Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Sorry you are so stressed mcmen. Fwiw i would quietly insist on meeting the bf. Suggest he picks her up, so you can say hi. Or bring them somewhere so you get to meet him. Just reason with her that she meet his dad, so it is perfectly normal you meet him. If he flat out refuses, talk to your dd that it is a 'red' flag for you.

Morning all, hoping today will be good for you all.

@aubergines I would be surprised if he doesn’t come back today unless he’s got very close friends with very understanding parents. Easter tends to be a day for family and although I do have form, having taken in a stray teenager a couple of weeks before Christmas 4 years ago and he’s still here, it was a very different situation. He had a difficult family dynamic and was thrown out, he was also 18. A 16 year old who is clearly acting up is a very different scenario. You must feel so awful right now, but as you’ve reached a point where there is little more you can do that is practical, try and be kind to yourself. I hope you are able to find some peace.

How was your evening @mcmen hope it wasn’t too stressful

@lightandairy. Self confidence issues are so tricky to deal with, have you looked at something like NCS for the summer holidays? It will be a different group of people and might bring him out of himself. It also includes a week residential so you get a break.

The poster up thread asking for stories about teens coming through this, they do I promise. My kids have friends who have been to hell and back but now they’re all turning 20 they are starting to find a path that works for them, getting proper jobs and you can see them healing.

Morning all, thank you for taking my worries about ds seriously...I felt daft in a way as I know where he is, thinking of you all worried about what they are getting up to. R

It is so hard to hear my ds call himself "piece of shit" and stressing as he has no motivation to do his college work, including hitting himself in the face. However last night he seemed to just get it together and while we are staying at relatives tonight he wants to get on with his work.

Billy thanks for suggestion of NCS, but he won't do it. Ds has dyspraxia and was ridiculed at secondary school for struggling at sports....however he needs to get involved with volunteering to beef out his uni application, I am working on few suggestions including finding summer work in a plant nursery. I'll leave it for now but after he's settled back at college I'll casually suggest the ideas. The isolation from his peers during holidays is hard.

Pegs Nice to hear about your nephew finding his way. Ds I hope bonded with a couple of boys on a recent Geography field trip.....all he needs is a couple of reliable good friends. Ds has a dry, quiet understated sense of humour - he just needs those right people for him.

mcmen I go walking a lot, listening to music, it's the best thing for relieving stress. Beyond cheeky asking you to bring money. Hope you meet boyfriend soon.

Enjoy the weekend everyone and thanks for welcoming me on this thread.

Good morning everyone, hope the sun is shining where you are!

pegs your post about teens almost holding a mirror up to your face really struck a chord within me. I don't think I've ever heard or read a more powerful statement when it comes to raising teens, so thank you! I was the first of my friends to have a child, my dsis had her first years after my DD was born and I didn't have the greatest upbringing. I feel I done a really good job with parenting until the preteen / teen years hit and I just felt lost and I had nobody to turn to for advice. Good proper advice, taken from experience. So I have often never known how to deal with it. And so many times I've found myself being reminded of my own mother who's she dealt with it...with sarcasm and basically being a smart arse (definitely being the child and not parent).

This thread has really opened my eyes and made me take a good look at myself as a mother-of-teen. I haven't been the best and it has absolutely affected my mental health. Always trying to one-up when she tries to one-up me is never good or the mature approach. Teens will be bloody teens and it's so difficult to navigate in a firm but fair way without totally losing your shit.

I look at this thread and realise it could be so much worse. It could be so so much better too, but some of you have it so bloody tough and I absolutely applaud you for not crumbling completely and for soldiering (or limping) on through.

I'm sure we all agree that we just want a quiet and drama free life without being pulled into all the teenage crap and being the emotional and sometimes physical punch bag.

God I don't know where that ramble has come from sorry! I'm obviously in a thoughtful mood this morning. DD is at her dads and I slept in her bedroom (DH had a few drinks last night and snores like a warthog!!) I think being surrounded by things and smell of her perfume has affected me

I'm hoping today is a good day. DD will be back at about 3. She is terribly self conscious and I fear the nice weather will bring out her anxiety as she can hide under a thick jacket and hoody as she normally does. And this anxiety is normally taken out on us. But we will see.

Have a great day everyone

That ‘holding up a mirror ‘ idea is really powerful- thank you. I feel thoroughly hated here. Ds can’t bear our company and is relentlessly nasty about us to his mates too. We get tolerated if we let him do exactly as he wants but any restrictions on screens or phone, or going out, and he goes apeshit. I try showering on the positivity but since his earphones are always in he barely notices!

Hello! Back home to beautiful weather!

Still a shed-load to do before tomorrow so forgive brief response!

Funnily enough Xeroxarama and Daintytoes as well as our teens holding up a mirror to us, I think we also see ourselves mirrored in them sometimes too! Need a degree in psychology to work that out, but I suspect that sometimes the reason I am so furious with dd is that I can see myself in her, making exactly the same mistakes that I used to make!

Daintytoes Not a ramble at all! Makes sense! I feel so similar to you, in that I am not at all confident about my parenting skills, particularly in these teen years, I was too strict to begin with I think, and have now swung to being too liberal, who knows, I am forever second guessing myself that's for sure! Reading your posts, I am sure you are doing a much better job than you give yourself credit for!

Sorry you are having such a tough weekend Xeroxarama!
He doesn't hate you. He's having to be horrible to you, to separate himself off from his strong connection with you. (Btw, it's much easier to say this to another parent, than to accept it when you are the one being screamed at, even though you know it rationally to be true!)

No need to feel daft Lightandairy there is nothing worse than seeing your child suffer.

Hope everything works out for you both this weekend McMen71 and Auberginesrus and any other Po Ts who are waiting for their DC to return home

Waves to Billbagpus, Tickling cheese , *MachineBee and everyone else!

Thinking on you all and hope you having some peace My dd came home yest eve we had a whole day arguing with each other on snapchat while trying to work and crying at same time. I got home at about 6 she came running out hugged me but i totally lost it spent a good bit of the eve giving out to her for choosing to stay out the night before but we made up eventually and I said sorry for calling her a tramp but explained if you stay in a bfs house unplanned no clean clothes or toiliteries with you its not proper and I said if the bf would wave to me at pickup tonite i would let her sleepover an odd night after that
Shes out all day today so quite a peacfully day told her i wanted her to stay home tomorrow to the eve to have some family time. I think i over react a bit because I miss the family time easter hunt arts crafts maybe I need a hobby.

Can we still do egg hunts? If not what am I going to do with all these eggs?!

So glad you made it up with your dd McMen71 and I hope you all have a lovely time together tomorrow. Hope you get a wave tonight!

My fifteen year old still loves an egg hunt!

(As long as no one else is watching )

I have a teen who from time to time gets very down if he isn't invited to every single night out. This holiday he's been out any awful lot - so now I'm worried about that! Can't win really, you'll always fret about teens because they aren't adults but like to think they are. It is true that they are like toddlers - but you generally know where toddlers are and what they are doing.

Fist-bump of solidarity to all fellow teen parents!

pegsinarow I hope she joins in egg hunt tomorrow Im sure if there is chocolate she will. I am terribly anxious all the time shes out . We had a woman shot dead in northern ireland on thursday night which isnt far from us so Im nervous. I havent heard from dd since 6.30 but i told her she didnt need to and now Im aggiated. I know bf will keep her safe but I still worry. bibbtybobbtyyhat i know how you feel we worry if they have no friends to go out with and when there out we worry they out too much maybe we just need to do more for ourselves to distract us from them Maybe because they know we always there for a hug taxi or an atm machine they will always expect it. My dd tided her bedroom last night for 2 hours and a shower for another hour and left phone in kitchen all this time she sent an odd wee snap to the bf but was really surprised she did this.

Well after a bit of persuasion DS returned home for a couple of hours this afternoon - new girlfriend in tow. He has gone to his friend's house tonight, but I know where he is and he has said he will come back tomorrow. Still a lot to talk through, which he is aware of, but it's a huge weight of my mind. DH kept level headed too.

Some really grounding and helpful advice on here, so glad I found this thread. Hope everyone else is managing a peaceful Easter weekend.

auberginesrus glad to hear he came home and that you knowwhere he is tonight hope tomorrow goes well and you do better than I did yest I just blew a complete fuse for couple hours. But I got a tidy bedroom out if it.

Happy Easter everyone

@aubergines thats such good news, hope you have a lovely Easter Day.

@mcmen that sounds really positive, hope the rest of the weekend goes well.

DD1 home from uni, we have visitors for lunch, she has BF staying it was very very obvious from her outfit when she emerged at 11am that she intended to be waited on rather than help.

Glad the DC are returning home!

Happy Easter Po Ts! Wishing you all peace and calm this long weekend!

My ds who was abroad has made a surprise trip home, I’m so happy.

Well credit where credit is due! Mine have been rather pleasant today ..... hope I’m not tempting fate here!

A friend of theirs joined us for Easter lunch unexpectedly with my in laws and uncles. She lost her mum at 14 and her dad has been a bit shit to say the least. He’s buggered off on hols for Easter leaving her alone .... I know she’s not a little kid but I still think Easter is a family time.

Wondering if her situation makes mine think a bit about what they’ve got.

Happy Easter everyone, and a peaceful evening/bank hol Monday

whoops that is great news, so pleased for you.

I'm afraid I may have spoken too soon, after exchanging happy Easter wishes this morning, DS has now gone incommunicado again. Think he has not been at friends nearby but at new gf's which is 10 miles or so away (and I have no idea of exact address). No idea why he is not answering texts and assume he won't come home tonight as agreed. A bit beside myself with worry.

He has just text me - been asleep

Happy Easter PoTs!

What amazing weather, but jeez I'm hot! (not a boast btw! ). Hope your DD was able to overcome her self consciousness and ditch the hoody without anxiety daintytoes - it would be unbearable in this heat.

"It's like they hold up a mirror to our faces and say justify that!" This statement is hard-hitting and spot-on Pegs and I know I need to somehow develop the self-confidence to face up to it. Like yourself and daintytoes have said, it's not easy, especially when we've not had great role models to guide us. I suspect that by the time I'm finally getting the hang of it, DD will be all grown up and gone

DD has continued her 'quick as a flash' mood changes which have been making my head spin. As you say daintytoes "it's so difficult to navigate in a firm but fair way without totally no losing your shit." I've struggled to stay calm this weekend. Auntie Flo came to visit me this evening and DD is due in a couple of days so this usually means things are extra volatile here. Poor DH - how he hates this time of the month! I'll lend him my tin hat
Isn't it strange how females in the same household tend to become synchronised in their monthly cycles?

So happy for you btw Whoops75 - what a lovely surprise

Glad you enjoyed a lovely lunch today BigSandyBalls - it's so nice when you can relax and enjoy each other's company along with friends and family

Pleased to hear your DS has been back in touch auberginesrus. Hope you have been able to relax a bit this evening

Hope everyone else is doing okay and having a peaceful weekend (DD is away at a sleepover tonight so I'm looking forward to an uninterrupted night's sleep)

Dd 14 has gone missing. She asked to go to a sleepover and was told "No". She went out anyway. We have been in contact with Sleepover parents. There never was a sleepover and she isn't there.

None of her friends know or at least are letting on where she is.

Police are currently looking for her. I got a F**K off text about an hour ago. No contact since then.

Where did we wrong?

I am scared for her and at the same time my mental health can't take much more of this.

So sorry what* Thinking of you.

Dd is still missing.

How do you sleep when your child is missing? Even though you know they are deliberately missing!

Who keeps an unexpected 14 year old overnight?