💐.

I'm still on my way I work in centre of city so no car. (License revoked anyway due to stress related seizures). Have so far got a train towards general area of home, got off when heard she was going to hospital, no taxi cabs passing, private taxi was going to take forever so I'm crawling along on a bus ex (DDs dad) has her in paediatric a&e just getting her checked in now. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm sure she'll be fine but I swear I'll wring some wee shits necks. Maybe hers. I'm sure they'll detect if she's had alcohol (blood tests etc) If it comes back positive then she's lied. Oh god I'm getting ahead of myself. Focus on now!

Ps thank you everyone! Fucking love action thread, sorry

*live not love.

Daintytoes
Try and calm yourself if you can. She is a child they make mistakes. Make sure she is ok first.

easy to say from my armchair

Hope she is ok

Still on the bus

Have managed to finally get hold of her best friend who has assured me there were no drugs involved. Said she drank her body weight on Mad Dog! Not sure if she hit her head.

I've taken time off work, ex had to rush there from working at home but first pick up his 2 under 5's from childminder, rush her to hospital. Her little brother has seen her in that state and covered in dog shit.

Once I see she's fine, hear from doctors she is fine then I'm going to go fucking mental. (If tests show no drugs). Hope she has the worst hangover ever tomorrow

what I'm no longer panicking. I'm seething inside and will let rip once her hangover sets in!

Be careful you don't get ill yourself Daintytoes try and breathe; good luck

Oh @Daintytoes, so sorry you're having to deal with this. Hope you've got there safely now.

For what its worth she may not need the telling off at all, you're going to have one very embarrassed and poorly little girl tomorrow.

Have you reached the hospital yet? if it looks like she's going to be allowed home tonight it might be worth asking ex DP to pick her up a towel and some clean clothes if there's a shop nearby.

and loads of cyber hugs

@Daintytoes, God sorry you are having to deal with this. Hope she is ok and you are able to regain serenity 👍. They really do drive us insane don’t they?