Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

That does sound intensely stressful Squeegle but it's good he is going in to school (albeit a bit late). Hope you can profit from a peaceful night!

Welcome to the thread Keeleebee! I can identify with a lot of your post. It is really difficult to gauge whether we are being too strict or too lenient and it is hard being the "bad" guy all the time. I don't have a clue really, but I think the first one is a question of deciding for yourself what you are comfortable with (so you can defend your position) depending on your child's individual personality and your individual circumstances but maybe be prepared to negotiate when they show they can earn trust. And as for being the bad guy, I think the advice on here is to choose your battles. It's hard when every little interaction is difficult though.

Glad things going ok Whattodofgds

@keeleebee - you’re definitely in the right place. My DS (15), has turned from seeing me as the light of his life and someone to be obeyed to seeing me as bad cop to be avoided. He doesn’t want to go anywhere with me as I am too embarrassing and is completely impervious to many of my requests. So it drives me crazy (literally). I think it’s even hard for mums parenting boys as the boys certainly don’t aspire to be like their mums - they look for male role models. In terms of bedtime 9’does seem a bit early. My DS goes around 10 or 11 - he has a lot of trouble sleeping though as he has ADHD.

Thank you for welcoming me.
@pegsinarow I think I just needed something clear to be comfortable with! It’s not like when they are little and you can chat to the other mums in the playground. I often think if I contact any of his friends mums he will find out and be even more cross with me. Since he was 13/14 I had the find my iPhone thing set up on his phone and recently I mentioned it. Thinking he had just forgotten. He was furious. He said I should trust him and know where he is because he tells me not because I am tracking him. He was right I think! He disabled it and I agreed I was in the wrong. I felt awful. To be fair to him for the last two years whenever he told me he was going anywhere that is exactly where he was! So he has built up trust and I just felt so bad.
@squeegle it isn’t so much bedtime at 9 he doesn’t go to sleep early it was more just a curfew for coming in so I could rest and relax.

@keeleebee - ah yes sorry I didn’t read what you wrote properly. I get what you mean. I give different times according to where he is - can be 11 if at a friend’s house at a weekend. But my DS has a habit of not telling me exactly where he is and turning his location off. He doesn’t always tell the truth unlike your boy!

@squeegle I imagine it will get harder as he gets older. I keep saying to my DH I don't know how I'm going to get through the next two years. (As if some magic thing will happen at 18 - I don't want to think that far ahead 🤣).
The location tracker thing I think probably is a step too far. As anyone I have mentioned it to as said oh my god you would have hated that at his age. At a time when you are developing independence and trying to learn to become an adult etc. I know this is true.
I keep saying always honesty always the truth. I tell him this constantly. Always be honest and there will not be an issue 🤞
I'm hoping by encouraging him to be honest I will be able to say yes to whatever he needs and so we continue. Problem is I am hugely anxious and I get all sickly and shaky and panic. Ridiculous I'm sure 😖

Hi

I have had a fun after school time with my 14 year old. She came in monosyllabic - always a bad sign. Naughty dh had eaten some of her Easter chocolate and she properly flipped and pulled all of the voats from their hooks and dumped them on the floor.

I had a similar type tantrum last night because I was trying to call my sister on what she made out to be a family emergency and dd was insisting I look at a photo on her phone there and then and i refused. Turns out, it was not a family emergency at all and I was getting ucked into a family row at 9.30pm after a v long day at work. When I tried to explain this to my sister, she said all she wanted was attention and she is fine with her and I shouldn't be working bh Monday as not having family time is affecting her.

This is my number 1 hate from fellow parents - lack of emotional support.

Gandalf46 with dc herself you'd think that your sister would know they generally behave much better for their aunts than for their parents! Sounds as though everyone wants a bit of your time, including your sister, which is v hard on top of working long hrs.

My DD does the same thing with wanting attention "right now" btw having previously ignored me for hours! It's really strange as she was much more patient as a 10 yr old.

I get very, very anxious too Keeleebee it's really exhausting sometimes. It's not ridiculous though as we read about teens doing irrational things and suffering the consequences. Mine can be very wise and sensible for her age and then as daft as a brush in the very next moment. Trouble is, if we don't let them make mistakes (within reason) they don't learn! It is scary!

I know what you mean about seeking clarity too. With teens we need to be clear in our own minds about parenting decisions because the push back from them can be so strong. And we are often confronted with having to make a split second decision about something which is very difficult; particularly when they are way ahead with the planning of whatever it is they want to do ( as they don't have a million other things to think about like us) and we are left scrambling to catch up. I remember reading in one of those parenting bks that in those circumstances, it's reasonable to take some time to think about our own position and take a decision in our own time without being hurried. And I think that goes for a lot of parenting teens tbh. The degree of strictness or leniency in itself may not matter to a huge extent, perhaps what matters more is how comfortable we are with our decisions, how much we have thought them through, and the consistency and calmness with which we implement them. I don't know for sure though!

Squeegle yes like you I tend to set different times depending on where DD is, who she is with, what she is doing and whether shes on holiday the next day or not.

Thank for all your supportive comments. She has not started her periods yet but I think it will be soon. (She is not even a teen but the behaviours I was reading on here sound like what we are experiencing so i joined in on this thread). She is almost 12. Dreading what it will be like in a couple of years.

Today was not much better although she went to school. Terrible attitude. Called me a stupid bitch when I said it was time to come in from playing in the garden. Later on continued with hate type comments eg I must be worst mum on the planet or if she can get me to cry it means she doesn't have to hear my voice, told me if I do not do what she tells me to do immediately it means i dont care about her or love her. ( i did at this point say because I love you you can not get your own way all the time). Told me she had googled how to shut your fucking mother up and it listed lots of ideas. I didnt react to this as i felt she was being goady.
The sad thing is I am a quiet sensitive person who does not swear and hates confrontation. All I have ever done is positive things for her and she is only happy when she makes me sad or cross.
I spent today 40 mins or so playing ball games in the garden as one to one attention. It is not as though she is ignored. I praise the good and ignore the bad (sometimes with the bad there has to be consequences).
It is getting worse. There are other issues involved in our lives in a wider aspect which are not helping but she has had this mindset since she was little and always been this way inclined.
The doesn't care about anyone except herself attitude is wearing too. Especially as i have taught her about caring for friends and family. She just gets jealous and tells me I must not talk to family or friends as she forbids it. (Again of course I still talk to my family and friends despite her demands).

Feeling depressed tonight. Hoping tomorrow will be better.

Yes my DSS is seriously affecting my mental health!

Morning all. I can relate to the anxiety and worry.

Gandalf My 14 year old dd I am told is an angel at school, but at home she can be rude and lazy. That sounds exhausting being stuck between dd and sister and I agree they are different with others.

Rosemartha I hope your dd is calmer and nicer today. My dd was awful few months before periods started.

It's very easy for people to judge. I keep quiet at work now as my younger colleagues I've heard calling another parent too soft, we all go through it some way or another.

I have to rush off to work now after dropping my ds off at the bus stop will post again later. An older friend of mine said "we've all been through it" and be careful to not tell people who will be scathing/judgemental what's going on.

I have been so anxious about my DS that I have started doing CBT to try and become calmer. It has helped to some extent as I realise that st this age I cannot control all he does, I have to hand over a lot of the responsibility to him. Adapting to this change is very hard, and I guess I just feel so sad that the happy family life I envisaged is just not the reality at all. But, acceptance makes it slightly easier and threads like this where I see that lots of us don’t have the perfect family life are reassuring. I just hope things will improve as my DS gets older. I too hold out for the magical 18 age; although I suspect it may take a bit longer!

And sorry ladies, it was closer to 20 for me

Good morning.

Welcome to the club Whilelottalottie ! Sorry things are tough going.

I agree Lightandairy that was kind of your older friend. To be fair to the "uninitiated" (to my shame) I remember reading Mumsnet threads in horror thinking "how can parents say that about their own DC, my DC will never behaviour like that" and let's just say, I now know better . Have a good day at work!

Hang in there Rosemartha it isn't pleasant being spoken to in that way. Do you have any rl support? I face the same sort of dialogue and it is hurtful and debilitating to be on the other end of it constantly, especially when it is said with such hatred and intensity . What this thread has taught me is they definitely don't hate us, we are not the worst parents in the world, and to walk away and disengage before they make us cry! Your reply was excellent (I often say to DD "a parent who doesn't love you, wouldn't care about X, y or z in the first place, and they wouldn't care what you were doing" ). Can you try and get out and treat yourself to a trip doing something you enjoy? Focus on yourself a little bit maybe?

I also used to think “my children won’t be like that”!! I heard a recording of a friend’s teenager, she was shouting “I fucking hate my life, get away,” and all sorts of other stuff, he had recorded it to show her how unreasonable she was and he played it to us at work. I was really shocked.. and now a few years later I realise that seems to be par for the course. I accept invitations only when I know it won’t stress me out too much if I have to cancel them. Otherwise the pressure can be too much. It’s defintiely better to be honest, but it does make me feel like a bit of a failure. Especially with boastful parents of high achieving and charming teenagers.

Especially with boastful parents of high achieving and charming teenagers

They are only telling you the good bits.

Hang on in there everyone you are doing amazing jobs 💐

Xposts

Billy actually that's such a good point about not suffering in silence, as we all know to our cost! And a fantastic post about your friend. That just about sums it all up really doesn't it? The more open we are about it, the more people will speak out and hopefully more support will be available.

I remember asking my (very stalwart, independent) sister once how things were going and she mumbled something about a sword piercing her heart then quickly changed the subject. I thought "blimey, that sounds a bit full on and over-dramatic" but couldn't really reconcile those thoughts with the person I knew her to be. Again to my shame, I didn't pursue it (because I was clueless) but over the years she has let bits slip about how hard she found it all and details about various specific incidents. And now of course I totally "get" what she means.

Squeegle I tried CBT but in the moment, I can't seem to calm down enough to make my brain think it through to make it work. I've been (strongly) encouraged to take ads by my doctor but (rather ironically) I'm too nervous to do that too!

And sorry ladies, it was closer to 20 for me

A mum on another thread told me to stop crying and get something to do for me and stop depending on my dd for my social life. I think I actually agree, I was annoyed when I read it at first but I am trying it and it is helping. I took my other 2 kids off to beach on Monday while dd1 choose to spend day with friends and bf she was happy and so where we. I'm off Thursday and Friday supposed to be going formal dress shopping Thursday with dd1 I wonder what she will choose when its for her she will probably go and as soon as she gets what she wants it will be off to the bf. I will probably be glad at that stage anyway. Hope you all having a better week. Mine where all in bed when I left and dd1 has a theatre show now for a week so I won't see much of her.

Much as I adore my son - he had changed from the sweetest little boy into a stroppy teenager who argues over every thing and will never listen to any advice. Also secreative. I bloody well hate social media and the internet.

@Squeegle you sound like me completely. I can rationalise the anxiety. I can tell myself how unreasonable I must be and he's only going out with friends. On Saturday he called me at 9:30pm to say could he go with his other friend to sleep at a third friends. I hesitated on the phone and he begged me, told me I could trust him etc. He was out all night and I didn't sleep. I couldn't eat all next day. He came home 11am but I was still so chewed. He never went out until recently!
Silver lining might be my waistline decreasing 😂
I remember telling my mum really recently when she was reminding me that my brother started going out and drinking at DS age. No no he's not like that, he's into his sport and computer games that won't happen 😱

And 20???!!! 😱😱😱😱

@LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD have you noticed whenever you try to talk to them they are glued to a messaging app on their phone. 😖

It does feel like they are behind a transparent screen when they are on the wretched things half the time LordProfFekko & Keeleebee. You can see them but you can't reach them.

What's the general consensus on checking phones?

My dh still thinks it's ok to check my dd's phone from time to time at 15 years, but having previously been supportive of it, I am now getting uncomfortable about invading her privacy. And there is the trust issue. I don't know.

My waistline is expanding Keelee think it is cortisol levels rising (or that is what I tell myself anyway as I comfort eat)!

Great to hear you had a good trip out on Monday McMen71 good on you! And fingers crossed for Thurs & Fri!

Especially with boastful parents of high achieving and charming teenagers

Errr minus the boasting that would be me 😢
Both mine appeared soo sensible, nice, high achieving and charming.
BUT my dd gave me hell at home and my ds really suffered with depression.
When/if I moaned to anyone, I was told how nice they were - and people sort of implied that it was either 'just' a small thing quickly passing or that I was too sensitive.
Please talk about it, we are not parenting failures and if we keep up the taboo, I think, we are giving in to the 'eye rolling brigade'.

Ds will text me from his bedroom and has been know to text me when we are in the same to! (I text back ‘I’m not at home’ or ‘I’m driving just now’)

My DS has started smoking weed and also has been drunk a couple of times and I have had to pick him up. In other words he is not at all sensible. So my anxiety is very high at times. I have tried distraction techniques and it works to a certain degree; however I am trying to get my DS to work with someone else so that he will realise it is not just boring mum reinforcing the plea to be sensible/ protect himself etc etc. He says I worry too much; and it’s not helped by ex P, his dad who also thinks I am over anxious and is all for letting his son embrace freedom (like he did when he was a teenager and nearly died of alcohol poisoning). It’s very wearing!